To think I was okay til I read some baby books ...

[SpinningSister]

So baby is nearly 10 weeks now and spent first week in NICU with an infection, born at 39+5 my waters broke early but I wasn’t aware hence infection

Anyway I do everything on demand, feed, sleep and I work out baths for us both , cleaning the house, washing babygrows etc around all of this.

I’m 35 and surprise pregnancy after infertility so I’m loving it but as is was a shock (I found out at 10 week but didn’t know how far along I was til I had a private scan and I saw a 12 week baby I was told would never see!) I was used to my orderly life but I believed on demand was better than trying to get a schedule / routine too early.

Anyway against my better judgment I’ve read Gina ford and baby whisperer and feel like I’m doing it all wrong!

After a restless night feed at 7am, then he slept til 9.40 more feed now he’s back to sleep of his own accord.

I am like - should I wake him to play, should I try and follow Gf now, or just wing it like I have been.

This book reading had created instant anxiety, especially as they seem to promise better nights sleep quite quickly.

To be frank, he does seem to want to sleep at night he’s still got startle reflex and snorts alot that wakes him up.

So, what do I do now? Wish I could erase the books from my brain, I just don’t think it would work as frankly I’d rather carry on like I am.

So, what’s my problem.

Your body regulates the baby's body temperature when you use a sling. In cold weather they can be tucked inside your coat or under a sling cover and just need warm socks and a hat.

www.google.com/amp/s/southlondonslings.co.uk/2013/11/12/carrying-in-the-cold/amp/

Gina ford never had a baby and the baby whisperer left her own kids at home and went off to help other peoples barely seeing hers.
Anything that makes you feel crap isn't worth it. I know someone who followed gf to the letter and woke their baby during the day whenever she dozed off as a tiny newborn. She ended up having terrible sleep issues and couldn't fall into a deep sleep.

Put the books in the bin.

I’m naturally anxious, but during pregnancy I was so tired and ill, that I had no time or concentration to read any baby books except the one the NHS provided.
I managed fine, and honestly had so little anxiety during Mat leave.
Lots of other mum friends read all of the baby books, and it sounded like they were stressed all of the time for not doing it right

If you need an antidote to try and get the Gina Ford out of your brain try Sarah Ockwell-Smith. Then ignore both and carry on as you were - sounds like you were doing great :-)

I read the GF for twins book - it took two days before I thought ‘wtf am I walking twins for, for a schedule where I am actually not doing anything?!’

I didn’t do it again. It’s useful to create a schedule when you have to be up and out to nursery by a specific time, but with a tiny newborn just spend your days doing exactly as you please.

Congratulations on your new baby

You'll naturally fall into your own pattern (less severe than "routine"!!!), you'll get used to it, then your baby will change it!!! Their needs change so much over time, they'll have growth spurts and feed/sleep more, teeth, start moving around and so forth. I've read a few baby books. I've picked a few tips that I liked out of them, but never rigidly followed any of them.

Enjoy your baby. Be kind to yourself. Everything else will be ok. Huge congratulations!!

Step away from the books! Get yourself a sling and enjoy every on demand moment of your mat leave. Under the sling just dress him in indoor house clothes while he's little, maybe a hat too if it's cold or sunny. Like PP said your body heat will keep him warm, and the sling counts as a layer too (put the sling over your clothes but under your jacket...if that makes sense).
I'd recommend a fabric wrap sling for little babies, I had a Caboo organic thing which was great. When he got older I got a babybjorn one which is easier to get him in and out of, but definitely less comfortable.
There's plenty of time for routine when he's older. Congratulations on your baby

I could have written your post. Mine was much wanted after years of trying and I did everything responsively to start. Then people kept asking about his sleep, routine and throwing in the odd ‘rod for your own back comments’ about everything from BF baby to sleep to carrying him in a sling.

I sought a solution in GF and I can tell you I did not get it. I felt like a failure and constantly felt like if I just kept trying the routine would fix my baby’s ‘sleep problems’. I’m sure there are people out there who make it work but it was a disaster for me and my mental health.

If I had my time again I would:
-not worry about where the baby slept. Chuck him in the sling if I needed to go out, held him and watched tv if I wanted to stay in.
-not fret about why he wasn’t sleeping through. He’s a baby, some do and some don’t.
-not spent all my time worrying about how much sleep he was having when.

It sounds like you’ve been doing a great job. Carry on trusting your instincts and being responsive.

Not sure why all of this is relevant, it’s just nice to post : talk to other mothers im not ready for baby groups yet

Honestly, try and get yourself out there. Not for baby's benefit, but for yours! A sling library is probably a good place to start, they often have drop in groups with refreshments, breastfeeding support (so lots of other very new mums) etc. It'll help you realise that every worry, niggle and problem you have, everyone else has, or has had as well. Suddenly all those, in your mind, massive problems, become totally normal.

Have a Google to see what's in your local area. I personally don't get on too well with the church hall type stay and play type activities but we've done Baby Sensory since baby was 5 weeks old, swimming lessons since 10 weeks old and a music group since 12 weeks old. Baby (now 16 weeks) loves them all, he's entertained by them and sleeps like a log afterwards (my main motivation to go!), and it's the same small (5-15 depending on activity) Mums (and Dads!) each week, so you quickly get friendly with people. Babies are great conversation starters.

The books aren’t helpful in my experience. Babies aren’t like robots or dolls. They are born different with different personalities and different needs. The books may have advice that is relevant to your baby or they may not. Mostly not. If they are presenting themselves as a guarantee for better sleep or a plan of ideal parenting then they are going to mostly just make you feel like shit. Not worth the emotional upset (not to mention the time spent forcing yourself to ready them) if they are not going to help you.

30+ years of experience looking after babies and toddlers here, inc as a nanny and childminder - throw the books away and ignore them!

No baby ever read a book!

They're all different, listen to your baby, your own instincts and do what works for YOUR FAMILY.

I absolutely would not be following the advice of a non parent who's only experience of caring for children is in a restricted, clinical setting where routine is necessary due to lack of resources and because they're more likely caring for sick babies so certain things need to be carefully monitored.

I'm also an ex nurse and there's a BIG difference between care in a hospital setting and care in a community/home setting at all ages.

At 10 weeks you don't need to worry about anything but the basics - feeding, sleeping, basic hygiene - And that applies to you too.

The rest will come, you'll naturally adjust to babies needs, to more time for other things.

Those books remind of the line in Baz Luhrmann's Sunscreen
"Do not read beauty magazines- they will only make you feel ugly".
If tens of thousands of years of evolutionary instinct is telling you and your baby to do something then you're not going to screw anything up by doing it.
Baby books, whilst occasionally useful, are a commercial industry the main point of which is to produce profit for the author a d publisher, so they have to keep reinventing the wheel to sell more books.

Get a sling. you can do housework, settle him after a feed(helps with refoux) and take him out for a walk. Baby is still close to you and you get your hands back. How is he with winding? Mines is always worse when she can't get wind up. Books mean nothing. Follow that gorgeous baby!!!

OP don't get anymore books, give them away or bin them, go with what your baby needs, feed breast/bottle when he wants it. Let him sleep when he wants, he is a little baby. I found when mine were 5-6months onwards old they started to get more into a routine, based around weaning. You could put them on the floor for tummy time. But don't worry about all that now.

You ladies are so brilliant.

I’ve been on MN since 2012 and I’m so glad I got the chance to get to the parenting side.

Women amaze me every day, and now I’m a mother even more xx

How a books can be written when each baby is different. My dd is Autistic and has learning difficulties, when she was a baby was crying all the time, and not happy and chilled like all the other babies, she wanted to be held and rocked whereas ds ran like clockwork and was easy to get into a routine from about 5 months onward.

For the final nail in the GF coffin, look up the amount of nap time and spacing between naps that she suggests, and compare it to literally ALL other information on the internet. Whilst I love our routine, (and DS has been in one since he was very young,) her expectations regarding sleep are completely inappropriate - especially for younger babies.

From four months we started following a routine through weebeedreaming.com and it worked like a dream. But yours is a little young for a routine yet.

Congratulations on your lovely baby

Hey OP where are you based? I have a close caboo that DS has grown out of if you're interested?

If you're not too far you can have it.

Will PM

OP you sound just like me when I had my DS. My husband in a fit of paternal helpfulness bought me both of those books. I read them both in the bath and cried and cried thinking I was doing it All Wrong. In the end a friend told me to ditch them, ignore that kind of thing and find my own way with my baby. He never ever slept much in the day so clearly he never read the instructions that he should have loads of naps in a dark room etc etc. He’s a stroppy 12 year old now and taller than me so it never did him any harm. Congratulations on your lovely baby, OP, you sound like you’re doing great

Gina Ford's book gave me the willies and I was quite routine focused! But not at 10 weeks. If you do want a bit of orientation about what to expect at what age in terms of sleep I would recommend "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth really good. He's a paediatrician who describes averages of what kids in his practice actually do, and rather than giving you a blanket "18 weeks, get the baby up at 6.47am and give them the first of about fifteen top and tail baths" he gives you ranges of what to expect. Like a set bedtime usually establishes itself around 12 weeks, that babies can go longer without napping from about 17 weeks on so you can start setting a routine by the clock instead of looking for tired signs and napping on demand, and so on.

Don't burn Gina Ford.

You might need a doorstop. Or run out of loo roll.

My mistake was buying it on Kindle.

Two 'children', youngest recently 40, never read a book about babies, children etc., never had discussions endlessly with friends about babies, far more interesting things to talk about, never sought advice other than from professionals when it was absolutely unavoidable.
Reading many posts on this site I honestly think that mothers are being forced to over-think things, babies have been born and raised for ever, trust yourself, your baby will pick up on how constantly worried you are about trivia.

Oh please don't fret OP, just find your own rhythm that suits your baby.

We tried GF routine for ONE DAY when DS was 6 weeks old (actually on his due date as he was prem). Not sure why it thought that was the appropriate time - he was waaaaay too young for a routine - but anyway, it worked in the sense that on that particular day he slept quite well, but what we had to do (keep him awake etc felt totally unnatural).

One day when he was 6 months old he suddenly decided he wanted a routine so we introduced one after that - but whatever felt right for him rather than dictated by a book.

I found that Baby Whisperer was useful conceptually, just don't try to stick too rigidly to it.

And finally, the one book I did find really useful was "the wonder weeks" which describes the different developmental leaps little ones go through. Helped explain why some weeks were so much harder than others, and showed how he was learning and developing.

Good luck and congrats on your new little one!