To not want MIL to stay on Mother’s Day

[TomorrowsDiet]

For background, DH is an only child and his mother has been single for the past 30 years. She is very hard work. Unfortunately, there is no FIL/BIL/SIL to share the burden.

The primary issue is that she stays for at least 3 nights every month!! The minute she arrives, she doesn’t stop talking. This trait alone would be fine, except that it is nearly all complaining about everyone she has encountered over the previous few weeks (neighbours/workmen/waiters/hairdresser etc).

She’s also hard of hearing (so if I mention something directly to DH when she’s in the room, she wants to know all of the background and gets me to repeat myself constantly).

She also expects to be waited on and is passive aggressive about it (e.g. says aloud to the room containing only me and a baby “just wondering if anyone is going to pour me a glass of wine”). Last visit, I made snacks for my DDs and she got offended that I didn’t ask her if she wanted a snack. When I told her that she never snacks between meals, she said that she doesn’t actually want a snack, but she wants to be asked if she wants a snack. FFS!!

We currently live 45 minutes away. I’m thinking that we need to move further. In the meantime, she’s invited herself to stay this weekend (Mother’s Day). I know she’s a mother too, so maybe I can send DH to her house instead.

AIBU to want to celebrate an enjoyable Mother’s Day just with my own children without her? She already monopolises every Christmas and birthday for the past 12 years!!

Any tips on how to manage the old harridan would be greatly appreciated!

If MIL is lonely, that isn't solved by spending 3 days/month with her son and his family. She needs to deal with that herself by finding friends and building her own social life where she lives.

DH will just say “No one knows who Joan is” and the conversation moves on. Whereas, I think I get pulled into a daft conversation about conservatory windows.
That just makes you lovely OP!!!

Yanbu op. I hope you manage to get a bit of free time this weekend

Ok, so perhaps you need to bombard her with information on
hearing aids
local WI groups to her
WRVS near her
U3A groups near her
friendship groups near her - that she could either be volunteer for or benefit from them
Retired person's exercise groups local to her
Reading groups, gardening groups etc etc.
She needs to make her own entertainment, and not working is very socially isolating. Point out that you will be going back to work at some time in the future, so these long stays will not work for ever.
Would she volunteer for samaritans or silverline?
Is she computer literate? Are there and courses (craft, art, pottery, sewing etc) things she could get into at local adult education?
She would have to be very hard-hearted not to appreciate all your efforts to find her new things to do , people to meet, experiences to engage with. Age Concern and CAB could be a great starting block.

If you go to her for visits, they will be easier to manage, so you go for the day (day before mothers day) so you can have MD at home - after all, you are the one doing the mothering now, she has stepped back since your DH left home, it's definitely your turn! Make monthly visits of one day up to her on a weekend the new normal. But only ever 1 day at the weekend so that DH is there (after all, he's the one she really wants to see)
Worst case - get back to work, OP.

Your dh may be her dc. But he is a fully functioning adult with his own life!!
Hope you get a medal real soon op!!

My in laws live 20 minutes away and they visit twice a year. Once around Christmas, usually after it and once in April for Ds birthday party. That’s it. We call to see them once a week for 2 hours. I could not deal with them staying here like your mil does Op but I do wish they’d make more of an effort to visit us.

YANBU. I don't get why people think the MIL's happiness is OP's responsibility! She's a grown adult, she needs to get some interests and make friends! People who talk all the time are exhausting, and OP has every right to peace and quiet in her own house, she's not running a hotel! Also, what's happened to feminism today? This is exactly the sort of nonsense that women are putting up with out some misguided sense of duty. An appropriate moment to say it's a DH problem, not a MIL problem you have OP! I would suggest MIL only comes when DH is there and make sure he is doing the work and fetching things for her.

I have so much sympathy OP. I too had a MIL like this and she would arrive on Thursday lunchtimes for a ‘weekend’ visit and leave Monday morning if I was lucky. My ex worked long hours so I would be stuck with her Thursday and Friday. I would be at the end of my tether with her constant chattering, which was usually negative and nasty and about people I didn’t know. Or thinly disguised criticisms of me and my home / parenting / family.

She drove her son mad as well and he would arrange long bike rides / games of golf on the weekends while she was staying so as to escape, leaving her all to me!

I got better at managing her (and her son!) as time went on and would sometimes send him and the children to hers for the weekend, but stay behind myself. Or make sure when she did visit that I set some boundaries. I’d tell her that Thursday ‘didn’t work for me’ and have her arrive on Friday. And told my ex he had to stick around and entertain her instead of running off doing fun things when she was staying! In fact, I then employed the same trick and would arrange a girls’ night out with mates or go to a gym class to break up the monotony. (And allow her quality time with her son!)

She does sound full on but your husband does need a chat with her and you need to explain how you feeling you would be within your right to ask if he wanted to go to her instead.

Perhaps OP wouldnt be so wound up if she didnt have to deal with the passive aggressive shite.No way would I want that rubbish in my own home.All that staying over too is ridiculous.It sounds to me like a busy family life is enough to deal with without entertaining so much too.When is OP expected to chill and relax in her own home? Its too much intrusion in your life OP...its not your responsibility...dont feel bad!

Also, I don’t have close family, so she spends every Christmas etc with us and doesn’t have to share or alternate special holidays etc.

OP have you considered going away this christmas? start a routine where you go away every other christmas and she can come the ones youre at home. same with birthdays and special events. that way she still gets to be part of things and you get time with your family.

I don't understand why someone who lives 45 mins away stays overnight except in specific circumstances eg babysitting late. We are 45 mins from mine and nip up every 2-3 weeks though mostly to help with the grandparents who are very elderly

YANBU - You are not responsible for her happiness and tbh neither is your DH. Her loneliness is her issue, definitely not yours.

My MIL is similar to this, never stops bloody talking, talks about people no one knows or cares about, rabbits on about the Royal family, constantly 'offers' to help but then says 'oh you don't need me to set the table/peel the potatoes/unload the dishwasher'. I'm lucky that DH finds her intensely annoying too so he would never let her stay more than one night, two at a push and only once or twice a year. We actually offer to go to hers for birthdays and the like, that way we can just go for a few hours and leave when we've had enough.

You definitely need to at least make yourself 'busy' on a Thursday night and all day Friday, no way should you have to entertain her by yourself!

Btw, talking about strangers must be a mil thing, mine generally tells us who has died or at a bare minimum is terminally ill - revels in it. I don't mean family or even people that dh may have a passing acquaintance of (though weary them too of course) but random people she's working for or met in Tesco!

Sounds like she would benefit greatly from having her own life, friends and hobbies!

Is there anything near her that is a group or class that she might enjoy that you could encourage her into? I bet if she had more adult interaction on non-visiting days, she wouldn't chatter quite so much when she comes to visit.

DH will just say “No one knows who Joan is”

How fucking rude.

I think there could be a generational thing going on here in terms of expectations for Mother's Day. When I was little, I'd make a card and buy some chocs for dm, but the day centred round her dm/mil. When I was a mum myself, my dcs did the same when they were old enough, and, again, the focus of the day was on the generation above. It wasn't till my dm died, aged 94, that Mother's Day was about me.

Things have changed - fair enough. But bear in mind that your mil will be hurt if you shunt her off to the sidelines, especially since she's on her own and your dh is an only child. I get that she'd irritating. But try to be kind.

If it's really too much then surely your husband needs to be doing the visiting on a sat or sun-with or without you?

When she invites herself-tell her no or shorten the visit to days that suit.

Does she arrange these visits with you or DH?

If it's with you,... I'd say 'I've got quite a bit on at the moment, its not a good time' or tell her your meeting with some mums Ibe the next few days... but could she come over the weekend instead. When your DH is around.

I get you, we had similar with my MIL.

Whenever we met up she would be glued to my side while DH wandered off on his own oblivious, and I was stuck hearing about whatever Great Aunt Susan who I had never met had had delivered from Tesco's this week.

Eventually I pointed out to DH that we were meeting her for his benefit, not mine and either he was present, or we saw her less.

Ultimately, we did a bit of both.

Your DH seems able to tell your MIL 'no-one knows who Joan is' so follow his lead. If she is arranging these visits to 'help you', why isn't she helping? Bearing in mind helping isn't holding the baby, it's putting a load of laundry on, doing some ironing and then weeding the garden.

Between you and DH you need to move her on from 'special guest status' to 'part of the family'. And if she can't do it, then visits should be far less frequent.

@TomorrowsDiet - did she come for Mother's Day? Is she still with you? Hope you're doing ok.

@WhatchaMaCalllit - sorry, only just saw this. Yes, MIL arrived Saturday lunchtime and left after breakfast on Monday. It was actually a nice weekend. DH was there the whole time and I pottered about and went out and about doing what I wanted to do. On Sunday, I had 6 hours all by my very own self whilst DH and MIL took the DC out. It was amazing haha!!

Really appreciated the advice I received on this post and will definitely follow it in future. MIL will still be coming to stay every month, which is fine and the DC enjoy her coming. But big change is that it will be only when DH is here!! And I’m no longer being the waitress. My new mantra will be “the kettle’s full, I’d love a cuppa if you’re making one” 😂

That definitely sounds like a result!!! Well done you