To be fed up of being pressured to involve the step nan?

[pansydansy]

I've name changed because this is very outing and I'm not sure if she uses mn.

So I have 2 dc ages 2 and 6

They have my parents, and dh parents split when he was young and they've both re married.
So there's 4 biological grandparent and 2 step grandparents.

Dh doesn't like his stepmum. Won't even acknowledge her as stepmum and just tolerates her for his father. She married his dad when he was 5 and wouldn't even allow him to the wedding because it was "her day"

She also accused him of hitting her children that she had with fil and always singled him out when he was young. Fil had to pay maintenance to mil being this woman's back because she resented him.

Anyway fast forward..we now have 2 DD's. When dd1 was born she instantly called herself nanny without asking first and has been known as nanny ever since. My mum is nona mil is grandmother.

Yesterday i got a text from fil asking me to not forget that it's Mother's Day Sunday and nanny is expecting something from the girls. (He does this often. For her birthday he wants a video of the girls singing happy birthday to her and for me to post it on fb and tag her) now I find this irritating. I don't do this for my children's biological grandparents so why am I going to make her feel special by sharing it on fb for my own dm and mil to see it. Oh I know..because she wants her friends to see it and feel all high and mighty!

I don't mind this woman in small doses and I'm not trying to be a bitch I swear I'm not. But why. Why should I spend my own money to buy her something from the girls when I don't dont do this for the others!
I haven't replied to fil text because I'm just seething and don't know what to say without sounding rude. They help us out a bit and have the girls 3 times a month so I don't want to sound shitty but I'm just pissed off.

Aibu? Have I just looked too much into this?

The girls have made some random pictures at school/nursery this week. I think I'll ask the girls to give them to nanny. 1 because I don't want to start something off that I'm going to have to keep up every year and..2 because I don't have enough room on the fridge for them.

If I can't do the same for all 3 then im not going to make 1 an exception just because we need to keep them sweet.

And regards to texting her on the day. I intend to do that anyway.

Why?

pansydansy Thu 28-Mar-19 11:41:55
I must say before this goes any further that's she's brilliant with the girls. But I do wonder how she'll be when her own 3 children have their own kids and they will be her biological grandchildren.

They'll be dropped like hot potatoes, OP.

I think she realises that she messed up with dh and her own children and is trying to make it right through my dc.

Again, FUCK. HER.

@IHateUncleJamie because she lost her mother recently. She doesn't have any siblings so I can't imagine she'll have many messages of condolences on the the day.

yadnbu.

Aside from the fact that she sounds like a raging narc, it's Mothers Day, not Grandparents Day. Any gift or recognition she gets should be from your Dhs generation - i.e her own kids. If she treated her stepson so poorly that he's not interested then that's her own fault.

If this was me I'd ignore - or say, she's not the girl's mother why would I do this?

Not nanny. Nanny Glenda, remember?

She sounds bloody horrible, if I were your DH, seeing her fawn around your DDs would really upset me. :(

By the way - you don't need to keep her sweet. You really don't - you think your FIL is going to sack his son if you start pushing back a bit? No.

Also - be careful, because when one of her DDs has children, I wouldn't be surprised if yours are dropped like hot bricks - if the DDs let her be as involved, of course. Sounds like they've all got the measure of her, but you're seen as a soft touch option to grab some granny points. Ugh.

She doesn't have any siblings so I can't imagine she'll have many messages of condolences on the the day.

She has children of her own though, doesn’t she?

Gosh, you’re much nicer than I would be. [Flowers]

Mind you, entitled parents/ILs with flying monkey spouses are like a red rag to a bull for me so I would automatically rebel against any “Nanny expects this that and the other” cheeky fuckery.

For her birthday he wants a video of the girls singing happy birthday to her and for me to post it on fb and tag her
Get them to do the "squashed tomatoes and stew" version instead.

Ignore the Mother's Day text, he's clearly misunderstood the concept of the day.

Bejaysus Pansy this is hellishly irritating!

Yesterday i got a text from fil asking me to not forget that it's Mother's Day Sunday and nanny is expecting something from the girls. (He does this often. For her birthday he wants a video of the girls singing happy birthday to her and for me to post it on fb and tag her) now I find this irritating. I don't do this for my children's biological grandparents so why am I going to make her feel special by sharing it on fb for my own dm and mil to see it. Oh I know..because she wants her friends to see it and feel all high and mighty!

You need to nip this in the bud, or find yourself knuckling under to even more requests.
One option would be to text back saying exactly what you have spelled out above> Along the lines of "sorry I don't have the time to do that, & as it's not something I'm doing for any of the other g/parents I wouldn't want to make an exception in case anyone's nose gets put out of joint."

FFS. She sounds a right prima donna. Also double standards - she couldn't even 'invite' deliberately excludedher fiance's 5 year old child from her wedding, but now wants documented 'evidence' of her stepgandkids to show off about?!

Sorry Pansy. Hope you are feeling less frustrated & steamrollered. You need to take this bull by the horns.
xx

Your husband works for the family company. fil has been generous financially and his wife babysits on a regular basis, the kids get on with her. At some point would dh have an honest conversation with her regarding his feelings about the past with a view to move on in the future for everybodys sake?

@Hellywelly10 he's pulled her up on things in the past and she's denied it even happen.

When he was six she accused him of pinching his 1 year old sister so she pinched him back. He never did it and swore he didn't. She's also accused him of stealing a ring when he was 15, she threw dh out of her house and went mad, when fil returned from work to the chaos he admitted he had it because he needed the size to have an eternity ring made. She didn't even apologise to dh and just acted as if it didn't happen.

Mil has Tom me that dh was the softest child ever when he was little and doted on his siblings and never would of hurt them.

I think she just didn't like the fact that her husband had a child that wasn't hers and that he favoured dh.

Happened*

Told

She sounds really horrible. Don't do it.

Actually...

I have rethought it. Get DH to send a Mother's Day message, stating some of his fondest recollections of her. Including the wedding.

For a complete shitstorm, post it on Facebook.

How could Fill be happy to watch his son be abused?

My df married without my knowledge, I was about 6/7..
When I visited- about teens (hormonal blip)- she wouldn't let me use a plate for the pasty that df bought me. Was weeks before I was allowed a drink. Blamed sm but df allowed it.
I had dc, she became dgm.
She turned 40 and dumped them!!
Df came into big money.
They moved.
I went nc.
Not heard from either since.
Ime you do your dc a disservice allowing any sort of relationship.

As said, await her bio dgc.

Then shit will hit for sure.
Back away is my advice.

Ok distance yourself then.

@Hellywelly10 We only see them when they collect the kids. We don't live in each other's pockets texting everyday. They live 40 miles away. I don't know how more distant we can be.

They have your DC three times a month - that’s not distant

I mean distance yourself regarding the family conflict. Its not fair for fil to text you all the time asking you to make an effort, its putting you in a difficult position. Its not up to you to smooth over the cracks.

I agree this isn't your responsibility
I don't know the woman but I know others like her.
If she has no one to offer her condolences on Sunday, that is the fruits of her labour, If no one cares enough about her to do that, then it is a reflection of how she treats people

Children are very loyal, and accepting, I suspect she enjoys the unconditional relationship she has with them, this wont last as they start thinking for themselves more, and it wont last when other grandchildren come along she will move away from your 2.
She currently uses your children to show the world that she is loveable and adored and she does it because otherwise nobody would see that about her. BECAUSE IT ISN'T THERE.

Your FIL needs to face 2 things 1) This isn't your job 2) If he really wants this for her then he needs to face his son after everything he let her put him through and ask him to do it.
Take a leaf out of her book and act as if any fuss or fall out hasn't happened if you don't get her anything.

We don't do Mothers/fathers day for the step parents/grandparents. End of. I send flowers to my mum from me, he sends flowers to his mum from him.

Mother's Day isn't for that. It's just another opportunity for her ego to be stroked. Don't allow your children to be this woman's personal performing seals!

She must have hurt your dh with her terrible behaviour.
Please don't include her in anything, she isn't their nan and no blood relative.
Your dh owes her nothing, she has her own kids to spoil her on MD.
Ask fil if he is being serious the way she treated him.
I also blame fil for not sticking up for his son, he's just as bad.

Have just seen she is gm to your children so yes, you should include her.
You really have nothing to complain about tbh. I wouldn't have had anything to do with her but you and dh are happy to let her play gm so you should treat her as such.