To be fed up of being pressured to involve the step nan?

[pansydansy]

I've name changed because this is very outing and I'm not sure if she uses mn.

So I have 2 dc ages 2 and 6

They have my parents, and dh parents split when he was young and they've both re married.
So there's 4 biological grandparent and 2 step grandparents.

Dh doesn't like his stepmum. Won't even acknowledge her as stepmum and just tolerates her for his father. She married his dad when he was 5 and wouldn't even allow him to the wedding because it was "her day"

She also accused him of hitting her children that she had with fil and always singled him out when he was young. Fil had to pay maintenance to mil being this woman's back because she resented him.

Anyway fast forward..we now have 2 DD's. When dd1 was born she instantly called herself nanny without asking first and has been known as nanny ever since. My mum is nona mil is grandmother.

Yesterday i got a text from fil asking me to not forget that it's Mother's Day Sunday and nanny is expecting something from the girls. (He does this often. For her birthday he wants a video of the girls singing happy birthday to her and for me to post it on fb and tag her) now I find this irritating. I don't do this for my children's biological grandparents so why am I going to make her feel special by sharing it on fb for my own dm and mil to see it. Oh I know..because she wants her friends to see it and feel all high and mighty!

I don't mind this woman in small doses and I'm not trying to be a bitch I swear I'm not. But why. Why should I spend my own money to buy her something from the girls when I don't dont do this for the others!
I haven't replied to fil text because I'm just seething and don't know what to say without sounding rude. They help us out a bit and have the girls 3 times a month so I don't want to sound shitty but I'm just pissed off.

Aibu? Have I just looked too much into this?

Yes as pp have advised
The dc will be getting me a card for mother’s day as I am their mum. If you want DH to send a card to your wife for mother’s day, you will need to ask him

YANBU. I would just completely ignore that text. Carry on as you were and ignore this silly woman.

@PennyMordauntsLadyBrain I like fil, he's helped us out loads in the past with money ect. But he's a bit of a wet lettuce when it comes to his wife. She definitely wears the trousers and he just goes along with it. I know why he wants me to do it. So she can post a pic showing her friends what her grandchildren go her for Mother's Day.

Her own children don't like her and two have moved out before they was ready, because she's so controlling.

For her birthday he wants a video of the girls singing happy birthday to her and for me to post it on fb and tag her

Please tell me you’re not doing this. 😳

“Well no, because it’s not “Nanny’s Day”, it’s “Mother’s Day” so the girls won’t be sending cards/gifts to any grandparents”. That should suffice.

I’m gonna stop reading these type of threads on here makes me so angry. Tell her she’s not their Nan will never be their Nan fuck off.

I don't totally agree with everyone else.

I DON'T think you should be doing anything for her for mother's day for all the reasons above, and because you don't want to set a precedent for years to come.

BUT because you say she's brilliant with your DC and because they have ongoing contact with the children which gives you support AND because she's recently lost her mum, I don't think it does any harm to be kind.

It doesn't mean you like her, it doesn't mean you're not supporting your DH. And I understand your irritation.
But perhaps a quick text on Sunday saying you're thinking of her and acknowledging her loss might be a compromise.

Just a thought. I think I'm a lone voice on this one though, so feel free to ignore.

I'm a grandmother. I would not expect anything from my DGC on Mother's Day.

Madness

I would also reply "Mother's Day is DH's responsiblity in this house! I'll tell him you've text x" or something. Then it's up to DH to say he forgot or didn't have time or whatever. Wife-work is just what this is, don't get drawn into it.

FIL might be nice but he knows rightly why his DS dislikes her, and so is trying the path of least resistance- you.

What really pisses me off about all this is that Mothering Sunday has got fuck all to do with mothers and is about the church in which you were baptised/christened. Which, obviously, for most people coincided with going home as people didn't move around so much. (And I say this as an atheist.)

Turning it into Mother's Day is purely about commercialisation. Same goes for Father's Day, etc.

Don't even get me started on going up/down a generation to include grandparents/children. Same as with Valentine's Day - a card from your parent? Really? They are not IN love with you???

So, I'd reply with the girls will do things for me and your partner's children can do something for her, your son for his mum and you for yours.

I'm with the other posters - send back a message simply saying 'Sorry but we've never done this for grandparents on Mother's Day.'

I'm guessing he is worried Mother's Day will be hard for her. I have lost my Mum recently and am frankly dreading it. We didn't even used to make a big deal of it really so no idea why it bothers me so much but it does. From what you have described he may be worried her own children won't do much. Did she go 'all out' for Mother's Day for her Mum so she could say she did?

If he is worried she is grieving then he needs to say not this passive aggressive / patronising 'don't forget'. If you feel then like you should help him and take the high ground then perhaps they could draw her some pictures. She should not need a brought present.

If you all WhatsApp I'd it on there with your DH copied in.

@IHateUncleJamie I did it but sent it to her privately. Believe me if I could of got out of it I would have.

It's complicated because dh works the for the family company. Which is great in some ways because he has a secure job. But in others ways you feel like if you piss them off enough and there's a fallout then he could lose it.

Yesterday i got a text from fil asking me to not forget that it's Mother's Day Sunday and nanny is expecting something from the girls.

WTF? It's Mother's Day; bugger all to do with grandparents whether they're biologically related or not. Suggest you point this out without any other comments.

She's not your mother.

She's not even Dh's mother.

If anyone wants to buy her a present your fil can. Don't worry about it.

Don't even acknowledge the text - don't reply. It doesn't warrant your energy. If your Dh has a difficult relationship with her then do not pander to her in any way, shape or form. That would be totally disrespectful to his feelings and condoning her past behaviour. If she was such a bitch to him growing up I don't even see why he'd want the kids having much to do with her now. From now on let Dh share what he wants (videos of kids, etc) with his father and step mum if he wishes to. Dont let anyone pressure you to send texts/videos/cards. You are old enough to say no or to simply ignore.

When did giving gifts to grandmothers on mother's day become a thing?
To be fair we buy our mums the same gifts we would always buy and just write DC on as well as our names. If their are multiple gifts we might write just “from DC” on one of them.

Text him back

"Bit sexist eh lol? Don't worry I'll ask dh for you".

and then leave it.

But in others ways you feel like if you piss them off enough and there's a fallout then he could lose it.
That is the polar opposite of a secure job.

I'd definitely be starting up with the 'Nanny Glenda' or whatever her name is.

All quite horrid - I think a few well-chosen words to FIL are in order, letting him know that DH hasn't forgotten how she treated him as a child and that frankly she's lucky to get as much consideration with his family as she already does. She's never welcomed DH as a member of the family, so why the fuck does she think he'd want her to play Granny with his own children?

@RedHatsDoNotSuitMe and I get that I really do, but my mum lost her mum this time last year but has never expected anything from the grandkids. She has children of her own that spoil her on these occasions. And so does this woman.

And regards to texting her on the day. I intend to do that anyway. Like I said I don't mind her in small doses but she's extremely overbearing.

Sounds like they have bought you. They have the kids for you and give DH a job.

And in return you have to ignore that they treated DH badly when he was little kid. And if they start treating you DCs badly you’ll maybe have to ignore that too.

I think this is going to drive you crazy. I think you should try and detach.

@TinklyLittleLaugh dh worked for the company way before I'd even met him.

Yeah it’s not granny’s day. There is however a commercial holiday for it Sunday 6th October. Tell him his a few months too early but not to worry you won’t forget

They help us out a bit and have the girls 3 times a month
t's complicated because dh works the for the family company ... in others ways you feel like if you piss them off enough and there's a fallout then he could lose it.

I get why you are upset - I used to get upset with MIL behavior around mother's day. However given the above is it worth pissing them off?

Can you not so some quick easy cards for all GM either signed by kids or some craft session - if they like that kind of thing- the children and possible thrown a quick easy present - just so you don't give this any more headspace?

I don't think you should have to but is not doing so worth the consquences?

I would reply that it's Mother's Day not Grandmother's Day and you're sure that her DC will be making a fuss of her and you wouldn't want to gatecrash their celebration by giving gifts from grandchildren.

I'd remind him that it is mother's day so she should get something from her own daughters.

FWIW I did send my own DGM mother's day cards, but I lived with her from 4 - 14 and adored her. Very different.