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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with dh over Mother's Day.

94 replies

NicoAndTheNiners · 30/03/2019 12:34

MIL lives Nearly 2 hours away. The fact it was Mother's Day escaped my mind until yesterday, I have no mother.

Dh this morning pipes up that he thought we could go and see his mum tomorrow. I could have cried, I'm absolutely knackered. I've had a crazy week at work, coupled with three nights out this week. I have a hectic week at work next week.

I was planning on doing bugger all this weekend apart from snoozing and watching tv. I also have a hospital appt tomorrow morning for a CT scan but it is at 9am so possible to have my appt and then leave.

He hasn't booked a restaurant and obviously we now can't eat out.

I can't take the dog with me.

Dog walker can't come at such late notice and I don't want to leave the dog alone all day.

If we went we wouldn't be home until about 10pm which I hate on a Sunday when I have to be up at 6am the next day for work. I'm tempted to tell dh to go on his own. He's fucked off out by himself for the day now.

OP posts:

faeveren · 30/03/2019 12:50

@Mrsjayy sums it up nicely, both times.

Skinnypigs · 30/03/2019 12:57

I never expect my DH to visit my DM with me ... What is it with some people not being able to visit their parents/family without their partners??! Don't. Get. It.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 30/03/2019 12:59

Just don't go. Do what you want to do.

rosablue · 30/03/2019 12:59

How much does he know about ct scans? Can you say that they can leave you with a headache/ feeling even more wiped out/often overrun/??? etc so that you don’t want to have to be in a car for a long drive then on best behaviour then another long drive if you’re not feeling great and just need to crash in bed. But that he should definitely go without you.

Is he hoping you will drive/talk to his parents so he can snooze/do the washing up/some other reason to make the visit better for him? There are plenty of posts on man where the dp wants their partner there so they don’t have actually do anything other than eat the food and go to the pub with fil leaving them with mil and a miserable day, that would make the do’s life miserable if their partner wasn’t with them as they would have to interact properly...

Could you ring mil, explain you are not able to go but that dp should be able to go alone so he has to go or at least ring his mum to get himself out of going? And that she is looking forwards to some mother son time together for a change. If he decides not to go point out that it is absolutely his choice not to see his mum, just as it is when he doesn’t come with you to see your bro. Whether you are able to go or want to go is a completely independent thing that doesn’t impact on his going, it is his choice as to whether he sees his mum or not.

MyKingdomForBrie · 30/03/2019 13:00

I think it's simple - oh sorry I can't get the dog walker so I'm not able to.

If he turns it into an argument make the points you've made above - a) you need more notice and b) he doesn't feel the need to go with you to your family members and you don't insist. Don't let him ruin your day just because he hasn't even tried to think of his mother in time.

NoSquirrels · 30/03/2019 13:05

Yes, where ARE his good points?

If his mother gets neglected it’s not your responsibility. That’s your female socialisation screwing you up. Ignore.

Here’s an idea - give MIL a call today and say DH wants to visit tomorrow, and you’re so sorry you can’t come too because of hospital/dog/not feeling great so you hope she doesn’t mind too much it’ll be just him.

Then tell your DH you’ve arranged it with MIL and she’s expecting him.

NoSquirrels · 30/03/2019 13:06

XP with rosa. Great minds

Bluntness100 · 30/03/2019 13:07

I'm not sure how you missed it's Mother's Day, it's all over everything, and he has previous for wishing to see her this day, and you know this. You're also aware you married the kind of man who is so insecure he can't even go visit his mum on his own without you coming too.

So I'm not sure I'm very sympathetic because I really do think all this was predictable, I understand not wanting to go, but I don't really understand not being able to predict this.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/03/2019 13:10

I agree with the majority - don't go if it's not suitable for you. He should go though - it's HIS mother, he should make the effort! What a pathetic turnip he is to refuse to go if you don't go too.

Up to you if you want to phone her to say you won't be going or not - not really your job, it's his, but if you like her sufficiently it would be nice - but it might give him the boot up the arse to go by himself.

Chocolateisfab · 30/03/2019 13:13

Your ddog needs you at home on this special day!!
Dh can go alone, it's his dm not yours.

faeveren · 30/03/2019 13:13

@Bluntness I missed that it was mother’s day this weekend. For a couple of years after my mother died I couldn’t go into a card shop at this time of year and I just let it go off my radar. Even though I may notice cards and parafanalia in the shops I never actually make a note of the date and I am a mother, I just rely on others to remember.

HattieRabbit · 30/03/2019 13:16

Totally send him alone.

When he gets shirty hit him repeatedly with the ‘You should have let me know earlier we could have made plans’ and if he gets really shirty pull out the ‘Why don’t you ring around a few places to make a reservation- it’s a long way to go to do a bad job. Your mum deserves a nice meal out, don’t you think?’

Guarentee he’ll either not bother, or get frustrated and give up!

jelliebelly · 30/03/2019 13:22

Don't go - if he chooses not to go that's his problem and also shows exactly what he thinks of his mum - she must be so proud...

Margot33 · 30/03/2019 13:31

Tell him to go on his own as you want to enjoy your day too! Watch a movie and get a takeaway delivered.

llangennith · 30/03/2019 13:36

Send him on his own. His DM may prefer it anyway. My lovely DIL's mother lives in Spain and DIL often has a day to herself on these occasions and my DS and I meet for lunch or a walk.

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/03/2019 13:41

Dont go. Let him go if he wants. Its his mother, not yours. Sounds like you need a break anyway. I could not care less what my Ex organises, or not, for his mother its not my problem.

funnystory · 30/03/2019 13:52

Is he usually like that?? Making you feel bad for decisions he makes? If this happens a lot I think you really need to look at your relationship.

TatianaLarina · 30/03/2019 13:55

I don’t really understand the drama here. He wants to go see his mum, you don’t. So you stay at home and if he can’t go without you that’s entirely on him.

Hollowvictory · 30/03/2019 14:00

What everyone else says. He goes, you chill. Everyone is happy.

NotSorry · 30/03/2019 14:00

Then I feel bad and guilty. But I know that really it's not my fault

Someone on here recommended "the life changing magic of not giving a fuck" I bought it and am now practicing the "not sorry" method

treat yourself to it and set yourself free

Pumpkintopf · 30/03/2019 14:01

Does your mil actually want you both to visit? As pp have said it would presumably mean her cooking which at this late stage she won't have planned/shopped for - if it's such an issue why don't you get him to ring her and offer to take her out for lunch next weekend instead when all the restaurants are less busy and you can take your pick of where to go (and get the dog booked in with the sitter if you go too)?

PregnantSea · 30/03/2019 14:01

You can't leave the dog alone for that long, it's not fair. So you can't really go anyway, unless you find someone on short notice. Sounds like it's more of an issue of logistics than whether or not you actually can be arsed. Your hands are tied.

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/03/2019 14:06

Sadly my dad passed away a number of years ago so I pay no heed to fathers day - my ex can sort out what he wants for his dad. Its the same now with mothers day. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Dont take responsibility for things you dont need to, life is challenging enough

Drum2018 · 30/03/2019 14:12

Definitely don't go. Have a nice relaxing day to yourself. If he won't go without you he's an absolute childish twat. Is he usually glued to your hip?

Drum2018 · 30/03/2019 14:13

NotSorry I got that recommendation on mn too and wow doesn't it change your thinking? Everyone should read it

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