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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So irritated by this but AIBU

75 replies

Dontbestupidagain · 26/03/2019 10:08

I went away last week for two nights on a school residential trip. It was voluntary rather that work but my ds was there too.
DH stayed at home with other 3 DC. It had been planned for months.
Whilst we were away DH washed and shrank my only nice cashmere jumper. It was a recent birthday present. All my other clothes come from charity shops and I don't really have nice things as they get wrecked with our very busy life. I was cross with him. This morning MIL said oh "poor DH, you shouldn't be cross with him, he was only trying his best". This has irritated the crap out of me.
I hardly ever go away. I work part-time. I have all of our mental load. Before going away I organised everything so that meals were planned, activities sorted etc. It is hard work but you know what, I manage it every fucking day. If DH went away no one would bat an eye and I would still get everything done.
I appreciate that I have totally facilitated his inability to organise but ultimately I have standards and it would stress me more that those things weren't done so I do them myself (he has some redeeming features btw).
However I really don't think it's that hard to put a load of washing on and not ruin the only bloody nice thing I have. AIBU??

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 26/03/2019 10:10

Was he hopeless and incompetent before you married him?

QueenEhlana · 26/03/2019 10:11

I'd be furious too, and I'd insist the money for something equally nice came out of HIS free spending money. Not the family budget, not yours, not the DCs, but HIS.

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2019 10:14

It was an accident op. I doubt he did it on purpose. I've even shrunk ,y own clothes, and I'm fairly adept at laundry.

If you have bigger issues with him resolve it, and of course it's not unreasonable, to be annoyed it happened but try to remember it was an accident and he didn't do it on purpose.

zoellafortitude · 26/03/2019 10:15

Sounds like the jumper was the last straw for you!

I am not surprised you feel resentful as it sounds like you are shouldering a heavy load there.

However...

ultimately I have standards and it would stress me more that those things weren't done so I do them myself

You may have to learn to let go a bit as you will only burn yourself out. You may have to make a choice as to whether you want 100% control (and therefore 100% responsibility) or to do it 50%/50% (but realise your DH will have different ideas to you).

Your DH needs to learn about different fabrics before he does any more washing though!

marvellousnightforamooncup · 26/03/2019 10:17

Send it to Turtle Doves and get a pair of cashmere fingerless gloves for just £3 postage.

Floralhousecoat · 26/03/2019 10:18

Was there a reason he washed it? Did it need to be washed? If not, I'd be fuming.

Yanbu to be annoyed. I would be too.

MyKingdomForBrie · 26/03/2019 10:18

If I shrunk something of DHs in the wash and he was 'furious' with me I'd be really disappointed in him. I don't know whether your dh was being deliberately careless but we all make mistakes - unless there's some kind of backstory I think YABU.

You shouldn't enable uselessness though - to me that's a totally different issue. Don't plan all the food/activities etc - he's a perfectly functional adult! My dh is pretty hopeless domestically but I wouldn't plan his weekend for him if I left him with the kids.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 26/03/2019 10:19

He didnt do it deliberately though did he? Yes it's annoying, and yes, I'd be hopping mad for a while too, but ultimately, the other 25 things in the wash were done correctly .

I do love these ridiculous suggestions, when the family is buying clothes from a charity shop, that the expectation that ther is spare frivilous money to be spent I'd be furious too, and I'd insist the money for something equally nice came out of HIS free spending money. Not the family budget, not yours, not the DCs, but HIS. In the real world, people dont have these mythical fun budgets, it all comes out of one pot.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 26/03/2019 10:19

www.turtle-doves.co.uk/pages/recycle-my-cashmere-jumper

I have 3 pairs and they're lovely. It takes the pain out of moth holes.

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 26/03/2019 10:23

I will never understand this ridiculously dated attitude of our mother's generation who believe that it's fine for men to be completely useless at every day tasks at home.

These are the same men where it's perfectly reasonable and quite frankly expected that they can be trained in their jobs to do things like operate or even design complex machines to do tasks but a washing machine is far beyond their abilities?
They can manage to organise catering and events at work but cannot knock up a simple spaghetti Bolognese at home.
They can manage an entire department but can't be expected to learn what to do on a simple school run.

So many people would be shocked if a woman turned around and told us she was no good at laundry. She's "no idea when it comes to all those different washing machine buttons, it's the hubby's job"

OP, your DH should be replacing your ruined jumper immediately. With his money. Your MIL should be ashamed she raised such a man, lacking in such basic skills.

GloriousGoosebumps · 26/03/2019 10:26

What is he proposing to do about the ruined jumper? If he hasn't said anything then you need to ask him and this would probably be the time to point out that that this jumper was the only decent bit of clothing you have. I'll wager he's not dressing in charity shop clothes. I can't image damaging someone else's property and not being extremely apologetic and also replacing the item.

Chocolateisfab · 26/03/2019 10:32

Tied in the right way it would make a good noose.....

Serialweightwatcher · 26/03/2019 10:35

It was an accident and unfortunately quite easily done with cashmere - my DH wouldn't know how to put the machine on and even if he did, wouldn't consider it if the washing was round his ears ... he made a big mistake, but it was a mistake

FriarTuck · 26/03/2019 10:35

It was an accident, accidents happen. And you work part-time, presumably he works full-time, so it's not unreasonable that you do most of the home stuff. He can't win - does the washing & makes a mistake, gets grief, doesn't do the washing gets grief. Enough with the 'mental load' - it's called life. It doesn't need to be built up into a title to make you look hard-done-by. If you worked full-time and he worked part-time then he'd be the one doing everything in the house.
And maybe, if they're getting most of their stuff from charity shops, they don't have the spare cash to just replace stuff.

oh4forkssake · 26/03/2019 10:43

Doing his best? Well frankly, his best wasn't good enough then. And I have said as much to my DMIL in relation to my DH on occasion. Ridiculous nonsense.

spanishwife · 26/03/2019 10:47

I have all of our mental load

I hear that. I think many women (myself included) somehow make themselves indispensable as the family calendar, reminder, general shit do-er and it can get exhausting.

However, I try not to get angry over unintentional mistakes. I would be having a quiet and calm word about how precious that jumper was to you, and why you are so upset about it, especially considering all the things you do and the care you take. That usually sinks in a bit better.

SheeshazAZ09 · 26/03/2019 10:47

This was indeed an accident and despite being very careful with washing I have on occasion done the same with treasured jumpers. I have also accidentally 'dyed' DP's white sweatshirt pink by washing it with something red and non-colourfast. BUT whenever I have ruined someone's property, regardless of what it is or who the victim is, I have offered to replace it. He should do so if he can possibly afford it.

spanishwife · 26/03/2019 10:49

Btw OP, a really good tactic for nice stuff not getting wrecked in the wash is having a smaller basket, or even a little bag somewhere to keep these things separate. I have one for underwear, silk, cashmere etc and then nobody can accidentally ruin stuff that can't just be bunged in with the rest.

PotsOfJoy · 26/03/2019 10:52

So many people would be shocked if a woman turned around and told us she was no good at laundry. She's "no idea when it comes to all those different washing machine buttons, it's the hubby's job"

Why does everybody have to turned around??? 😡

higgyhog · 26/03/2019 10:57

I know what my DH would do. He would apologise profusely and console me if I ranted. he would then offer to buy me a new jumper to replace the one he had ruined. That is what your DH should do.

RMogs · 26/03/2019 11:02

I would be upset he had shrunk my jumper, but in his own way he was trying to help.

If you facilitate everything, he may have been trying to show you he can manage and can be helpful. Not defending him or blaming you - I also have a DH who does very little, and it's partly my fault for allowing it to continue. However it's also so much easier to just get on and do rather than nag and ask - so the circle goes on. My DH won't touch the laundry, he is too scared of ruining clothes.

theresafoxunderthedecking · 26/03/2019 11:02

accidents happen, no one is perfect but the least he can do is buy you a new one. i keep a separate bowl for delicate stuff so this scenario is less likely to happen.

zoellafortitude · 26/03/2019 11:04

I spoiled a new duvet set on the first wash recently It was much more expensive than I would usually get.

I washed it with a new dark brown bottom sheet which leaked dye. I was much angrier with myself than DH, who just said the dye leak would probably fade out over time and that it really didn't matter in the great scheme of things.

My first husband would have ranted and raved at me for that.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 26/03/2019 11:05

Thanks to effing new washing machine with no just-spin cycle, so you have to faff with 'rinse and spin', I managed to shrink to buggery - after its very first hand-wash- a lovely pure wool chunky-knit jumper which I'd bloody knitted at a cost of £70 odd for the wool.

OK, my own fault for miss-faffing with the rinse-and-spin, but these maddening things do happen.

I have a lot of sympathy, OP, but personally I'd never leave anything like a cashmere jumper in the laundry basket if there was the slightest chance of dh putting a wash on.

AdoreTheBeach · 26/03/2019 11:08

Long time married and my kids are now older. We had so many similar situations over the years, including things in dryer not supposed to, mixed colours etc.

Good solution is separate laundry baskets - especially one that is dry clean only. Very much keeps the peace.

Just remember, accidents are that. Not intentional acts to hurt, so forgiveness should really be considered. We all make mistakes.

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