Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be massively pissed off?

87 replies

Fedup198 · 28/03/2019 09:20

My son is 26. He has 2 kids with one ex and another on the way with new gf in a few weeks.

Him and new gf asked could they stay with me for 3 months, various reasons given. On the understanding they save and get their own place. They live for free (buy their own food) he has never had his own place. Him and gf’s always flit between relatives.

They are lazy, don’t clean up after themselves or the kids at weekends, despite my constant telling them to. Think piles of washing up, scum in the bath, mess all over the worktops, plates left everywhere etc.

He has just been sacked from his job, his own fault. They have no savings, despite living here for free. As he has decided to start his own company and spend all savings on that and holidays, weekends away, flash cars which are then repossessed, designer clothes etc.

Their 3 months is up. They have made no effort to save or even look for a place. I’m sick to death of keep ‘nagging’ them about responsibility and priorities etc.

Would I be unreasonable to tell them they have to leave? With a baby due in a few weeks, no credit, no saving etc?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 28/03/2019 16:46

Type out a letter of eviction for them to take to the Council. I'm sure the OP will be allowed to see the dgc again, as soon as DS and df want some help!

Original poster
Fedup198 · 28/03/2019 17:12

Rtmh not seeing the grandchildren again, is exactly what will happen, if I throw them out.

It’s going to be physically impossible to even fit a Moses basket in their room, without moving the single bed, which will mean 2 kids cannot sleep over. I am not moving the single bed to my room.

So making them feel less comfortable is the plan. Asking them to start paying rent too.

Thank you everyone

OP posts:
cstaff · 28/03/2019 17:22

This is a hard call OP. Hope your plan works. Mind you by the sounds of your son it doesn't sound like he has much choice. Hopefully they will get their act together - just don't make it too easy on them.

NitrousOxide · 28/03/2019 17:25

Good luck OP! Tell them they’re paying rent from now until they move out, don’t ask them. And change the wifi password until they start to pay rent and do their bit around the house.

If they start on you again, I’d be tempted to outright call them scroungers to their faces. They have the fucking nerve to see themselves as above people on benefits and yet, unlike the vast majority of benefit claimants, they are the ones acting like scroungers.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/03/2019 17:35

Well good luck with asking them for rent. As if.

OP, your son is TWENTY SIX. Four years off thirty years old.

You still think an appropriate response to this utter car-crash is to take unwashed plates and put them in their room. As if they are 15 year olds.

None of this will change until the both of them are MADE to feel some bloody harsh realities.

Until you throw them out - yes, make them homeless - nothing, nothing will change. So the sooner you do it, and yes, be the bad guy, the better. The bigger a favour you will be doing them.

Your son and this woman will also split, because when you have absolutely no concept of working at something, and compromise, and life being reality not a soap opera, you don't tend to be able to nurture your relationships well, or build your family.

I don't want to be harsh but you have absolutely contributed to making this monster. He's never had a place of his own, he's lived as an overgrown teenager for years. You CAN help stop it however.

Oh and yes they will scream and threaten but it sounds at least as if the ex has a slightly more responsible attitude. When they've calmed down, you can say that you will still facilitate child contact - maybe the children staying with you Saturday night and son and GF coming over for dinner and the evening, until they are properly settled and they can start negiotiating their own access. Fine if they say no - you've offered. They'll soon say yes, after seeing a strop won't make you change your mind.

Give them a week to get down to the council office and go on the list as you are chucking them out. And mean it.

Widowodiw · 28/03/2019 17:37

Well firstly I’d get the preganant girlfirend out and tell her to return to her relatives. They don’t have to come as a package. That way your son may be more inclined to do something if she is not with him. Tell him he can have another x number of weeks as realistically they will need time to sort themselves out ( appreciate they should have done so already). I’m tbat time you will not clean after him or look after his children and if he doesn’t play ball he’s out. Tell him he has a weeek to come up with a plan of how he is going to house himself and his family and you want to see actual actions that he is doing it.

IvanaPee · 28/03/2019 17:40

What if they just don’t pay rent though?

You need to be firm. And I really think in the long run you’ll be doing them a favour. Why would they grow up and be responsible parents when people are enabling them not to?

RandomMess · 28/03/2019 17:42

They won't change, you know that.

I would formally serve them with notice, your DS will have to sell his car or they can go to the council.

He will leach off you forever!

You could still have your DGC for some of the weekend if you wish to see them and give his ex a break.

Original poster
Fedup198 · 28/03/2019 18:23

fizzy I agree I have contributed to this whole situation. I raised him, not sure where I went wrong.

My son didn’t speak to me for years, when his first gf got pregnant and I wouldn’t let her move in. He moved in with her parents and I didn’t see my grandchildren or son ever until he split from his ex!

I never should have agreed to them staying for 3 months. However, I did.

Oh no the ex, still doesn’t talk to me. She doesn’t want me to facilitate contact. Children are not allowed to be here unless my son is here! She is being sensible accidentally!

It’s a massive giant piss take all round, the more I write!

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 28/03/2019 18:28

Where have they stormed off to?

When they’re back, calmly reiterate that they need to leave before their family expands beyond fitting in their one room. And stick to your guns!

It’s not like she has no family to go to. They’re adults. They’re about to have a baby. They need to grow up and fast!

TimeIhadaNameChange · 28/03/2019 18:36

I wouldn't tell them they have to pay rent. They'll agree, eventually (prob in exchange for your room) but you won't get it, and by then there'll be a small baby to consider. It wouldn’t surprise me if you end up dealing with the wean on the middle of the night. And who else is going to pick up all the dirty nappies?

You need to tell them they have a week and a day. You need them out by the end of next Friday. Do not take no for an answer.

Original poster
Fedup198 · 28/03/2019 18:40

I’m not sure where they have gone. Probably to his dad, who will join in with a slagging me off session!

They have to go, it’s just a matter of when.

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 28/03/2019 18:44

Well his dad can take their shit on then.

Original poster
Fedup198 · 28/03/2019 18:49

They wouldn’t dare ask his dad and wife, or her mum and dad to put a single bed and grandchildren in their bedrooms!

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 28/03/2019 18:50

There are two possibilities.

  1. they stay with you and continue to destroy their own lives and yours, probably damaging your grandchildren in the process
  2. you kick them out and there is a slim chance they change their ways. If they do, they will realize that you were doing what was best for them and their children.
IvanaPee · 28/03/2019 18:50

Let them talk shit about you!

As for when, I would insist by the end of next week. I really would.

PoppyFleur · 28/03/2019 18:51

Fedup this is not your fault, your son is an adult, he has made poor life choices and this situation is a result of his poor decision making. You have a disabled child at home, your life is challenging enough.

If your ex-husband is so keen to criticise your efforts to date, he is more than welcome to step in and fill the role that you have been doing so far. Let's see how keen he is to open up his home to your son, his gf, and the 2 grandchildren. I am sure your ex-husband will relish waking early with his grandchildren each weekend and caring for them, seeing as your son can't be bothered.

It's time to put yourself and your disabled son first. Your other son has abused all the kindness you have given him, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

fhjig · 28/03/2019 19:01

Not surprised you've lost it this time. I would have snapped ages ago. You have been more than generous and it's looking like time to stop.

Original poster
Fedup198 · 28/03/2019 19:07

purple option 1, isn’t an option. I do feel bad, I feel terrible. This thread has convinced me, it would not be unreasonable.

poppy thank you, that made me teary Grin having my disabled son, and a caring role, has made me forget that I am allowed to put myself first sometimes!

OP posts:
adulthumanwolf · 28/03/2019 19:35

They might try and make you feel guilty OP, but you're not in the wrong.

They're adults. If you son isn't making money from his "business" he needs to man up and go get an actual job in a call centre or something in order to financially support his children.

I'd have some sympathy if he was working all hours and scrimping but still struggling, but if he's going on holidays and buying flash cars instead of paying rent he's just a daft twat and needs to grow up.

We don't have fancy new things and flash cars because we have to pay our mortgage. That's how it works.

jinglewithbellson · 28/03/2019 21:43

Op I really feel for you.

My ds nearly 21 has been with his gf for a year and within the first six months she was staying here practically every night Shock

It kind of crept up on us. At no point did he ask apart from the first few times,then it was just pretty much every night and weekends

Drive us mad so we got to after Xmas and new year and put our foot down and said enough enough now.

Gf is welcome to stay one night a week and I like to know beginning of the week which night.
We have a busy full household both working full time with two other younger dc and not the biggest house.

Ds was horrendous for a few weeks. Really rude stroppy ignorant etc.

Told him he can like it or move out and that was the end of it. It's settled down now as ds realises we are serious but I know what you mean about the feeling crap even though we know we are right and have been more than fair Hmm

The emotional blackmail is awful and it hurts but you need to put your foot down once and for all now.
It's not normal at 26 to live like it.
It's not normal to expect you to let him live rent free and piss his money away when he has three dc and is meant to be a grown man.

Tell him that. And that his gf is his responsibility not yours and he has a week to find somewhere else for them to set up home before baby comes.

If he wants to slag you off to people let him carry on. I can guarantee all the other relatives are thinking the same as you anyway and anyone else it doesn't matter what they think

RandomMess · 28/03/2019 21:47

Thanks please be kind to yourself you have enough on your plate with your other son.

Xyzzzzz · 28/03/2019 21:53

Op I’m sorry you’re in this situation and being taken advantage of.

He’s 26 and needs to grow up. I can’t believe he’d expect you to have kids in your room with you! Does his gf feel no shame? I’d be embarrassed though be in that situation.

His only option is council housing and once he finds a job he’ll have save and learn the hard way. I guess you’ll have to be cruel to be kind! 😕

Singlenotsingle · 28/03/2019 22:26

Next thing he'll be asking house to move out so that the family have got more space! Confused
Biscuit to the son

Singlenotsingle · 28/03/2019 22:26

You