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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask you opinion of what I should do regarding travelling to see ill father?

24 replies

DataColour · 26/03/2019 10:28

Sorry this is in AIBU, but I really need some opinions.

My father is 81. I saw him last weekend when he visited us. But a couple of days ago he had to go to A&E because he was in pain with his bowels. He had to have an operation under GA to remove some scar tissue. Operation was successful and he is recovering OK (As well as he can considering his age). They put him in ICU for a night and now he is going to be moved to the general ward to recover and he will be there for at least a week till he is well enough to go home.

My mum is on her own supporting him, as I am an only child, so no other close family. Although they have had visits from friends and extended family.

They live in Surrey and I live in Manchester. I can't stay for the night at my parents place, no room at all. Plus I have 2 primary aged DCs who I usually do the school drop off and pick ups as DH is a teacher, but wrap around care can be arranged.

I would have to go for the day. It would take me about 8hrs in total to go there and back. Should I go? My mum understands I have work etc (but I can take annual leave) but implied that I should come if I can.

Realistically I'd be seeing my dad for a couple of hours and then back on the train.
He is not in a critical situation, but recovering from a operation, but at the age of 81 who knows....

WWYD please.

OP posts:

Hearhere · 26/03/2019 10:31

I think if I was your mum I would be telling you not to come because it's just going to cause you a massive amount of stress and there isn't anything you can do to improve the situation

HeathRobinson · 26/03/2019 10:33

I would not be guilting you into coming down.

Toooldtocareanymore · 26/03/2019 10:34

I'd go visit my dad. Listen to your mum.
i'd hate to think I hadn't gone just cos it took a while, when he was ill and in hospital. im sure your mum would like some support too, what age is she?
Help her talk to the professionals about how well your dad will be when he gets out, if you need to stay longer or come back at weekend when he's out to help her, get an air mattress and pop it in your bag im sure you can find some floor space.

I think its the right thing to do.

BigButtonsOnMyPhone · 26/03/2019 10:35

Sounds like your mum needs some support too - I'd go.

Hospitaldramafamily · 26/03/2019 10:35

I'd be wanting to see my dad if I were you, especially given his age. It does sound like lots of stress logistically though so if it doesn't happen I'm sure they'll understand

geekone · 26/03/2019 10:35

I don’t think the guilt trip is great parenting but if this was my dad I would have no hesitation.

Hearhere · 26/03/2019 10:36

If you go this time, you will have to go every time
I would try to step away from the guilt and gently encourage your mum to look for support from local sources
this situation isn't going to improve and you need to make sure that you don't get completely drained of your life force as your parents decline
(I realise I sound very harsh here)

bilbodog · 26/03/2019 10:36

It sounds as if he is recovering ok and its not as if he is on his own - your mother is there. Why cant you wait until the weekend and then go?

whitesoxx · 26/03/2019 10:37

I'd go on Friday to Sunday. Arrange wrap around care for the kids.

Why can't you stay at your parents house?

JenniferJareau · 26/03/2019 10:37

Personally I'd go and take 2 days off and stay in a hotel (if you can afford to that it).

Sicario · 26/03/2019 10:37

Why don't you write him a nice card and send it to the ward? Your first priority is your own family unit and we can't always cut ourselves in half to be in two places at the same time. Don't feel bad about it.

Kintan · 26/03/2019 10:48

I'd go if I were you. At 81 having undergone an operation, things can (god forbid) change for the worst suddenly at that age, especially with an extended hospital stay. And you wouldn't want to be in the position that you regretted not going. As you are able to arrange wrap around care easily, why wouldn't you go? Also aside from seeing your Dad, I'm sure your Mum would appreciate you going.

Startoftheyear2019 · 26/03/2019 10:53

You should go. I'm surprised by some of the responses on this thread. He's your dad, he's in pain and unwell. Your mum is coping but would value your visit. Your kids will manage for one day without you. And you probably need to think about planning to visit every other month or so from now on as (sadly) their needs are only going in one direction .

Alsohuman · 26/03/2019 11:03

I’d definitely go. Your mum needs your support, she may need help to advocate for your dad. They don’t put people in ICU for fun.

Why isn’t there room for you to stay in their house? If your dad’s in hospital, there’s half a bed going begging. As parents get older they need more care and support. I too am really surprised at some of the responses - writing a “nice card” being the most facile.

Chamomileteaplease · 26/03/2019 11:10

I would think of it as one difficult day. Plan the childcare etc, gear yourself up for the train and know that you will be tired the next day.

Then even if it is only two hours with your Dad, (although that is a long time for an ill 81 year old!), you will have seen him and more importantly you will have given your mum something to look forward to at this difficult time.

This is assuming that they are nice parents and you get on with them.

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 26/03/2019 11:32

I'd go. But that is influenced by the fact that when my DF was in hospital, in much the same position as yours, I was planning to visit him the next day, which was the weekend - and my DH insisted on taking me that evening, although it meant arranging babysitters etc.
DF died in his sleep that night.
OP, I sincerely hope that you don't find yourself in this situation, and that your DF makes a good recovery - but all I can say is that I would never have forgiven myself if I'd left it until a more convenient time...
Go and see him (and your DM).

KC225 · 26/03/2019 11:50

I would go.

I live abroad and when I visit my elderly mother I sleep on the sofa. Its not great but doable. As it's just you, surely you can stay the night, even in a sleeping bag on the floor that way you can squeeze in two visits and give your mum a bit of a hand hold.

You don't say how old your primary kids are. If older can you not farm them out for sleep overs, for a couple of nights? I have done it for parents who have business, sickness trips. Kids get to be with their friends.

Original poster

DataColour · 26/03/2019 14:19

Thanks for all your opinions. I've decided to go down for the day tomorrow. It will be a lot of travelling but at the age of 81 I don't want to chance it.

OP posts:

BlackSatinDancer · 26/03/2019 14:49

I'm glad you are going. If someone has been in ICU even for one night then it is isn't a trivial illness. It sounds like your DM needs your support too. She has probably been frightened by this and may suddenly be aware of her and your DF's mortality.

8 hours there and back isn't much to ask of you. Your DF must have travelled for this long to see you last weekend.

TheQueef · 26/03/2019 14:59

I'm glad you are going.
You never know so it's sensible not to chance it.
Plus seeing Dad in person will speed his recovery up.
for all three of you.

BlueSkiesLies · 26/03/2019 15:01

Why not stay over in a hotel if you can't sleep at your parents?

Numptysod · 26/03/2019 15:09

Parents have a sofa? Can kip on that!

Alsohuman · 26/03/2019 16:16

I’m glad you’re going too. Why not stay a bit longer and kip down on the sofa or in with your mum? Hope all goes well 💐

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 26/03/2019 16:24

Why can't you stay at your parents' house though? Do they only have one room in total? Otherwise, surely you can sleep on the sofa for one night?

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