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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Switching to formula - does the guilt go away?

92 replies

Landofunicorn · 26/03/2019 22:31

Ds has been breastfed for seven weeks.
I have had numerous problems - thrush, mastitis. It has always been painful. No reason found everyone agrees latch looks good no toungue tie.
I feel as though I am starting with another infection tonight.
Dh says I look ill and run down from the feeding and lack of sleep and feels formula would be best for me and also my toddler who has been somewhat ignored for the constant cluster feeding.
In some ways I agree with him. I do feel terrible and I’m miserable and snappy.
However I feel so guilty, almost as if I’m putting my health above babies. I don’t have a problem with ff at all, but I feel that because I have so much milk (it’s not like I’m not making enough) and this is what ds is used to after I initiated breastfeeding, Its not fair to him to switch for my own reasons.

If you were like this, did you persevere and did it get better?
Or did you stop and does the guilt go away? At the moment it feels all consuming.

OP posts:

MillieMoodle · 26/03/2019 23:06

I breastfed DS1 for two weeks and was utterly miserable. I got mastitis and then sepsis so stopped and felt guilty for months afterwards. DS1 is now 8 and I look back to those days and mostly feel sad that I was such a mess for the first few weeks of his life. The fact he was formula fed from 2 weeks doesn't really cross my mind now.

I breastfed DS2 for his first feed and tried a couple of other feeds but I was so worried about getting sepsis again that I couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt a bit rubbish emotionally about it at the time, but because I felt physically well, I enjoyed his first few weeks much, much more. I wouldn't say I felt guilty as I was definitely a better, more attentive mum to him than I was to DS1 at the start.

Seven weeks is amazing, you have done really well and given your baby a great start. If you want to stop breastfeeding, you can. And it's ok. Your baby will be fine. I don't know if you'll feel guilty or not, but if you do, it will get better with time.

I strongly believe that happy mum equals happy baby and if you are struggling it's absolutely ok to make a decision for you, because if it improves your mental and physical health, your baby will benefit too. Wishing you all the best with whatever you decide - you sound like a fab mum

Bambamber · 26/03/2019 23:09

I like the saying 'you can't pour from an empty glass'. Your baby's health won't get worse if formula feed, but your health may improve. Your health isn't any less important.

What about trying combi feeding for a little while to see how you get on?

PinkPupZ · 26/03/2019 23:10

Yes it goes away don't worry!

WaxOnFeckOff · 26/03/2019 23:10

I was in the same boat as you with Ds1. I gave up, I was so ill and in constant agony and was getting no support. He also threw up constantly and I'd had a section after a 36 hour full labour. If I'm honest I still feel guilty as I managed to feed ds2 with no issues. However, Ds1 is almost 19, 6'3 and rarely had a days illness in his life. I can't remember the last time he had a cold but its been years. So, do what you need to do and be happy that you gave him the absolute best start for you both.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 26/03/2019 23:13

I felt no guilt. Just complete and utter relief that I could stop torturing myself by carrying on.
Baby 2 was formula fed from the start.

OhTheRoses · 26/03/2019 23:26

I was ill and felt as you do with the added bonus of a breast abscess and hcps who were insistent ALL women could breastfeed. DS is 24 now. He is healthy intelligent, sociable and strong. I went through hell trying to feed him and then with guilt for years.

He remembers his favourite dinners (the roast beef variety), rockpooling in Cornwall, his first goal, Christmas morning, his first broken heart (over a girl not breast milk). He also remembers his mum screaming from the touchline, watching his first nativity and keeping him company and reading to him through the night in hospital after hd had his broken arm reset.

What he doesn't remember or feel at all upset about is the fact his mum stopped breastfeeding when he was seven weeks old.

KathyS901 · 27/03/2019 00:07

Don't feel guilty! This whole "breast is best" thing is verging on nonsense - widely desputed by health professionals anyway. As long as the baby is fed then it's fine.

Kpo58 · 27/03/2019 00:12

If you're desperate to still bf, have you thought about expressing instead?

UnPocoLoco2 · 27/03/2019 00:18

Oh gosh this brings back so many memories of dd1. As a baby she had absolutely no interest in bf. latching on was a nightmare and painful, and after a day of not feeding she moved onto formula and guess what? She was perfectly fine. She ate well, put on weight, filled her nappies and was generally a very happy baby.
Formula does not turn a baby into an obese ball of flab with a life expectancy of age 3. As long as a baby is fed they will be happy.
When choosing formula just pick whichever is cheapest. They all have to pass strict safety/ nutrition requirements. None is superior to the other.

UnPocoLoco2 · 27/03/2019 00:19

The guilt went away with me when I could see that she was thriving, enjoying each feed and just a happy baby generally

AmbitiousHalibut · 27/03/2019 00:23

I felt horribly guilty at the time but both my children are now healthy, thriving kids and I feel zero guilt. Honest.
Do what you need to do in order to keep everyone fed and happy. I only look back on my breastfeeding weeks with regret that I was so sad and sore and determined to stick it out because I felt I should. Please be kind to yourself.

TheSerenDipitY · 27/03/2019 02:59

no reason to felt any guilt at all, fed is best... breast or bottle as long as the baby is being fed its all good

Ihatehashtags · 27/03/2019 04:38

Your ba y will be fine without breast milk. It’s not an advantage and it’s ckearly not working for you. Start formula today. You might not get another chance to have a baby and do really want this to be your memory of it? It’s not worth the misery

Rowgtfc72 · 27/03/2019 06:00

I breastfed for 6 weeks then found myself at the doctors being the parent of an underweight baby.
Switched to mix feed. Breastfed in morning and last thing at night then formula in between.
By four months she was completely formula fed.
I tried, I hope she got some benefit from it, but she got much more benefit from having a happy unstressed mum.

user1480880826 · 27/03/2019 06:01

Breastfeeding was really tough for me for the first 3 months due to oversupply and a fast let down (and the obvious lack of sleep and feeling trapped) but it got much better.

However, it might never get better for you and you shouldn’t feel guilty about switching. Do what’s best for you and your children.

Might it lessen your guilt if you do a combination of expressed milk and formula?

Ceebs85 · 27/03/2019 06:23

My oldest is 19 months. The guilt doesn't fully go away but I've made peace with it. She is thriving, funny, independent and full of character. Tge fact we couldn't bf doesn't matter one tiny bit.

However you feed your baby they'll still exist on chicken nuggets and spag bol soon enough!

littlebillie · 27/03/2019 06:54

I ended up doing both due to an unexpected illness in the first week and my milk was contaminated. I had a very hungry dc who mixed fed until 6 months. Dc is fine now, it's nice if you can and the first few weeks are the most important.

Being a good parent is about guilt.

maddiemookins16mum · 27/03/2019 06:58

Honestly just feed the baby formula, it’s not poison. Top tip though, it’s only MN where you may be made to feel gulilty about formula feeding, in the real world nobody gives a feck about how you feed your wain (and how will anyone know anyway most of the time).

Sipperskipper · 27/03/2019 07:00

You have nothing to feel guilty about, but I remember feeling the same, after EBF for 6 weeks.

However, after a week of formula feeding I wished I had done so from the start! I was so much happier, more rested, and DD was more content. Her sleep massively improved, and we were able to get into a routine, which was really important for my mental health.

I switched to formula for my own wellbeing - DD was putting on weight really well bf, but it was constant and exhausting. I know that’s often how it is, but I hated it, and was starting to resent motherhood.

We were both much happier with formula, and I started enjoying being a mum. DD is nearly 2 now and is healthy, very happy and still sleeps like a dream!

moomoogalicious · 27/03/2019 07:03

Guilt for what? My 3 were all ff, dc2 and 3 by choice. They're all happy healthy teens and you'd never know who was fed what as a baby amongst their peers.

boomboom1234 · 27/03/2019 07:04

I FF both of mine from their first feed and I have never felt any guilt whatsoever. Only you know what's best for your child just do what you think is best for them and that's it. Forget guilt.

eurochick · 27/03/2019 07:05

I felt very guilty when we switched to mix feeding as expressing was causing me back pain (I was expressing as my prem baby never got the hang of latching). If I had another I'd mix feed from earlier on. The guilt does definitely go. Do what's right for you, but remember it doesn't have to be all or nothing you could continue to do one or two breastfeeds a day if that would make you feel better.

InsuranceGirl · 27/03/2019 07:12

I stopped as my mental health was really suffering and switched to FF.

6 months later I feel guilty sometimes when I'm shamed for buying formula or she's crying for milk and it's taking ages to cool. But I'm more happy and able to function, and remind myself that's important for both of us.

Scottishgirl85 · 27/03/2019 07:16

I had to switch to formula after a few months with both my girls, for different reasons, and the guilt was awful. But I can tell you they are now 1 and 4 and it never even enters my mind!! They are both healthy and very bright. Honestly a few months down the line it literally doesn't matter and you'll have a little chuckle to yourself about why you felt so guilty.

zsazsajuju · 27/03/2019 07:17

Yes, it does. I’m now pretty angry that I was made to feel so guilty about something which was beyond my control and makes no difference.

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