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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I mad to stay

74 replies

madtostay · 27/03/2019 11:34

Boyfriend of nearly a year . Funny, kind, thoughtful and generous when we are together. Can blow hot and cold regarding contact in that I don’t see him too often even though he has no responsibilities other than to himself, neither do I and we live nearby. He has husband own place. I rent a flat with a flatshare .So I see him weekly or twice weekly at his place. Little or no privacy as he shares his house also . My problem is that he doesn’t like sex. I can deal that most of the time. It can get frustrating but we do like to be intimate in different ways. This bloke is truthful about this but I am only 26 and he is a bit older. He sees a future . He has not investigated any medical or other issue about his dislike/ disinterest of sex and will not be doing that. I have suggested therapy and doctor. He nods and smiles at me but has not done anything to investigate this . He is happy with us and our relationship. I have told him I am
Happy too but I am thinking, what about the future? Any mumsnetter have any experiences and did it get better, resolve or get worse . Please tell me .. am I mad to stay?

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 28/03/2019 14:47

Proper rude kissing or an affectionate peck? Sorry for prying questions... Just trying to get my head round this...

Original poster

madtostay · 28/03/2019 14:54

So am I ! Not so much proper rude kissing, more romantic kissing than kissing that would normally lead to more . Thoughtful kind loving kissing but certainly not’ can’t get enough of eachother’ kissing

OP posts:

HazelBite · 28/03/2019 15:06

My first husband did not like sex, we lasted a year!
You are young, move on otherwise you will become very frustrated, lose all your self confidence, and suffer great resentment.
From what you say he doesn't know what he wants, but it is obvious not a sexual relationship with you.
If you want a real intimate relationship in your future look elsewhere.

Bluntness100 · 28/03/2019 15:13

Well he is either gay or asexual. I would suspect the former. Can you live with it either way? That's the question. It's not a typical romantic relarionship you're having, it's a friendship, companionship, a game of pretend if you like.

Your call if I s enough for you.

GabriellaMontez · 28/03/2019 15:18

But would it lead to a boner? Which would suggest he isn't asexual as someone suggested earlier.

My fear would be that there is a reason for all this that he isn't sharing with you. Because it's certainly unusual in a healthy young man.

GirlcalledJack · 28/03/2019 15:31

How would you feel OP if you decided you would settle for no sex as he is ‘so great’ in every other area and 3 years down the line he tells you he is gay and wants a relationship with a man?
Will you feel resentful you have given up a sexual relationship for him?
If you haven’t had DC by then would you feel your time hard run out to have them in another relationship?

Being brutally honest this relationship will not work and you need to make sure you don’t use up all of your fertile years with this man and be unable to have DC in another relationship.

If you decide to go ahead and stay in this relationship at no point is it fair to try and persuade him or nag/whinge/whine that you want the sexual part of the relationship to change. He has been completely honest with you so you either accept that 100% or move on.

Original poster

madtostay · 28/03/2019 17:12

He would get turned on but after a huge amount of time and then it’s only a matter of minutes and maybe a quick piv but he doesn’t do that anymore really . Just no sex. It’s easier all round . I never pressure him. He has been totally honest and I respect that .

OP posts:

SEsofty · 28/03/2019 17:26

It’s actually really simple. He doesn’t fancy you.

He likes you and cares about you and may even love you but as a friend.

If you have sexual needs then you are not going to get them met in your relationship.

You are young and you really shouldn’t compromise a fundamental part of who you are for someone else

Original poster

madtostay · 28/03/2019 17:27

Thanks

OP posts:

LettuceP · 28/03/2019 17:46

I think he's either gay or something really bad has happened to him sexually in the past.

A relationship like this is really going to destroy your self esteem and build frustration and resentment.

I couldn't be in a sexless relationship.

enoughisenough2 · 28/03/2019 18:07

I haven’t had sex with h for a year but I have sex every week.... while waiting to leave am afraid am not going celibate because h is alcoholic and lost interest in sex ....so there you go you will end up straying however your too young for that 26 you’ve still got time to meet someone satisfying x

Home77 · 28/03/2019 18:12

Why would you want to be with someone romantically who was grossed out by your lady bits and only allowed you to have sex in the dark with no noise? he doesn't sound like he wants you to be happy or fulfilled, and may well go off with a gay man.

Which would not be ideal if you had children...

gamerchick · 28/03/2019 18:14

OP my first thought is that he wants babies and is lining you up to breed. But your relationship won't last and he won't care because he got what he wanted.

It sounds like he's gay or has trauma but either way I wouldn't be hanging around. It's up to you though.

I couldn't be with a man who was repulsed by parts of, just no!

gamerchick · 28/03/2019 18:15

*me

Does he like a blow job by any chance?

Original poster

madtostay · 28/03/2019 19:23

No not really . He told
Me that he had no interest as a teenage boy in sex and that worried him because he was different and thinks that is why his first real girlfriend left him

OP posts:

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 28/03/2019 19:50

Ffs, everyone saying "He's gay! He must have had some sort of trauma that put him off sex!" - this man has TOLD the OP what's going on.

He has a very, very low sex drive and has no interest in sex or sexual contact. There's no need to pathologise it - that is the way some people are. He has been upfront with the OP and has no desire to change (and why should he? Asexuality is not an illness).

So, OP - your options are end it, resign yourself to a sexless relationship, or ask him if you can have an open relationship. There's no option where he magically changes and sees a doctor/gets therapy / suddenly starts wanting sex with you.

But are you sure this guy is really right for you? Even if you decide you can tolerate lifelong celibacy, is he really that keen? It sounds like it's taken months of chipping away to even make a tiny niche in his life for yourself. I really think you can do better - better than the areseholes you dated before him, and better than this sweet but wrong for you asexual.

Original poster

madtostay · 28/03/2019 20:02

Thanks

OP posts:

RoboticSealpup · 28/03/2019 20:22

He is grossed out by the female bits I think .he comments on women’s attractiveness but also on men’s.

Wow, a real prince charming!

I simply agreed to all of this so i feel there is no turning back.

You're not engaged, married or even live together. You haven't committed to anything at all.

It has taken us notnths upon months to even get to a level where he is showing genuine interest in this relationship as he really has been doing and continues to do his own thing mostly

I just want to shake you! Why do you have such fucking low standards? You deserve better than this! He's not going to make you happy! Don't you think you deserve to be happy??

Original poster

madtostay · 29/03/2019 09:41

My self esteem has been always low but he filled me with such compliments and kindness. When he is with me, he is full on into the relationship but that’s only once a week or twice to be honest. When he is not, he is great at texting me. Loads of missing me and compliments and can’t wait to see me, but yet doesn’t want to actually meet apart from his scheduled dates with me . I thought it was because he was so nervous about getting into a relationship in case it didn’t work out. He kept saying he wants to take it really slow and has a full life also with hobbies etc. We live nearby so no reason not to hang out in the evenings. I can see from the majority of responses that down the years would very likely be frustrating and I might become resentful . It is hard to see beyond the present of a lovely relationship besides the sex thing. But I am sexual and I miss that heady first few months of continuous sex activity . I sometimes think he likes the idea of having a girlfriend/ partner and always compliments me on my clothes etc and likes the idea of having a girlfriend to bring to family events . But he will literally collect me , enjoy the event, he may stay overnight but straight home the next morning and drips me off home . We need a serious conversation I think

OP posts:

RoboticSealpup · 29/03/2019 09:55

We need a serious conversation I think

I hope it's one where you tell him he's nice and all but he cannot give you what you need from a relationship.

I do actually get the whole "he's not abusive, therefore he's amazing". I've been there. I left an abusive asshole for Mr "Nice enough but not actually that great". It was a major dilemma for me to break up with him because I thought I couldn't do any better, even though we were incompatible in many ways. 🙄 Eight months after I met the love of my life who is now my DH. Nothing feels like a compromise with him, ever. I'm glad I've seen what else is out there, or maybe I wouldn't have appreciated how fantastic he is, but I'm also really glad I didn't waste any more time with someone whose only selling point was that he was "nice enough". Don't settle for that. Go find the real Prince Charming.

Original poster

madtostay · 29/03/2019 12:09

I’m so afraid of losing the nice guy and hooking up with yet another nasty fucker who does a number on me. From all of this though, I can’t see a way forward without the sexual

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 29/03/2019 12:16

This would be a deal-breaker for me and I'm 50!!!!
At 26 you should run.
This won't improve.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 29/03/2019 12:22

Deal breaker for me too. I get frustrated if me and dp only have sex 2-3 times a week, and I only see him 2-3 times a week!

If sex is important to you. You are not going to last. Simples.

septembersunshine · 29/03/2019 13:26

You two are more like brother and sister. Op, who, in a loving relationship, wants to be kept at arms length?

Would he find having sex to make your children repulsive? Or make you use some sort of tool to get his sperm up there? Op, I think there is something very wrong here (why can't he talk about it so you can qt least understand why?) and I think eventually it will break you. I would leave him and take my chances.

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