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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So irritated by this but AIBU

75 replies

Dontbestupidagain · 26/03/2019 10:08

I went away last week for two nights on a school residential trip. It was voluntary rather that work but my ds was there too.
DH stayed at home with other 3 DC. It had been planned for months.
Whilst we were away DH washed and shrank my only nice cashmere jumper. It was a recent birthday present. All my other clothes come from charity shops and I don't really have nice things as they get wrecked with our very busy life. I was cross with him. This morning MIL said oh "poor DH, you shouldn't be cross with him, he was only trying his best". This has irritated the crap out of me.
I hardly ever go away. I work part-time. I have all of our mental load. Before going away I organised everything so that meals were planned, activities sorted etc. It is hard work but you know what, I manage it every fucking day. If DH went away no one would bat an eye and I would still get everything done.
I appreciate that I have totally facilitated his inability to organise but ultimately I have standards and it would stress me more that those things weren't done so I do them myself (he has some redeeming features btw).
However I really don't think it's that hard to put a load of washing on and not ruin the only bloody nice thing I have. AIBU??

OP posts:

Dramatical · 26/03/2019 11:08

Oh god, this was an accident he didn't do it maliciously did he?

I think YABU to be fuming at him for trying to get something right in a situation where you do everything usually. I get you are pissed off about that, but they are separate situations altogether.

The jumper is unfortunate, the rest of it you can fix.

Why on earth did you arrange activities for when you were away? Can he not decide what he is doing, if anything, with his own DC? From this POV it seems a tad intense and he could probably feed them without your input, but you didn't really give him the chance.

BertrandRussell · 26/03/2019 11:08

“I will never understand this ridiculously dated attitude of our mother's generation who believe that it's fine for men to be completely useless at every day tasks at home. ”
Our mother’s generation? It’s half bloody Mumsnet! I’m “our mother’s generation” and it drives me to distraction!

BertrandRussell · 26/03/2019 11:10

And an accident? All he had to do was read the bloody label! And if it was a genuine accident, like it got bundled up with other stuff or something, then he should be properly apologetic and trying to put it right.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/03/2019 11:11

A laundry accident is hardly the height of uselessness. I know very few people in real life tbat haven't at some point done similar.
As to the rest thats your choice. I bet they would have managed just fine if you hadnt left them meals ect.

Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 26/03/2019 11:15

I totally understand your frustration - and I think it's bigger than the one cashmere jumper incident (annoying though that is). If you're having to plan everything for when you're away, and your DH can't manage two days worth of the "mental load", then your issues are much bigger.

Yes, you might be enabling him by taking it on, but I have been there with a DH who just can't cope with the mental load. However, sometimes, leaving them in the deep end can be an amazing experience for both of you - he'll see how much you have to do, and you won't have the stress of it.

theresafoxunderthedecking · 26/03/2019 11:18

there are some seriously worrying potential mils being cultivated on mn, i feel for the future son ils and dils. you will be the mila being moaned about now i.e whinging, interfering, and being a general pita

theresafoxunderthedecking · 26/03/2019 11:18

*mils

Lizzie48 · 26/03/2019 11:19

I'm sorry but YABU to be fuming. I have yet to meet anyone that never has accidents with the laundry.

I don't know why you felt you had to arrange everything for him before going away. He is presumably a functional adult so should be able to take care of things whilst you're away. My DH is perfectly capable of doing so and does.

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2019 11:19

All he had to do was read the bloody label

Oh cmon. I'm assuming it was in thr laundry basket and he didn't go looking for it in her wardrobe. I don't know about you, but I shove what ever is in the basket in the machine, I don't sit and read all the labels.

I mean great if you do, but I think you'll find most people don't sit and dig through thr dirty laundry reading the labels.

theresafoxunderthedecking · 26/03/2019 11:20

that's a good point tinker why did you organise everything ? as long as the dc were fed and taken to school then collected, why all the prepping ? you are actting like dh's mother

IHateUncleJamie · 26/03/2019 11:21

I totally understand your frustration - and I think it's bigger than the one cashmere jumper incident (annoying though that is).

I agree. I do all the laundry but even I’ve accidentally shrunk a jumper. Doesn’t make me useless and incompetent and I certainly didn’t do it on purpose.

I worked pt and dh worked ft shifts so I did all the admin and “mental load” but you seem to have reached the end of your tether doing that, OP.

Yes, your DH should offer to replace your jumper and I think you need to sit down and reshuffle things so you can reach a compromise. Otherwise this resentment will just simmer away which is not ideal. It sounds like you’re focusing on the jumper which may have been the last straw but it was just an accident and they can happen to everyone.

Vulpine · 26/03/2019 11:24

I would never expect dh to read a label. I barely read them my self.

theresafoxunderthedecking · 26/03/2019 11:24

i for one would resent being treated like an idiot and 'told off' for getting something wrong by my dh, he'd be told where to go.
i always sat if you make a mistake and learn from it that that was a mistake that you won't make again.

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2019 11:27

If something needs to be washed seperarately it needs to not be put in the general wash basket, if that's where it was.

If my husband shoved something sensitive in with the general wash and I shrunk it by mistake and he got furious with me, demanded I bought him an new one and called me names, I'd put him in the fucking washing machine,

TonTonMacoute · 26/03/2019 11:27

You've just come on for a rant really, and I don't blame you I would be bloody annoyed too.

DS and DH both do their own washing, neither of them have ever washed a jumper without asking me first how to do it. Why your DH couldn't have just left it for a couple of days, who knows.

SallyWD · 26/03/2019 11:30

Yes I can see why it's very annoying and you're not being unreasonable for being upset but also it was just an accident! My mum shrank my cashmere jumper in the wash even though I'd pointed it out to her 5 minutes before she did the washing and said "DON'T wash this jumper". She forgot and chucked it in with everything else. The fact is she didn't mean to, it was an accident and she was only trying to help. You just need to forgive him I'm afraid...

BiddyPop · 26/03/2019 11:31

DH has a habit of accidentally shrinking any nice jumper I get.

So now, I only rarely buy these, and I handwash them myself (I leave them on the chair of clothes to be reworn in my room, rather than putting into the laundry hamper, as I have learned my lesson on that one - I also no longer put dresses for dry cleaning into the hamper, even if cleaners are due, as they may also disappear into the washing machine).

ConfCall · 26/03/2019 11:31

He made a forgivable mistake but there is a bigger issue here. You can't take on all household tasks and responsibilities, enabling his ineptitude, and then act the martyr. If you want him to be more useful, stop acting like his butler. There was no reason for you to mollycoddle him whilst you were away, he's a grown man. However, if you choose to behave like his mummy, you can't moan about your workload or his domestic mistakes.

You have a choice.

Steamedbadger · 26/03/2019 11:32

Yes it's an accident but he should replace it. I'd be fuming too.

LittleOwl153 · 26/03/2019 11:38

I read this thread as you were annoyed with the MIL for her comments - I certainly would be!

Given your prep work for the event meant that DH didnt actually have to think for himself I suspect maybe you have trained him to be useless - however for his mother to think you are being harsh as you are upset he ruined your new present jumper... well she clearly thinks he is an incompetent being too!!

howabout · 26/03/2019 11:40

YABU.

I was house sitting for MiL and shrank FiL's dry clean only trousers. Never even occurred to me to apologise because if they weren't meant to go in the machine with the rest of the laundry why were they in the basket.

That said if my DH did shrink my favourite cashmere he would immediately apologise and buy me a new one. I however would blame myself for having been stupid enough to have chucked it in the general laundry pile when I wasn't the one dealing with the laundry.

Not sure what else a DM or DMiL could say to smooth troubled waters other than pointing out it was an accident when someone was trying their best and hardly the end of the World.

howabout · 26/03/2019 11:42

Bluntness Far more eloquent than me.

maggiso · 26/03/2019 11:42

I imagine your DH did not see your cashmere in amongst the dirty clothes, and put it in with like colours. Smooth it over-you are upset at loosing your jumper, not at him helping. If the jumper was very costly and still available to replace, would your accidental damage insurance cover the loss? ( I always forget insurance).

FudgeBrownie2019 · 26/03/2019 11:44

YANBU to feel upset but you need to reduce that mental load you're taking on because it's going to tip you over the edge if it goes on forever. He is a functional adult, and you had to prep so that you could go away on a trip and ensure he survived without you. That's madness; the only person I ever prep for when I'm going anywhere is the babysitter we use who is the neighbours DD aged 16. Everyone else survives.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 26/03/2019 11:45

For Christmas 4 years ago I had three beautiful cashmere cardigans from DH.
I washed them all in the washing machine (had a 3 week old baby - that's my only excuse) and ruined them all.
I was sorry and cried (^baby!) and DH just said never mind.
At least DD will be able to wear them when she's 10-ish.

Accidents happen, presuming it wasn't on purpose I wouldn't be furious. Just buy one more and make sure he knows which items (wool/silk) need special washing in future. (I think it was good he tried to do a load of laundry! DH and I divide household chores but I have laundry and I don't think he's ever done more than 3/4 loads since we moved in.)

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