To roll my eyes after joining an app specifically to meet other mums?

[daphine2004]

I’ll probably get flamed as I feel a bit of a bitch, but I can’t believe some people.

As this is my second pregnancy I downloaded an app to meet other new mums rather than go back to the NCT, but I couldn’t believe some of the posts, comments responding to posts and general profiles of some people. Examples are:

1. In relation to a six month old baby “baby’s first McFlurry”
2. In relation to a four month old baby “when did you start giving your baby juice?”, responses: “two months as they wouldn’t drink water”
3. In relation to a four month old baby “I know people are funny about weaning before six months, but when did you start weaning?”

I could go on, but I’ll stop. A lot of the posts were from young first mums (I felt old but I’m only 33!) and I just kept rolling my eyes in disbelief.

Has anyone come across an app to meet other parents who may be more Mumsnet than NetMums?

I met my mum tribe on here actually, in the pregnancy forums. We have a large group that is still active 6 years on. They are who I turn to for any advice plus general chitchat. Of course it's mostly online (facebook) but we do have meet-ups and there are a few local. They have been my saviours through so many things! Legends, the lot of them.

(Apologies for 'mum tribe')

NCT sometimes run second timers' courses, I'd enquire. Or they may have a bumps and babies/early days meet up.

We lucked out with our NHS antenatal group. Five of us, all roughly the same age bracket (mid to late 30s) within 15 mins drive of each other. Our babies are between five and ten weeks now and we've met up at least once a week for coffee or lunch at someone's house, as well as meeting at baby groups etc, and we also have a WhatsApp group that is very active in the wee small hours particularly! Not sure I'd have survived without them all!

Livingoncake totally agree. I am so sick and tired of having to explain my anatomy to people who judge my feeding "choice".

I think crabbypatty probably does know. Sucks though, doesn't it?

People need to stop being so judgemental against other mums.

I'm a first time mum, I don't and have never breastfed, I don't attend baby yoga, my babies weaning meals aren't made from scratch, I haven't lost any baby weight, I don't carry my son around in a sling, and quite frankly I would rather shoot myself than have to hear a bunch yummy mummies going on about how fantastic they are.

But guess what, I bet you didn't know that my breasts didn't actually produce any milk hence why I can't breastfeed. But thanks for always reminding me of how much of a failure I am. I have also had 2 postnatal infections that have left me hospitalised leaving me with rheumatic symptoms and a scar that aches even now 8 months on. This makes it difficult to attend classes, do regular exercise and carry him in a sling. But I bet you just think I'm being a fat lazy slob right?

My son too had a UTI in January which led him to have Sepsis. So any form of liquid whether it be water, squash, baby juice was better than him being hooked on the IV fluids for weeks on end. He too had started weaning before he went in and found the Ella's Kitchen pouches were practical for hospital and gave him the nutrients he needed at the time. In fact I don't care that since being out he still occasionally has a pouch meal now and again.

We have both have had a bloody awful year. I've met no friends, I've not been able to enjoy my maternity year and I feel like a crap mum already without my life style choices for my baby being picked to pieces by people on the out world who don't know what is going on.

I was going to make more of an effort to try and meet other mums after finally coming through the other side of my PND and even saw this app the other day but I think after this topic I'll give it a miss as it's just reminded me I'm still not ready yet.

And no I wouldn't give my son McDonald's.

Both of mine were weaned at 4 months as 16 weeks was the norm then. Both are now teenagers. I hate judgey bollocks like this.

If it’s the app I think it is YANBU. It’s full of “anyone else’s husband/partner absolutely useless and does nothing and I get no sleep ever even though my bubba is two weeks old so why aren’t they sleeping through yet!”

It just seems a lot of man bashing and complaining their partners do nothing - even though I didn’t expect my husband to do the nights when he was at work and I wasn’t... it’s all about being “stay at home full time mummy” and MLM peddlers.

I don’t know why I still use it! Very occasionally there’s something useful I think and I have got chatting to some nice people there. I just find the man bashing ridiculous; the constant desire to wean too early; losing baby weight at three weeks PP; moaning about money and calling themselves mumma and bubba.

My DC are 27 and 24
They had juice, they even had a dummy (sometimes dipped in yoghurt at a few months old!)
Only 1 was breastfed
No fucker had a sling
They were weaned at 3 months old
They were given milky bar at 5 months old
They were left unattended with a bickypeg attached to a ribbon around their necks.
They were in a big cot from birth, and the list goes on.

They are both still alive and very healthy so just relax there parents, a bit of juice won’t kill them.

I know things change, but the pressure that SM and media in general is putting in parents is absolutely unacceptable.

@CrabbyPatty surely as a paediatric nurse you know better than to list breast feeding (or indeed sling wearing) as some kind of accomplishment? I’m well out of the baby days now but seeing people smugly listing those things as though it makes them in any way “better” still grates.

....and I did all those things! But they aren’t want makes me a good parent. I never thought that made me a better parent. And when I stopped breastfeeding and introduced formula on medical advice I felt judged and looked down on at baby groups. And when I sent my children to nursery I felt judged by “attachment parents”. But you know what, at 8 and 5 my children are healthy and happy and doing really well.

@WorriedWart18 don’t worry, the baby years are full of slightly bonkers people who obsess about different choices but almost everyone calms down as their children hit the preschool age and beyond.
Keep going, PND is awful but you will come out the other side. Keep doing whatever works for you and ignore whatever you are “supposed” to do.

Worriedwart18 that’s really shit, I hope the next year is a massive improvement 💐

I hope you do find some non-judgy mum friends to hang out with. We do exist! This thread is bringing a lot of unpleasant memories back for me (anatomically unable to breastfeed yet one of my ‘friends’ was convinced I just wasn’t trying hard enough!) even though my two are 10 and 8 now. Ignore the lot of them and be kind to yourself. One step at a time.

@Worriedwart18 Bless you. What a rough ride you've both had 

I'd recommend starting with structured baby classes rather than the 'sitting down in a circle and chatting' kind if you're worried about judgement. The activity-based classes often don't leave too much time for chatting and you have a focus. I don't do well in just chatting groups (because I'm an antisocial harpy) but I find the baby sensory, massage etc stuff good as there's something I can focus on and people tend to be more interested in the activities than worrying about what others are doing.

I will say though that the groups I've been to have women of all shapes and sizes bottle-feeding and breastfeeding and I've never noticed any horrible looks or comments. Baby and I have struggle to crack breastfeeding so I often take a bottle of expressed milk with me instead. Some of the mums are immaculately turned out, but a reassuring number, myself included, have hair stuffed up in a bun or ponytail and look knackered. I just focus on my DD and feel proud that we've actually managed to leave the house I think sometimes the fear of being judged is worse than what happens in reality.

I'm always a bit confused as why slings/prams is contentious

Breastfeeding/ bottle feeding
Attachment parenting/routine
BLW/puree
WOHP/SAHP
I 'get' why people argue though personally as long as its not dangerous I don't really care what my mum friends do!

But slings/prams just seem practical choices to me eg live in 1st floor flat/get busses a lot/have refluxy baby - get a sling
Have a bad back/want the underneath space to put stuff in/baby likes to nap in it use the pram. (I had both)

In relation to your 3rd point, my dd was weaned at 4 months under a government funded allergy study, supported by the Evelina Children’s Hospital. She had to start at 16 weeks, so there’s obviously no big problem with it otherwise it wouldn’t have been approved. As for the McFlurry...different story!!

@WorriedWart18
No one is judging you on this thread. This is your own projection and how you feel about yourself. I am chronically ill and almost bedridden a lot of the time. I’ve mostly had lovely support from people on here. Maybe ask for some support?

Crustaceans
Thanks for your response. I did find it odd a baby wouldn’t drink water and assumed they’d just drink if thirsty. Never had any issue with dd on that front.

Did someone ask what an MLM is = multi level marketing. A pyramid scheme but selling products so legal.

@Worriedwart18
@Livingoncake Well said!!

I couldn't care less what anyone else does and don't expect to be judged for my own choices, or for situations beyond my control

@WTFisgoingoninmyhead you have it spot on.

@Nevertwerknaked PND has nearly ended my marriage, I've had depression in the past several times but PND is on another level. There are far too many busy bodies shoving rules down your throat which make you scared to even look after your own baby at times. Definitely looking forward to the preschool stages when like you said people calm down a little.

@niceberg Thank you so much. Just sucks that literally nothing has gone to plan. You attend all these talks and groups beforehand on what to expect, even sat in an hour long group on breastfeeding. Which obviously now was a waste of time. Then all these rules have to then be put into place when they are born, but as soon as shit hits the fan everything quickly goes out the window. Then your mummy instincts kick in and you do the best you possibly can. I'm still hanging on to hope that I will meet some nice mummies one day.

@celebelly thank you for your recommendations, I have seen a local sensory class I'm interested in taking him in the next few weeks. It's more him than me as I feel he's missed out on so many things. It's in a small village in a hall so I don't think it will be crazily busy. One step at a time I suppose. Really wanted to go swimming but we've been instructed not to until he's had his operation in a few months time. I think he would love that as he loves his baths.

@Mummyofalittledragon No you're right. No one is directly judging me but the comments made by another user about slings, and breastfeeding was hurtful to me as I'm sure it is to lots of other women. The reason I posted was to say don't judge a book by it's cover because you don't know what going on behind closed doors. I know deep down I'm a great mum, my son is the most happiest baby and he knows he's loved to bits. But I know because of some of choices I mentioned above I would be scrutinised by some (not all) women.

@daphine2004 it's basically a pyramid scheme and she was using the app to meet vulnerable mums to sell stuff to :(

I imagine it attracts some quite vulnerable young women who don't have the same role models we do

And even then, years down the line you might look back and find the role models were not quite perfect either and you realise just how much of "the right thing" is fashion rather than medical evidence.

If you have grown up seeing other women successfully mothering you are lucky to have that example and most of us take that entirely for granted. We also underestimate how much you can help other mothers simply by being less judgemental and simply sharing experiences or answering questions rather than dismissing them as stupid.

And by successfully mothering I mean able to love and raise a child to be a happy adult within their capabilities. No being able to demonstrate sling wrapping, artisanal baby organics or any of the other fashion led paraphernalia.

I want to apologise for the way my comment came across! It's actually the opposite of what I meant. I meant I conform to a 'type' but I'm well aware (because of my job) other's need more support or might not be aware of 'best practice'. Also I'm totally an advocate of fed is best. I shouldn't have said 'these people' but it wasn't meant how it sounded - I did write that during a night feed of my 6 week old. I feel awful now - I pride myself on being a really supportive nurse :( @Ihatehastags @Livingoncake

@TwerkNaked @LazyLemur oh God I'm mortified about how I came across. I'm not judging other's choices. Trying to say the opposite despite being a cliche. Please forgive me I feel really sad and shit now. I'm a new Mum too. I get loads of stuff wrong :(

@crabbypatty consider yourself forgiven and I hope the nights get better.