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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dd is being treated unfairly by her grandma

93 replies

Frogsring · 30/03/2019 06:21

I've nc because I expect I may be flamed.

So my dm very kindly a couple of years ago stated to all my 3 dc that on their 21st birthday she'd buy them a car. My dc said that there was no need but she insisted and said that this is what she wants to spend her money on.

My eldest dc turned 21 a couple of years ago and received a car for her birthday from my dm. My dm reiterated to my second dc that she would be getting a car for her 21st in a couple of years as well.

My second dc is now turning 21 next month. She hasn't yet passed her driving test because she suffers from nerves and has made silly mistakes on her test but is a very good driver during her lessons and when I've taken her out in my car. She finishes university in a couple of months and is planning on doing one of those intense courses and then dedicating her summer to passing. Rather than wait a couple of months to give her a chance to pass, dm has said that she won't be getting a car because she should have passed already so she no longer deserves it. Instead, she said she's going to buy dd some expensive jewellery. Dd isn't interested in jewellery and never wears it which I told dm because I didn't want her to waste her money but she insists that she will buy her this and won't budge.

Dd has said that she's very grateful for the offer of a car and would rather have no birthday present until she passes her test and could then receive a car from dm.

She has a job starting after summer where it will make her life much easier if she can drive to it and won't be able to afford a car on her own until at least a year into work.

My youngest dc passed their test recently and my DM said to them that they'd be receiving a car on their 21st.

Aibu to think that DM is treating dd unequally and should buy her a car when she passes rather than give her a present that she has no interest in.

I know none of them have the right to a car and DM is being very generous and it is kind of her. I just think that she is treating her dc's unequally

OP posts:
Thewheelsarefallingoff · 30/03/2019 07:24

Are you able to help your middle DD with a car? My DS is in the last year of his degree and has so much work, regularly working through the night. He would have no time for driving lessons, so I sympathise. I would give your mum a hard time about making promises she doesn't keep. It's cruel.

nettie434 · 30/03/2019 07:33

Everything had to be done to a schedule and she's always been very uncompromising.

Who would have guessed?! Jewellery is not a good present for a 21 year old who does not wear it, no matter how expensive. There’s not a lot you can do beyond telling your DM that you won’t object if DD2 does sell the jewellery to put towards a car, as other posters suggest. I wonder what your youngest daughter is thinking. A cash gift would have been a better choice for all 3 but that would clearly have been too flexible.

Speakingmymind · 30/03/2019 07:34

To be honest I can see where your dm is coming from although I don't agree with her actions. Your dd knew for years she'd be getting a car at 21 so had plenty of time to practice and pass her test before her 21st birthday. To not have passed in time to your dm shows a lack of respect for what is a really generous gift.

I was an incredibly nervous driver when first taking lessons so have utmost sympathy but I ploughed on and finally passed my test, as do many other nervous drivers.

Would I still give your dd a car if I was the grandma, definitely. It would be motive to pass the test but it sounds like your dm is very fixed in her way of thinking but hopefully she will rethink and is just using this as a threat.

Amongstthetallgrass · 30/03/2019 07:37

I think it’s about time you stood up to her properly.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/03/2019 07:48

Can you afford to buy your dd the car? If you can tell your mother you’ll buy your dd the car and sell the jewellery to recoup some of the costs. Hopefully she’s competitive and will think again. It doesn’t sound like she enjoys being thwarted.

This brings up a lot from my childhood. I have had to really stand up to my mother.

Original poster
Frogsring · 30/03/2019 07:50

I unfortunately don't have the money to buy her a car. I can put a couple of hundred towards it but I was planning on spending that on my own birthday present for her so she'd have to miss out on that

OP posts:
redwoodmazza · 30/03/2019 07:53

Totally unfair.

RJnomore1 · 30/03/2019 07:56

I’m with the early poster who said sell the jewellery to put towards a car even if it’s a cheaper car.

What’s the jewellery?

7yo7yo · 30/03/2019 07:58

Tell your mum she’s passed.
She’ll get a car.
Then do the test.
In the morning interim say she’s nervous about driving.
So what I’m saying is...lie.

Poocalypso · 30/03/2019 08:00

But, you mother is breaking her promise isn't she?
I would say: no thank you. It is not fair for conditions to be so tight, and circumstances just aren't the same for everyone. Your dd is putting her energy towards her course that should be rewarded.
Stand up to the woman and also teach your daughter it is ok to say no.

pictish · 30/03/2019 08:01

Very unfair and frankly, a bit nuts as well. I’d be really annoyed by this. Yanbu.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 30/03/2019 08:01

Just to say most jewellery doesnt resell for anything like what you paid for it so don't rely on that as a strategy.

AJPTaylor · 30/03/2019 08:03

Nuts.
My dd1 wanted a mac book for her 18th. She got it.
Dd2 wanted the money for a car. We still have her "car money" saved for when she is in a position to have one. She is 21.
You dm is being unfair. Did she ever say "car for 21st but only if you have passed your test?". Lots of 21 year olds are not in the precise spot to be able to use a car exactly on their 21st. What is wrong with your mother?
Could she not wrap up a toy car and give her a cheque?

AppleDump · 30/03/2019 08:04

I think she is being extremely mean. Does she favour her DGC differently?

As a matter of interest how much was the cost of you DC1 car?

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/03/2019 08:08

7yo
Good plan. I’m not sneaky enough to think up the plan. But yes. Deffo do this!! Tell grandma she’s got a cancellation a couple of days before her birthday and ask her to hang fire. Insurance may be an issue. But perhaps you could keep the money you have to amend it.

Why can’t your mother just give her the money? Or maybe ask her to buy your dd some shares for the equivalent price and go shopping for a piece of jewellery your dd would wear. I think you could consider engineering a day out you and your mother. Take her out to lunch and shop together.

SosigDog · 30/03/2019 08:11

So what I’m saying is...lie
Yes, best strategy imo.

GarthFunkel · 30/03/2019 08:12

Are your DC1 & DC3 boys?

Dramatical · 30/03/2019 08:15

Ah, the good old 'I will do this but slap conditions in and you simply MUST be grateful because I am doing it, even though it doesn't suit'

Tell her to fuck off. I mean seriously, either gift the GC or don't, but this messing about, I could not be arsed with.

Surely buying a car when they passed their test would have been fair and logical anyway, why 21? Your 17yo will have to wait 4 years Confused

bellabasset · 30/03/2019 08:19

You know your dm best, your dd has no right to dictate to her GM what she should buy her. If I were her GM I would give her the money for her car fund so she could use part of it to pay for her lessons.

How would your dm react if you said to her that if dd didn't want the jewellery she can put it on Ebay or fb as an unwanted gift?

Springwalk · 30/03/2019 08:22

Incredibly unfair. I would be livid too.

Your mother sounds very controlling. Given she has form for this, I am not sure I would have accepted the first car knowing she was probably laying a trap of some kind. Sadly some people enjoy the power they have over others.

I would tell dm that you will return the first car and tell her enough is enough. Unless you show some unity and strength this could have severe consequences for your children, as it looks like favouritism.

Make this the last time you accept anything from her no matter how tempting. Your children are learning that with enough money you can abuse and hurt other people and no one will say anything.

Get the kids together and make a plan as to how each one will find their car. Summer jobs would be a good start. Sharing the car possibly.

This woman is driving a wedge down the centre of your family by insisting your dd has jewellery. Don’t stand for it. I can’t advocate lying as she will find out and it will cause even more problems.

Craftycorvid · 30/03/2019 08:25

Gifts can be a huge way of controlling others without seeming to be other than a generous person. Your DM sounds like this is her way of being in control. And you seem to have been on the receiving end of this control yourself as a child. It should be no particular issue as to when your DD passes her driving test. The thought she will be ‘punished’ for not doing so can only add to the pressure. Seeing that her siblings played the game and got rewarded is intended to provoke her to want to please her grandma even more. It would be fine to say jewellery is not your DD’s ‘thing’ but people with such a need to control are likely to ignore preferences. If your DM ignores the request for no jewellery, I’d say it’s fair enough to sell and for your DD to use it to save for a car. That way she is in control.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/03/2019 08:26

That is mean, she should put that money aside until your dd passes, some people take longer. Tell her that you will be selling the jewllery to buy a car.

BlueJava · 30/03/2019 08:27

That's bizarre - people don't pass their driving test on a schedule for other people! It's very strange your DM wants to control to that extent as well. Personally I would cut the drama and say thank you for whatever she gives (jewellery/car/something else)then sell it and buy what she wants.

Takethebuscuitandthesink · 30/03/2019 08:27

YABU

I’m with you do on this one you can drive age 17 and literally take the test on your 17th birthday. Why on earth has it taken her 4 years to pass. I can see how you do wouldn’t want to waste her money on a car that would just sit there because the owner couldn’t legally drive it.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/03/2019 08:28

Plus she probably feels so bad because her siblings have passed, and will receive a car, and this has knocked her confidence, like she is not good enough. Gifts can be controlling, and your dm is using the 'gift' as a form of control, which is not good. f