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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move back to my shitty home town and hope it'll be OK?

34 replies

Babysharkdododont · 29/03/2019 15:20

I'm in a huge quandary. Relationship is on its very last legs, 1dc and pg with dc 2.
We live in an expensive place with no help from in laws as they all work, so pay for all childcare etc.
My home town is cheap, so my half of the settlement would be a 50% deposit on a reasonable home for me and dc. My mother is due to retire and would happily provide childcare for me to work.
But, home town is a bit shit. Very small minded, left as soon as I could. I worry I'd be lonely and struggle to make friends etc. Dc would very probably be happy there though, it's not a totally awful place.
So AIBU to move "home" for practical reasons and try to make it work?

OP posts:
boredboredboredboredbored · 29/03/2019 15:22

I think it sounds like the best option at the minute. Are the schools ok? My home town wasn't great but we never really noticed as kids.

I think you need to consider money, support and childcare. Could you manage / would you want to anywhere else away from your home town?

Original poster
Babysharkdododont · 29/03/2019 15:30

Thanks bored. Schools are OK, probably mid table for results etc.
If I stayed where I am life would be more frantic as I'd be tied to nursery times etc, and DH often travels with work so is absent frequently.
I feel a bit mean as home is around 40 miles away so would probably rule out him popping in for mid week visits etc as he could if I was local.

OP posts:
Minesapineappledelight · 29/03/2019 16:17

I'd move. So what if it is a bit dull, as long as it is safe and affordable and means security, it will work for raising small children. You can always look at moving somewhere else when they are a bit older. See it as a way to establish yourself securely during their early years.

Dragongirl10 · 29/03/2019 16:24

I would go, you can then focus on getting your own career plans up and running , whilst having really great childcare from your DM.
Also it would be far less stress for your Dcs having their GM looking after them especially after such a difficult time for them,( and you)

You don't have to stay for ever, its sounds like a good financial decision allowing you space and time to improve your earning capacity for if you want to move later....

FizzyGreenWater · 29/03/2019 16:28

Argh. Not sure. Be careful, once you're there and you've bought a house you're stuck.

It's weird going back. If you left because you feel it's somewhere that doesn't reflect you, isn't where you want to be, then think carefully. It's so different to moving to a new shitty place Grin - it could be a real mistake.

50% of a house... is there no middle ground? Is there no Town C, in which you might only be able to put down 25% of a house because it's a bit more expensive than your hometown, but there's more opportunity, a more diverse community and you know you'd be happier?

Don't dismiss your own needs. You NEED to feel happy and positive, you're going to have a lot on your plate and you want to look forward to a life you can find enjoyment and fun in, not feel you've gone backwards. New pastures, not feelingtrapped!

There are other considerations - job opportunities, resale values of house if your circumstances change. A smaller house in a better area is ALWAYS what folk say you should go for.

QueenOfCatan · 29/03/2019 16:32

Having done it 2.5 years ago with dh when I was pregnant with DD1, I would say don't if you can avoid it. We regret it so much, both of us became very depressed and we are very very thankful that we'll be in a position to move away in the next year at most.

QueenOfCatan · 29/03/2019 16:33

We'll be downsizing to a flat to get out as well, but happy to pay the "out of x-Town tax" as dh calls it! You really need to consider everything before moving back and look at whether you will be happy realistically, we went back with Rose tinted glasses on thinking it was only awful in our youth, we were very wrong!

SummerHouse · 29/03/2019 16:34

Could you stay with your mum for a month while you make up your mind?

Original poster
Babysharkdododont · 29/03/2019 16:42

Thanks for all of your opinions, it's certainly food for thought.
Fizzy I see your point about town C, but the major factor for moving is having childcare on the doorstep, so town C would be the worst of all options IYSWIM.
Maybe the best option would be to rent in hometown for 6 months and see how awful or bearable it really is.
I'm a nurse so not too worried about work opportunities, there seems to be a recruitment crisis so I'll no doubt get a decent job wherever I am thankfully.

OP posts:
SurgeHopper · 29/03/2019 16:46

Yeah I'd move mate, given the circumstances

anniehm · 29/03/2019 16:47

I would move, little town may actually be a lot better than you think because your life is very different to when you were a teenager. Places that growing up my dh thought were grotty are actually really nice for a young family. But I would suggest staying with your mum if possible for 6 months and seeing where you want to live, perhaps quite near but not the same town!

Dillydallyingthrough · 29/03/2019 16:47

I would move, you don't have to stay there forever. I did this for a short period the childcare helped build my career - was able to be involved in projects that I could work late on and the financial element (saving on childcare, cheaper living costs) enabled me to build up my savings to leave and as a cushion.

SurgeHopper · 29/03/2019 16:47

You're a nurse? So move back, get settled then you can always look to move again in the future 🔮

averythinline · 29/03/2019 16:49

I think I woudl rent as you left for a reason/... it also gives your mum a chance to try out the childminding for you she may find it a bit much ... as she especially if she will have 2 to look after....how old is your current DC? when will they get nursery funding...
if your nursing is shift type then having your mum to cover for shifts will beinvaluable but if you are 'daytime' nursing then there are lots of childcare options...

a plan ! for next x years til both at school with options may help you decide.... being happy where you live is important - but independence and not being stressed financially is also important

mikado1 · 29/03/2019 16:49

I did it and regret it. I would write down all the things you like about current place, Inc positive things for the dc, and try to imagine life without them. Would it be miserable or OK? Hometown is always there but if you're really not sure, I'd stay put.

wigglypiggly · 29/03/2019 16:55

Congratulations on your pg, when is baby due? Are you planning to get a job now or wait until you've had mat l eave, sure there would be plenty of agency or bank work. I'd look at renting for now, see how it all pans out, whereabouts is it? It could have changed since you lived there and be a better place for DC.

bookmum08 · 29/03/2019 16:56

It depends what you want for life for you and your children. Schools obviously are important but personally I wouldn't take ofsted reports and sat results as being too important as every school changes all the time and every year group is a different group of children so it will always be different. Do you want parks, library, Children's Centres, swimming pool, an easy to get to selection of shops that sell everyday basics etc. Think what is the most important things that you would like your children to have and decide if your home town could cover that. Pretty much every town has the basics. No town will be perfect. Town A may have a lovely modern library and fancy park but a run down shabby old swimming pool. Town B may have an awesome leisure pool but a dusty old library which is on the verge of closing down. Having family so close can do much in terms of support. Are you on Facebook? Joining local Facebook groups is a good way of seeing what is happening in the town. Facebook groups for local parents could mean you establish friendships before you even get there. You may come across people you knew from school so familar faces are nice to have.
With your family there you can also give yourself 'a life' - an evening out. Have a look on sites like meetup.com to see what social groups that you may be interested in that you could go to.
A pros and cons list may be a good idea - but don't go on old memories of that dodgy pub you used to go to or hanging out in the park when you were 13. Look at what the town is now.

backinaminute · 29/03/2019 17:01

I did after a break up with a boyfriend and met DP of 12 years so ended up staying.

As much as I'm not sure I would want dc to stay here, it's actually really safe and they have lots of friends who all live locally.

The relationship they have with grandparents and the benefits of having family and support nearby out weighs any need to move away for me.

backinaminute · 29/03/2019 17:02

Sorry to clarify, I have DC with now DP who are all at primary school.

Firstworddinosaur · 29/03/2019 17:03

I feel for you OP. It's a really hard decision. We moved back to my husband's town a few years ago and it's shite. BUT we have a house, the kids are happier, family are close by and invaluable. I've even made a few friends who are like-minded and I love. I make a real effort to keep up with my old friends, stayovers and holidays whenever we can. Good luck with whatever you decide x

EvaHarknessRose · 29/03/2019 17:07

Will dh be seeking 50-50 arrangement, new baby excepted? I think there needs to be some negotiation over how contact will work and how finances will work before you make a decision.

brizzlemint · 29/03/2019 17:22

I'd move back, having family on the doorstep is worth its weight in gold.

Orangecookie · 29/03/2019 17:23

Yes. I’d move. I’d see it as a 2 year plan. Get on your feet, get support and go away on weekends your ex has them to where you’d next like to move to.

Use the time your mum gives as a chance to take very good care of yourself. Get work. Get exercise/counselling/do classes and recover.

Then build up to move number two.

septembersunshine · 29/03/2019 17:24

I wouldn't buy op. You might not be able to sell it or if you do you might loose money. Houses are staying on the market forever here. Market has really slowed. Rent or stay with your mum in the short term and see how you feel. Nothing to regret then because you can easily change things 6 months/a year down the line.

Or maybe there is a place 10/15 mins drive out that would suit you better? Mum would still be close but you wouldn't be in the actual town.

flitwit99 · 29/03/2019 17:27

If you move away does that place more responsibility on you to facilitate contact? That could be a lot of driving for the next 15 years

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