To worry about how my friend holds my baby?

[Millopiva]

I can’t work out if I’m being an oversentive new parent or have fair concerns so would appreciate the feedback here! Thanks, please be gentle!
I have a 14 week old and my friend has a 20 month old. When she asks (quite forcefully) to hold my son, I let her, but then she insists on her son sitting on her lap at the same time. I feel like she doesn’t have full control of my LO when she is holding both, especially as my son isn’t quite holding his head up properly yet. She also has no control over what her son does to my baby when he is on her lap too.
Nothing awful has happened, but I can’t help feel really nervous about it, and I now dread her asking to hold him because she does it every time. I feel like she might be trying to prove some sort of point?
Do I need to chill out or are my feelings fair?

Thank you!!

Is it an option to say '[her DC], can I have a cuddle while mummy holds [your DC]?' - are you close enough to her child for that not to be weird?

Tbh you probably are being precious - almost certainly nothing bad will happen and as I'm sure people will point out lots of newborns live in the same house as 20 month olds and are left briefly unsupervised with them - but you have a tiny baby, it makes you feel anxious - just say no (say 'maybe not today, he's been a bit grouchy' or whatever). Her need to hold your child is not that important that it's worth stressing you out.

She is totally out of line. You're not being precious

X post with New opposite opinion

Personally if I asked to hold a friends baby, I’d not keep my own toddler too. Toddlers are inquisitive things (I know I’ve had one and at the same time as a baby) and as much as you need to be sensitive to the toddlers need to greet the baby, I’ve never been one to let kids put their hands all over any baby, not just my own. Maybe say next time, “don’t worry, you have your hands full at the moment, maybe later ones XYZ is more settled”.

i have a 20 month old and I wouldn’t chose to hold a baby and have my DD on my lap at the same time. My DD will often want to sit with me if I’m holding a baby and I’ll let her sit next to me but as soon as my DD wants to be on my lap I’ll pass the baby back.
Also it’s your baby so even if everyone on this thread said you need to chill out then you should trust your own feelings.
I think you’ll need to decide whether you start making excuses why she can’t hold your baby or tackle it a bit more head on.
It’s easy to forget when people have a more robust toddler what having a small baby is like

You probably are being a bit precious, but it's your new baby and your choice.
If she asks and you don't want to, you can straight out say no, you can always say he's having an unsettled day, or seems to be coming down with something. If you'd rather say yes, you can always say 'sure, I'll hold [her son's name]' and leave it there.

I don’t know if it’s unreasonable, too hard to tell from your description, I thinks it’s something you need to actually see in order to judge.

I will say that most parents with more than one child manage, quite successfully to have an older baby on their lap together with a newborn/younger baby. It’s definitely not an either/or situation. Can’t figure out if that’s your issue, thinking it must be either/or OR whether it’s the actual way she holds a 3/4month old that’s bothering you?

I would stop hanging out with this friend for a while....
Or say no he’s asleep/just been Fed. Or just no he’s ok thanks...

I once had someone come round unannounced when DD2 was about a week old they insisted on picking her up and feeding her a bottle. I tried to intervene and DD needed to be held in a certain way with the bottle but no, she wouldn’t listen. DD proceeded to projectile vomit all over ‘friend’ the entire bottle, soaking her down to her underwear. Never seen someone leave so fast.

You get to be as precious with your baby as you want to be. Just tell her it’s one kid at a time.

Your baby, your rules.

Why the fuck are you letting not upsetting a friend override your being comfortable that your tiny baby is safe?

Like you said, neck support, unpredictable toddlers, this isn't something you want to look back on and say "I wish I'd said something, I wasn't comfortable with it at the time".

Just say "you can hold the baby but not at the same time as toddler" - that's all you need to say! If she has a problem with it.. well... Surely you value your baby's safety over not offending a friend?

Think of it as a good test / practice for the future... You're going to be faced with the same dilemma for years to come in a variety of ways.

Better get yourself used to it now.

Thank you so much for your thoughts! I think my worry is if my baby does something unpredictable, like flinging himself forwards or backwards (as they do!) she wouldn’t be able to react quickly/at all. She doesn’t have another baby, so she isn’t used to having two at a time. Just makes me feel nervous. I am overprotective, but that’s my job for now!

Also, PookieDo, cannot believe that happened!? What!!? That’s terrible Aren’t people strange sometimes.

When you have a 20 month old and a small baby, you'll look back at this post and laugh at yourself!

Agree with above post,

Your baby is only 14 weeks old. You can be as precious as you want about him - he is tiny, vulnerable, and you are connected deeply to him - he was inside you 14 weeks ago. Just say no. Your friend will understand - or if she doesn't she should.

She can ask as forcefully as she likes, doesn't mean you have to let her. I'd refuse purely based on her rude way of asking (telling) you.

No way I would have let anyone hold my baby and a toddler in their lap at the same time. I think you can try to take her child from her lap by offering to play with him, distraction whatever but I would be more inclined to say you feel nervous about it and you would prefer to keep your baby on your own lap.

Thanks everyone, this has helped a lot. I will try and get the courage to tell her it makes me feel uncomfortable for her to have them both, she will think I’m silly but oh well. The distraction of hers is a good idea.
It is like she seeks to do it and calls her son over- not sure what that’s about but when it arises again I’ll at least have a bit of a prepared reaction.

And yes, when I have another baby, I don’t doubt I will have to juggle them a bit, but at least they will be mine to juggle!!

I agree with mondaylisasmiles: “Your baby, your rules.”

I’m usually very blasé about things like this, but when babies are that little and you’re so new to parenthood I think most things go. You’re allowed to be protective! You will get calmer about it as they grow.

Just tell her no, not with toddler. Or just no! I got very good at not letting people treat dd as a doll eventually. Quite empowering!

You are not being precious. She is being cavalier. Speak up all you wish. Your baby, your rules, 100% of the time.

I'm cringing reading this because I did this just the other week- picked my 2 week old niece up while my 15 month old clambered on and off my knee.

If you're reading this SIL, I'm sorry .

I don’t think most first time parents really appreciate how resilient babies are until they have a toddler and a baby. They are designed to be pretty unbreakable with toddlers in mind really.

I also never realised how positive toddlers were for babies development until I was in that situation and also saw it with friends. You can try and teach a baby something for hours/days/weeks/months. Painful stuff. They will generally get it very quickly by copying a toddler though. They are fascinated with older ‘little people’. I will always remember mine would constantly track any toddler in the room with their eyes even before being able to independently move. Stuff mum or dad moving about, it was the other little person in the room that had their eyes glued. I saw it with others babies also and now as an oldie still see it with people with babies when toddler siblings or visitors are around.

Yes, but that doesn’t mean you can take another’s woman first baby and use it as a doll with a toddler around when you yourself have only a single kid and don’t know how to manage 2 at the same time.