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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Update on realising my friend is a user and I a willing fool !

95 replies

gingerbeerbeast · 26/03/2019 14:53

Following a thread where I asked whether I was unreasonable for feeling hurt when a friend of mine essentially dumped me when he met his now girlfriend . I got great advice and decided to completely detach myself from being so available to him as a friend as I was then being ghosted when I was surplus to requirements. It hurt me desperately as up
To this point we had very regular and consistent contact .. nothing sinister. Just friendship . So I deliberately did not respond to messaging yesterday and last night and this morning , remained aloof but professional in the office etc and despite it being only day 2 , he is upset looking, following me into my office approximately 5 times today already, looks on edge, nervous and it is really really awkward. I feel good and delighted that I have come to that decision as I really was being used as a filler/ gap rather than being invested in as a friend , as another helpful poster pointed out. So how can I deal with this . It’s getting so uncomfortable . It’s the unspoken situation that is strange. If he asks, should I be honest and say I feel that we have different expectations of our friendship and I feel used or should I continue to be aloof but professional and hope it fades out. Thank you again for all advice and your thoughts are appreciated .

OP posts:

BigButtons · 26/03/2019 17:02

Why does it have to be all of nothing?
You can still be his friend just don't give as much of yourself.
This is all very childish.

daisypond · 26/03/2019 17:09

Unless someone has done something deliberately nasty and hurtful, I'm always of the forgive and forget category. Old friends are often worth keeping if you can resurrect friendship that has lapsed.

QueenofallIsee · 26/03/2019 17:13

Good lord ‘willing fool’ is going a bit far OP. You had a mate that you texted with a lot, it’s less now he has less free time. That’s it. The only reason to ‘be aloof’ and behave generally like a wounded lover is because you want him to chase after you and tell you that you are more important than his new GF.
I think you are being dishonest with yourself about your dependency on this man and you should give your head a wobble.

Orangecookie · 26/03/2019 17:17

I feel it’s time to end the intensity of it all as it was becoming such a habit that my evenings , that he was free, were being taken up

This wasn’t a friend type relationship, more like an emotional affair. No wonder he wants distance now he has a GF.

Sh1ttySh1ttybangbang · 26/03/2019 17:23

I agree that you sound like you’re pleased that he’s upset. Which would suggest to me that you have feelings for him.

Me and my friends hardly ever text each other, but there have been many occasions where one of us hasn’t had much going on in our lives and that person will text A LOT. Then when we’re busy with our lives again (new partner or whatever) the texting will die down. Do I get offended and sulk about it? Do I fuck. Do my friends get offended and sulk about it? Absolutely not. We’re all adults who realise we each have other things going on in life, which can cause us to ghost or be ghosted - doesn’t make us think that we were ever being used, that’s just nonsense chat

What does your husband think about the whole situation?

PutyourtoponTrevor · 26/03/2019 18:34

It sounds like you've got a whole lot of growing up to do op. Let this guy go, stop hoping for more and concentrate on your own relationship

MaxNormal · 26/03/2019 18:47

You are sooooo into him.

Original poster

gingerbeerbeast · 26/03/2019 18:48

Thank you for your considered responses. For the personal insults, I ignore. I am emotionally invested in all my relationships with family and friends . I expect mutual respect and reciprocation . I gave too much to a friendship and found myself in a rut of over texting in the evenings. I also found myself in a situation where I was a sounding board and available to the beck and call of every communication. Entirely my fault as I said many times. I recently realised that the friendship had become one sided , me too available and willing to give my free time due to boredom and loneliness in the evenings. However it bacame apparent that he was only interested in this intense texting etc when he has absolutely bored . As a rule, When a friend needs me, I am there. When I need a friend, they are there. He simply was not. He was available as a friend when he had nothing better to do . I thought that no contact might have been doe to his relationship of months and months getting a bit more serious . That’s where the girlfriend aspect of the post came in to play.once again, it is not a new relationship . I simply feel I am in a one sided friendship where my friend has a habit of over texting and over contacting at work when ever I feel the need to do my own thing or when he gets too intense . I wanted advice as to how to deal with it . Some of the vitriol levelled at me today has really shocked me but again, thanks to those who posted thoughtful and considered replies .

OP posts:

SweatyUnderboob · 26/03/2019 18:48

I’ve been in the position of the girlfriend top-up before. I don’t think op is being dramatic, she is having respect for herself and finally exerting some healthy boundaries. It seems that her friend has no problem with his in the past.

I have many low maintenance close friends and that’s great. But other friendships can feel one-sided or unreciprocated and that feeling is the discernalble difference.

It’s not game playing if OP is consistent with it. They could still be friends, just on more even terms.

Rachie1973 · 26/03/2019 19:06

You’re being so odd about this bloke! Your last thread most people advised you were over invested, some said needy, some said reliant on him. People explained less contact from a friend in a new relationship is normal.

One or two mentioned he was a ‘user’ and that’s what you took from it??? Can you not see that he’s following a normal pattern and you’re making a HUGE deal out of it.

Give your head a wobble

BigButtons · 26/03/2019 19:10

You can't blame him if you've given too much though,

PinkGlitter123 · 26/03/2019 19:19

OP I think you are getting a bit of a rough time here.
It's normal to feel how you do, you had a friendship which you enjoyed and which felt equal. Then he met a girlfriend. Yes you expect the relationship to change somewhat but to be cut out do dramatically does hurt.
I am in a similar situation as I mentioned yesterday. Friend was texting me everyday needing support and as soon as he met a girlfriend it stopped. It's not nice to feel like the temporary stopgap.

I do think though that you need to tell him how this has hurt you. Even if you write it all down. I think it will really help you too. Best of luck x

Original poster

gingerbeerbeast · 26/03/2019 19:19

I blame him at all
. I blame myself . If you are bored and lonely and somebody is giving you attention and company on tap , why wouldnt you take it .im hurt that he didn’t feel the want to reciprocate and support me when I needed it

OP posts:

Original poster

gingerbeerbeast · 26/03/2019 19:20

Thanks for the last post also. I meant I dont blame him

OP posts:

Original poster

gingerbeerbeast · 26/03/2019 19:22

That’s what I felt. The temporary stop gap cut off without a thought. It’s a shit feeling

OP posts:

Boysey45 · 26/03/2019 19:23

In all honesty he shouldn't have been texting a married woman umpteen times in an evening.I wouldn't dream of sitting there texting a married man all night!.
I don't think he sounds very respectful at all.
All you can do is move on Op and don't get into these situations again with letting people bombard you with texts.

PinkGlitter123 · 26/03/2019 19:28

I am guessing as well that even if he checked in a couple of times a week you wouldn't feel like this. I don't think it should be expected that you could be texting him all evening like you were before but to be dropped so suddenly would hurt anyone.
Now you need to make sure you have the self respect to not go back to the constant texting if he finds himself single again. Don't allow yourself to be his stopgap.

sagradafamiliar · 26/03/2019 19:37

I still don't think you're being honest with yourself. No straightforward friendship dying down a bit would call for this much analysis, posting, protesting over its innocence.
You do need to grow up a bit, sorry...swanning around at work completely ignoring him ffs. Just handle it without silly games.

BigButtons · 26/03/2019 19:38

But you are being unkind by blaming yourself! You haven't done anything wrong OP.
make sure you set boundaries that are comfortable for you.
I don't think thi
s has to be black and white. You can still be friends with him just just keep him at a further distance.

Original poster

gingerbeerbeast · 26/03/2019 19:41

.... swanning around at work completely ignoring him.ffs......... where on earth did you pull this from sagradafamiliar ?????

OP posts:

sagradafamiliar · 26/03/2019 19:51

Your OP!

bbcessex · 26/03/2019 19:54

You are enjoying his discomfort, OP, which is immature & seems like you are overly attached to him.

bbcessex · 26/03/2019 19:54

Agree with sagrafamiliar - definitely playing games, OP

Original poster

gingerbeerbeast · 26/03/2019 19:59

You need to read my op again sagradfamiliar . That sentence does not exist .

OP posts:

PinkGlitter123 · 26/03/2019 20:03

Ginger, The way I see it is like this.

If you were expecting the same level of contact as you had when he was single then this wouldn't be reasonable of you. It would hurt and you would understand that you gave too much and that you were used but you would also understand why things had to change a little.
I think the main problem here is that he cut back on contacting you dramatically and with much less frequency. This is what has led to the hurt and 'stopgap' type feelings which I think are completely reasonable. Your friendship was in its nature, intense, but you both wanted that at the time, it didn't just come from you.

What you have to do now is tell him how you feel. If that doesn't seem do able you need to try and be civil but keep him at arms length knowing that you won't be used as his stopgap anymore. Personally I think you would feel better if you told him how you feel.

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