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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Woman in car and my kids

103 replies

kate20091985 · 29/03/2019 18:25

This happened earlier and really annoyed me, though I'm not sure if I'm annoyed at myself or the woman for criticising me.
I was going out with my children, dd2 in pram and ds4 walking at the side. My son has always been fantastic at walking, never runs off and always holds hands or holds the pram (dd is absolute opposite!) We'd left the house and I realised I'd forgotten something I needed to post. We'd just come out of our front garden and my son was holding onto the pram on the path. I told him to wait there while I nipped back for the letter. I was gone probably less than a minute, and it was about 15 steps from the pram to our house.
I came back to the pram and a car reversed down the road towards me, so I assumed they were wanting directions or something. The car pulled up and the woman driving said 'oh we thought they were by themselves.' I just smiled and said 'oh no it's ok I just nipped back for something', and thought that was the end of the conversation. All the time getting looks off her passenger. The driver then very condecendingly said to me 'you want to be careful, he could have run straight into the road'. And then drove off.
I felt really annoyed that this woman had decided to reverse down the road to say this to me, and spoke to me as if I was a negligent parent. But then I started to wonder whether I was being negligent, and it just worried me (I'm a massive worrier!) that this woman obviously thought I was out of order enough that she needed to come back and speak to me. AIBU?

OP posts:

Excited101 · 29/03/2019 20:12

I don’t think what you did was that bad either! I have to leave the same aged kids a few steps while I go up steps to shut and lock the door, you cannot cover every eventuality.

SurgeHopper · 29/03/2019 20:13

What starch said

HarrysOwl · 29/03/2019 20:16

I was wrong. I have admitted this several times, and I feel shit for doing it.

You weren't wrong, you were human! Don't feel shit. Feel proud you have a very well behaved 4 year old!

AWishForWingsThatWork · 29/03/2019 20:23

I 100% agree with the woman, and I would have checked, too. I work in Reception, full of 4 and 5 year olds. Even the little angels who do what they're asked make mistakes and surprise us sometimes. You don't leave 4 and 2 year olds alone next to a road like that.

Original poster

kate20091985 · 29/03/2019 20:23

Thanks those of you for your kind words! I think I knew when I posted on here that messed up and was lucky, just needed some impartial people to tell me!

OP posts:

DontCallMeCharlotte · 29/03/2019 20:23

My office is on the corner of a crossroads on a very busy A road. There's a house opposite which opens almost straight onto the main road with two small children who THANK GOD aren't bolters but my stomach drops whenever I see them unattended by the front door or by the car. It literally makes me feel sick - same as when I see untethered children on train platforms.

So whilst you know your child/ren won't run, the lady in the car wouldn't know that.

flumpybear · 29/03/2019 20:24

Yes as others echo I'd never do that, I don't even let me 7&10 year olds stand alone by the road for many reasons either

You could have had brake failure, some weirdo passing, a freak accident that happens more often than nit .... never ever worth the risk

Dillydallyingthrough · 29/03/2019 20:25

Don't feel like shit, and don't dwell on it - no-one is a perfect parent we all do stuff that once we stop and think about it we regret. It's part and parcel of parenting. Enjoy your evening

Inmyvestandpants · 29/03/2019 20:33

I really hate people who take time out of their day to tell a parent they are doing a bad job. This has happened to me on a couple of occasions - each time, I have been in a situation that I regretted getting into with the kids, and was struggling to get out of it safely and quickly, only to be waylaid by an interferring nuisance who had taken it upon themselves to comment on my parenting. It's rude and unfeeling.

If you see a child in trouble, step in to protect them if necessary, or hang around watching to check nothing untoward happens, but don't weigh in on the parent when they get back. I once stopped a young toddler from picking up broken glass (a Christmas decoration in a department store had fallen from the tree and smashed) - I quite sternly said "don't touch that!" as I saw what she was about to do. She ran to her Mum in tears - I think I shocked her. I explained to the Mum what had happened, but what I didn't do was criticise the Mum for taking her eye off her child for a few seconds. I am sure the Mum realised she had dropped the ball and she didn't need me rubbing it in.

We all reflect on situations we put our children in, and maybe conclude we won't do it again. Maybe YWU to leave your children as you did, maybe you weren't - that's for you to decide, but the woman in the car, actually reversing back to personally chastise you - she was self-righteous and unreasonable.

mama17 · 29/03/2019 20:39

The person was unreasonable u know our own children I've done it myself a few times and can completely trust my 4 year old not to run into the road.

Orangeday · 29/03/2019 20:39

I don’t think you did anything wrong.

pansydansy · 29/03/2019 20:40

Too many people put their trust in small children. It's the same with the ones who walk along with the toddler walking off in front or behind them. There's a lady that walks her 4 children to school near mine and there's a little one about 18m -2 years old on a scooter and he's so far infront of her on a busy road. My heart is always in my mouth when I see him Cos he rides so close to the road. If he fell off he would end up under a car! I find myself thinking "for gods sake woman put him in a buggy" 🙈

GabsAlot · 29/03/2019 20:40

i get so freaked out whilst driving if i see really young kids alone or running ahead im always ready to slam on as i should be but it gives me the chills

mathanxiety · 29/03/2019 20:46

Sorry - I think she was right.

There is always a first time for a four year old to do something he has never done before.

Billben · 29/03/2019 20:48

Personally, I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

Hersheys · 29/03/2019 20:52

Good god plenty of reasons in this day and age NOT to leave your children certainly in that situation. Your child is 4 not 14!

mathanxiety · 29/03/2019 20:52

Inmyvestandpants maybe she reversed to check what was happening or to stay with the children until the OP returned. Maybe she wondered if something had happened to the OP ( a fall and bump to the head, or a twisted ankle, or sickness perhaps). She might not have got a detailed look at the situation when she first passed the children. I don't think you can assume she reversed just to berate the OP.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 29/03/2019 21:14

'I really hate people who take time out of their day to tell a parent they are doing a bad job.'

Agree with this (and also with virtually everyone else that YWBU, OP, though you don't need me to tell you that now ).

I feel the same about people who let their very small children (2-3yo) run, scoot or (worst of all) cycle off masses ahead (3yos on bikes not entirely uncommon here). I do notice it's often parents with only young children, because their eldest seems 'old' to them, if that makes sense. When you have a 13yo and an 11yo as well as a 3yo, as I do, you realise how little the 3yo really is.* It's strictly holding hands when walking along the pavement with mine, and I always walk on the side closest to the road, too. I haven't managed to interest her in her balance bike yet. When my older two had theirs they always only got to ride a very short way ahead.

(*But the idea of not leaving a 10yo alone by the road, as per a PP, is a little bit 'from the sublime to the ridiculous'. My 11yo was cycling to school alone at 9)

breakingthebank · 29/03/2019 21:48

I think she should have kept her opinions to herself. Stop and help if you need to but don't go out of your way to make another parent feel like shit.

KathyS901 · 29/03/2019 23:27

I'd have sent him in for the letter I think. The woman was just being concerned

fargo123 · 30/03/2019 05:17

i get so freaked out whilst driving if i see really young kids alone or running ahead im always ready to slam on as i should be but it gives me the chills

Same. It's grossly irresponsible of the adults in charge to allow this to happen.

Two weeks ago a three year old boy was killed in a petrol station/road services forecourt near me after he was allowed to run around unchecked. He bolted out in front a of a car and the driver had no hope of avoiding the child according to eyewitnesses. The poor child paid the ultimate price for his parents' negligence and the poor driver will have to live with this horror and trauma for the rest of their lives. Something that was 100 per cent avoidable except for lazy 'parenting'.

Norma27 · 30/03/2019 06:30

Don't beat yourself and don't dwell on it now op. I wouldn't leave a child near a road tho. My stepdad was knocked down and killed in December crossing the road. The driver couldn't stop in time and has to live with that forever now.
I did pull my judgy pants up a couple of days ago when a mum at out school crossed the road without her reception aged boy as he was having a strop for some reason. He got across safely but easily have run into the road once the lights changed.

Claphands · 30/03/2019 06:36

I don’t think YWBU , you know your kids and you were hardly letting them run wild were you? Everyone has something to say when it comes to children!

MsHopey · 30/03/2019 06:38

I think maybe she was giving an explanation.
I mean, if I saw someone reversing down the road and then stopping to look at me kids and I came round the corner, its probably best to explain they were just concerned rather than a weirdo. Because in that situation it really could look either way!
And I do think if we've done something a little risky and been caught out then we get a little defensive.
Its over now, the kids are fine, you've thought about the risks a bit more and won't do it again so it's one less situation something bad could happen in.
I think I'd have checked to make sure everything was okay as well, but I would also have explained why I was doing it so you didn't think I was a weirdo/kidnapper/perv etc.

ittakes2 · 30/03/2019 07:36

No way I would have left them either. Sorry.

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