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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by family’s birthday present...

70 replies

Stripesareus · 29/03/2019 06:18

I am fairly sure IABU but just feeling so upset. It is my step daughters 16th Birthday in a couple of weeks. Discovered last night that my husbands family have all chipped in to buy her an expensive Pandora charm bracelet which she will love but I’m not sure how we can compete with that? Have bought her a few bits and pieces including a nice bracelet which will just look crap compared to the Pandora one. Realise my feelings are about our own inadequacies as parents being able to buy our daughter something special when it shouldn’t matter and it should be about her but just feeling so angry and upset. Please tell me something to make me feel better.

OP posts:
youknowmedontyou · 29/03/2019 06:23

I presume you have a limited amount of money to spend? TBH I think the thought hone into the present from the family is lovely, to make the effort to do a collection is nice if the person doing it and shows regard and respect for your DSD? Why on Earth are you so angry? Would you prefer they do nothing?

hidinginthenightgarden · 29/03/2019 06:23

I think it’s really nice of them. I would much rather than that each person spend £10 of crap. I get you feel inadequate but I don’t think she would be comparing she will just be happy to have it.

PurpleDaisies · 29/03/2019 06:23

Try not to think about the money. The presents that are just special to me are often cheap but really thoughtful things. I’m sure she’ll love the bracelet you’ve got her because it’s from you. Anyone can go to pandora and choose something.

Decormad38 · 29/03/2019 06:24

Can you do something else like a home pamper day for her or cook her and her friends a nice meal. It doesn’t all have to be about shop bought stuff.

AgentJohnson · 29/03/2019 06:24

Seriously! Not buying your SD an expensive present makes you an inadequate parent, give your head a wobble. It’s not a bloody competition, why are you making ‘her’ birthday about you. Find another moment to express your insecurities.

Babygrey7 · 29/03/2019 06:25

Compete? That is a strange word to use

Maybe exchange the bracelet for something else, just because she is already getting one now.

It is not a competition though. Really not

GertrudeCB · 29/03/2019 06:28

Well I think you sound lovely, step mums can get a hard time on here but you obviously want the best for her .

Originofstars · 29/03/2019 06:30

Presumably your step daughter is aware of any financial constraints at her age. I agree return the bracelet and as in a few weeks she'll be about to take her GCSE's and it's stressful, could you create a nice relaxing experience for her.

OKBobble · 29/03/2019 06:38

Return the bracelet you have bought her unless it is one she specifically wanted. I would be inclined to gonwith the flow and buy a special bead for the Pandora bracelet, chosing something that has special significance to your family. It would make her bracelet even more special that way.

I assume the wider family got together to make it a special thing for her rather than trting to out do you (and I assume you mean her father too) or is it her mother who has bought herq this hence your comment about competing? In which case don't. Her mum is allowed to buy her nice gifts if her finances allow and your stepdaughter is old enough to understand if her dad's/your s don't.

ReadMyLipss · 29/03/2019 06:40

Why are you angry at them? This isn't about them trying to making you feel inadequate, but about them showing their love for your step daughter. It's completely about HER.

Isn't it great that she has family who want to make her feel special on her birthday? That includes both you and her father wanting the same thing.

If you already have a good relationship with her then she knows you love her and will do your best with whatever you give her.

Or is this actually about your own relationship with your in laws??

Original poster
Stripesareus · 29/03/2019 06:40

I know it is not about me and it is not a competition, it is a lovely thought getting her a special bracelet. I’m trying hard not to let it get to me but it clearly is and I need to try and get over it.

OP posts:
MsSquiz · 29/03/2019 06:41

If they have bought her the bracelet, I presume it's the bracelet without any charms? So why not return your bracelet and buy her first charm instead?

Or leave it as it is, and your step daughter gets a charm bracelet from the family and lovely bracelet from her dad and stepmum.

sandgrown · 29/03/2019 06:41

Some of my favourite presents are little unusual things. This year my friend bought me some tiny shears for dead heading plants . They cost less than £5 but I use them more than any other present.
Could you do something personal like decorating her room which could be done fairly cheaply.

maddening · 29/03/2019 06:42

The Pandora rings are not too badly priced

Zoflorabore · 29/03/2019 06:46

Oh op I get what you're saying but it's honestly not a competition and I'm presuming that nobody has made you feel like it is? Maybe just your own insecurities?

My ds was 16 a couple of weeks ago and we bought him some lovely gifts and an experience plus meal with his best friend and us etc and his dad gave him £1000 plus a season ticket plus an invite to the Caribbean in the summer! Now that's a hard act to follow. And I don't intend to.

Be happy for her and remember that you can but charms for her bracelet for significant events, 18th/21st etc and they will mean more than the actual bracelet.
It will all be fine Flowers

Margot33 · 29/03/2019 06:50

That's lovely. Be happy for her. Can you take yours back? Some earrings or a ring instead? Everyone loves her and wants to buy her a nice present. It's not a competition. Hope you're okay.

CupoTeap · 29/03/2019 06:53

Get her a pandora voucher and choose on together after her birthday

topcat2014 · 29/03/2019 06:55

Well, I think Pandora bracelets are overpriced tat, so I wouldn't worry on that score.

What type of things have you managed to get for previous birthdays?

Could you not just go out for a meal together? Then there is nothing 'physical' to be compared.

Bluntness100 · 29/03/2019 06:56

Could you buy her some charms for th bracelet, something to remember her 16th by? And return the other bracelet?

uknownothingjonsnow · 29/03/2019 06:59

Buy her a charm to go on her bracelet. There are plenty of jewellers selling the real thing on EBay slightly cheaper than the pandora shop

CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/03/2019 07:04

Ah! I wouldn't worry too much, OP. Pandora is so unlike normal jewellery the two aren't really ever in competition.

My cousin did much the same for her DD. Everyone chipped in, expensive Pandora item bought. Come the day and the birthday girl was delighted.

Except she wasn't. She pretty much loathes the bloody thing. Fortunately, being smart and warm hearted, she has decided that as it cost so much money she will 'keep it for best' and only relly wears it to family occasions, when those who chipped in will be sure to see it... and yes, she knows she will be bought additional shiny sparkles to put on it, by people who see her daily and can plainly see she doesn't wear shiny sparkles!

LadyGAgain · 29/03/2019 07:06

Buy her a special charm from you both for the pandora bracelet.

GreatDuckCookery · 29/03/2019 07:07

I don’t understand why you’re angry. Is there a huge back story here?

sackrifice · 29/03/2019 07:09

Why are you not included in the 'chipping in'?

That is what this is really about isn't it?