To not want MIL to stay on Mother’s Day

[TomorrowsDiet]

For background, DH is an only child and his mother has been single for the past 30 years. She is very hard work. Unfortunately, there is no FIL/BIL/SIL to share the burden.

The primary issue is that she stays for at least 3 nights every month!! The minute she arrives, she doesn’t stop talking. This trait alone would be fine, except that it is nearly all complaining about everyone she has encountered over the previous few weeks (neighbours/workmen/waiters/hairdresser etc).

She’s also hard of hearing (so if I mention something directly to DH when she’s in the room, she wants to know all of the background and gets me to repeat myself constantly).

She also expects to be waited on and is passive aggressive about it (e.g. says aloud to the room containing only me and a baby “just wondering if anyone is going to pour me a glass of wine”). Last visit, I made snacks for my DDs and she got offended that I didn’t ask her if she wanted a snack. When I told her that she never snacks between meals, she said that she doesn’t actually want a snack, but she wants to be asked if she wants a snack. FFS!!

We currently live 45 minutes away. I’m thinking that we need to move further. In the meantime, she’s invited herself to stay this weekend (Mother’s Day). I know she’s a mother too, so maybe I can send DH to her house instead.

AIBU to want to celebrate an enjoyable Mother’s Day just with my own children without her? She already monopolises every Christmas and birthday for the past 12 years!!

Any tips on how to manage the old harridan would be greatly appreciated!

@TomorrowsDiet

She does sound a bit demanding and needy, but it's understandable, and I have to say OP, you sound rather unkind. Poor woman has been alone for 30 years, and you cannot tolerate her for 3 days a month!

Does she know how much you dislike her?

Just do your thing with your kids, and let your DH go out with his mother. Sounds like you'd resent every second with her anyway.

And even though some people think 45 minutes drive away is not far, to some people it's a long way. My mother couldn't drive, and anywhere out of our little town (5 miles in circumference,) was MILES away, and a day trip was in order. Eg, if you live in Buxton, then a trip to Derby (33 miles, and 45 minutes,) is not much effort, but for my mother, it was a huge trip, a long way away, and she only went once a month.

Cut the woman some slack! He IS her only child. Calling her a harridan, and a burden is just cruel.

I know you would like a mothers day with just you, DH, and DC, but if you are that desperate, then next year, book the weekend away. (And see DH's mother a few days before.)

I feel sorry for the MIL she’s clearly lonely! I get she’s annoying, but it’s not for long surely you can suck it up? It’s her Mothers Day, not just yours! Your DH needs to celebrate his mother.

I think the real problem is her hijacking every special occasion. OP doesn’t get to celebrate anything just put up with getting talked at and passive aggressive comments to have her running around like a skivvy.

Life is too short to put up with people in your home making you miserable. It's not OPs fault mil has chosen to remain single. It's not her job to entertain MIl either. Best solution is to send her DH .

It doesn't sound like op is banning mil from staying it just sounds like that's what she wants on this occasion

She sounds lonely - my mum has lived alone for 2 decades and is a bit starved of adult company

Yes she does sound very irritating but also probably lonely. I bet she doesn't have many other people in her life

Well, my thinking is, why is she 'starved of adult company', or 'lonely'? Why has she chosen to not belong to things, for hobbies, for company, to volunteer, or just to be around other people ?
I'm guessing, if the OP has a baby, that her MiL isn't in her dotage, sitting housebound, unable to get out (and even if she were, that she hasn't been for the last 30 years), so if she doesn't have any friends to chat to at any other time of the month, then that is through her own decisions.

As other posters have said though, even if she did have to come for 3 nights a month, then that makes her more than a formal guest, that means she gets to put the kettle on occasionally, or do the washing up or help out in other ways. Quite frankly, even if she were a 'formal guest', then she doesn't have the right to speak to her DiL (or anyone else) they way she is.

I often defend MiLs on here, when DiLs seem to treat them differently because they are a MiL, but this strikes me as a case of this woman being rude - and I wouldn't put up with a friend doing that, or my Mother doing that, so why should she put up with her MiL doing that ?

I think you're going to have to make do this mother's day, but I do think you need to get your DH on side. Tell him that his mother doesn't need to stay for 3 days every month. She doesn't even need to stay for 1 but you would understand that if she arrived at 3pm and wanted to have dinner, that going home later to an empty house might not be the desired thing so staying overnight would be acceptable and understandable. She is welcome to share certain family events and bank holidays but not all. You need to start setting up your own family traditions and it's quite ok for her not to be involved every month/time you want to do something as a family.

I would also make it clear to her when she arrives, she is not a guest, she is family so if she wants a cuppa, she can put the kettle on and make her own. If she wants a snack, they are in the kitchen and she can make one/take one. If she wants a drink, they're in the fridge. She is not being waited on hand and foot as she is family. She mucks in or if that doesn't suit her, you'll help her get her stuff together and drop her home.

She sounds lonely that she wants to stay for 3 days but she sounds like a duchess that wants to be waited on while she visits. It should be easy enough to nip that part in the bud.

Best of luck!

To all those saying they feel sorry for the MIL... The problem the OP has described is that the MIL is totally domineering what should be special time forming her own memories as a mother.

Every birthday, Christmas, mothers day... I mean, when does the MIL plan to step back and say "it's time my DIL got to do things as she wants on this special occasion"... It sounds like never.

MIL got to play mother as the mum, now she's the grandma and still dictating the show.

When and where does it end?

at she doesn’t actually want a snack, but she wants to be asked if she wants a snack.

Send DH to stay with her for mothers day, call it quality time for him to spoil her, enjoy your MIL free weekend. Even better send DH with the DC and enjoy a weekend to yourself.

You are being harsh TomorrowsDiet. Your MIL can't be all bad considering she raised your DH on her own for so long. I hope your DH has more respect for his mother than you do.

I don't understand why MIL feels the need to stay at all. Her son has his own family. Let them live their lives. By all means meet for lunch or dinner for a catch-up, but stop staying over and expect to be waited on. No wonder DIL doesn't like her.

Just a thought OP. As she stays so very often already and she seems to have little in the way of friendships/stimulation in her own life - is there any likelihood that she's hoping to move in with you all? After all it would be so convenient for her - no? And she's already there so often/got her own room...

Hi - thanks all. I haven’t run. I’ve only just finished tidying up the kitchen and getting washing done ready for school.

None of this was an issue before DC, as I was working, so didn’t see her as often. Actually, she was working then, too, so busier and perhaps had more outside contact/interests.

The arrangement since DC (coinciding with her retiring and me becoming a SAHM!) is that she wants to come to “help”. I think my irritation is that her stays invariably cover 2 weekdays when DH is at work (he’s never home before 8pm), so she’ll arrive Thursday morning and stay till Sunday morning, for example. During that time, she exclusively hangs around me, rather than him. After I’ve got the DC to bed and tidied the kitchen, she will insist on talking through any tv programme etc when I’d really just like some quiet. If I read a book, she constantly asks questions about it!!

Totally get PP’s point about 3 days a month isn’t much to spend with your child. The thing is I’m not her child. I need to take a leaf out of DH’s book, so for example, at dinner recently, she’ll start talking about “Joan from 2 doors down is having an orangery built and it is different to a conservatory because xyz”. DH will just say “No one knows who Joan is” and the conversation moves on. Whereas, I think I get pulled into a daft conversation about conservatory windows.

Anyway, she’s much more hard work than she used to be. I’m tired too with an ebf baby, so definitely feeling less tolerant.

Also, I don’t have close family, so she spends every Christmas etc with us and doesn’t have to share or alternate special holidays etc.

Great suggestions on here. DH is going to take the DC out on Sunday morning and take MIL with them. I’m going to stay home, alone yay!! And then see them for a late lunch. I’ll also go out on Saturday to run an urgent errand or chore or something!!

And future visits will need to be fully on a weekend. DH can then be here the whole time

Appreciate the different viewpoints, thanks

I like her...get me a snack, get me a wine 😀. I'm an only child with 3 DC of my own.

Three days once a month is too much though.

It sounds like your MIL is using you (, unwillingly) as her social broadcast target.

It sounds like the OP DH doesn't have to put up with or have the same pressure on him to be there/entertain his own mum... So how is it fair for the pressure to be put on a DIL instead?

It's bonkers.

OP is not MIL's friend or obligation, and any attempt to guilt her into a duty to deal with this MIL is basically saying women should just take on the burden of a ride, obstinate, lonely old woman whilst the woman's own son gets to avoid any similar guilt/obligation! Madness and a massive double Standard!

I feel for you OP. I have a similar MIL and only child DH. No FIL anymore unfortunately and MIL is also an only child! I mean I have considered buying in family members...

This Mother's Day I'm sending him to her. I just can't take having her here... I know I should be nice about it but it's every holiday etc

I should feel guilty and I do... but not enough. We all need our own lives.

OP I sort of get where you’re coming from, my MIL is dull company and is also hard of hearing, so conversation can be tiresome. My DH long ago sussed that no ‘ entertaining’ was required aside from handing her a glass of wine at around 6,30pm
But after 30 odd years I’ve mellowed and realised that she’s just a woman too, just like me, who happens to love the same person ( and people) that I do, so now I’ve stopped expecting her to be a combination of Mary Berry, Michelle Obama and Victoria Wood.
One day we may all be thought dull company too, to other people, something to look forward to imho!

Is it really so awwful that she wants to chat to you about a TV programme or book? Maybe she's just trying to take and interest and make conversation with her son's wife?

MaFleur
how is that nasty comment helpful exactly?

Bloody hell three days a month and I'd be tearing my eyeballs out!!!

I don't understand why some people think that it's automatically DILs fault for being unwelcoming? I desperately wanted to like my MIL and really went out of my way to include her and invite her to things, but like OP's MIL she was passive aggressive, talked non stop over the top of you plus she criticised literally everything and was never wrong. She died 2 years ago and although I am very sad for my husband and my children, I don't miss her a bit.

Being old, lonely or generous in the past is no excuse to be rude and overbearing.

OP good luck with putting some boundaries in and have a lovely Mother's Day.

I totally get that you feel smothered. I think you need to

1. Stop being a slave to her needs. If she passive aggressively asks for a wine-

“I’m just settling/cleaning up/sorting out x, if you are getting yourself a wine can you please pour me one too. Do you remember where the wine glasses are?”

1. Have a talk to your DH. He is to take his share of entertaining his mother when she stays. If you have entertained her all day Friday while he is at work, it’s his responsibility to entertain her Saturday.

1. Take long baths 🛁. Enjoy the alone time with your book

1. Get out of the house for an organized hobby- run/library/shopping

1. Make the most of grandma visiting. Why don’t you and hubby have a date night one night that she visits?

You lost me at “old harridan”.

How would you feel about someone talking about your DM, or you in the future, like this?

I think she's trying to demand guest privileges whilst being past that point. If you're staying that long,that regularly, you're totally capable of getting your own wine etc.

I also think OP wants some family one time around special occasions. That's okay surely? She's not suggesting MIL never visits.