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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dd is being treated unfairly by her grandma

93 replies

Frogsring · 30/03/2019 06:21

I've nc because I expect I may be flamed.

So my dm very kindly a couple of years ago stated to all my 3 dc that on their 21st birthday she'd buy them a car. My dc said that there was no need but she insisted and said that this is what she wants to spend her money on.

My eldest dc turned 21 a couple of years ago and received a car for her birthday from my dm. My dm reiterated to my second dc that she would be getting a car for her 21st in a couple of years as well.

My second dc is now turning 21 next month. She hasn't yet passed her driving test because she suffers from nerves and has made silly mistakes on her test but is a very good driver during her lessons and when I've taken her out in my car. She finishes university in a couple of months and is planning on doing one of those intense courses and then dedicating her summer to passing. Rather than wait a couple of months to give her a chance to pass, dm has said that she won't be getting a car because she should have passed already so she no longer deserves it. Instead, she said she's going to buy dd some expensive jewellery. Dd isn't interested in jewellery and never wears it which I told dm because I didn't want her to waste her money but she insists that she will buy her this and won't budge.

Dd has said that she's very grateful for the offer of a car and would rather have no birthday present until she passes her test and could then receive a car from dm.

She has a job starting after summer where it will make her life much easier if she can drive to it and won't be able to afford a car on her own until at least a year into work.

My youngest dc passed their test recently and my DM said to them that they'd be receiving a car on their 21st.

Aibu to think that DM is treating dd unequally and should buy her a car when she passes rather than give her a present that she has no interest in.

I know none of them have the right to a car and DM is being very generous and it is kind of her. I just think that she is treating her dc's unequally

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 30/03/2019 10:13

Sorry, just re-read and saw one at least is female. I'll shut up now!

Original poster

Frogsring · 30/03/2019 10:13

All of my dc are girls.

I'd feel a bit too devious getting dd to pretend she'd passed. Plus then the real pressure would be on to actually pass before her grandma found out the truth!

I'm not sure what jewelry she'll be buying for her

OP posts:

AhNowTed · 30/03/2019 10:19

I'd be telling her to stick it.

Point scoring and playing with your daughters emotions is not how a loving granny behaves.

Didiusfalco · 30/03/2019 10:19

The problem with selling the jewellery is that kind of thing depreciates hugely after it leaves the shop. It could be worth only a fraction of what the ‘d’gm pays for it - particularly if she buys from the high street and not come close to the cost of a car on resale. Such a shame, your M sounds very controlling op.

dazedandconfucius · 30/03/2019 10:31

I'm amazed your DM can't see that your DD's priority is university. Of course, if your DD didn't care about her future and career, she'd have had time to pass by now. Time to dig your heels in with your DM, either they all get a car or none of them do.

Or dd2 gets a Rolex that would pay for a car when you sell it.

IHateUncleJamie · 30/03/2019 10:34

Completely unacceptable. You treat your DGC equally or don’t buy anything; this nasty controlling attitude is vile.

My mother does this; it’s just one of the reasons I’m NC with her.

I would say to her that if she insists on treating dd2 unfairly, she will leave you no choice but to sell both the jewellery AND dd1’s car, split the proceeds and buy two cheaper cars. Hard on dd1 but she’ll have to put herself in dd2’s shoes. 😕 The ball will lie firmly in your mother’s court that way.

AnnieMay100 · 30/03/2019 10:39

Could she have money problems and making excuses? Either way very cruel of her and I’d be angry too. There’s nothing stopping her buying the car and if your daughter never passes her test the car can be passed on to younger sibling or sold. Can you afford to buy her a car and let her pay it off when she can afford to just so she doesn’t miss out? Very unfair of her and a fine way of making the whole situation more stressful for dd when she should be encouraging her

idontlike789 · 30/03/2019 11:49

Yes is totally unfair . I was in my late 20s when I passed , it's unfair to say should of passed by now . Like you say she can buy the car when passes her test .
Like others have said just say if you buy jewellery will have to sell it to buy a car she'll change her mind then and if she doesn't just sell it anyway . It's sounds ridiculous that she wants to buy something she doesn't want or need .

IvanaPee · 30/03/2019 12:04

Agree re: the depreciation of the value.

What if you told your dm that if she gets the jewellery you’ll sell it and put the cash toward a car?

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 30/03/2019 12:06

Ds is 18,has passed his test, but no car yet. Does very little driving, if any for 1-2 months at a time, because of being at university 5 days a week and getting home at 6:45pm, and also his part time job. He is saving/dad is saving/I am saving. But it’s still going to be a while for a decent car plus insurance etc. I’m already worried that he’s going to need some (or more) practice again. I can’t imagine it being 4 years from test to car.

I think she’s being very unrealistic!

steff13 · 30/03/2019 12:18

I’d sell the car for younger DD and give half to each DD towards their own cars.

She doesn't get it until she's 21. You can't take something from an adult and sell it.

steff13 · 30/03/2019 12:23

Hard on dd1 but she’ll have to put herself in dd2’s shoes.

No she won't. The car is hers. She has no obligation to sell it and the OP can't make her sell it.

amusedbush · 30/03/2019 14:19

I can’t imagine it being 4 years from test to car.

I mentioned upthread that I passed my test in September 2015. I did infrequent pootling around for the first couple of months and then stopped driving entirely. I've just got a new car 3.5 years later and it is absolutely fine, I've been really enjoying driving.

BritWifeinUSA · 30/03/2019 14:39

I had a similar situation with my grandfather. He promised all grandchildren that when they pass their test he would give them £500 towards a car. This was the late 80s/early 90s so £500 went a lot further than it does now. When it came to my turn to pass my test I was about to go to university in London and had other priorities than buying a car. My Mum asked if he would consider allowing me to use my £500 towards books and other things I needed for university but he stood firm and said it was £500 for a car or nothing. He wouldn’t give us the money directly. He would only pay it to the seller of the car.

When I did buy my first car I felt a great sense of pride that I had bought it myself, without the help of anyone else.

Hollowvictory · 30/03/2019 14:42

Perhaps she's trying to incentive your dd to pass.

Poocalypso · 31/03/2019 07:03

@Britwife good on you for saving for your on wheels. Bet you never felt the same about your grandpa! I think that is a lesson OP's dm should be wary of. It is a gift with conditions and also a power trip and it will backfire.

Raggerty54 · 31/03/2019 07:23

That’s very unfair. It takes some people longer to pass their test. Why punish for this? Your 2nd dd will resent her for the rest of her life!

Ok101 · 31/03/2019 10:14

I might be a bit controversial but your dc are 21 and not kids any more. I think its a lovely offer from your dm and you cant dictate what she does with her money. Focus your dd on the test and not the car. Your dm might change her mind if she passes. You cant dictate a guft from anyone and should gracially accept it and say thank you. Fair or not you cant say really. She hasnt left her out

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