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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not tell anyone I'm pregnant?

79 replies

BambooB · 29/03/2019 20:21

Just found I am 4 weeks pregnant.

In all honesty I have had 2 early miscarriages and I don't want anyone to know I am pregnant until I've had the scan and all is ok?.

Including my daughter? Which is going to be so hard as she is asking me all the time if I can have a baby brother/sister for her!. She keeps drawing pictures of us and 'the new baby' and putting her hand on my stomach telling me she can't wait to meet 'the baby'.

I 100% have not told her, my partner doesn't even know yet - we've not been great recently and my last miscarriage he took it really hard.

I'm just frightened and want to have an early scan (private) to make sure all is ok before I say anything to anyone,

AIBU to not tell anyone for another 4 weeks? I can book a scan at 8 weeks. I don't want my daughter to be hurt if I lose this baby too, and same with my partner.

OP posts:
Mintypea5 · 30/03/2019 15:05

@BambooB in my area you have to have had 3+ miscarriages or have bleeding / pain to get early nhs scans so potentially you may not qualify it just depends. In some areas drs can refer you in others you can self refer to the epu.

If not private is your only option for early scans

PurpleDaisies · 30/03/2019 15:13

I know it sounds strange but I think I could cope much better than him if I had another miscarriage

It doesn’t sound strange, but you should still tell him. It’s teally unfair on him not to. How will he feel when you tell him you’ve known for weeks?

DoneLikeAKipper · 30/03/2019 15:18

My daughter isn't as young as you think, she's 5, nearly 6

That's very young, far too young to deal with the emotional impact of a miscarriage, if another sadly occurs. I'd personally not tell her until past the 20 week mark at that age.

warriorprincessandwidowed · 30/03/2019 16:10

Waited until 28 weeks with my 3rd to tell my 2 children. And then at 30 weeks for anyone eles... some people.didnt even know I was pregnant until she was born.

We had a miscarriage at 16.5 weeks. So that was our driving force.

Worriedwart18 · 30/03/2019 16:18

Be careful with private scans, I had one at 8 weeks as the same as you was nervous about another miscarriage.

They couldn't find anything on the screen and it was heartbreaking. It was a Friday too so spent the whole weekend grieving and thinking we had lost our baby.

It wasn't until the Monday we went to EPU and they did an internal scan. Due to my tilted cervix it was hard to see the baby and I too was 2 weeks behind so was only actually 6 weeks and a teeny tiny heartbeat on screen.

It caused more worry and distress tbh.

HerculesMulligan · 30/03/2019 16:22

I (with my parents) was staying with an aunt when I was 13 and she had a m/c which was her third pregnancy. I felt extremely emotional about it, despite being several steps removed and sheltered from any of the visual/practical elements of it. I have friends who've had dreadful outcomes at 20 week scans, and then terminations/induced deliveries.

5/6 is still so young, please don't tell her any earlier than you have to.

elliejjtiny · 30/03/2019 16:24

I think you need to tell your partner. However everyone else can wait. I've had miscarriages before too and I found it hard to get the timing right with telling people. My older dc were always the first to know though, usually at 14ish weeks.

LipstickTaserrr · 30/03/2019 16:31

We didn't tell my DD until I was 25 weeks due to miscarriage.

I'm also sorry to say that an early scan may not be helpful.
I had a scan at 9 weeks everything was fine, saw the heartbeat etc. By 13 weeks everything had gone wrong and I lost that baby. 2% chance apparently.

IRememberSoIDo · 30/03/2019 16:37

Firstly congratulations. Secondly I can totally understand how you want to hold out. My eldest was three when I got pregnant a second time. Sadly that was a late miscarriage so dd knew I was pregnant. I hadn't told her early just timing meant she knew. I held out on the next pregnancy for quite a long time. I only ended up telling her as I had hyperemesis the whole way through the pregnancy and she was starting to get upset something was wrong with me so we told her. I really hope this pregnancy is the one for you

00100001 · 30/03/2019 16:43

5 nearly 6 is still too young to tell early on and as surprise.

If you miscarry, they may blame themselves and may struggle to understand why the baby died.

You should build up to the idea of then having a sibling.

7-8 months is an eternity to a 5/6 yo, they really will get bored of the idea!

Just wait until 20-25 weeks, after knowing all is well, and build up to it!

Unless you're prepared to risk having toe explain a miscarriage to your child?

Original poster
BambooB · 30/03/2019 17:56

Im just nervous. DH was very upset last time. DD didnt know, last time i got a strong positive test then just less than 36 hours later I was bleeding heavily.

Im not sure how long id be able to hide it from DD as when i was pregnant with her, I was showing by 13 weeks! And i was overweight too at the time. Im smaller now than i was when i got pregnant last time! 😆😬.

Ive lost quite a bit of weight recently so hopefully that will help my chances of this baby sticking ❤️

OP posts:
00100001 · 30/03/2019 18:04

Even if DD notices and says anything, she likely won't assume you're pregnant

Xmasbaby11 · 30/03/2019 18:14

I would tell dh immediately. Noone else til 12 weeks.

Best of luck with your pregnancy. You sound like a lovely thoughtful mum.

hopefulhalf · 30/03/2019 18:22

In my second pregnancy I told Ds (aged 2) and work at around 24 weeks. Family and friends at 12 (except my sister at about 8/9 weeks I think)

Yukka · 30/03/2019 18:32

Congratulations op! I’m with the others. I had 3mcs currently on pregnabcy number 4. I’ve needed my dh ever inch of the way and I think you should tell him. He will be happy and anxious, just like you, but you can take it one day/one week at a time together.
Private scans are around £80 roughly you can try ultra sound direct they’re national. Don’t go till after 6w 4 d as hopefully then you’ll see a heartbeat which is a big milestone. Only 1% of women have a third mc so chances are you’ll be ok. If not, you’ll be heading for tests.

Agree not to tell dd until you need to. Use this time to focus on you and your wellbeing xx

And good luck xx

GrumpyMummy123 · 30/03/2019 18:56

My DS is 5, if I were to get pregnant again I wouldn't tell him until at least after 20 week scan. He doesn't need to know until he needs to. But mainly I wouldn't want to have to explain if anything bad happened and then to deal with all the questions etc from him. But your partner - tell him!

When I was pregnant with DS I ended up telling more people than I'd really wanted l early on and I got so worried about then explaining if anything happened! They were all super excited but I was terrified. And that's what I'd go by - only tell the closest to you, that you'd turn to anyway for support if the worst happened before the 20w scan.

So definitely not until 12 weeks and then as long as possible after that before telling your daughter then anyone else.

Original poster
BambooB · 30/03/2019 20:25

Ill be honest Im feeling crappy and my stomach is hurting a lot.

Im going to give it a few days and if I dont bleed then ill tell him before he comes home. Im not holding out much hope tbh :( really feel crap x

OP posts:
Absofrigginlootly · 30/03/2019 20:33

Sorry OP. I’ve been pregnant many times and had stomach pain in all of them: successful and unsuccesful pregnancies, there’s so much stretching and growing in the early days I feel like I had constant period pain.

Pain on its own without bleeding (unless very strongly concentrated on one side) is more often than not nothing to worry about

Sending you positive thoughts CakeFlowers

Original poster
BambooB · 30/03/2019 20:52

Its on my left side with sharp pains but dull everywhere

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 30/03/2019 20:53

It sounds like you need to seek proper medical advice.

Absofrigginlootly · 30/03/2019 21:09

How many weeks are you? Do you have any pain in your shoulder?

If it’s concentrated on one side at this time of night on a Saturday I would call 111 for advice rather than rock up to a&e but I agree you should seek medical advice to hopefully be scanned and have an ectopic ruled out. Wishing you lots of good luck op Flowers

Absofrigginlootly · 30/03/2019 21:12

Just re read your op, says your 4 weeks and just found out. Are you 100% sure of your dates?
Sharp pain at this stage is most likely implantation pain.... ectopic pain usually becomes apparent (and dangerous) at 6-7 weeks when the embryo outgrows it’s space in the non stretchy Fallopian tube.

A scan before 6 weeks won’t show anything.... even so probably best to phone 111 for advice and maybe they can get you booked into EPU for next week

Original poster
BambooB · 30/03/2019 21:30

Im pretty sure. The test said 1-2 weeks but you add two weeks to it dont you?.

OP posts:
Original poster
BambooB · 30/03/2019 21:31

No pain in shoulder and i have a hot water melon on my stomach so thats helping ease the pain off

OP posts:
Original poster
BambooB · 30/03/2019 21:32

Hot water bottle 🤦‍♀️, not hot water melon. Its been a long day at work today with little sleep

OP posts:
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