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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When should I worry?

37 replies

WhenToWorry · 26/03/2019 17:33

Hi, I have NC for this.
My boyfriend and I are in our early twenties and are both at universities in nearby cities. We’ve only been together since the summer but it’s been going well and we have quite a few things planned for the future.

However, I’ve gone home for Easter break to complete a placement and I haven’t heard from him since the weekend. We usually talk every day and would see each other 2/3 times through the week and also at weekends during term time. I really don’t think he is ghosting me.

He had been struggling recently, not going to lectures, not completing work etc and has gone through periods of not replying but never for this long (usually a day or so max). In the past he’s said he did so because he was ashamed of not going to uni etc.

I honestly think he’s depressed and I’m worried about him. I’ve messaged and called a few times and left messages asking him just to let me know that he’s okay, that I’m not annoyed or angry, I just care about him. I’ve only sent a couple of messages and have been careful not to bug him.

What should I do next? I don’t know his parents and we aren’t friends on social media, would it be too far to message them? (He doesn’t live with them). Am I naive and I’ve really been ghosted? Or am I being stupid and he’s probably just busy and I should give him some time. I wouldn’t be so worried if it wasn’t so out of character for him/he wasn’t struggling. He’d usually message morning and a few times at night at bare minimum and has only ever ignored me when feeling low, never to manipulate or hurt me.

Am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhenToWorry · 26/03/2019 18:14

Forgot to add, I won’t be seeing him in person for another 3 weeks so it’s not like I can just pop round to his.

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 26/03/2019 18:29

If you really fear the worst, phone the uni and have a welfare check done

Samind · 26/03/2019 18:31

Is there any sign of him on social media? What's app or messenger etc

Original poster
WhenToWorry · 26/03/2019 18:31

Thank you for your reply.
I was thinking he’d probably just be lying in bed not doing a lot and avoiding everyone. I hoped he hadn’t reached that point yet but I’m getting increasingly worried.

I also don’t want to panic people if he’s just ghosting me.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhenToWorry · 26/03/2019 18:34

It’s hard to tell as if he leaves his computer on it can show he is active. He did this once when I was with him and I knew he wasn’t online yet Facebook was showing he was even though he had no phone or anything connected to the internet on him.
Facebook messenger states he was active a few hours ago but that may have been because I attempted to call then and the notifications would pop up on the computer showing he was active, maybe?

He has not been active on any other social media, Snapchat etc..

OP posts:
Flaverings · 26/03/2019 18:37

I’d contact uni too.

Original poster
WhenToWorry · 26/03/2019 18:40

Would you attempt to contact parents first or not? I have met them once but only briefly.

OP posts:
keepingbees · 26/03/2019 18:41

Can you contact the uni and just enquire if he's been seen/attending as you're concerned for him? What about friends or family could you contact any of them to ask if they've heard from him?

SparklyMagpie · 26/03/2019 18:46

Can't be too safe can you. I would contact Uni first and see what they say and then go from there

What a worry x

Banana1979 · 26/03/2019 18:46

Message him and tell him you are going to contact the police in order for them to conduct a welfare check if he does not get back to you by the end of the day
If he is ghosting you he will get back to you sharpish as noone wants the police around and if he doesn't at least the police would have checked on him
If he wants to be left alone he should tell u rather than make you worry

Princessmushroom · 26/03/2019 18:47

Message him and tell him that unless you hear from him to make sure he’s okay you’ll be contacting someone to do a welfare check

Seeline · 26/03/2019 18:47

Does he not have any other friends at uni that you could ask to check on him? Or would one of your friends pop round? Does he live alone?

Original poster
WhenToWorry · 26/03/2019 18:50

He lives with flat mates but I don’t know them other than first names and we are not friends on social media. My friends all study the same course as me and are all on placements around the country, I’m currently over 200 miles away from him.

I suppose I could Facebook search his friends list to message flatmates and if not contact his university tomorrow.

I just didn’t know if I was overreacting as I do tend to be anxious!

OP posts:
Ceebs85 · 26/03/2019 18:54

I'd definitely message a flatmate on Facebook and just ask them to let you know he's OK. I don't think you're overreacting S this is out of character for him.

Runkle · 26/03/2019 18:56

I would reach out to his friends. I'm not sure what the University can do due to GDPR theyre not really permitted to even confirm he's a student there. You might be able to ask the accommdation manager to do a welfare check?

Original poster
WhenToWorry · 26/03/2019 19:23

Managed to get in touch with him.
He’s been lying in bed for days feeling awful apparently. And I’ve managed to convince him to speak to a professional. Still worried but thankful he’s ‘okay’.

Thanks for the great suggestions everyone

OP posts:
fashiondevotee · 26/03/2019 19:52

That doesn't sound good, OP. You should really try and get him to the doctor or a counsellor, or at least let his parents know.

Original poster
WhenToWorry · 26/03/2019 20:05

He promised he’d book an appointment tomorrow but time will tell if he actually goes through with it. It’s so hard being so far away Sad

OP posts:
OnceUponAThread · 26/03/2019 20:27

Personally - I'd message him and say: "hey, I'm really starting to worry about you. Fair enough if you need your space, but just let me know so I can stop panicking. No judgement about attending class or anything, I just need to know you're ok".

If he doesn't reply to that - I'd break up with him. Honestly - because if he can't even spare five seconds to let you know he's alive, he doesn't care about you or your mental well-being.

I wouldn't message parents / uni yet. I'd send a text similar to above and see what happened.

OnceUponAThread · 26/03/2019 20:28

Sorry. Cross post - glad you've heard from him!

Original poster
WhenToWorry · 26/03/2019 21:03

Thanks for our reply. It did make me think.
He said that he didn’t want to speak to anyone, including me. I know he’s feeling low but it just suggests that he doesn’t care about how I’m feeling. I’m not going to break up with him but is this a symptom of the ‘condition’ (I don’t know if he does have depression etc but it’s highly likely) he’s suffering or does it say more about how he really views our relationship?

OP posts:
Ceebs85 · 27/03/2019 07:00

If he's genuinely lying in bed and feeling like shit it's not a reflection on you, he's poorly and needs help but you need to know he's doing what he can to get better and that starts with seeing a professional.

nooddsocksforme · 27/03/2019 07:31

If he is depressed then he won’t want to speak to anyone and it is absolutely no reflection on you . Clinical depression is not like feeling fed up and down . Whatever you decide in the longer term he will benefit from your support just now,
It’s a big responsibility for you to have . As a parent I would absolutely want to know if my child was feeling this way and would see it as my place to step in to try to get the support. Does he have a good relationship with his parents and do you know if they would be supportive to him,.
I understand he is an adult but peo0le who are very depressed sometimes do withdraw and are unable to make good decisions for themselves. They can feel hopeless about there being any way out of the situation. You risk his annoyance if you contact his parents ( and it does depend their relationship with him) but maybe he can’t reach out to them himself because he worries about the mess he’s in and letting them down. Speaking to them might help to relieve the negative cycle he is in .
It’s also ok to ask about suicidal thoughts-it can help people to open up. If you think he is feeling as bad as that you should definately contact someone.

Original poster
WhenToWorry · 27/03/2019 09:34

I’ve asked him in the past about suicidal thoughts and he said he doesn’t feel like that, he just feels numb and nothing at all.

I went through a period as a teenager where I was self harming and thought about suicide but as soon as I got close to attempting it it was like a switch flicked and I realise I didn’t want to die I just wanted to be out of the situation. Mine stemmed from being anxious though and although I didn’t tell my parents or anyone I somehow managed to drag myself out of it, mostly using a buddy system online (can’t remember it’s name). Hindsight suggests that although my situation was hard and I relapsed after a sexual assault when I was 18 and started drinking a lot (which just looked normal as I was in my first year at uni) I was no where near as bad as he is. Which is scary as I know how low I was and I still managed to get to school/sixth form/uni every day and completed all assignments on time (often a week early etc) I think it’s because I was so anxious about failing, whenever it mattered I got my act together quickly.

He does have a good relationship with parents but I think they’re getting annoyed that all he does all day is play video games. They haven’t seen him for months since they’re so far away but contact him every day.

I’m sometimes scared that i caused part of it, like he’s scared to upset me as he knows about my past. I only told him as I felt it would show there’s nothing to be ashamed of. He already knew about the sexual assault as I felt it was important to tell him before our relationship progressed to that level incase I needed to stop etc. I don’t know if the problem is that he worries about me or something. At the same time I think that’s probably inflating my importance in the situation.

I know he needs help and I’ve said his for weeks but he’s really struggling with asking for it. He says he feels better when he’s with me as I get him out and we do things then decides he’s ‘better’ then as soon as the week starts and he’s back at uni he doesn’t go! I’m just hoping he makes an appointment today.

OP posts:
nooddsocksforme · 27/03/2019 10:07

So sorry you’ve had such a difficult time . I think telling him about your past was done in a supportive way and you definately aren’t the cause of any of this . It sounds like you have been a great support to him. You do have to look after yourself tho and not put your own health at risk bearing the responsibility.
I’m glad you have able to discuss suicidal thoughts with him . It’s better when these things are out in the open.
Do continue to encourage him to seek help.
His parents sound caring if they contact him every day. Maybe they don’t understand depression. It can be easy to put it all down to laziness when someone is so lacking in motivation. It’s a vicious circle when he can’t manage uni and then doesn’t go - then probably beats himself up about it all . Your involvement clearly helps him at the time but isn’t breaking the cycle . He needs to talk to a Gp, someone from the uni or his parents. It can be very hard to take this step tho - keep pushing him .
And as I said before - if you are really worried then you may have to break his trust and make the decision to speak to someone else yourself about it. You would be doing that to help him, even if he didn’t see it that way at the beginning.
Have you got anyone you can discuss it with irl .Please take care of yourself too