Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Update on realising my friend is a user and I a willing fool !

95 replies

gingerbeerbeast · 26/03/2019 14:53

Following a thread where I asked whether I was unreasonable for feeling hurt when a friend of mine essentially dumped me when he met his now girlfriend . I got great advice and decided to completely detach myself from being so available to him as a friend as I was then being ghosted when I was surplus to requirements. It hurt me desperately as up
To this point we had very regular and consistent contact .. nothing sinister. Just friendship . So I deliberately did not respond to messaging yesterday and last night and this morning , remained aloof but professional in the office etc and despite it being only day 2 , he is upset looking, following me into my office approximately 5 times today already, looks on edge, nervous and it is really really awkward. I feel good and delighted that I have come to that decision as I really was being used as a filler/ gap rather than being invested in as a friend , as another helpful poster pointed out. So how can I deal with this . It’s getting so uncomfortable . It’s the unspoken situation that is strange. If he asks, should I be honest and say I feel that we have different expectations of our friendship and I feel used or should I continue to be aloof but professional and hope it fades out. Thank you again for all advice and your thoughts are appreciated .

OP posts:

saraclara · 26/03/2019 20:03

You are enjoying his discomfort, OP, which is immature

That.
I have a (genuinely) platonic friendship with someone that includes lots of messaging. It's nice to be important to someone, but I don't kid myself that I'm going to get as much of his time when he gets a girlfriend. I'll be sad, of course, when I don't hear as much from him, but I'll be glad to have what contact we still might have. And it wouldn't occur to me to 'punish' him by ghosting him and acting as if the friendship never existed. Which is what you're doing, and you're enjoying his discomfort.

If you wanted the friendship to continue, you've pretty much ensured that it won't.

Brandnewshit · 26/03/2019 20:04

Well I read it, and you've said you are delighted that he is looking nervous and on edge after you acting aloof.

Original poster

gingerbeerbeast · 26/03/2019 20:07

Enjoying his discomfort? Punishing him? You are so far from the truth, I can only imagine that you have completely
Misunderstood my post overall. Either that or I have explained the whole thing so terribly as to have posters getting it so utterly and completely wrong .

OP posts:

Original poster

gingerbeerbeast · 26/03/2019 20:11

I said, if you read it correctly, that I feel good and am delighted that I came to that decision..... in relation to pulling back from the friendship . First post ..

OP posts:

DonPablo · 26/03/2019 20:12

What does your Dh think you should do?

Original poster

gingerbeerbeast · 26/03/2019 20:13

My husband thinks he is flaky .

OP posts:

Keener · 26/03/2019 20:54

OP, I posted a couple of times on your other thread, and encouraged you to grow some better boundaries, and find fun things to do with your evenings, so you aren’t overly dependent on texting him. I was genuinely pleased you sounded happier.

But I agree with others that you’ve taken a step backwards by being so obviously suddenly cold towards him at work — it takes you back into the terrain of overly intense friendship, and him being puzzled and upset and wanting an explanation etc etc. Just be ordinarily friendly, and reply to his messages if and when you feel like.

PinkGlitter123 · 26/03/2019 21:10

Maybe see it as taking back some control Ginger.
So far it seems like he has directed the terms of your friendship. This is the time now to set healthier boundaries which are about your needs as well as his.

saraclara · 26/03/2019 21:30

I deliberately did not respond to messaging yesterday and last night and this morning , remained aloof but professional in the office etc and despite it being only day 2 , he is upset looking, following me into my office approximately 5 times today already, looks on edge, nervous and it is really really awkward. It’s getting so uncomfortable . It’s the unspoken situation that is strange. If he asks, should I be honest and say I feel that we have different expectations of our friendship and I feel used or should I continue to be aloof but professional and hope it fades out

The unspoken situation is something you've created by sulking, not answering his messages, and freezing him out at work.

You asked for advice. You should go back to being an available friend and treating him normally. And just accepting that his life has changed and he can no longer chat to you as often as he did.
If he asks what's wrong, be generous. Apologise, laugh at yourself and tell him you got a bit out of sorts because you miss him. But you know you were being silly, and you're glad he's happy.

PinkGlitter123 · 26/03/2019 21:35

Why should she treat it as a joke though?
Ginger this has hurt you and I think it needs to be spelt out to him.

Bubbletastic · 26/03/2019 22:39

I do feel for you Ginger, it is horrible to feel that a relationship is one sided. I imagine his girlfriend was not happy with him messaging you so much, I have to admit I wouldn’t be happy about if I was her. Could you not text your husband instead? It might help your relationship, I’m not suggesting that there’s anything wrong but it really isn’t the best thing for a relationship to have one half of a couple spending so much time messaging someone else. It is inevitable that if you spend so much of your time engaging with someone else (male or female) that you will end up with an emotional reliance especially if you’re feeling a bit lonely and bored.

Honeyroar · 26/03/2019 22:51

I think it's good that you've pulled back from the messaging and being at his beck and call, but it does make it a bit strange that you've ignored all of his messages and are acting "aloof but professional" (what does that even mean?? It comes across as though you're ignoring him as much as you can without getting into trouble!). Can't you just reply briefly and politelty once in a while and say that you've loads going on, can't talk or you're busy? Does it need to be so abrupt and obvious?t. And it's quite strange that you're delighted at how you're handling it.

bluegreygreen · 26/03/2019 23:13

Having read both your threads ...

You are investing a degree of emotional energy in this friendship that most people would direct towards their spouse, rather than someone outside their main relationship.

It might be useful to have a think about why this is.

MadameDD · 27/03/2019 10:34

OP - Seen a few of your posts and responses.

I still stand by the fact that this is a bit infantile and a bit inappropriate for a work relationship which has strayed into friendship boundaries.

If you have a friendship with someone at work, great. Totally depends on how this is conducted etc. But I've realised from experience that it's best to be generally 'work based' in relation to these friendships. Otherwise as in this case, boundaries can get blurred, you think you mean more to the other than you really do and if anything were to happen should he/you make a complaint - HR could get involved.

Be normal but civil with him at work and as bluegreygreen says think about why you're investing energy outside of work into this man. Let him get on with his work/relationship etc.

Maybe if you make it a bit more normal and less like a power struggle then you can salvage some sort of a work friendship.

Nickpan · 12/04/2019 09:48

you're cherry picking the replies, OP.

And this is a bit of new info: ".im hurt that he didn’t feel the want to reciprocate and support me when I needed it". Why did you need support, is there something you haven't told us?

MadameDD · 12/04/2019 10:04

Nickpan - it seems that OP is very much cherrypicking the replies, but I also feel it seems like she likes this 'control' and the fact the friend/colleague may have found her attractive and vice versa but both did nothing as she is married.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 12/04/2019 10:12

Your dh is right, he is flaky and o
So think you are being used as a stop gap. Maybe not intentionally, some people are just like that. I have female friends who come and go as their boyfriends do. It’s not nice, especially if you’re the type of person to invest a lot into friendships.

Going forward, simply act as you would do normally with him, as you do with other colleagues. If you feel it’s getting weird or interfering with work then just be honest.

MadameDD · 12/04/2019 10:28

WhoKnewBeefStew

just wanted to comment - isn't that the worst aspect about some people - women and men - who if they're your friend - they come and go as boyfriends do. I absolutely hate this and have ended a few friendships over this as I don't like being treated this way, and yes I do tend to invest a lot into friendships! what's strange though is the last 2 people who treated me this way both of them seemed to think it was a blip one said "I'm in lurve, just give me this time with him then I'll be back with you" and the other it was very on and off but he was the "father of my child" so therefore anything went, including inviting me on holiday and then sacking me off when he decided he wanted to come on holiday instead - it was a family holiday with her DP's.

These were friends though who yes I invested a lot into the friendships but isn't that what you do when you get on very well with someone? We supported each other through a lot.

ScrewyMcScrewup · 12/04/2019 10:42

It sounds like you've built up your friendship with this guy into a big thing in your head, helped by bored MNers on your previous thread, and the poor guy is bewildered at your dramatic change in attitude.

I think you need to grow up and maybe focus a bit more on your relationship with your husband. You know, the one that actually exists.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 12/04/2019 11:07

MadameDD you are right, there’s and everyone reacts and sees friendships in a different way.

OP and her friend obviously have different ways with regards to friendship. As a result the op is hurt by his, what she perceives to be flaky (well me and her dh do anyway) behaviour and has chosen to distance herself . Her friend doesn’t see himself doing something wrong and is prob confused by her behaviour. At this point she can choose to distance herself or explain to him why she’s acting differently. He may not even realise he does it, or he knows and doesn’t care and is happy to carry on

Flip

1 2 3 4