To think I was okay til I read some baby books ...

[SpinningSister]

So baby is nearly 10 weeks now and spent first week in NICU with an infection, born at 39+5 my waters broke early but I wasn’t aware hence infection

Anyway I do everything on demand, feed, sleep and I work out baths for us both , cleaning the house, washing babygrows etc around all of this.

I’m 35 and surprise pregnancy after infertility so I’m loving it but as is was a shock (I found out at 10 week but didn’t know how far along I was til I had a private scan and I saw a 12 week baby I was told would never see!) I was used to my orderly life but I believed on demand was better than trying to get a schedule / routine too early.

Anyway against my better judgment I’ve read Gina ford and baby whisperer and feel like I’m doing it all wrong!

After a restless night feed at 7am, then he slept til 9.40 more feed now he’s back to sleep of his own accord.

I am like - should I wake him to play, should I try and follow Gf now, or just wing it like I have been.

This book reading had created instant anxiety, especially as they seem to promise better nights sleep quite quickly.

To be frank, he does seem to want to sleep at night he’s still got startle reflex and snorts alot that wakes him up.

So, what do I do now? Wish I could erase the books from my brain, I just don’t think it would work as frankly I’d rather carry on like I am.

So, what’s my problem.

Throw away the books and listen to your baby instead. They're bollocks. All they ever did for me was undermine my confidence in my own instincts and my ability to listen to my baby and learn about him specifically.

Look at your baby. Learn from your baby.

Ignore the books. I never read any of them, just followed what my babies wanted. I never did a routine, they fed and slept when they needed to. When they got bigger we started bath and bed.

GF is a swear word on here isn’t it?

Assume GF does not know your baby personally?
Bin the book.
As you were op..
Doing great!!

I tell you what dear friend I’ll never meet, if no one else replies that's me done.

It’s what I was doing, and so many of these books are aimed at getting the parents more sleep, when I thought a baby was ‘fuck your life do what he wants’

I really thought that was the point!

I'm 11 months in with no formal routine. He has found his own routine. I do feel like we're winging it a bit but he's meeting all milestones just fine and seems to be pretty happy. Do whatever works for you.

I guess my main motivation for routine really was we don’t go out enough in the pram because he can be so randomly feeding, and as he’s got reflux and nearly choked a couple weeks ago, we have to hold him up for an hour after feeding and that takes up so much time.

I feel like we neglect proper bath times being fun etc, when they are a rush and going for walks, he’s got to be able to lie flat after a feed and we have to time it so he’s not screaming for the next !

10 weeks is so small to be worried about a routine, ignore the book! Have you tried swaddling for the startle reflex? They sort out their own routine. And just when you get the hang of it, it's all change!

Well, parents getting more sleep is not an inherently bad thing, but usually it's a self resolving problem and in the first 3 months at least babies are simply too young to be forced into a "routine" without a lot of crying and suffering (usually on both parts). GF's advice about regimenting Breastfeeding can also be quite damaging if you are trying to establish it and she acts like without a strict routine, babies are being a)spoiled b) neglected, which is total bollocks as well as a contradiction in terms.

Most people work out their own routines down the line and babies' diurnal rhythms normalise so that they sleep more at night after 12 weeks. That happens by itself, if isn't routine driven and can't be rushed. But one actual evidence based thing you can do to encourage your baby's sleep to develop a day/night rhythm is to take them outdoors and give them lots of exposure to natural light.

Burn the books!

Listen to your baby. What does he need? A cuddle? A change? To feed? To sleep? To play? Don't know? Give them all a go!

You will find your own way. As a family

Also, if you have a reflux baby I 100% recommend getting a sling and taking them out in that.

Ignore the books now! Have you heard of the 4th trimester? Basically treat the baby like it’s still a part of you for the first 3 months and do everything on demand as you’ve been doing. As the baby gets older naps and feeds will settle into a pattern. 4 months is a big leap forward and then with weaning it’s easier to establish a routine as you’ll have meal times as well as nap and milk times to factor in. By 6 months your baby will likely be in a baby whisperer style routine all by itself.

Every thing you read in a baby book I can show you a different baby book that contradicts it. For example, Sarah Ockwell-Smith says to do it exactly as you are and is basically the anti Gina Ford.
Just do it your way and enjoy these tough first few months as much as you can.
And congratulations!!

Winging it is totally fine. We've had a very relaxed approach, fed, slept, entertained etc. on demand and at 4 months he's incredibly chilled out and very happy (let's hope it continues through the toddler and teenage years!).

If you want to get out and about more, have a look at slings, pop to a sling library if you can. It'll solve the needing to be upright problem for you :)

OP I think you'll read back on this post and laugh, one day. Baths don't really become an activity until baby is sitting and able to play with toys. At this stage baths are for the purpose of washing baby and 'Five Little Ducks' is sung only for the purpose of cry prevention, the whole process lasts about 15 minutes. Bin the books. Be kind to yourself. You sound like a caring, attentive Mum.

Give the ridiculous GF book to the baby to read, it'll be about as much use!

Seriously though, those books are dreadful! Not even written by parents! So we end up questioning our own intuition and as you have already learned, intuitive baby-caring is the best thing you can possibly do for yourself and your baby. Feed on demand, pick him up the minute he cries, have the baby in your bed at nights, don't get dressed until 4pm, never wake a sleeping baby, and just do whatever you need to get yourself and your tiny little precious thing through these early weeks.

The kinder you are to your baby, the more he will trust you and grow to up be a marvellous, loving, and loved independent young person.

Sod the baby books! Seriously, I ruined my time with my pfb at first by trying to stick to their 'instructions.' I had no confidence in my own abilities to judge what my baby needed. He was very refluxy, needed v frequent smaller feeds, and lots of holding upright... Things eventually sorted themselves out just fine!

I'll tell you one thing for certain, your DS hasn't read any of these books, and has no idea what he 'should' be doing!

Build a bonfire, throw the books on and let the burn. Then go back to looking after your wee one. Oh, and give him a hug from me!

Ignore the book! He'll develop his own routine that suits you both.

Ask for a refund on the books and use the money to buy a Moby wrap. 😁

You are not doing anything wrong! My advice is do what works for you and your lifestyle and use the books as referencebooks only, not as a book of hard and fast rules, so if a particular part of parenting is becoming a bit challenging, read up on that, see what you think and give it a try if you think it might work.

It may also help to get baby books from a range of authors and styles so you can strengthen your confidence in the way you manage your baby. They are all putative experts in their field but with vastly differing ways of managing the same behaviours. Work with what suits you. I did on demand everything simply because I am not the kind of person who likes rote, schedules and timetables but for someone who does, on demand would not be so good. I read all sorts of sources and in many cases they conflict!

Spock babies birthed Leach babies birthed Ford babies and so on .... we all survived! Relax and enjoy your baby !

The problem is that your baby hasn’t read any of the books. Not just those ones you have, it’s not a case of trying to find the right one that tells you the meaning of life, your baby gives not one single shit what any of them have written. By all means research normal developmental milestones (the wonder weeks app is great for this) but assuming that books have all the answers and that you are somehow doing something wrong just by looking at and listening to your baby is a short route to unbearable misery. Don’t worry about routine or things that you feel you “should” do- your baby doesn’t! Honestly they’re not bothered if you get out in the pram for a walk or stay in bed all day, so long as you’re meeting their needs as and when they crop up (which at 10 weeks is roughly all of the time!) then you’re doing an awesome job. I did regular bath times from early on but that was simply because I got in with her and it was a more efficient way of both of us getting ready for bed than if I broke my back to bath her and then had to wait until later to get myself sorted. It will all be a distant memory one day and you’ll discover them climbing into their own pushchair just because they can 😂

I found both of mine got into their own routine after 3/4 more than naturally. Then you can start to tweak it.

I am not sure how you are feeding, I think routines in general are slightly easier for bottle fed than breastfed babies as you know how much they've had and then you know how long they are likely to go between feeds and also they are less likely to fall asleep feeding. That's just my experience with my friends though and might not apply generally!

Gins Ford is known for being very rigid. That suits some families and not others. Plenty people have no routine when their kids are babies and they turn out OK! I found a more rigid routine from around 6 months useful

You fall into or follow a routine because that's what is useful to you, to your life. Whether that routine comes naturally or from a book doesn't really matter.

At 10 weeks old though, my babies were too young to be nudged into a GF routine. By 4 months we did start to follow a GF routine and that kind of pattern saved my sanity. Personally I'm not the kind of person who could wing it, and having a more scheduled day helped me and my babies immensely.

If you choose to follow any written guide, just choose the bits that work for you, you don't have to follow anything strictly (I remember GF writing what mum should have to eat at breakfast time )

To be fair, I did GF with my twins because it's the same routine as they use in nicu where mine were for month (premature) so we just carried on with it at home.
But in your position I'd keep doing what works for you.

I remember physically throwing the Gina Ford book across the room, just do whatever works for you and your baby, it sounds like you were doing just fine before. And congratulations by the way, enjoy all those squishy newborn cuddles.