To think this friend is taking the piss, repeatedly asking to borrow

[Abgh]

I have a friend who is irresponsible with their money and she doesn't budget, instead chooses to fritter her limited income on unnessecary purchases.

I've leant her money many, many times in and have always gotten it back on her pay day but I'm starting to resent the frequent requests for £5 here and £10 here every week without fail. I feel resentful that she sees me as a source of cash when I have very little money myself, i have a child and am heavily pregnant with another.

When I was working more the amounts would be higher, she'd ask for £50-100 at a time and I happily obliged because I always received it back, but now the requests alone (although smaller) are building resentment.

I sent her £5 yesterday as she was claiming to have no food (I only had £28 in my bank)

Ater sending it via bank transfer she said thank you and that she was going to the shop to get something to eat. All fine.

This morning she messages me again saying she can't withdraw the £5 out at the shop cash point (no idea why she didn't just pay on her card) and they've stopped doing £5 withdrawas.. therefore she needs me to send another £5 so she can withdraw the minimum amount, £10.

There always seems to be a sob story, she's starving, she needs to buy painkillers, she's got no electricity, yet she wastes what money she does get on crap like takeaways, new phones, overpriced vapes. I tried not to judge but unfortunately I can no longer help but do so when her "poverty" is self inflicted and she refuses to work or budget her money.

She's very fortunate in that she lives in council accommodation which her housing benefit covers, so she doesn't have rent to pay. She also receives a council tax reduction and has minimal bills. I on the other hand live in an expensive private rent, have high outgoings and dependents.

I sent a very sharp message back to her after the second request simply saying "stop asking me for money. I'm done lending to you and the little I have is for my children"

She's taking the piss out of me, isn't she?

OP Just direct her to a foodbank and other agencies next time including suggesting she speaks to her energy suppliers. She clearly needs serious help but not your money. She appears to have no dependent children which would be the main concern.

Some people are absolutely useless when they get any money. A friend of mine borrowed £20k as they were really skint, secured against her home. She said tone ‘the loan money arrived and (her partner) didn’t even suggest going out for dinner!’ She was pissed off but I thought maybe he was just being sensible. Then she told me she was having a Christmas party and invited me (I declined) and was buying special individual baubles for her Christmas tree. If I was skibtvebough that I was taking out a secured loan of £20kni wouldn’t be horsing through it at that rate.

My sister (nc) is like your friend, it's only through mn I've discovered she is unfortunately not unique.

She burns through friendships as a result, while the current "bff" is happy to sub her lifestyle they're the best person ever and she sings their praises, as soon as they get wise to her and cut her off or they simply can no longer afford to, there's suddenly tales of awful things they've done to excuse her cutting them off as a friend, it's all their fault - and these are people who've not only loaned gave her huge amounts of money, but expensive goods, tons of babysitting (where she leaves her kids with them for days at a time and won't answer her phone), cars, caravans, computers, even houses!

She will occasionally do them favours, generally when she can sense they're starting to suss her out.

You're absolutely right to call her on it and unless she apologises genuinely and stops doing it forget her she was never really a friend then.

"She must have several of "me" who lend her money." Yep -my sister basically has 5 on the go at any one time, mum, her ex & father of her children who she knows would not see the kids go without, the "bff" that's on the way out and starting to wise up which she's sensed and prepared for, the current "bff" who's falling for it all, the next "bff" that she's training up.

Myself, brother and an uncle she used to borrow from a lot (v well off but she was really taking piss) have cut her off.

If she's getting paid fortnightly it's unlikely she's on UC. I'm on legacy benefits and they're paid fortnightly. Given the other info I'm guessing she must be on ESA which means there's a health issue at play, and yes some conditions mean people don't budget properly or they just don't know how to but that's not your problem, there are agencies and websites she can go to, you could even (if you wanted to absolutely not saying you have to) sit and do a budget with her.

She will likely be on the same benefits as me - housing benefit, ESA, DLA or pip. But there's slightly different levels depending on the health issues etc. But I and millions of others (for now anyway) manage by setting and sticking to a budget. By not living beyond your means.

I absolutely don't agree with benefit bashing of course but I do think it's out of order if you're on a tight budget wasting money on luxuries and smoking/vaping, alcohol, takeaways are luxuries.

Her budget is not your problem on an individual level. Sounds like you're on a tight budget yourself and need your money for your family. That's what you need to keep in mind.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that just because she's a nightmare on this aspect means she is in full good health otherwise. There are several mh conditions that mean their sufferers aren't good at budgeting/are prone to excess spending/can't visualise the future. BUT the onus is on them to engage with treatment & support to manage this.

I have mental and physical health issues, all of which are invisible and when I'm doing "better" (currently housebound) but still unable to work outside the home I can easily seem "perfectly able to work" according to people who don't know me well enough and with no expertise in my conditions.

Just because someone is ill doesn't make them an angel nor a devil.

I had a friend like this, we aren't friends anymore for this reason. It got to the point if I couldn't lend her money, she would ask me to ask DH or other family members.

Erm say NO!

Our NDN keeps asking to 'borrow' money. The last time my husband told her he didn't have any, she suggested he went to the bank!

I'm sorry if I came across as benefits bashing, I'm not intending to. I've had to rely on benefits so I'm nobody to judge, not that I do in general.

My feelings towards her and how she spends her money stems from two years of continually bailing her out, sometimes to the detriment of myself, whilst she continues to fritter her money away and splash out on things that I could ill afford myself.

After working FT im now a SAHM for the next 12-18 months. It's a move me and DP have had to make very reluctantly because of the astronomical costs of childcare (we have a 14 month old and I'm due our second next month)

As it stands, we live off not much more than 70 per week ourselves which we budget for food, travel and utilities. He works full time, extremely hard, but almost his entire wage is swallowed up by our £1k per month rent and repaying a loan he took out to get us this property. I'm not entitled to benefits of my own due to him working, so what little government support I do get is solely for the DC.

We struggle alot and she knows this, it's entirely possible that she has more disposable than we do. In fact I'm certain of the fact.

She doesn't have to pay rent or high outgoings whereas ours are huge, and we have the DC to pay for too.

It upsets me that she knows our situation but continues to apply pressure via emotional blackmail, whilst wasting her own money on luxuries such as vapes she doesn't need and takeaways.

All my clothes come from the charity shops, as have %80 of our unborn babies. We've bought everything second hand, rarely treat ourselves to anything whatsoever and then there she is treating herself every time she gets paid then asking me for money.

We genuinely struggle some weeks but I wouldn't dream of asking any of my friends to bail me out, at least not on a regular basis.

Taking it in turns to buy coffees etc fine, but i would never have the audacity to rely on a friend to the extent she tries to with me.

She really is a massive CF.

Again, apologies if it looks as though I'm benefit bashing. I promise I have no ill will toward ESA, DLA, PIP claimants.

I won't pretend to know the ins and outs of her mental health but in all of the time I've known her she's never mentioned anything about mental health struggles or come across as though she suffers. I do get that many MH problems are invisible.

The thing is she's fine to go out in town drinking, throwing herself into online dating etc so she has no problem in leaving the house.

She's an attention seeker so I have no doubt that if there were something wrong she'd use it to her advantage. You should hear her when she's got toothache.

Yes, I get that it's your business in that you're not exactly flush yourself and you've watched your money going into the black hole that is your friend's chaotic spending habits so of course you'll judge her.

Like I say though, she does pay you back so it's not like she's ripped you off and it's nowhere near the level that the pp's sister with a free house (!) etc is getting off people. Just take a step away from subbing, explain that you can't afford to do it because things are tight and direct her to CAB for some money advice. Tbh if she's on ESA she's likely entitled to it because it's pretty hard to claim now, and it's up to her what she chooses to disclose about her health whether to you or anyone else. Hopefully you'll be able to be friends again once you've drawn some boundaries.

I didn't want our friendship to sour to this extent, I've leant her money constantly for two years and never begrudged her because like noted she has always paid me back.

Its worn thin as my own financial situation has changed dramatically but her inclination to lean on me hasn't changed at all, despite knowing we are struggling ourselves.

If she weren't wasting her money then concocting stories to grind down my resistance to further loans then it's likely I'd be happy to lend the odd £10 here and there, if she was in a genuine emergency.

I'm not a tight person and help others when I can but she totally takes the mick.

I just couldn't fathom asking my struggling friends (with children) for money every week, it's extremely poor taste and shows no consideration for me and my family.

I regret bailing her out so often and feeding into her sense of dependence.

I have in the past offered budgeting advice but she takes offence.

Wasn't accusing you of benefits bashing more making it clear I wasn't.

Some mh conditions can make a person seem outgoing, "life & soul", spend recklessly, not plan for the future...

Mine make me the opposite! I worry sick about having enough money, enough food in etc.

Just because she'll eg milk a toothache doesn't necessarily mean she'll be open about mh issues, there's still huge stigma around these and a lot of discrimination.

"Tbh if she's on ESA she's likely entitled to it because it's pretty hard to claim now" this is true, it was never easy to claim disability benefits (contrary to some opinions) it's nigh on impossible now!

If she's rejecting budgeting advice then that's on her.

Some people are absolutely useless when they get any money.

Oh absolutely. Reminds me of this idiot person I know who won a little over £1,500 in the lottery. As it goes, it was gone within a day of her receiving it (she'd spent it all on high-end champagne at the club), and less than a week later, she was back to asking family and friends for money because she couldn't afford anything till payday. Truly amazing.

It sounds like she’s got quite reliant on the little loans, she knows she has you to fall back on so there’s no need to panic if she down to her last 10p as she can tap you up for dinner the next day.
Chances are because she keeps paying you back each time her money comes in she’s a bit short every time, and it’s creating a bit of a cycle of always needing to borrow a bit more.
I think it’s fair to push back and just say you aren’t able to loan her anything. Hopefully it’ll push her to force herself to budget, rather than falling back on you.

I had one like this, known her for a long long time would spend a ton on weed a week and then try to cadge money here there and everywhere for food, I was much better of and used to help now and again, until my son had a word and told me she was nowt but a parasite, took a lot of headspace but I managed to extract myself from her, too be honest it was easier to break up with my kids dad than her x

You did the right thing OP.

I had an ex-friend similar to yours and it started when she overspent on frivolous clothes / things she didn’t need and had to lend £80 from me. She paid it back the next month, which left her £80 short straight off but with her continued spending she asked to lend £100. The next month it turned to £140, and kept increasing. The more she lent of me, the more she left herself short the following month and so asked to lend again - whilst continuing spending money she realistically didn’t have (though the stories she would tell me were sob stories of losing money, bills being taken out double by accident etc I only found out the truth after we fell out that she’d been spending on things she didn’t need.)

In the end I only drew the line when she owed me £240 then dropped the bombshell she’d booked a spontaneous holiday (because it was such an amazing deal she couldn’t pass up and she deserved it), paid it outright using her rent money and was £490 short that month on top of the £200 she owed me.

When I told her no, I couldn’t lend her £490 and I wanted the £200 back all hell broke loose. It was my fault she was being made homeless, my fault she couldn’t afford to buy a food shop, put electric on etc. I definitely enabled it by constantly lending her the money and making her feel so confident she could overspend as I’d be there to bail her out, so fool to me.

You definitely did the right thing nipping it in the bud. That kind of lending only escalates in my experience.

She's somebody who wants the best of everything and to constantly treat herself, perhaps there is something going on behind the scenes in regards to her MH because I see no logic in her spending habits.

She took out a loan through the DWP for several hundred pounds and put in the application form that she needed to buy a new cooker and have her home carpeted because it was cold in the winter months, she already had carpets she just wanted the money for a new phone which she spent the entire amount on the same day she got it.

She's got a top of the range 3D television equipt with surround sound which I've no idea how she afforded, whereas me and DP have a second hand telly which we've had for ages. We were both working FT when we got it and didn't consider getting anything extravagant, even though we probably could have at the time. You just can't justify these things when you have such a small budget.

However, she refuses to pay for a tv licence because she thinks it's a waste of money

I'm all for people doing what they please with their own money but don't be so frivolous and then expect others to bail you out. More fool me too for enabling it for so long and I only have my self to blame for her developing such a sense of entitlement.

Other examples would be spending £15 on a travel flask to keep her coffee warm, she doesn't do any long distance walking or travelling so that was absolutely pointless.

She spends £10 on limited edition clipper lighters from the internet when you can get disposable ones for less than a quid from the shop.

Random amounts for figurine dragons that she collects for her display cabinet, other little trinkets to set about the place.

Multiple pairs of headphones for her phone, no real need for multiples it's just incase one set breaks.

A new large rug when there was nothing wrong with her current one.

£10+ on satnav type holders with suction cups so she can attarch her phone to her coffee table and use it hands free.

Spending £15+ on takeaways to qualify for free delivery so she doesn't need to walk up the road and pick it up in person.

£20+ bottles of whiskey instead of a few quid on a bottle of wine (she likes both)

Subscriptions to music and film streaming applications.

That's weird, you only have to tick a box for furniture on the dwp form these days and not explain why and what you need, and I think if you do it online you only have to say how much you want

OP you need to back away from her and her life as it sounds how she's living her life (and involving you) is upsetting you.

None of this is helping you and with the new baby coming you need all the calm you can get as you'll need your mental and physical energy to focus on your own increasing family's needs. You really don't need this amount of angst in your life so maybe you should distance yourself/going LC for a while with her as far as possible.

I don't know whether she did it online or through the post, but she took great pleasure in saying how easy it was to get the loan under the guise that it was for a new cooker and carpets.

Obviously she has to pay that back regardless, but it shows she's perfectly ok with being deceptive to get the nice things she wants.

Plus it is capped, according to circumstance, doesn't matter what you need, only a certain amount is available x

I agree I need to detach.

I was slowly phasing her out but when she contacted me to borrow money yesterday saying she had no food I let my guard down.

My anger today is because she contacted me again afterwards to ask for more money and it flicked a switch, suddenly all my tolerance has gone and I'm really annoyed with her.

Sounds like you are her 0% credit card op

You are her own personal cashpoint - her other means of obtaining funds. She knows if she keeps pressing your buttons you'll give in.

Disengage - and let her go to other sources to fund her. I'm willing to bet she'll have others or will find alternatives once you stand firm.

I had a friend like this who claimed she had no money for the landline phone or her mobile phone,she gave some sob story about having chest pains from time to time and how she wouldn't be able to ring her daughter for help, stupidity I gave her some money ,weeks later I learned she'd saved hundreds of pounds for the grand children for Christmas presents ,never again will I leaned money