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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I mad to stay

74 replies

madtostay · 27/03/2019 11:34

Boyfriend of nearly a year . Funny, kind, thoughtful and generous when we are together. Can blow hot and cold regarding contact in that I don’t see him too often even though he has no responsibilities other than to himself, neither do I and we live nearby. He has husband own place. I rent a flat with a flatshare .So I see him weekly or twice weekly at his place. Little or no privacy as he shares his house also . My problem is that he doesn’t like sex. I can deal that most of the time. It can get frustrating but we do like to be intimate in different ways. This bloke is truthful about this but I am only 26 and he is a bit older. He sees a future . He has not investigated any medical or other issue about his dislike/ disinterest of sex and will not be doing that. I have suggested therapy and doctor. He nods and smiles at me but has not done anything to investigate this . He is happy with us and our relationship. I have told him I am
Happy too but I am thinking, what about the future? Any mumsnetter have any experiences and did it get better, resolve or get worse . Please tell me .. am I mad to stay?

OP posts:
Original poster
madtostay · 27/03/2019 11:35
  • has his own place !
OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 27/03/2019 11:37

No one can answer that but you. For some people no sex isn't a deal breaker, for some people it is.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/03/2019 11:38

I very much doubt it will get better if he can't be bothered to do anything about it.

Or is it that he is embarrassed?

Is it a total lack of intimacy or does he have ED issues? How much older is he?

Babooshkar · 27/03/2019 11:41

Sexual compatibility is pretty fundamental to a long term relationship. Sounds like warning bells if he’s not bothered about changing things.

starbrightnight · 27/03/2019 11:44

I would end it now. For me sex is fundamental to an intimate relationship and I think you may feel the same or you wouldn't be asking the question.

FenellaVelour · 27/03/2019 11:44

He may be asexual.
If this isn’t something you can compromise on, I can’t see it working long term to be honest.
And it’s not ideal even with a compromise. Either he will be having sex he doesn’t want or enjoy to keep you happy, or you will be living without sex to keep him happy.
Do you have any intimacy at all, affection etc?

theworldistoosmall · 27/03/2019 11:46

It would be a deal breaker for me.

BlackSatinDancer · 27/03/2019 11:52

When you are really into someone you want to spend lots of time with them in the early days usually. This doesn't sound the case with the two of you. Coupled with no alone time and lack of sex so early on, I would suggest you just aren't suited to each other.

He is just a friend. It's fine to keep him in your life as a friend but you are only 26. You're not happy with the situation now so how much worse will you feel about your life in several years if you stick with him?

Original poster
madtostay · 27/03/2019 11:54

Yes we kiss, we cuddle and we spoon in bed.. not sexually.he is only 5 years older than me
He just does not like it so we do not do it and I said that’s ok from the first time it became a thing. He has never done anything to see about it. I shouldn’t have said ok and that I was ok with it . He keeps me at arms length too. I’m afraid he thinks I’m going to jump on him.

OP posts:
Original poster
madtostay · 27/03/2019 12:03

He is not embarrassed

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FenellaVelour · 27/03/2019 12:06

If he’s asexual, it’s not going to change through therapy. I think you have to make the decision now about whether this is something you want to live with, and if not, end the relationship sooner rather than later.

It’s a shame, but it sounds like you are fundamentally incompatible.

Original poster
madtostay · 27/03/2019 12:08

But he might not be asexual. He might have medical issues? He seems to be grossed out by the physical act of pic or any action down that area of me . What does that sound like?

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FenellaVelour · 27/03/2019 12:12

It could be asexuality, it could be some kind of phobia or trauma, but you need to be able to talk to him about it honestly.
If he’s not bothered by it and won’t explore whether it can be changed, there’s not much hope either way I’m afraid.

SEsofty · 27/03/2019 12:13

Does sound like he’s asexual if he doesn’t even want to try anything in that area.

If it were medical then he would want to do stuff but not be able to do anything about it. Eg he would be able to pleasure you but not the other way round.

If nothing then either he’s asexual or just not attracted to you

You need to accept that you are friends, really close friends but not a relationship in the sense that most people would understand

madcatladyforever · 27/03/2019 12:16

I'm asexual but would still love a happy relationship even if it means having sex occasionally but mostly it's no.
I have pretty much come to the conclusion that another relationship isn't going to happen unless I find someone like myself.
I don't think this relationship is going to work as sex (or not) is all on his terms and your needs don't matter.
If he won't even talk about it then just walk away, at least I am always honest about where I'm coming from and then people can take it or leave it.

BlueSaphire · 27/03/2019 12:19

He might be happy with a no sex relationship, but you are obviously not, and why should you be?
If he has no intention of getting help with his problem, or if he himself doesn't see it as a problem....the ball is in your court.

starbrightnight · 27/03/2019 12:35

Are you sure he's not gay? If he seems to find the female body distasteful which I got the impression from in one of your posts.

MinnieMountain · 27/03/2019 12:43

Whatever he is, if he's happy with the amount of sex in the relationship and you're not you need to leave.

DH and I aren't always 100% compatible but sex is important for both of us. I can't imagine never having sex through choice.

Wallywobbles · 27/03/2019 12:49

Whatever you have now will get less and less.

We are late 40's and sex is easy and comfortable. My DH finds stroking my skin arousing (despite me being very overweight). It's so simple. No tying myself in knots, no boundaries being pushed like I've put up with previously.

Please don't settle for so little at any age. But really does not the idea of 60+ years of so little not make you die inside?

peachgreen · 27/03/2019 12:54

He won't change. If you're not happy with it, don't stay with him. I wouldn't be.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 27/03/2019 12:56

What will happen if you do stay and want children?

Original poster
madtostay · 27/03/2019 13:16

He says he likes breasts but doesn’t touch them . He says he thinks I’m pretty but doesn’t want any sexual relations with me. He is grossed out by the female bits I think .he comments on women’s attractiveness but also on men’s. He does talk about it but doesn’t seek any medical advice and is not open to trying a therapist . He simply hates sex. He would like children. So would I . How could that happen? He can do piv but it’s not satisfying for me as it’s quick and I know he hates it so I don’t want him to do something he doesn’t want . I am afraid I will stray as I am sexual as a woman . But I love him and see a future. Would I get resentful or frustrated . But then I would have a lovely person in my life after years of horrible abusove men , and a baby too perhaps . He gives me hope and security in our relationship, just not sex. Is it realistic that one can live like this for the rest of their lives . He has always told me the truth from the beginning but does keep me at arms length . Like he is afraid of commitment

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BlueSaphire · 27/03/2019 16:43

Sexually you are simply not compatible. If it bothers you now imagine how you will feel in a few years time?

Will you be happy living a life with no sex, if you want children would you be happy adopting or fostering?

If he was willing to get help with his problem that would be a start....but it doesn't sound as if he is
.
Finally, have you actually asked him if he is gay?

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 27/03/2019 16:47

If you can cope with a sexless marriage, which I believe is classed as about 9times a year or less, for the next 50 odd years then fine. I couldn’t but this is your choice.

Original poster
madtostay · 27/03/2019 16:51

The thought of it fills
Me with dread but then I balance it against the type of long term partner he would be and I find it hard to let go . I simply agreed to all of this so i feel there is no turning back. He gives me security and practical
And emotional support . Do wonder if he is gay at times but that’s because of his lack of female body interest not his comments and men so much

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