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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Update on realising my friend is a user and I a willing fool !

95 replies

gingerbeerbeast · 26/03/2019 14:53

Following a thread where I asked whether I was unreasonable for feeling hurt when a friend of mine essentially dumped me when he met his now girlfriend . I got great advice and decided to completely detach myself from being so available to him as a friend as I was then being ghosted when I was surplus to requirements. It hurt me desperately as up
To this point we had very regular and consistent contact .. nothing sinister. Just friendship . So I deliberately did not respond to messaging yesterday and last night and this morning , remained aloof but professional in the office etc and despite it being only day 2 , he is upset looking, following me into my office approximately 5 times today already, looks on edge, nervous and it is really really awkward. I feel good and delighted that I have come to that decision as I really was being used as a filler/ gap rather than being invested in as a friend , as another helpful poster pointed out. So how can I deal with this . It’s getting so uncomfortable . It’s the unspoken situation that is strange. If he asks, should I be honest and say I feel that we have different expectations of our friendship and I feel used or should I continue to be aloof but professional and hope it fades out. Thank you again for all advice and your thoughts are appreciated .

OP posts:

Boysey45 · 26/03/2019 15:52

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe . I'd do the same as this person, if he pulls you up I wouldn't give him any in depth explanations, no chance. You owe him nothing at all apart from being polite and professional at work.

Also if your not happy in your marriage and your husband isn't meeting your needs then you need to decide what you are going to do about it.

Bookworm4 · 26/03/2019 16:10

Are you the person that works in a lab with him?

Fairenuff · 26/03/2019 16:10

Why are you being so weird about this guy?

There's no need to not respond to his messages at all, just dial it back.

And why start another thread about it?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3542068-To-be-ridiculously-hurt?msgid=85841567

AfterSchoolWorry · 26/03/2019 16:13

Judy be friendly and civil. The end.

Don't be tempted to give it any more thought now.

Move on.

Smelborp · 26/03/2019 16:14

It sounds like you’ve gone the high drama route and are pleased he’s upset.

Why couldn’t you just let the friendship step down a notch rather than being all or nothing?

downcasteyes · 26/03/2019 16:17

Be honest, but briefly. Otherwise what you are doing is pretty much sulking with the risk of appearing jealous, which is the worst. Just saying something like "I realised we have really different expectations of friendship, which is no-one's fault. I But I'd like to keep things purely professional from now on." And breeze on.

Mememeplease · 26/03/2019 16:18

Oh for goodness sake. You can still be his friend. The type of friend he is being to you. Answer his texts when it suits you. Don't drop everything to respond just as he doesn't. But you can still be friendly and friends who are interested in each others lives - just not the main focus.
You are too emotionally invested in this friendship.

So much drama. You just need to pull back a bit. I have great friendships but I don't text all night with any of them. That would be weird and claustrophobic.

CryptoFascist · 26/03/2019 16:20

OP, I find your perspective odd. Don't we all chat when we're not busy, and not message quite so much when we're busy? Isn't that what chatting is kind of for, to pass the time? He's not insulting you by having other things to do. And maybe it was a bit much when he has a girlfriend, to sit and text other people all evening.

Springwalk · 26/03/2019 16:20

You have taken what was good advice to not emotionally invest too much to such a dramatic extreme.

The point was to look after yourself within this friendship, not to start stonewalling him! No wonder it is uncomfortable! You are making damn sure he is uncomfortable.

Stop.

Let the friendship breathe. Allow him space to enjoy his new gf.

You are coming across as a bit of a bunny boiler. Poor guy.

Tinkobell · 26/03/2019 16:21

I'm assuming that you've told the whole situation to your DH, who, presumably would be as gutted as you are that you're being cold shouldered? I think it's good that you've woken up and smelt the coffee OP. Because honestly, as soon as he became seriously involved with someone else, how on earth could it possibly have continued? Picture the scene - they're having a quiet night on the sofa, when his phone pings "who's that?" GF asks....."my colleague....just sharing a thought for the day" x that 20 times a night - come on, do get real.

userxx · 26/03/2019 16:22

You are acting quite like the jilted lover

This.

Passing4Human · 26/03/2019 16:24

You're creating a load of drama needlessly. He'd already dialled back the nightly textathon the two of you were involved in since meeting his girlfriend. Surely better just to be friendly/pleasant when you see him at work, reply to messages when you feel like it to keep things civil at least. The guy must wonder what the hell he's done so wrong that you're suddenly ignoring him. Another poster above is right - you do sound pleased that he's upset.

Stargazer888 · 26/03/2019 16:25

This is a lot of drama over a friendship... Sounds like he is busy with his new girlfriend. I think you need to consider if you have stronger feelings for him, or you are maybe lonely in your own life.

HollowTalk · 26/03/2019 16:26

OK look at it this way.

My son lives away from home. When he doesn't have a girlfriend, he often calls me on his way home from work and has a chat about his day. I'm interested in his niche career and like to hear about what's going on.

When he's got a girlfriend, he'll phone her instead. That's normal, isn't it? I'm glad he has a girlfriend. Yes, I miss out on hearing the gossip on a regular basis but I'm happy knowing he now has someone else to talk to and confide in. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me. It doesn't have anything to do with me, in that he is thinking of her first, which is as it should be.

It's normal for people to talk mainly to their partner - after you've told the story of your working day or whatever once, you don't tend to want to tell it all over again.

Be glad for your friend that he now has a girlfriend. Now focus on your marriage and your other friends.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/03/2019 16:34

Of course you should be honest! After all, what you complained about with him, in part, was his 'emotional dishonesty' in ghosting you because he can now fill his time with his gf. Don't pay him back 'in kind' because it makes you 'feel good'.

Tell him the truth, as a PP suggested, that you feel that the two of you don't have the same expectations of friendship. It's natural that when one finds a partner that there will be less free time for one's friends, but to cut them to zero time is wrong.

I also think you need to focus more on your relationship with your husband. It appears to me that you have turned outside your marriage to find something that isn't in your marriage. That never works. Not saying one can't have close friends of the opposite sex, but you've invested way too much of yourself in this particular friendship.

timeisnotaline · 26/03/2019 16:34

But, have you just decided no more friends? That’s a bit ridiculous if he is lost in a new love.

BlueSkiesLies · 26/03/2019 16:35

Sorry. But I think the OP is demanding a level of loyalty and exclusivity that I just don't recognise in true friendship. Old friends are pleased for one another, make allowances for each other are generous when someone gets engrossed in something, humour them, support them.....don't have a big flounce and strop off

Yup

Op sounds like a high maintain crazy

theOtherPamAyres · 26/03/2019 16:37

What is wrong with you, OP?

You sound like you are really enjoying the 'chase' and the extra attention.

You don't have to cut off contact and make it obvious. You don't have to behave differently towards him at work, so that he gets worried about what he's done to offend you.

You need only to recognise that your attachment to him is over the top. The drama is uncalled for.

Tinkobell · 26/03/2019 16:39

Why are some posters intent on outing an OP? Why do that? There are 66 million human beings in the UK....a fair number of those are people probably having emotional affairs with a colleague or doing any number of random but very threadworthy acts......why guess that this has to be Judy in the Lab any more than Maureen in the Morgue?!!!!

SweetPetrichor · 26/03/2019 16:40

It seems like you're making a lot out of this when there doesn't need to even be a thread in the first place. Having less free time to reply cause he's in a new relationship doesn't mean he's ignoring you. I have a close friend who is a colleague - and he is male - and some days we will send messages back and forward all day (he moved abroad with his partner so we don't work in the same office anymore) and sometimes we go a week without any contact. Sometimes we reply instantly. Sometimes we don't reply to a message until the next day or whenever we are free. Neither takes offence. If he's out with his boyfriend then I'm not going to make a fuss that he puts him first...same as he doesn't expect me to put my partner second. But we're still close. It sounds like you're making it awkward, and giving him the cold shoulder...no wonder the poor guy is confused. Why would you be happy that a friend is confused and concerned? He is not a user...you are just taking this into the realms of crazy.

Margot33 · 26/03/2019 16:47

No, don't tell him the truth because it makes you look pathetic. If he asks why you dont text back just say, " I'm busy with the family." He didn't feel like he owed you anything when he ghosted, so you definitely do not owe him.

Nickpan · 26/03/2019 16:47

I don't think you actually had to do anything specific, ie, detaching. Unless you wanted to punish, or teach him a lesson. Your initial complaint was, he's stopped texting, boo hoo, and now, when he does, you've detached....
Shouldn't you just respond to his (fewer) texts, rather than acting like you've been dumped, but don't care?
Are you 15?

Nickpan · 26/03/2019 16:49

why not continue posting on the original thread?

MadameDD · 26/03/2019 16:51

The first things that scream out in this thread from me are drama, oversharing and for both of you to back the heck off.

As Drum2018 says I'd be civil at work with a brief explanation as to why you're distancing yourself.

I really think that this is why, on the whole, work based friendships just don't work. You're there to work not have some amazing friendship.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 26/03/2019 16:52

You sound like a teenager

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