To not want MIL to stay on Mother’s Day

[TomorrowsDiet]

For background, DH is an only child and his mother has been single for the past 30 years. She is very hard work. Unfortunately, there is no FIL/BIL/SIL to share the burden.

The primary issue is that she stays for at least 3 nights every month!! The minute she arrives, she doesn’t stop talking. This trait alone would be fine, except that it is nearly all complaining about everyone she has encountered over the previous few weeks (neighbours/workmen/waiters/hairdresser etc).

She’s also hard of hearing (so if I mention something directly to DH when she’s in the room, she wants to know all of the background and gets me to repeat myself constantly).

She also expects to be waited on and is passive aggressive about it (e.g. says aloud to the room containing only me and a baby “just wondering if anyone is going to pour me a glass of wine”). Last visit, I made snacks for my DDs and she got offended that I didn’t ask her if she wanted a snack. When I told her that she never snacks between meals, she said that she doesn’t actually want a snack, but she wants to be asked if she wants a snack. FFS!!

We currently live 45 minutes away. I’m thinking that we need to move further. In the meantime, she’s invited herself to stay this weekend (Mother’s Day). I know she’s a mother too, so maybe I can send DH to her house instead.

AIBU to want to celebrate an enjoyable Mother’s Day just with my own children without her? She already monopolises every Christmas and birthday for the past 12 years!!

Any tips on how to manage the old harridan would be greatly appreciated!

Op I feel your pain, my Mil lives 20 mins away and stayed with us every weekend for a year after her husband died until I finally got over the guilt and put my foot down and said no more. My dh would never have put a stop to it.

It's very hard to end these arrangements once they're firmly established and you feel like a horrible person for wanting to. I was getting really depressed at not having my own space by the end and had to act. It's about finding a balance. Even now, dh will drop our arrangements at the last minute if she calls and wants company and it's only going to get worse as she gets older. I've certainly never had a mother's day of my choosing- it's always been about her.

It's hard - no-one wants family members to be lonely but there's always a compromise to be found somewhere. Be firm but realistic.

YOu need to tell your DH how you feel about her behaviour during her visits. She's not a guest in the traditional sense; she's family, and she needs to wait on her own bloody self if seh's going to insist on being there monthly when it's completely unnecessary.

Tell your DH if he feels the need to spend Mother's Day with her, he go to her house, because she won't be staying in yours. You're done letting her hog the limelight for all holidays and everyone's birthdays.

Don't move further, she'll just stay longer
I was going to say that.

What does your DH think about all that?

I would try to direct her towards as many hobbies as humanly possible, to get some kind of life of her own and give you a bit of peace!

If she is staying over every single month, it's high time to show her where the kettle/fridge and snacks cupboard are and tell her to make her own - ask her to make YOU a cup of tea next time she comes. You are not the maid.
(unless you prefer to keep her away from your kitchen...)

3 day's a month is obviously getting OP down. .if mil could think a little more about others around her she would be welcomed I'm sure.

Or if ops DH could manage her better.

Perhaps if you can break the pattern ... she may start to watch herself? She's taking your goodwill for granted.

I'll tell my DC to let me know if I turn into a crashing bore

‘Old harridan’....charming.

Perhaps she could get a cat? She would have to get home to feed it!!
Send dh to her.

Overnight.

And enjoy the peace!

Tbh, I'd cope with the annoying if she lived miles away and had to stay.
Why is she there so often if she's only 45 mins away. Tell your dh to go to her and if they refuse, make sure you go somewhere nice either with kids or on your own.

Any tips on how to manage the old harridan would be greatly appreciated!

That’s a bit mean.
Why have you put up with this for so long? Surely you haven’t just realised that she annoys you?

You'll be a MIL yourself one day having put in years of devotion and attention to benefit your child whose partner may resent your seeing him/her on 3 days in a month. Perhaps that partner will make you feel as welcome as your MIL feels.

I’m with Northernlurker too. Why is MN always so mean to certain groups notably MILs and stepmothers?
Maybe we all get a bit like that when we are old & it will come to you too OP

Loneliness doesn't entitle mil to hijack their lives!!

Maybe we all get a bit like that when we are old & it will come to you too OP

or maybe not, some guests are trying to make themselves helpful and not be in the way. Your children's house is not a hotel with staff ready to serve you - unless you are in Buckingham Palace obviously.

I have an only DS. My heart is breaking for your poor MIL, who is so obviously unwelcome and nothing but an irritation and inconvenience to her DIL.

Fuck that, the 3 days is pushing it but to expect to be waited on hand and foot, passive aggressive and rude is unacceptable.

I wouldn't mind anyone coming to stay for 3 days but loneliness does not give anyone the right to be a passive aggressive dick head.

I wouldn't want her around either and no I don't feel sorry for her. If she's like this with everyone then it's no wonder!!

In fairness it's dh mum and he could go and see her more often.
Maybe he could stay over with her sometimes.
I know there's life, work and stuff but if he's an only child he's probably all her family too.
It's not nice to just announce you are staying though, but for Mothers Day I'd say it was an acceptable time along with Christmas.
If you have sons be careful with your advice though, because they grow up and marry. You'll be mils one day.

I feel sorry for her.

Imagine if that was you in years to come. Ok she is a dose, but she sounds lonely

In those circumstances, I think i would book a meal somewhere near her house. Then have a nice morning at home, swing by and pick her up (if needed), have lunch out, spoil her, then drop her off and head home for a nice evening.
You’ll have done your duty and been kind whilst also getting to part of the day with just your children.

I would tell DH that in future he either starts staying to entertain her or she no longer stays. Def send him to hers for mother’s day.

The OP does have her MIL to visit fairly often already. I think she should have some say in when these visits happen.

Growing up my granny lived near by and came to stay frequently, she only has one son and for my mother it was not always easy.
As children we were really close to granny, there was no standing on ceremony though she just had to join in with what ever was going on.
Could she take you all out for dinner sometimes when she stays? Your DH could take her and the dc to the garden centre or out somewhere every afternoon she stays and then you get a rest.

I also feel sorry for her and I think you're dreadful for calling her names.

Another MIL thread by a poster that posts and runs.

My dm can be exactly like her but I always think if I had nobody to gripe at when something went wrong I'd probably store them all up and sound unreasonable too!! You said it yourself- mothers day is family time. You're all her family. Sorry, but you are!

By a new poster

Why isn't her precious only-child son taking three days a month off work to pour her wine and rub her feet or whatever?