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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed in DH

114 replies

Whatkatyforgottodo · 31/03/2019 08:29

Just had to practically kick my husband out of bed to make me breakfast in bed with DD that he’d promised me for mother’s day. Not the start to the day I’d hoped for. So AIBU to be a bit disappointed?

OP posts:
CurlyWurlyTwirly · 31/03/2019 10:40

@Jaffacakebeast 💕 lovely of your DS

ScafellPoke · 31/03/2019 10:40

No you haven’t greggers!!! As if your dh is going to go out cycling and expect you to stay at home and do the housework!! That’s your own doing!... Go out for the day, go to a cafe, cinema, walk, whatever. You don’t need to be doing housework Hmm

DuggeesWoggle · 31/03/2019 10:41

MajesticWhine my DH is also out cycling although he did get up with the 3 year old this morning and I almost always get a cuppa in bed every day anyway. And I did tell him to go as he might as well. No card or gift as usual. Last year I kicked off and he bought me some nice foodie bits and bobs on the way home from his bike ride (yes he went on mother's day last year as well).

I do feel conflicted about mother's day. On the one hand I feel extremely lucky to have a healthy, happy, charming son and another child on the way and I don't feel I need manufactured displays of affection from DH. But on the other hand he knows by now that I love little gestures of appreciation and why is it so hard for him to just bloody well go and get something to say 'i appreciate all the work you do'? He just says he can never think of anything and what do I want? I want you to take 15 minutes away from thinking about sodding bikes to actually consider what might make his wife and the mother of his children happy and for me not to have to think of my own gift again? And to show an example to DS of not taking me for granted.

Plus then you get all the 'ooh did your boys spoil you?' at work and you have to just say no and pretend you don't mind.

So yes I guess it does matter a bit to me!

WillGymForPizza · 31/03/2019 10:43

But it is quite needy to expect acknowledgement from a partner, as has been said. You are not their mother so why would they get you a card and present? Most children will make Mother's Day card in school or at nursery/playgroup which I think are far nicer than Shop bought ones!

All families are different and not everyone thinks Mothers Day is a huge deal. My DM has never expected the red carpet treatment, and neither did my grandmothers!

Greggers2017 · 31/03/2019 10:43

@ScafellPoke house is disgusting so needs doing. Unfortunately I cannot drive at the moment due to an illness. I have got the food shopping coming and have ordered myself some nice things for later. They're secret. Nobody knows about them ha!
Wouldn't mind with the cycling normally but he was on a uni reunion all day yesterday 🙄
I am however wallowing in the bath at the moment x

ZigglesAndPaws · 31/03/2019 10:44

Received a card today from my two stepdaughters. Never hadn’t one before other than joke one from the dog, and certainly didn’t expect one, as I appreciate I’m not their mum!

We made cards and presents for their mum when they were with us last weekend and made one for my mum whilst ‘supervising’ (just wanted to glue and stick tbh), so they knew my plans for today, and they’ve picked and posted a card that ties in with the quite odd and specific activity we’re up to.

Made me cry, little buggers 🥰 and on my birthday as well!!! Lol

Greggers2017 · 31/03/2019 10:45

@DuggeesWoggle what is it with Sunday's and cycling 🤦🏼‍♀️

Februaryblooms · 31/03/2019 10:45

I know how you feel.

Mine is fast asleep on the couch, the kitchen is a shit hole and he hasn't changed the bin because he's been too busy playing call of duty in to the early hours of the morning to bother having a quick tidy after himself.

I made DS his breakfast now I'm currently drinking a cuppa I've made myself, eating cereal, scowling at the snoring lazy bastard on the sofa.

haba · 31/03/2019 10:49

No input from DH as per Hmm

Children had organised a lovely card, and DD (13) just came and read the book that she's writing to me Smile which is pretty special, as she's usually very secretive about things until they're perfect finished.

JaffaCakeBeast you might be doing it alone, but you're obviously doing it right! Thanks

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 31/03/2019 10:50

But it is quite needy to expect acknowledgement from a partner, as has been said. You are not their mother so why would they get you a card and present?

Because the kids cannot drive themselves to buy the card or afford the present? Because you are taking the lion’s share of the responsibility to raise the kids that also belong to him? Because he will be an arse when you and the kids “forget” it is Father’s Day?

My father was like that, my mother was not his mother and he hated busy restaurants so he preferred my mother cooked something especial to eat at home. Not a card, not a flower... all on his own terms and for his own convenience based on the phrase “your mum is not my mum”. I really can understand my mum being such a floormat to follow through..

keepforgettingmyusername · 31/03/2019 10:51

Mine is sitting on the sofa watching golf and whinging about being hungry. I said 'maybe you should make breakfast then since it's mother's day'
He has not made breakfast. I don't imagine the day is going to improve so might as well forget about it.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 31/03/2019 10:52

Can’t understand, meant to say. She was a strong capable woman, I cannot imagine why he put up with such crap for the sake of equality.

DuggeesWoggle · 31/03/2019 10:53

Greggers I knew when I was first going out with DH that he was into cycling (mountain biking) but I think it's only when you have kids that you realise how much time it takes up - endless bike faffing, the lengthy rides themselves, then the cleaning afterwards, route planning, signing up to events that require extensive 'training'. I am happy he has a hobby that keeps him fit (and sexy Grin) and he doesn't go out drinking or anything like that but you do very quickly work out your place in the hierarchy - bikes, then us (no matter how much he would try and deny it)!

Newme19 · 31/03/2019 10:58

Shake off that negative feeling...as I am about to. We are not in some godforsaken place (I hope) … Put on some loud music and dance like you just don't care. Make your little one giggle; make the day so happy that the little one will always remember you as a happy Mum. Dress and get out of the house. No housework unless the world will end if you don't. Bye I'm off to play Queen & shower.

CardsforKittens · 31/03/2019 10:58

My ex, for all his faults, still acknowledges that I’m the mother of his children. He’s taken them on holiday to visit his own mum this weekend, but he organised cards and flowers from the kids to me before leaving. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to be appreciated as a mother by the other parent of your children.

Flowers and Chocolate for everyone, especially the unappreciated.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/03/2019 10:59

I am surprised at the number of posts saying the other parent is not responsible for buying a card / present. Quite frankly the day for me is about getting our children to pause and learn gratitude. Something, which needs to be taught again and again. Parents aren’t robots and it does children a lot of good to realise this. .

NotSure
Could your dp just not have taken the children? The mother swapped then booked them. This looks rather preplanned to spoil the day.

I really like the post above about the 12 yo ds getting something for his mum (chocolates?) and doing all the jobs. Sorry I can’t find the post again.

tomhazard
My dd is 10 nearly 11, it still wouldn’t occur to her to get me a present. Different personalities.

DuggeesWoggle · 31/03/2019 10:59

Yes we are going to plant some seeds and then take a small gift round to my mum. Have a good day all FlowersWine

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 31/03/2019 11:00

I think I’m going to follow your advice Newme... forget about Queen, I am heading to Home Sense to buy that office chair in loud flowery velvet nobody likes and I love (pray is still there!) Smile

CostanzaG · 31/03/2019 11:05

Of course all families are different.. which is why it is quite mean to call women who expect Mother's Day to be acknowledged as needy.
I expect my DH to pull his weight, to acknowledge birthdays and other occasions just as I acknowledge the same for him....that's not needy . It's being appreciative and showing you care and love each other.

As it happens my DH makes a big deal of Mother's Day for me because I lost my mum suddenly 10 years ago and knows how much I miss her.... especially now I'm a mum myself.

The whole 'why would your DH buy you a card....you aren't his mother' is the biggest load of bullshit. You do realise the card isn't from him don't you? They are facilitating your children and teaching them the importance of showing appreciation.

Vulpine · 31/03/2019 11:08

We both make a fuss of each other on mothers day and fathers day. The kids love it too. Never under stand why people are so down on celebrating others. It's a lovely thing to do.

NotReadyForThisX2 · 31/03/2019 11:11

I'd be disappointed too Op. I don't think putting in a little bit of effort to show appreciation to the mother of your children is too much to ask.
I got flowers, chocolates and a card (with Ds's little handprints inside) this morning, had a lie in and Dp made me pancakes for breakfast (not eaten in bed because I'm messy). We're going out for a walk soon and Dp is making Sunday dinner later, we've got my mum and his coming along too.

I also don't get the 'you're not his mother' quotes either. My mum was a single mum and every year from as far back as I can remember up until me being old enough to do something myself, my grandad would take me to choose a card and a small gift, flowers/chocolates etc for my mum. My grandparents really didn't have a lot of money so Mother's Day/Fathers Day, adult birthdays were never a big occasion with lots of money spent or anything, but there was always some thought and a little extra appreciation shown.
Even now despite me and my mum doing something for my grandma, my grandad still gets her a card and her favourite chocolates for Mother's Day. Every year she says "oh you shouldn't have you silly man, I'm not your mother" ever year he says "but you're the mother of my child and I appreciate you for that".

Maybe I'm biased but I think it's really lovely and sweet. And I know for certain my grandad taught me far more about how a husband and father should be than my own dad did. I expect and want my Dp to be that role model for our Dc.

81Byerley · 31/03/2019 11:12

Greggers2017 Don't stay at home doing housework...go out and do something nice for yourself, and definitely don't be at home when they all get back!

81Byerley · 31/03/2019 11:15

ZigglesAndPaws Happy Birthday!

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 31/03/2019 11:17

MummyofLittleDragon, he was having them on Friday night, on Thursday night she said she was going away to see her mother who doesn’t live locally. She says her mum is unwell, but she is unwell everytime exw wants to get her way.

I don’t know what to believe anymore, but even if she is truthfully unwell, why would she book an event 2 hours away from her mum’s house that takes most of Mother’s day? It is not the kind of thing you can book at the last minute. I think she filled the weekend with commitments long before BF asked her if she wanted to have the kids on mother’s day.

TomorrowsDiet · 31/03/2019 11:21

To all feeling sad and unappreciated, don’t stay in and do chores. They will keep till tomorrow.

DH has taken both of my little ones out! Usually he just takes the toddler. Today is the first time he’s had the baby on his own for more than an hour. Actually MIL is with them. I had to pack the bags and help get them ready, but I’m so happy and peaceful being on my own for the first time in 11 months!! I’ve made myself a sausage sandwich and I’m going to buy a big Sunday paper and read it in peace at the garden centre with CAKE (many pieces of cake).

Happy mother’s day ladies xx