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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I mad to stay

74 replies

madtostay · 27/03/2019 11:34

Boyfriend of nearly a year . Funny, kind, thoughtful and generous when we are together. Can blow hot and cold regarding contact in that I don’t see him too often even though he has no responsibilities other than to himself, neither do I and we live nearby. He has husband own place. I rent a flat with a flatshare .So I see him weekly or twice weekly at his place. Little or no privacy as he shares his house also . My problem is that he doesn’t like sex. I can deal that most of the time. It can get frustrating but we do like to be intimate in different ways. This bloke is truthful about this but I am only 26 and he is a bit older. He sees a future . He has not investigated any medical or other issue about his dislike/ disinterest of sex and will not be doing that. I have suggested therapy and doctor. He nods and smiles at me but has not done anything to investigate this . He is happy with us and our relationship. I have told him I am
Happy too but I am thinking, what about the future? Any mumsnetter have any experiences and did it get better, resolve or get worse . Please tell me .. am I mad to stay?

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 27/03/2019 16:51

How much does his love and security mean to you? Because you will get frustrated and you will become resentful.

Cherim90 · 27/03/2019 16:58

It's really up to you and whether you can cope with lack of intimacy I know you cuddle etc but some people view sex as important. The hot and coldness is an issue really 😕

Hellenbackagen · 27/03/2019 17:01

My advice is end it now and look for what you want in a relationship.

By definition my marriage was sexless.

It cant last if you are not happy with it. And it's very demoralising.

I spent my best years and felt my most attractive in my late 20's / early 30s and yet wasn't desirable sexually to my husband.
It affects self esteem. And you will end up going one way or another.
Do it now while you can.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 27/03/2019 17:02

I simply agreed to all of this so i feel there is no turning back.

You haven't entered into any kind of contract with him and you haven't got to spend the rest of your life with him simply because you said "ok" months ago to a situation you're now not ok with. You have every right to say "this doesn't work for me" and not feel guilty for changing your mind. If people weren't allowed to change their minds there'd be no divorce.

poglets · 27/03/2019 17:04

If you tell him you are fine with it then remember that you'll have to be fine with it for the duration of the relationship - you can't expect him to change if your thoughts change. Same goes for him.

So, will you be happy with a partner who doesn't really like sex, and be happy to commit your future? That's your answer.

And remember, forever is a long time.

lovemylkids43 · 27/03/2019 17:05

Is he a virgin

Original poster
madtostay · 27/03/2019 17:07

No not a virgin but it’s basic and fast and with conditions

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AfterSchoolWorry · 27/03/2019 17:08

There's no future here.

If he's grossed out by women's bits, but has expressed that he wants children maybe he's gay and is just going through the motions with you in order to start a family at some stage.

I'd get the hell out of that one asap.

Greywalls12 · 27/03/2019 17:10

What conditions?

lovemylkids43 · 27/03/2019 17:12

The question is can you live without sex ? This is something that should come naturally . If there are issues now so early on into the relationship it will be pretty much the same in the future .. does he have a medical condition or a bad past sexual encounter that has caused this .. is it a fear of something ?

There has to be a cause but if he does not want to sort this out .. I would not proceed with the relationship ... more so because your being very supportive to him

Crunchymum · 27/03/2019 17:12

You don't live together? You don't have any real ties? Run for the fucking hills OP.

Michaelbaubles · 27/03/2019 17:13

I can’t think of any amount of loveliness or niceness that could overcome “the thought fills me with dread”.

Dread! Read what you wrote!

You’re not crazy, it sounds bloody awful and you’d end up dead inside. There’s nothing worse than a basically sexless relationship. Nothing. It’s far worse than being single.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 27/03/2019 17:21

It's very early in your relationship to give up on something that you want and he doesn't. You won't be able to fix this, you are simply incompatible. Stay friends if you enjoy each other's company but find your love interest elsewhere.

BlueSaphire · 27/03/2019 17:43

FGS...ask him if he is gay. He may be relieved to tell you he is.

Original poster
madtostay · 27/03/2019 17:58

Here’s the thing. He is sensible but fun, stable and lives a good life. I have had a bad strong of unstable relationships. This bloke is one on a million and I dont want. To let that go either. He is secure in every way apart from sex . I don’t think he is gay although his friends slag him and call him gay bit for fun sometimes . .

OP posts:
Original poster
madtostay · 27/03/2019 17:59

Conditions are it being at night I. The dark, missionary . No noise from me or him . I have often wondered if he has autism or tendencies .

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Michaelbaubles · 27/03/2019 18:13

But he’s not one in a million. Seriously there are plenty of men out there like that, except they will also give you a jolly good rogering when you want one 😂

SqueakyPigs · 27/03/2019 18:27

Tell him you’re not happy, if he doesn’t try to change, then leave.

Greywalls12 · 27/03/2019 18:33

There is absolutely no way I could be with someone who would only have sex in the dark, missionary only and no sound???!
Some definite issues going on there

Loopytiles · 27/03/2019 18:38

He’s not “one in a million” - well, no more than anyone is! - he’s just better than your previous boyfriends. But he has big issues around sex.

Run for the hills. Why have you set your bar for sexual relationships so low?

Wallywobbles · 27/03/2019 19:42

Sweetheart every single person here is telling you this will not work.

A future with this man will have very harsh and hard consequences for you.

Just because he's better than the shots you usually choose doesn't make him a good choice.

He's not going to see a doctor because this is who he is. He's not sick. He just doesn't like sec with girls. Including you.

If he's gay (and that's a big if) he's going to end up sleeping with guys, so that's going to make you feel even more like shit. There's no outcome here where you won't get damaged.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/03/2019 11:54

i feel there is no turning back

There is always an option to turn back! You don't owe him anything. But you owe it to yourself not to get trapped in a miserable marriage. A happy healthy sex life is part of a normal relationship.

Original poster
madtostay · 28/03/2019 13:54

Thank you everyone. I have been off the grid since yesterday but got to read your helpful
Comments . It is hard to look onto the future of course and imagine a fantastic life with him... all fantastic except for the sex. Even if he considered exploring his disinterest and very obvious disgust when it comes to sex , we might be able to work together . Again it is so hard when in every other way possible he is an excellent person . It is typical that I meet a fantastic man with no sex interest versus years of horrible men who are incredible in bed . It has taken us notnths upon months to even get to a level where he is showing genuine interest in this relationship as he really has been doing and continues to do his own
Thing mostly . Still slow, but we were getting there .

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GabriellaMontez · 28/03/2019 13:59

I wouldn't like to live like that.

No kissing either?

Not being desired? Or fulfilled?

It sounds very platonic between you.

Original poster
madtostay · 28/03/2019 14:02

We do kiss. He loves kissing and hugging
. Nothing else though

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