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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So irritated by this but AIBU

75 replies

Dontbestupidagain · 26/03/2019 10:08

I went away last week for two nights on a school residential trip. It was voluntary rather that work but my ds was there too.
DH stayed at home with other 3 DC. It had been planned for months.
Whilst we were away DH washed and shrank my only nice cashmere jumper. It was a recent birthday present. All my other clothes come from charity shops and I don't really have nice things as they get wrecked with our very busy life. I was cross with him. This morning MIL said oh "poor DH, you shouldn't be cross with him, he was only trying his best". This has irritated the crap out of me.
I hardly ever go away. I work part-time. I have all of our mental load. Before going away I organised everything so that meals were planned, activities sorted etc. It is hard work but you know what, I manage it every fucking day. If DH went away no one would bat an eye and I would still get everything done.
I appreciate that I have totally facilitated his inability to organise but ultimately I have standards and it would stress me more that those things weren't done so I do them myself (he has some redeeming features btw).
However I really don't think it's that hard to put a load of washing on and not ruin the only bloody nice thing I have. AIBU??

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 26/03/2019 11:48

I'm sure the jumpers shrinking was an accident as annoying as that is but why are you organising meals and all that stuff before going?

BertrandRussell · 26/03/2019 11:51

“I think it was good he tried to do a load of laundry!“
Oh ffs!

sillysmiles · 26/03/2019 11:51

Honestly, if I had something delicate to wash I wouldn't leave it in the laundry basket with everything else - and my OH does 95% of the laundry - so it's not that he is incompetent but I would assume anything in the basket can go into the standard wash.

I would be annoy about you MIL commenting on it and I would be annoyed about bearing the mental load for everything. But those are separate issues.

BertrandRussell · 26/03/2019 11:54

“I would be annoy about you MIL commenting on it ”

So you would be annoyed at the mil saying exactly what you’re saying? Right......

Hotterthanahotthing · 26/03/2019 11:54

Accidentally was all his whites with a red sock and if he and his mother are OK with that then let it go!

sugarbum · 26/03/2019 11:55

I understand where you're coming from OP. I'm pretty much in the same position as you. I have all the mental load, plus most of the practical load as well. DP is hopeless at it. He does clean, and occasionally he will make the kids packed lunches all of his own accord.

I'm going away for a long weekend in a couple of weeks. I'm trying not to micro-manage him, but I do leave a list to remind him who has what party when and where. I've also organised the extra childcare to cover when I can't collect them.
As far as feeding and entertaining them though, its up to him.

I've told him not to bother with washing other than the kids swimming and football kits, and left (illustrated) instructions. Because he's f*cking hopeless with anything that has more than 3 buttons.
I've also told him NOT to use the tumble dryer for any of it. He would inevitably shrink or burn something.

I would say at least your DH tried to do the washing, so you're unreasonable to have a go at him for this. It was an accident that he shrank your jumper. You do need to take a bit of a step back. I totally get you that if my DH went away, no-one would bat an eyelid though. Yet if I go away, DH just resorts to spending sht loads on toys and crp to keep them out of his hair...

pelirocco123 · 26/03/2019 11:57

I make sure I hide what needs to be washed on a delicate cycle , other wise anyone else would just pick it up with the rest of the wash .If you had put it in with general washing , its bound to get washed on a normal wash

Drogosnextwife · 26/03/2019 11:59

Well I've ruined quite a few things in the washing. Sure it was a mistake. As for him not helping out very much, tell him he does it or he needs to leave, it's not a hotel.

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/03/2019 12:06

Get him to replace it..... not difficult...

Drum2018 · 26/03/2019 12:06

Get over it. It's your own fault if you take on the lions share of the housework, organising kids etc. You have facilitated him being useless. Show him how to read a label so he knows for again and make sure he is pulling his weight all the time, not just while you are away. You can have as many standards as you wish but unless you share these standards with Dh you can't very well berate him when he doesn't meet them.

winsinbin · 26/03/2019 12:16

I have been a SAHM mum for many, many years. I do all the housework/laundry etc because that’s what DH and I agreed would work for our family unit (his salary was roughly 10 times mine when we had children). I would say that over the years I have become an expert at most matters home and cleaning related but even so I still occasionally shove a cashmere jumper in with a 40 degree wash (DD brcause they conveniently shrink to her size) or a red sock in with the whites. Accidents happen to all of us and they probably happen more often if you haven’t had much experience in any given area.

Forgive and forget OP.

BadPennyNoBiscuit · 26/03/2019 12:20

How have people reached tho conclusion that OP hasn't tried to show her DH how to do housework, or that the cashmere jumper was in the laundry basket?

Fluffiest · 26/03/2019 12:35

I get the disappointment of your only nice thing being spoiled. For me, the question is what will make things better from where you are now?

You being angry at DH or MIL won't make it better even if your anger is justified.

I suggest:

seek to replace the jumper. If you can't afford it now then save up or ask for it for next birthday. It's OK to have a nice thing.
don't give up on trying to get DH more involved on the mental load. It's not good for your mental health to be living in constant resentment and frustration at your other half.

Can I suggest this blogger for some practical advice? I think she talks a lot of sense without expecting women to be push overs.

tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/06/stop-arguing-about-chores/

WhatchaMaCalllit · 26/03/2019 12:55

I'd be having words with the MiL - the only reason her beloved son is only trying his best is because she clearly didn't get him to read the care labels and teach him how to do laundry properly.

YADNBU in this case OP. I would expect him to replace the jumper with another that he has to pay for out of his money.

I would get a list of all of the care symbols on clothes and print them out nice and large for him to follow, laminate them (or pop that into a plastic pocket) and sellotape it to the wall beside the washing machine/tumble dryer. It will help when your children are also of an age that they can put on their only laundry washes too. Then don't respond or give any further headspace to any questions being asked about laundry. Your DH is an adult and should be doing adult things like the laundry without mucking it up for anyone. Completely understand if the machine goes faulty and starts eating clothes but this isn't that. This is just someone not reading a care label on a garment and not caring about the clothes.

cochineal7 · 26/03/2019 12:58

marvellousnight that is a brilliant link! Wish I knew of it before.

Ribbonsonabox · 26/03/2019 12:59

It's an accident so YABU to carry on being cross with him..
But YANBU to get him to take on a bit more responsibility for home life stuff and actually teach him how to use the washing machine properly and to expect him to then use it properly from then on...

swingofthings · 26/03/2019 13:06

You both have define roles, rightly or wrongly, housework has fallen upon you. How would you feel if was self employed, went away with one of your kids and he asked you to deal with his customers during these days. He leaves you clear dire tion as to what to do but when he comes back, find that you sent the wrong thing to one customer. OH has a massive go, tells you that you are useless and expect you to pay for the item? Most likely he would be considered abusive.

If the breakdown of roles are unbalanced, then tackle this issue but don't have a go at him messing up doing something you normally do something which if it mattered so much to you, you could have prevented by keeping the jumper somewhere he would never have flthought of considering putting in the washing machine.

BertrandRussell · 26/03/2019 13:14

“I'd be having words with the MiL - the only reason her beloved son is only trying his best is because she clearly didn't get him to read the care labels and teach him how to do laundry properly.”

Tell this is a joke. Please tell me this is a joke?

Drogosnextwife · 26/03/2019 13:57

I'd be having words with the MiL - the only reason her beloved son is only trying his best is because she clearly didn't get him to read the care labels and teach him how to do laundry properly

Well if you can't blame the wife blame the mother eh?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 26/03/2019 14:00

Hi OP

I think theres two separate issues - the jumper is an accident, even if someone is great at washing they can still make mistakes and overlook things. I love cooking, I'm a good cook, and I still burn things sometimes especially if the kids are around and I'm distracted.

The main issue seems to be the dependence on you and you having to leave instructions for him. It sounds like you're frustrated he doesn't do his share in the house? Have you spoken to him about it and him taking on more of the mental load?

Lizzie48 · 26/03/2019 14:52

I'd be having words with the MiL - the only reason her beloved son is only trying his best is because she clearly didn't get him to read the care labels and teach him how to do laundry properly

^Always it has to be a woman who is responsible. It can't possibly be the case that the man made a stupid mistake??

WhatchaMaCalllit · 26/03/2019 21:41

@BertrandRussell - Nope. Not a joke.
@Drogosnextwife - I've read countless posts on MN where posters have complained that DH/DP is useless at X chore and the responses I've read have been in the vein of "Well, if he had been shown how to do it before he moved in with you/before you got married, he wouldn't be useless at it" or "perhaps he is only useless at X chore because he doesn't want to do it. Do it well, you'll be asked to do it again. Do it badly, you'll never be asked to do it again". He may have decided to go down the path of the latter here. I'm not apportioning blame to the MiL entirely here but as she was the one who made the comment to the OP, then she should have some of the responsibility of perhaps not showing her son how to use a washing machine, read care labels, follow washing instructions, no??
@Lizzy48 - a mother is responsible for helping to rear her son isn't she? Just as she would be for a daughter too? Just as a father would be. The FiL didn't make the comment to the OP, it was the MiL. Isn't this one of the responsibilities of passing on a skill to her son? Her son ruined the OP's jumper so that is the viewpoint/position I'm looking at the situation from.
I'm not anti women. I'm not about "women's work" and "men's work" and going down that particular rabbit hole. It's just an impression I got from the opening post and my thoughts about it.

Drogosnextwife · 26/03/2019 21:58

Isn't this one of the responsibilities of passing on a skill to her son?

What, reading a label on a jumper? No I would say that probably comes with common sense when you become an adult. I don't remember my mother ever showing me how to do a washing, I still manage every day but I've still managed to ruin a few bits of clothing.

GPatz · 26/03/2019 22:08

He can't win - does the washing & makes a mistake, gets grief, doesn't do the washing gets grief.

Well, practice makes perfect.

Lizzie48 · 26/03/2019 22:10

I don't think my MIL trained my DH to do the washing. She just did it. But he's actually very good at it. Because he lived for years on his own, and obviously he needed to dress appropriately for work, and that means making sure his clothes are clean.

A washing machine isn't that difficult to figure out, surely??

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