To be fed up of being pressured to involve the step nan?

[pansydansy]

I've name changed because this is very outing and I'm not sure if she uses mn.

So I have 2 dc ages 2 and 6

They have my parents, and dh parents split when he was young and they've both re married.
So there's 4 biological grandparent and 2 step grandparents.

Dh doesn't like his stepmum. Won't even acknowledge her as stepmum and just tolerates her for his father. She married his dad when he was 5 and wouldn't even allow him to the wedding because it was "her day"

She also accused him of hitting her children that she had with fil and always singled him out when he was young. Fil had to pay maintenance to mil being this woman's back because she resented him.

Anyway fast forward..we now have 2 DD's. When dd1 was born she instantly called herself nanny without asking first and has been known as nanny ever since. My mum is nona mil is grandmother.

Yesterday i got a text from fil asking me to not forget that it's Mother's Day Sunday and nanny is expecting something from the girls. (He does this often. For her birthday he wants a video of the girls singing happy birthday to her and for me to post it on fb and tag her) now I find this irritating. I don't do this for my children's biological grandparents so why am I going to make her feel special by sharing it on fb for my own dm and mil to see it. Oh I know..because she wants her friends to see it and feel all high and mighty!

I don't mind this woman in small doses and I'm not trying to be a bitch I swear I'm not. But why. Why should I spend my own money to buy her something from the girls when I don't dont do this for the others!
I haven't replied to fil text because I'm just seething and don't know what to say without sounding rude. They help us out a bit and have the girls 3 times a month so I don't want to sound shitty but I'm just pissed off.

Aibu? Have I just looked too much into this?

Reply “she has children of her own to celebrate mother’s day. There is no such thing as grandmothers day. I don’t do it for my or DP mum so won’t be entertaining this. Sorry”

Our family have spent 40 years doing this for a step-parent. This person didn't like us then, they don't like us now, nor have they accepted our children as family members. If we'd have all known in advance that this would be the outcome, we'd have saved all that money on cards and gifts that weren't appreciated, and all those hours spent choosing them.

@bigKiteFlying if it was mil I probably wouldn't get so wound up about it but she's only the stepnan. The stepnan of the children that's come from the boy she disliked growing up. And her kids were so perfect because they went on to university and great jobs in London. While dh got roped into the family business. The business her kids think are beneath them (apart from one of the stepsisters who does the finance side of things)

Sorry I'm ranting now.

OP I agree with redhatsdonotsuit and given all the details you have provided, in your shoes, I will not reply to your FIL's text and will simply get the girls to make a picture or card at home and give that to her. It is "something" and its from the girls.

I know someone like this.

When she married her husband he had two sons (he walked out on his family when the youngest was 6 months to "find himself"). He has always paid minimum maintenance despite having an excellent job as a department head in a school, and a "nice little earner" untaxed income from tutoring, and a third income from being in a band.

Fast forward 10 years - he remarried. His wife hated having the kids to stay - wouldn't let them sleep in the spare room of his (now their) home as they had been used to because she "needed it for guests". The third bedroom was his study and couldn't be disturbed - so the kids slept on the floor and the couch in the living room (and felt really unwanted).

She begrudged every penny he paid towards them. She wouldn't feed them on days out, so their mother had to send sandwiches etc or cash otherwise dad and stepmum would be getting a pub meal, and the lads were sitting with a bag of crisps.

Now both boys are grown up and doing very well for themselves. Suddenly FB is covered with posts about "my amazing sons" etc because one of them has won a prestigious music award at uni, and the other has been offered a bit part (not meant to sound disparaging - he's just starting out as an actor) on a popular crime series. Suddenly because she wants to bathe in their reflected glory she wants to be part of their lives.

It's the same with your MIL - she treated your husband like sh1t, but now wants part of his life (his children) because it suits her. I'd just ignore the messages, and if anything is said reply as you have here - that you don't do it for the real grandparents, so aren't going to for her.

She obviously wants to show all her friends what a wonderful nanny she is, and how much everyone loves her.

Well - if anyone has to ask for gifts, they definitely don't deserve them.

Delete text and ignore.There job done!

Back up here; she has the DC three times a month and is great with them but you grudge maybe posting a card? You sound a bit selfish, it's one day a year, she's good enough to look after your kids but not acknowledge her on Mother's Day; nice 🙄

YANBU.

I would actually ignore the message.

Any response will leave him giving you a dob story of why you should do it.

He can buy a wife on mother's day card for her...as she I'd such a great mum and her own kids can't be bothered with her.

You need to stop pandering to the other requests too. Personally I'd block the both of them.

Tell them I've given up the use of a mobile phone.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I find this werid. It's not grandmother's day, it's mother's day! So the onus is on your husband, it's up to him if he wants to. The only people your children should be gifting to on Mother's day is you! Just text fil saying that, "dh is responsible for his side and that you ve let him know."

It's Mother's Day - not Step Nanny's Day. If you don't send cards to the real Grandmothers, then you shouldn't have to send one to her. It might have been different if she was loving to your DH but she wasn't. Your poor DH - being so actively disliked by her when he was only 5!

@Bookworm4 she doesn't ask to have the girls and doesn't have them to help us out for childcare. Fil texts me and asked if the can have the girls such and such a day. Which works out 3 Saturdays a month. She works 2 days for the company and the other 3 days she's "a lady that lunches"

She lives same distance as mil (but in the other direction) yet mother in law does childcare 3 days a week for us, plus has them once a month to stay. She can't help out with childcare because it's too far apparently so my mother and sister help out the other two days.

She also never has them to sleep over. She wants them 3 saturdays a month so she can take them out and post loads of pics on sm.

I’d be the same, emotionally blackmailed because of the work, childcare and DCs’ relationship with them. It’s a tough call and I wouldn’t want to rock the boat, but I wouldn’t want to be manipulated either. If you ultimately feel obliged to do something rather than ignore, I’d just get the DCs to hand make cards, but not push them to include anything much about Mother’s Day, just a generic Thinking about You kind of thing. If you’ve never done it before you don’t want to start a new tradition now.

I’d certainly be working hard on adding another name to the Nanna title too.

I wouldn't even entertain this woman or the FIL's requests. She can be treated in the manner that she deserves after the way she treated your DH as he was growing up. I's tell them that too. If she wasn't interested in DH, why's she interested in his kids? Fuck her.

@Bookworm4 oh and I acknowledge everyone on Mother's Day with a simply fb post to all wish all mothers/grandmothers a happy Mother's Day.

Mothers day is not GM's day, the end. It is up to your DH to decide whether to send a card or not to his stepmum.

She is a flaming hypocrite.. As a dc your dh didn't exist yet she is allowed to play happy families with your dc..
Fuck
That.

@Bookworm4

I only give mum a mother's day card.
My children don't get one for her. They get one for me.

Your FIL sees you as the soft touch....as he would never in a million years ask his son this.

I'm suprised you allowed your DC to get that close to her tbh. I wouldn't have in those circumstances.

My DC have a step GM. They don't call her anything like a GM.

She's Grandad's wife. DH calls her dad's wife.

If not for me she wouldn't even get a Christmas gift.

Worst thing is him going behind his son's back to you, as he obviously knows your DH dislikes her.

Well worst thing is him allowing his son to be abused by this woman I guess!

I'd tell him to fill his boots and buy present and cards and appropriate them to your children because it's not something you do and won't be starting then smile and if they get put on facebook send a gushing message to fil about what a wonderfully kind and thoughtful husband he is to go to so much trouble for his wife.

Dear FiL
As you are aware, (name) was hardly a good ‘mother’ to dH when he was a child. We could probably go as far to say that she acted as if she hated him and made his life a misery, I think you’ll agree? Consequently he bears no ‘motherly’ thoughts towards her.

We involve her in family events for your sake, but I find it extremely distasteful you would ask me and DH to send a mother’s day gift when she was no mother to DH. She has her own children, suggest you ask them to send her something

Best regards.

I don't believe she would be spiteful to my girls. I think she realises that she messed up with dh and her own children and is trying to make it right through my dc. She loves them to bits, buys them stuff often and takes them nice places.

I just texted dh and told him about the message from fil. His reply was...fuck her 🙈

Your dh rocks!!

Well if you don't need them for childcare - it's fairly easy to ignore the text.

I'm sure you DH can handle any awkwardness at work and there’s a good chance there wouldn't be any - and can point out that all the Gm were treated the same with FB message that how you do Mother’s Day.

It's annoying to be asked - especially given the history but I have to admit I'd be trying to walk back a bit from her anyway. I hated it when my DC felt more like fashion items to relatives than actual people and I'd be worried they'd be hurt and dropped when her children have children.

I think you have to stand by your dh wishes (not literally of course)

I’d think whatever I liked about her and keep on the right side of cool if it were me, but I certainly wouldn’t send a setting you straight message to an employer who also helped us out. Not unless I’d won the lottery.

Saying your piece is all very well until you shoot your own foot