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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset by family’s birthday present...

70 replies

Stripesareus · 29/03/2019 06:18

I am fairly sure IABU but just feeling so upset. It is my step daughters 16th Birthday in a couple of weeks. Discovered last night that my husbands family have all chipped in to buy her an expensive Pandora charm bracelet which she will love but I’m not sure how we can compete with that? Have bought her a few bits and pieces including a nice bracelet which will just look crap compared to the Pandora one. Realise my feelings are about our own inadequacies as parents being able to buy our daughter something special when it shouldn’t matter and it should be about her but just feeling so angry and upset. Please tell me something to make me feel better.

OP posts:

thedisorganisedmum · 29/03/2019 08:33

You all sound really nice - you care, and the family tried to get something decent together.

I would be delighted if someone was so thoughtful for my own kid - might return the bracelet to get something a bit different, like the 16 presents.

GottenGottenGotten · 29/03/2019 08:41

The only people I know that have Pandora bracelets are over the age of 35. And I think it's also a bit late to be coming to the party now - they are a bit of a fad that is coming to the end imo.

I think you can get something that your SD will appreciate much more Tbh!

k1233 · 29/03/2019 08:44

I wouldn't return your bracelet. I don't think cost has a bearing on longevity or the meaning of the gift to the recipient. I still wear, and love, necklaces I was given as a child. Today I was wearing a locket i was given when I was 14/15 - that's 31 years ago! I have a charm bracelet that I don't wear. Each charm has meaning, but it's not really work wear. A lovely, classic piece of jewellery in a good sterling silver or gold (one of my childhood necklaces is actually bronze I think) will last and be treasured in later years for the memories it brings.

Hollowvictory · 29/03/2019 08:48

Pandora bracelets are about £100 plus charms. It's a nice gift from a group. Young people where we live do wear pandora my kids have the bracelets. Could you check whether they've bought any charms gor it and if not you could get her a charm?

SMaCM · 29/03/2019 08:50

My DD has a Pandora bracelet, but wears another one for every day use and the pandora one for special occasions.

NotSorry · 29/03/2019 08:50

My in-laws place a much higher value on monetary value than I do and we are limited in what we can afford so probably bothered about getting judged by them on the presents we give DSD

If they are judging you then it says more about them than it does about you

I've been the step-mother on the other side of this with the mother complaining that we are trying to outdo her - we're really not, we just happen to be at a stage where we can afford more - no reflection or judgement on her at all

diddl · 29/03/2019 08:55

What's the bracelet like that you have bought her?

It might be a style that she prefers?

Wheresthebeach · 29/03/2019 09:05

Hey OP - I get how you feel. DH's ex is always extravagant. Louis Vuitton handbag for 16 birthday present, a car for 18th. It takes a bit of getting use to/over tbh because it's hard not to feel that your present looks a bit sad in comparison. But you have to get over it or you'll be miserable. We've made birthdays more about being together, did our 'own thing' as it were. It works really well and just give no head space to what others are doing.

I love the 16 presents idea/make it special in your way. My 25 yr old SD still gets exciting texting me about which type of cupcake I'm going to bake for her!

Lobsterquadrille2 · 29/03/2019 09:14

Hi OP, sorry that this has got to you. Someone bought my DD a Pandora bracelet, possibly for her 16th. She'd never expressed a desire for one and it was a lovely thought but I think it fell into the "buying what someone thinks you will want" rather than what you actually want.

I asked her what she wanted for her 21st last year and her list read: film for her camera, socks, hair bobbles and toothpaste. She's very practical and doesn't like unnecessary expenditure. I added a few more things and she said her best present was the jumbo pack of Dettol antiseptic wipes I'd included.

It really isn't about how much you spend. You sound like a lovely stepmother.

AnnaMagnani · 29/03/2019 09:14

On the positive side, she is now doomed to only get Pandora charms from that side of the family for every birthday from now until the end of time. They have bought her a millstone.

Where as you are buying unique personalised and thoughtful gifts.

GreatDuckCookery · 29/03/2019 09:26

My in-laws place a much higher value on monetary value than I do

Do they have more money than you? It’s hardly right that they would buy their GD something of little value if they can afford to splash out. You’re being unrealistic and quite unfair to let this anger you.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 29/03/2019 09:31

Love the Pandora snobery.

CielBleuEtNuages · 29/03/2019 09:39

Further to the 16 presents idea. My mum did similar for my 21st.

21 presents with each one representing a year of my life, e.g. earrings for the year I got my ears pierced, passport holder for the first year I went abroad, rubber duck for when I was a baby, a pen for starting school etc.

She did a lovely laminated list with all the meanings behind it and some memories.

An absolutely priceless present.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 29/03/2019 09:39

my husbands family have all chipped in

TBH 10 people chipping in 10/20/30 quid is quite obviously going to create a bigger purchase model - a collective family present is going to be bigger than a 'couples' present.

I do think its a shame the wider family didnt say to the parents "Do you want to come in with us on this" , which I think is what the OP is really about.

My in-laws place a much higher value on monetary value than I do TBH spendability tends to relate to income. If they earned in excess of 100K there would be a thousand comments about 'a measly Pandora', if their income is 10K there would be a swathe of comments about how lovely and thoughtful it is.

MzHz · 29/03/2019 09:47

I agree with many here, if you liked the bracelet you got her and thought it was “her”, then stick with it! As others have said, every Christmas, birthday etc etc it’s charms charms charms, YOU will be the only one who’s THINKING about SD and what she might like. The pandora thing will fade, but a nice classic bracelet will endure.

She’s lucky to have a step mum who is so close to her to be worrying about her and about this.

If her family judge you for not being loaded, they don’t know they’re born! you could be a complete bitch to her etc etc and there would be fuck all they could do about it.

You sound lovely.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/03/2019 09:47

Love the Pandora snobery. I have always hated it.

Firstly because whilst it didn't originate the big holed bead it has been very quick and prolific in sending out cease and desist letters to many lampworkers.

Secondly because their beads are now of very poor design quality, smothered in that other weird craze Swarovski, and are made cheaply in Thailand.

Thirdly, people seem to pay more for Pandora junk than they do the original Trollbeads. I know the names are partly resposnible but surely, once it is pointed out you'd swap to Trollbeads?

sandgrown · 29/03/2019 10:25

@Sunshinecake they are Burgon and Ball mini snips. I think they came from.Amazon . They are so useful

SunshineCake · 29/03/2019 11:44

Thank you very much @sandgrown.

Zoflorabore · 29/03/2019 11:57

Sorry but I'm laughing at the pp who said her dd's best birthday present was a packet of jumbo Dettol wipes

Sounds like something I would say......

EKGEMS · 29/03/2019 12:33

I'm currently wearing a pandora bracelet so I'm biased but if you buy the charms for birthdays or Christmas it isn't terribly costly as it's a group gift

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