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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be massively pissed off?

87 replies

Fedup198 · 28/03/2019 09:20

My son is 26. He has 2 kids with one ex and another on the way with new gf in a few weeks.

Him and new gf asked could they stay with me for 3 months, various reasons given. On the understanding they save and get their own place. They live for free (buy their own food) he has never had his own place. Him and gf’s always flit between relatives.

They are lazy, don’t clean up after themselves or the kids at weekends, despite my constant telling them to. Think piles of washing up, scum in the bath, mess all over the worktops, plates left everywhere etc.

He has just been sacked from his job, his own fault. They have no savings, despite living here for free. As he has decided to start his own company and spend all savings on that and holidays, weekends away, flash cars which are then repossessed, designer clothes etc.

Their 3 months is up. They have made no effort to save or even look for a place. I’m sick to death of keep ‘nagging’ them about responsibility and priorities etc.

Would I be unreasonable to tell them they have to leave? With a baby due in a few weeks, no credit, no saving etc?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedup198 · 28/03/2019 13:37

Morgan no they suggested I move the single bed into my room and have 2 grandchildren sleep in it, 3 days a week!

OP posts:
Atalune · 28/03/2019 13:39

Chuck them out for everyone’s sake!

Ratbagcatbag · 28/03/2019 13:40

They're making themselves homeless. You're sticking to what you said.
They will never learn if you back down. And yes there will be threats of you not seeing grandchildren or anything they can to get you to back down, I agree with a previous poster, give them a letter stating that they have two weeks and then you will be removing their things/changing locks etc.

morewashingtodooo · 28/03/2019 13:44

Consequences is what they haven't had. Moaning and talking to them doesn't work, it does for some and others it doesn't.
You need to evict them and keep remember why. Don't be emotionally blackmailed.
When they get them selves sorted, which they will have to and if it's hard that's their consequence in time you can be grandparents again. But I'm guessing that they won't be so forgiving towards you for kicking them out even though they have caused it and this is probably the reason your having such a hard time and frustrated.

Original poster
Fedup198 · 28/03/2019 13:45

I don’t even know, would they be entitled to council accommodation? Neither of them have ever claimed benefits? He has his own business, well the name of a business, but no work or clients

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 28/03/2019 13:49

You have to do something before she has the new baby. It'll be a nightmare after that. I think it's much better if you do kick them out as they will have to be helped by the council then. They are treating you really badly but you shouldn't keep on taking it.

ajandjjmum · 28/03/2019 13:49

You will be doing them a favour longterm by sticking to your guns.

Original poster
Fedup198 · 28/03/2019 14:01

I feel bad for a number of reasons, none of which are my fault! But feel bad nonetheless!

Grandchildren are only to allowed to stay at my house. When he split from ex, she wouldn’t allow access. Now they can stay but only here. Ex didn’t want children staying with every Tom, Dick and Harry or people she didn’t know ie new gf relatives.

Plus new gf could give birth any day now.

The arrangement was they would have found a place by now and be living there.

My actions are going to impact on my grandchildren, even though it’s not my fault as such. Well, it is my fault for agreeing to it in the first place!

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 28/03/2019 14:04

You need to make a choice OP. Either you carry on as you are or you change something. Which do you want to do.

user1480880826 · 28/03/2019 14:09

They send the kids into you in the morning so they can stay in bed?! That’s outrageous (not to mention all of the other things they do). Your son sounds like a total waste of space. Why is he having more children? I just don’t understand why people who can’t even look after themselves bring children into their lives. Poor kids.

Kick them out. They’re not your responsibility.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/03/2019 14:15

Stop bitching and moaning if you aren't going to take action. All you're doing is enabling them. Tell them they are out by Friday at 5pm and STICK TO IT.

purplepears · 28/03/2019 14:20

Once the new baby is born you will never be rid of them.
They need to go. I know it's hard for you but you cannot carry on like this.
Does DS's girlfriend have parents? Time to go there.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/03/2019 14:23

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable, they are total CFs!

When they come back from storming up, don't back down. Tell them to act like adults instead of sponging off everyone else. Good luck!

Hidingtonothing · 28/03/2019 14:35

I can understand how you feel OP, I would have all the same worries/guilt/sense of responsibility as you in your position and I get that it's not as easy as 'kick em out'. The only other solution would be bloody hard though because it would require you to pretty much have a personality transplant and become demanding and bossy and police their every move.

It might work though, making strict rules about housework, behaviour, parenting of DGC etc and rigidly making them stick to them (or they really do have to leave) would either mean they're forced to change or it will just make it unbearable for them to stay and they will have to get their act together and get their own place. Bloody hard work for you though having to essentially force them to adult but it's the only way forward I can see other than put up and shut up or kick them out. Don't think there's an easy option here, sorry OP Sad

fleshmarketclose · 28/03/2019 14:37

Out of interest then OP if he has no work and doesn't claim benefits how is he expecting to be able to feed himself and his girlfriend and his two children and put nappies on the new baby's bum and food in its belly? I s he expecting you to fund them as well as house them and clean up after them and look after his children?

JustTwoMoreSecs · 28/03/2019 14:38

They need to go to the council today and ask for somewhere to live! As you said, the baby could arrive anyday, it won’t be easier then...

AllMYSmellySocks · 28/03/2019 14:39

I'd be willing to help them get a place of their own (mainly to get them the hell out of my place), I'd research benefits, even give them some money to start off for a deposit on the clear understanding there would be no more. They will obviously continue to use you and when the baby arrives you'll be expected to be a third parent.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 28/03/2019 14:56

Your actions aren't going to impact your grandchildren - their actions are!

I understand you feel bad however this is all on them.

Original poster
Fedup198 · 28/03/2019 15:01

aqua stop bitching and moaning, thanks for that!! I thought I was explaining the situation and saying I’m finding it difficult!

Throwing a pregnant woman out isn’t easy! But yes I’ve got the message! It wouldn’t be unreasonable!

OP posts:
ALannisterInDebt · 28/03/2019 15:10

He is having a third child, doesn't have a home and is jobless? He's in this shit position because he has no sense of responsibility, doesn't respect you or your home, get them out.

Doesn't she have family she can go to?

Original poster
Fedup198 · 28/03/2019 15:13

flesh he is saying he will have work soon. I don’t know how much in savings they actually have. I certainly can not afford to feed them etc.

Aiimy I don’t have the money. I’m far from well off. My other son and I survive on carers allowance and I work a few hours to get by.

How much notice do you think? 2 weeks for them to sort themselves out?

OP posts:
outpinked · 28/03/2019 15:19

He has no sense of responsibility and neither of them have any remote respect for you. I would never stay in another persons home and make a mess. They are seriously behaving like entitled teenagers, not people in their mid twenties who are about to become parents!

You need to stop enabling both of them. I know it’s enormously difficult with the grandchildren to consider but this will never improve. He needs to stand on his own two feet and stop expecting you to pick up the pieces whenever he makes a bad decision (which seems to be a lot of the time...)

Give them a date you want them out by and be strong. You won’t be making them homeless, they have done that to themselves.

Original poster
Fedup198 · 28/03/2019 15:22

For those asking about her family, they have already stayed there.

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 28/03/2019 15:36

I'm afraid they just might not go, or he will threaten you with never seeing the grandchildren again.

Can you make it uncomfortable with them? In the same way you didn't put up with having the little one sent to you and brought him or her back, try taking dirty dishes directly to them and putting them on their laps and saying "clean up your shit"? Stand in front of the TV or turn off the WiFi etc until he gets the point?

Any dirty clothes found outside their room I'd be tossing outside in the wet garden. If he doesn't care about his clothes, why should you? Put locks on the pantry. Make it uncomfortable enough that they either change or move?

wednesday32 · 28/03/2019 15:50

Wow they certainly know how to pull at your heart strings and take advantage. As long as they have you to pick up the pieces then he has no real incentive to get off his arse and find a job and suitable home. You need to put your foot down and say the agreement was 3 months and you would be sorted so off you go. If they are refusing to apply to the council for help then they can''t be that bothered about not having a place to go. Why are they bringing a child into an environment where they are not settled. it;s only going to get harder.