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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate school.

86 replies

Areyoufree · 25/03/2019 09:19

Just had to drag my 7 year old and 5 year old to school. Both of them in floods of tears. My 5 year old perked up once he got there, but my 7 year old had to be peeled off me (they are very used to doing this by now), and my last image was of her pale, crumpled, miserable, tear soaked face staring up at me. I don't know why we do this. This is her third year of school now, and it isn't getting any better. She has good days, but I would estimate that 30-40% of the time she is miserable going in, and about 5% she is verging on hysterical. This isn't doing anyone any good, surely? Seeing as our school system isn't a good fit for all children, should we be rethinking it?

OP posts:

FullOfJellyBeans · 25/03/2019 09:21

Your poor DD and poor you it sounds horrendous. I do think you need to look into solutions either with her current school or a different school or home school. Do you have any idea why school is such a struggle? Are there anxiety issues? Social issues?

Persimmonn · 25/03/2019 09:22

Just because your child isn’t happy, we should rethink the whole system? You are allowed to home school, maybe that would suit you?

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 25/03/2019 09:24

It's hard to comment without knowing what their specific issues are and what action school are taking. Can you move schools?

Orchidflower1 · 25/03/2019 09:24

Sorry to hear your dc are unhappy.

Is it the school that doesn’t suit them?
Do they have a long day with after school clubs etc?
Have they made friends?
Do they know about your feelings towards school?
Are they happy once they are in school?

Just a few thoughts.

IceRebel · 25/03/2019 09:27

Seeing as our school system isn't a good fit for all children, should we be rethinking it?

This seems like such a massive leap. Your children don't like school so lets change the system for everyone? Surely looking at why they don't like school makes more sense, it's very unusual for all children in a family to be so upset at the thought of school.

Original poster

Areyoufree · 25/03/2019 09:27

FullOfJellyBeans She is very anxious - to be honest, we have suspected ASD since she was 4, but it's impossible to even get a referral around here. The school are really good, but things just don't seem to be improving. I would consider home schooling, but it's so hard to know whether that would be the best option. Some days she enjoys school - she does have a good circle of friends, and she loves learning.

OP posts:

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 25/03/2019 09:28

This isn't doing anyone any good, surely? Seeing as our school system isn't a good fit for all children, should we be rethinking it?

So because your 2 children are unhappy you think the issue is with the whole school system, that's bonkers. I would presume that the issue is closer to home given that both your children are finding it so difficult to go to school. Maybe they are picking up on your dislike of having to send them?

99% of children are not stressed to the point of crying about going into the classroom. After 3 years of this for one child and almost a year for your second child then surely you need to be looking at what is causing these issues. I presume the 5 year old is following their siblings lead. You need to work out why your eldest finds going to school so challenging.

Yes there are issues around our school system but this is a 100% a family problem not a school system problem.

Original poster

Areyoufree · 25/03/2019 09:28

it's very unusual for all children in a family to be so upset at the thought of school.

Is it? Genuine question. I suppose because I read a lot of school refuser groups, maybe I have a distorted view. I do think there are a lot of children falling through the gaps, because our school system is a bit one size fits all.

OP posts:

SoyDora · 25/03/2019 09:28

Seeing as our school system isn't a good fit for all children, should we be rethinking it?

No system is going to be a good fit for all children, unfortunately. It can’t be.

SoyDora · 25/03/2019 09:30

Is it? Genuine question

I can only talk from my experience but I drop my 5 year old off every morning and it is very rare to see an upset child being dropped off. That doesn’t mean there aren’t children who are struggling though, but certainly no children being prised away from their parents.

AdvancedAvoider · 25/03/2019 09:30

You can just deregister your child from school and find them a new one. I did just that, took him out of school until I could find one that was a better fit.

jamoncrumpets · 25/03/2019 09:31

Its not impossible to get a referral for ASD anywhere. It's not easy, but it's not impossible either. I would take DD to the GP and press for referral.

IceRebel · 25/03/2019 09:32

Is it? Genuine question.

It's not unusual for a child to be upset at the thought of school, it is in my experience unusual to have all the children in the house feeling that way.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 25/03/2019 09:33

Is it? Genuine question. I suppose because I read a lot of school refuser groups, maybe I have a distorted view.

Think logically how often do you see other children doing what your children do? It might be the odd few in particular those with additional needs but I don't know any families where all the children cry about going into class. Surely you see this situation is abnormal? Your youngest possibly thinks this is how he should behave because that's what his sister does but for both children to be so upset about attending is certainly not something I've ever encountered.

sashh · 25/03/2019 09:34

No system is going to be a good fit for all children, unfortunately. It can’t be.

Which is why there should be some flexibility, different types of schools for different types of children.

We do it for parents' religion so why not for other reasons.

I would be considering home schooling,

Barrenfieldoffucks · 25/03/2019 09:34

We took our daughter out and home educated for a few years for the same reason. School doesn't fit everyone all of the time. After three years out she has just gone back of her own volition, and our son has just started in yr 2.

Not all kids are ready to be away from home at the same age.

SummersOnMars · 25/03/2019 09:34

Sounds awful but there must be a root cause. I imagine your 5yo is picking up on the negativity from the 7yo.

I would recommend seeing if there is a local child therapist (if you can afford) might help identify any underlying issues and also many will run group sessions that can help with relationship building/anxiety/anger etc. Had success with our eldest in such a group.

Original poster

Areyoufree · 25/03/2019 09:41

@Barrenfieldoffucks That's really interesting - thank you for posting. Did your daughter have any trouble integrating back into school after a few years out? That's one of my worries. My daughter definitely has difficulties with socialising, and it's so hard to know whether it is better for her to have the practice, or to have time to build confidence away from school.

OP posts:

killpop · 25/03/2019 09:41

Have you discussed your ASD concerns with the school?
My youngest was/is very similar. Two years at nursery having to be peeled off me in hysterics, one year at primary school the same. Then when she reached p2, I said "you're a big girl now and get to go to school by yourself", much easier. She was eventually diagnosed with ASD at age 9. She's nearly 11 now and we still have periods of school refusal but things are much easier, though her anxiety is still a big part of her.

edwinbear · 25/03/2019 09:44

Seeing as our school system isn't a good fit for all children, should we be rethinking it?

Both my DC (Y5 and Y2) love going to school, as do all of their friends so YABU that we should be rethinking it. YANBU to be rethinking how you educate your own DC though if it's not working for them.

Original poster

Areyoufree · 25/03/2019 09:45

@killpop We have discussed our concerns, but she is always impeccably behaved at school, so doesn't come up on their radar. She masks beautifully. At home she would be incredibly explosive and violent (not any more, thank goodness), but school saw a calm, happy, perfectly behaved child. I think they are of the mindset that it's just the drop off that is hard for her.

OP posts:

Allfednonedead · 25/03/2019 09:50

Just posting to remind me to pop back later with words of support. Of my 3 DC, two are like this. One has ASD, the other awaiting evaluation.

FullOfJellyBeans · 25/03/2019 09:50

I was wondering whether it might be asd. Do you have the funds for a private assessment or occupational therapy. If you suspect asd I would look for resources for girls with asd just to see if it helps.

For what it's worth op you're right are school system is inflexible and there are children (particularly high functioning asd) for which our school system doesn't really work.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 25/03/2019 09:51

No, it was entirely her choice and suggestion. She came out in yr 1 and re-entered year 4.

We had kept in touch with a few kids from her class which helped. She was never a confident child socially, would not like going to groups or activities. Took nearly 6 months to want to stay at Beavers when she was 6, for example. Wouldn't join in a tennis class even with me watching etc etc.

So she came out, and we spent a few years just hanging out, she started riding again and eventually started spending a few full days a week at the stables helping out. I think it was that that helped her realise that she could be away from me and the home without anything bad happening, and led to her asking about school again.

She was fine going back, had a wobble for about a week after a fortnight or so because she missed me at various points in the day but she got past that. She finds it hard at times sitting still as much as is required, but she is a model student by all accounts and has a great attitude to learning. Her reading is at age expectation, and she's excelling in maths. Apparently her spelling is a bit behind, which would be because she never really learned phonics per se but she's catching up there.

Our son 'missed' pre school, reception and year 1. He wanted to start school having seen his sister enjoying it, and is having a whale of a time. He too never wanted to be away from home, but after a hard few weeks he settled fine.

At the moment she will have all sorts of negative associations with school. How are they with her? We found that with our son, he wanted to go but had various points in the day where he missed me and so he would not want to go because he wanted to avoid those moments. Once he got past that he was ok

minisoksmakehardwork · 25/03/2019 09:53

I have 4 dc, with 2 school refusing. However, once in they are generally happy. Both have additional needs and one is on Sen support for academic work. The other has issues with social skills in school.

The biggest help to getting them into school without tears, tantrums, clinginess and running away was school getting on the same page as us.

Ds1 goes in for sensory circuits every morning. It's been a great soft step to get him through the door without issues. I know the school entrance is still an issue for him as whenever circuits is cancelled we go back to school refusing. If they put an alternative in place then he is fine.

Dd2 didn't get on with circuits, she refused to participate. So her teacher and the senco decided to give her a morning job instead. It might be as simple as putting books on tables or sharpening the pencils, but she looks forward to going in to do her job and we no longer have to wrestle a crying, thrashing child in the door. She skips in quite happily after a kiss and a cuddle.

Ds1 has adhd and we suspect asd. Dd2 believed adhd.

Unfortunately when school see a good and compliant child it is much harder to get your experience across. Luckily when we moved schools, the senco picked up our concerns and agreed! (The old school felt it was an attachment/parenting issue).

All I can suggest is write everything down. Email the senco to create a paper trail and ask for an early help assessment to be done.

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