To think I was okay til I read some baby books ...

[SpinningSister]

So baby is nearly 10 weeks now and spent first week in NICU with an infection, born at 39+5 my waters broke early but I wasn’t aware hence infection

Anyway I do everything on demand, feed, sleep and I work out baths for us both , cleaning the house, washing babygrows etc around all of this.

I’m 35 and surprise pregnancy after infertility so I’m loving it but as is was a shock (I found out at 10 week but didn’t know how far along I was til I had a private scan and I saw a 12 week baby I was told would never see!) I was used to my orderly life but I believed on demand was better than trying to get a schedule / routine too early.

Anyway against my better judgment I’ve read Gina ford and baby whisperer and feel like I’m doing it all wrong!

After a restless night feed at 7am, then he slept til 9.40 more feed now he’s back to sleep of his own accord.

I am like - should I wake him to play, should I try and follow Gf now, or just wing it like I have been.

This book reading had created instant anxiety, especially as they seem to promise better nights sleep quite quickly.

To be frank, he does seem to want to sleep at night he’s still got startle reflex and snorts alot that wakes him up.

So, what do I do now? Wish I could erase the books from my brain, I just don’t think it would work as frankly I’d rather carry on like I am.

So, what’s my problem.

Can empathise re the reflux. It's horrendous. I can still remember the early few weeks and he is a 9yr old now.
Ignore the books and we'll meaning people who think they have all the answers- they haven't a clue. Listen to healthcare advice and listen to your gut.
Personally I used a raised mattress in his pram and and on occasions (when his reflux was particularly bad) i actually bought a 'from birth' stroller and propped him up and got us out in the fresh air that way. I got some funny looks ( from the people who were ignorant if our situation) with my little one being so small and in a kind if pushchair and not the pram but I didn't care as it was what worked for us and my son was safe and comfortable.

You need to by more books OP, you'll come across one that suits you and your baby's style eventually. Some mums and babies like strict routine, others relaxed routine, some little or none.

Baby whisperer suited us.

Oh, we didn't do routines. I read the first chapter of the Baby Whisperer and basically took away "watch the baby for a few days, see if you can work out what her routine is, and work around that". There's a baby tracker app that you can get where you can track naps, sleep, nappies and feeds. For us working out her natural rhythm and working with it was the best way (she was pretty textbook; not every baby is).

It's not for everyone and you don't have to do that, obviously, it's all about what works for you. But your baby hasn't read any baby books so really don't feel like you're failing because the book says something different "should" be happening.

Sorry, I mean we didn't impose routines.

Your baby has reflux and yet you still manage to get loads done every day, manage to get outside and seem to still have your sanity?

SpinningSister you are absolute nailing parenting. What on earth do you need the books for?

Mine are 2 and 5 and still dont have set routine, all parents are generally winging it!
As a mum whos on the other side of the war zone that is a refluxy cmpa constipated babba I would absolutely 100% recommend a sling instead of a pram for getting out and about, but don't rush that just yet, you're still in the 4th trimester phase so lots of lounging around and snuggles

My baby randomly at 12 weeks old (Christmas Day actually) decided to start sleeping through the night of his own accord (much to my annoyance as DH had agreed to do the night shift that day and then there bloody wasn't one!) and then that was his routine from then on. I think the outcomes GF is promising people would happen naturally on their own if they are going to happen, nothing to do with what the parents do. It's just luck ultimately.

Agree with posters up thread - a sling will absolutely help with getting out and about with your baby. Find out where your local sling library or meet is, then you can try a few out and work out which is best for you.

Of course when they posset (ha! With a reflux baby it's more like The Exorcist) down you it goes right down your front so my advice is to put a change of top and bra in a comfy light backpack as well as the ubiquitous 10 changes of clothes for the baby. A wet flannel in a sealed bag is handy too in case you need to wash the sour cheesy stuff from your cleavage - ah, happy memories .

But it's totally worth if for the fact that you can get out of the house so much more quickly, and they're clearly much happier in an upright position, snuggled up to you.

We found that the more structured ones like Ergos were better when they were nearing one year old, and the stretchy wraps were better when they were teeny. I have a friend who progressed to non-stretchy fabric wraps and she swore by them, I wish I'd given them a try as they were so beautiful and looked much cooler for the summer months.

My cousin had two babies that fell into the GF routine like a dream. She was smug as hell and kept telling me it would have solved all my problems if I'd just given it a go.

Then she got baby number three and boy did she eat her words! Apparently this one hadn't read the book and didn't want to play by the rules. Suddenly everything was on demand because it was the only way she was going to survive.

Follow your instincts. The are there to help you know how to care for your baby and they are generally spot on.

As others have said, forget everything in the books. All babies are so different, just keep going with what you think is best and suddenly you'll realise that you're in a routine, one that suits your baby and not one that a stranger from a book decided is best!
Don't worry if you're not getting out much, you've got loads of time to be out and about (but I agree, get a sling!)
By the sounds of it you're doing an amazing job so keep doing what you're doing x

Burn the books but....if you get sleeping cracked, it does make for an easier path.

How you choose to do it can vary based on your parenting style. And it may be that no matter what you do it doesn’t work. At the very least, see sleep as the next priority to food.

Yeah man burn the books

I put my copies of Gina Ford and the Baby Whisperer in a public bin as I didn’t want any other mother to be subjected to them. Please do the same. Forget ‘schedules’ and go back to building your relationship with the beautiful human in your arms. They can communicate from so young. I did baby signing and am still so angry that books like these don’t come with health warnings. Give your baby a hug and do what makes you both feel good.

Just enjoy your little miracle and don't worry about any book that says you should be doing this at that time, something else at another time, every little one is different and you sound like you have a wonderful bond. Don't worry about the housework or whether you have polished the sink unit - you will never get these days back again and they are so very precious.
My first 6 months with my big chap, now 21 were very special as my husband worked away, everyone felt sorry for me as I had no help with night feeds, baths and bedtime etc but I loved it, he was mine and we winged it every day. If he slept 10 -12 in the morning, so did I, if he wanted cuddling all afternoon, we cuddled, and if he wanted to nod off early, I took the Moses basket upstairs and was in bed myself with sandwiches and TV all night. Magical times.
Just enjoy and don't be dictated to - you are very lucky to have each other and you are doing a grand job !!

Honestly, OP, even though I read about two hundred pregnancy books in several languages, I didn't read a single baby development book after DS was born, because it was immediately obvious that I was the expert, if there was one, on my specific baby, and that several key 'developmental stages' are largely fictions, like the four month sleep regression, which isn't some inevitable stage, like teething. Gina Ford makes me want to punch people.

A book you might like, and which i do recommend, precisely because it's not an advice book, but a gently validating book about why apparently doing nothing for/to/with your baby is in fact brilliant, is Naomi Stadlen's What Mothers Do (Especially When It Looks Like Nothing).

If I timetravelled back to my son's early weeks and months, the one thing I wish I'd done differently is panicked less about trying to get a handle on it all, and rushing about with a barely-healed CS scar to baby massage and coffee mornings because I had some idea that I and the baby had to Get Out There and this was what my life was going to be like now. If I were doing it again, I wouldn't go out unless I felt like it, and would just hole up on the sofa and snuggle him and watch French films.

Please don't read any of those damn books! Never seem to be written by ..you know..parents!

You'd get a lot more sense from fellow mumsnetters! I am unlikely to have children -too old now anyway, but if I did I would not open any book but would trawl mumsnet for info and advice!

Tbh I loved routine with both my dcs.

But god, Gina Ford was the worst thing I have ever read! It made me feel so incompetent and like the worst mum in the world because somehow I couldn’t manage to have dc1 follow her routine. Never mind that we had our own routine
Just chuck the book away. If you look in the reviews in amazon, you will see that there are many many reviews along the same lines.
Not worth the angst she is manag8ng to create (maybe because she never had a child of her own so never ‘got’ that a mother-baby couple doesnt work thé same way than a nanny-baby relationhsip).

I am reading and will reply - currently 1 hand type holding him up

Is he on reflux meds? My eldest had severe reflux and a CMPA, my god it was hard so I sympathise.

Your baby has reflux and yet you still manage to get loads done every day, manage to get outside and seem to still have your sanity?

SpinningSister you are absolute nailing parenting. What on earth do you need the books for?

I second this!

My eldest had silent reflux. It’s so grim. If you haven’t tried slings yet, I’d recommend an Ergo or a Moby (or both) - I loved the Ergo in particular as really snuggly for newborns but with a bit more structure than the Moby.

Then you can get out into the sunshine while still having an upright baby. The pram will come. (I actually used to take the pram out with us for a walk with the babies in the Ergo as it was a useful place to put the baby bag, and to pop the baby down while I had a coffee if he wasn’t feeding. But mainly to carry the baby bag.

I think you're doing a great job following the lead of your baby. Those books are not back up by any science and are completely ridiculous. Some of the people in my NCT group are sleep training their babies or following her method and their babies don't seem to be sleeping any better than my son.

I would have loved my babies to follow GF, I think a routine makes life easier for everyone, and I was hoping to get more sleep. However, I found the GF books really useless because they just assume the routine will work - so what do you do if your baby demands a feed after just two hours and just won't calm down unless you feed it? I don't believe GF works easily for all babies, I think for some it will involve a lot of crying.
I suggest reading either no baby books or a vast variety of them, that way you will see that even the experts can't agree what the right way to raise a baby is. Yet they all say their way is the right way.

Thanks so much for your replies, I feel so much better.

To answer a few things, I like housework I was a hairdresser so used to on my feet so when he sleeps I sterilise bottles and do th dishes which clears the decks for me to make myself a meal in the clear so that helps my fussy head!

Reflux is grim and even worse because he choked and we called 999 a couple weeks ago, it took a few nights to stop watching him and he had nearly done it again the other night but I was awake so saw hi. And picked him up. It scares the shit out of me.
I get bad indigestion it’s pribably genetic!

For ages I used the smallest room in the house as a nursery and lived there for 4 weeks trying to express to no avail and not enjoying him at all. We’ve moved rooms, and both me and my husband sleep in the same room again which helps, I was sleeping on the flor with the baby in a moses basket feeling like I was on mars!

Now I’m on the same level as kitchen and dining room I feel much more mobile! We have a baby monitor I use as well so I put that on when he sleeps and really quick put a wash on and come back,

Not sure why all of this is relevant, it’s just nice to post : talk to other mothers im not ready for baby groups yet

The only routine I've ever imposed on my children is the awake time between naps and set bedtimes. That gave me at least something to hang my days around and meant hopefully I didn't end up with overtired screaming babies by 5pm. There's charts online that tell you maximum awake times by age, then by looking for tired signs you can make sure they're getting the sleep they need. You know your baby best, and you're the best mother he'll ever have

Oh and yes! I’ll look at a sling !!

But what does a baby wear underneath it and lot get hot or cold ?