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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with dh over Mother's Day.

94 replies

NicoAndTheNiners · 30/03/2019 12:34

MIL lives Nearly 2 hours away. The fact it was Mother's Day escaped my mind until yesterday, I have no mother.

Dh this morning pipes up that he thought we could go and see his mum tomorrow. I could have cried, I'm absolutely knackered. I've had a crazy week at work, coupled with three nights out this week. I have a hectic week at work next week.

I was planning on doing bugger all this weekend apart from snoozing and watching tv. I also have a hospital appt tomorrow morning for a CT scan but it is at 9am so possible to have my appt and then leave.

He hasn't booked a restaurant and obviously we now can't eat out.

I can't take the dog with me.

Dog walker can't come at such late notice and I don't want to leave the dog alone all day.

If we went we wouldn't be home until about 10pm which I hate on a Sunday when I have to be up at 6am the next day for work. I'm tempted to tell dh to go on his own. He's fucked off out by himself for the day now.

OP posts:
NWQM · 30/03/2019 14:18

Personally I'd bet good money that he has remembered about Mother's Day all along. Done nothing about it and is very happy for you to make the decision because then he wanted to but......

You still have time to order a bunch of flowers to get there tomorrow and there is a code on the Mumsnet discount site for 20% on company.

Have to order before 4. As I've kept telling my husband who still hasn't done it!!!! I lost my Mum in September and my Mother In Law blows very hot and cold with me so I am not this year.

OKBobble · 30/03/2019 14:22

Don't go but don't feel bad if he doesn't - that is his decision

SilverySurfer · 30/03/2019 14:25

You shouldn't feel guilty or beat yourself up over this. It's not your problem if your DH is a wimp who can't go to visit his DM by himself.

NotSorry has it spot on. Time to practice the 'I don't give a fuck' way of life - it works very well.

DON'T GO! And good luck at the hospital on Monday.

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 30/03/2019 14:25

Well that's his issue isn't it? If he won't because you won't what kind of a son does that make him? Why is the onus on you? Stop feeling guilty!

ChicCroissant · 30/03/2019 14:26

Sorry OP but I am with Bluntness here, you knew this would be coming as the same thing happened last year. If you don't want to go then tell him you don't want to go. But it's not a surprise that he wants to see his Mother on Mother's Day.

doodleygirl · 30/03/2019 14:29

This is really a non issue, just don’t go. TBH you have a shitty DH if he won’t go and see his mum without you, give him a dummy and tell him to go.

Enjoy your lazy day.

MaryShelley1818 · 30/03/2019 14:35

I’m the odd one out here but I always prioritise family (OUR family as we’re married is both sides). And would certainly visit my MIL and make a fuss of her for Mother’s Day. I treat both of our mothers equally, in return they’re very supportive to us and always make the effort with us and DS. Plus I don’t mind doing nice things for DH as he does lots of nice things for me.

Cornishclio · 30/03/2019 14:41

No, I would not go given you are tired, had a busy week and one again next week, have a scan tomorrow morning and no plans for the dog. Let your husband go. She is his mum. I understand the reasoning whereby when you marry you take on each others family but he is just taking the mick if he can only be bothered to see his mum if you go with him, has not sorted out a restaurant and presumably has not organised a card or present? I know there are all sorts of wives who will take over the responsibility for these sorts of occasions but I am not one. My mum was my responsibility and my MIL was my DHs.

speakout · 30/03/2019 14:45

Let him go himself- he can leave at 9am, be back by 4pm.

You can spend the day relaxing, have a bath, walk the dog.

Do you have kids OP?

RomanyQueen1 · 30/03/2019 14:47

just tell him straight, he doesn't visit your family, why should you go to his.
If he doesn't go well he can't think that much of his dm then.

Treefloof · 30/03/2019 15:00

This is a deliberate act on his part.
He knows you dont remember mothers day (I dont either, my mam died some time ago) so he springs it on you knowing you most likely wont feel like it. Then can blame you for him not going. And if by chance you said ok let's go, he has company and someone to share the load. Either way it's a win for him.
I wouldn't go. In fact my OH is at his mum's now cos were all busy tomorrow.

greenpop21 · 30/03/2019 15:03

I never see MIL on Mother's Day-she's not my mum.

Preggosaurus9 · 30/03/2019 15:04

DH is a grown man, let him fuck off to his mum!

You stay home and have a relaxing afternoon!

IHateUncleJamie · 30/03/2019 15:08

Because I think he won't go if I don't go.

How old is he? Twelve? Is he not capable of going out without you? Just tell him you’re not going. If he flounces and refuses to go, he can explain to his dm. His choice. Confused

Original poster
NicoAndTheNiners · 30/03/2019 15:08

No, we're not normally glued at the hip. Quite the opposite as he normally suits himself, does his own thing and ignores me until he expects me to go visit his mother.

I've been and bought food to take tomorrow because his mother won't have anything suitable in. Dd is coeliac. But I'm telling dh to take dd and go.

Most of the time when we go dh buggers off outside when we get there to go and do stuff round the smallholding which need fixing. Which I get need doing. But yeah, bit of a boring day for me.

I've spoken to him before about not leaving so late in the evening and every time he says we'll leave earlier but we end up leaving about 7-8pm each time even with me bluntly saying from 6pm "we need to leave soon because we have a long drive back, etc".

So yes, will have a lazy day tomorrow and will try to not feel guilty!

OP posts:
Original poster
NicoAndTheNiners · 30/03/2019 15:09

And last year he lied to his mum and said I was ill, too ill for him to leave me! Hmm

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 30/03/2019 15:11

He’s a prick, OP.

Did he not have anything planned for you for tomorrow? Do NOT give in on this. Enjoy a lazy day of peace and quiet.

And if he does throw a tantrum and refuse to go, STILL enjoy your day ignoring all responsibilities and him if he sulks.

greenpop21 · 30/03/2019 15:14

Oh and you're a mum, you didn't say that at first. In that case he is out of order.

TurquoiseLagoon · 30/03/2019 15:15

Adding my voice to everyone else saying don't go and he can do what he likes, not your problem

MyOtherProfile · 30/03/2019 15:17

Does he realise mother's day is about you as much, if not more, than about his mum?

Say no, suggest you go and see her next weekend, maybe on the Saturday so you won't be so tired before work, and ask him to cook a nice lunch for you.

Original poster
NicoAndTheNiners · 30/03/2019 15:18

I've never had a Mother's Day where I've been taken out for dinner, etc.

Either the weather is ok for him to go do sport in which case he's buggered off for the day leaving me and dd. Or we've been to see his mum. I assume the weather conditions aren't suitable tomorrow for his sport or I doubt his mum would get a look in.

OP posts:
dragonsfire · 30/03/2019 15:20

My husband and me have only been married a year and a half and remember asking last year if should put both names in the card?

We decided no his mum is his and mine is mine- we do separate cards etc and would never expect partner to come if seeing them although may ask if want to. Both our mothers live over 2hours away!

Sounds like he wants to see his mother to look good to his mother but doesn’t actually like spending time with her as he leaves that to you!

He needs to go and take DD!

My Dad died when I was young I have no concept of Father’s Day my DH knows this and if he chooses to see his Dad that’s down to him although would ask if I wanted to- would accept if I said no!

IvanaPee · 30/03/2019 15:20

Oh. My. God.

I have to ask; what do you get from this relationship? You’ve said he ignores you unless he needs you to go to his mum’s?

Why are you with him? You wouldn’t want that for your daughter so you can’t possibly want it for yourself!

dragonsfire · 30/03/2019 15:21

Just seen your update he does sound abit of a dick in general to!

greenpop21 · 30/03/2019 15:26

You are the active mum at the moment. His should send his mum flowers or a card but he should be helping your DD celebrate you! His mum will have had years of being treated when he was a child and before he was married/committed to you.

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