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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dd is being treated unfairly by her grandma

93 replies

Frogsring · 30/03/2019 06:21

I've nc because I expect I may be flamed.

So my dm very kindly a couple of years ago stated to all my 3 dc that on their 21st birthday she'd buy them a car. My dc said that there was no need but she insisted and said that this is what she wants to spend her money on.

My eldest dc turned 21 a couple of years ago and received a car for her birthday from my dm. My dm reiterated to my second dc that she would be getting a car for her 21st in a couple of years as well.

My second dc is now turning 21 next month. She hasn't yet passed her driving test because she suffers from nerves and has made silly mistakes on her test but is a very good driver during her lessons and when I've taken her out in my car. She finishes university in a couple of months and is planning on doing one of those intense courses and then dedicating her summer to passing. Rather than wait a couple of months to give her a chance to pass, dm has said that she won't be getting a car because she should have passed already so she no longer deserves it. Instead, she said she's going to buy dd some expensive jewellery. Dd isn't interested in jewellery and never wears it which I told dm because I didn't want her to waste her money but she insists that she will buy her this and won't budge.

Dd has said that she's very grateful for the offer of a car and would rather have no birthday present until she passes her test and could then receive a car from dm.

She has a job starting after summer where it will make her life much easier if she can drive to it and won't be able to afford a car on her own until at least a year into work.

My youngest dc passed their test recently and my DM said to them that they'd be receiving a car on their 21st.

Aibu to think that DM is treating dd unequally and should buy her a car when she passes rather than give her a present that she has no interest in.

I know none of them have the right to a car and DM is being very generous and it is kind of her. I just think that she is treating her dc's unequally

OP posts:

Springwalk · 30/03/2019 08:33

If you have promised a car and the child is desperate for the car. Punishing them because they are a nervous driver is an act of cruelty by withdrawing your promise. Even if the car sits on the drive it is without a doubt better to fulfil a promise and leave it with the recipient. It’s not for dm to decide that dd will never ever successfully pass her test so therefore jewellery it is. That’s just nasty takethebiscuit

Billben · 30/03/2019 08:38

she should have passed already so she no longer deserves it.

This is what would make me tell her to stick her jewellery where the sun don’t shine.

WhiskersPete · 30/03/2019 08:46

I’d sell the car for younger DD and give half to each DD towards their own cars.

YANBU

BarbarianMum · 30/03/2019 08:46

Its not fair but then your dm doeesnt have to be fair. So you have 2 jobs here - to show your dd how to cope with controlling people and to look at your own response.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 30/03/2019 08:55

It’s up to your mum what she spends her money on. It’s equally up to your daughter what she does with any gifts received for her birthday. If she decides to sell the jewellery then that is perfectly up to her.

amusedbush · 30/03/2019 08:57

Why on earth has it taken her 4 years to pass.

ODFOD. Driving is difficult and nerve wracking and horrible for some people, and not everyone sees it as an "essential life skill" as you hear on MN.

It took me seven years of stop-start lessons to pass a test because I was just too anxious. I was 25 when I passed and 3.5 years later I've finally bought a car. Pressure and judgement and deadlines don't help anyone.

diddl · 30/03/2019 08:58

I suppose if you offer to buy a car for a 21st you'd be thinking that the test would have been passed by then.

That said, it is very unkind, isn't it?

And obviously very controlling.

What if the youngest needs a car before turning 21?

Presumably if they buy one then they wouldn't get one either for their 21st?

Mememeplease · 30/03/2019 09:01

Tell her that she'd like the car as it will be easier to learn to drive in her own car.

Tbh I'd lose a lot of respect for her if she follows this through. I'd have to pull her up about the unfairness of it all. And I'd tell her not to bother wasting her money on jewellery. If she can't have a car, don't bother with anything.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 30/03/2019 09:06

Id be flogging the jewellery

IvanaPee · 30/03/2019 09:07

Yeah, I’d lie too.

Mention to your mum that dd really wants the car and so is going to try to pass again.

Then wait a few weeks and have her excitedly announce that she’s passed.

Failing that, if she won’t budge on the car tell her that the jewellery will be lost/unworn and to give dd cash instead.

Usually I’d be in the camp of “you can’t dictate a present” but your mum is being quite the bitchy controller!

BottleOfJameson · 30/03/2019 09:09

It's just a weird gift in general what if at 21 despite having passed the test they don't need or want a car (at 21 I lived in London and wouldn't want to waste money insuring a car I'd rarely need)? What if they already have a car? She sounds like a control freak.

diddl · 30/03/2019 09:13

Can't help thinking that she'd as for proof that the test has been passed if it unexpectedly happens before Op's daughter's 21st.

chocatoo · 30/03/2019 09:18

I agree with 7yo7yo...tell grandma that she has passed the test.

daisypond · 30/03/2019 09:21

Very unfair to make a birthday present dependent on whether or not you pass an exam, and if you don’t pass you don’t deserve the present. It’s disgusting. Not everyone can pass a driving test first time and many people never do. It’s expensive to learn as well and for some people the costs would outweigh the benefits.

IvanaPee · 30/03/2019 09:23

If she does want proof, how savvy is she?

Could you send a pic of your other dd’s pass cert and sort of angle the camera so only the surname is showing?? Or a pic of her holding it?!

I know that’s quite devious but I’d be furious with her and wouldn’t give a shit about tricking her!

reallybadidea · 30/03/2019 09:26

To not have passed in time to your dm shows a lack of respect for what is a really generous gift.

WTF? That is seriously twisted logic there.

altiara · 30/03/2019 09:34

Surely if grandma says car for 21st, you get car for 21st. Being able to drive it is irrelevant!! (Like wearing jewellery - it’s irrelevant to her that DD doesn’t wear jewellery!)
I don’t see why she had to have passed, it’s good to be able to practice driving in your own car (if fortunate enough to have one).

RubyRoseViolet · 30/03/2019 09:36

“She should have passed already so no longer deserves a car”????

Wow, she sounds absolutely horrible!!!

category12 · 30/03/2019 09:37

Your mum isn't very nice, this is all about power and point-scoring.

If you're all going to accept gifts from her then you've got to acknowledge these things come with a price with her. That's the family dynamic.

Blewbird · 30/03/2019 09:43

Don't lie. That's so wrong and teaches your daughter to manipulate people. This is your chance to show healthy behaviour in the face of somewhat bizarre behaviour.

You can't force your mother into spending her money but you can tell her how upsetting it is for all your kids and you. The kids can tell her too.

Does your mother help you out financially? Is there some form for her believing she has more day than she should because she's funding things?

Maybe she feels like your DD doesn't really want a car if she hasn't bothered in 4 years to pass her test?

Thegoodthere · 30/03/2019 09:49

I'm afraid that's the hazards of accepting gifts from emotionally abusive people.

Just say "fine". Sell the jewellery, put it towards a car. Your DM enjoys the power trip, don't give her your energy.

GPatz · 30/03/2019 09:50

Reading through the OP's posts, I don't think its a case of 'hasn't bothered in 4 years to pass her test'. She's tried and now she is quite rightly concentrating on university exams.

JenniferJareau · 30/03/2019 09:59

WTF? That is seriously twisted logic there.

It's not my logic, I am trying to see it from the grandma's point of view. We have been told she is controlling and I know people like that so am guessing this is how she will see it. Didn't pass in time = ungrateful for expensive gift.

differentnameforthis · 30/03/2019 10:09

The two dc who have passed, are they boys or girls?

WatchingFromTheWings · 30/03/2019 10:12

Sell the jewellery on the sly to buy a car. ???

I wouldn't be In the slightest bit sly about it! Sell the jewellery, put it towards a car, tell her all about it after! She's being vvvvu.

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