To hate school.

[Areyoufree]

Just had to drag my 7 year old and 5 year old to school. Both of them in floods of tears. My 5 year old perked up once he got there, but my 7 year old had to be peeled off me (they are very used to doing this by now), and my last image was of her pale, crumpled, miserable, tear soaked face staring up at me. I don't know why we do this. This is her third year of school now, and it isn't getting any better. She has good days, but I would estimate that 30-40% of the time she is miserable going in, and about 5% she is verging on hysterical. This isn't doing anyone any good, surely? Seeing as our school system isn't a good fit for all children, should we be rethinking it?

For those unable or unwilling to use google and are derailing the point of the OP, here’s something to start you off:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2018/jun/23/schoolchildren-facing-mental-help-epidemic

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/education-44083625

There are a number possible issues identified as contributing factors, nobody suggests it is just our education system but it is part of the puzzle and exam stress is cited. Considering children spend most of their time at school, it shouldn’t be controversial to discuss its impact. Teachers themselves raise it as a factor.

without doubt at least partially responsible for the huge increase and is certainly not just a force for good.

Absolutely agreed. But telling an adult to google for info, articles and studies, regarding a topic that’s been widely discussed, doesn’t really have anything to do with children and social media, and internet porn dangers.

Jessica: Our youngest son is in IGCSE term now. Yes, of course there’s a degree of stress, as there is throughout life, but a good school helps it’s students to manage that and the majority do. There will always be some who can’t cope with it so well, who may go on not to cope with the stresses of life generally, and perhaps more specialised, targeted help for them is a better approach than changing the entire system?

Because I’m not sure what the alternative to exams at the end of their years of studying would be? There has to be some way of assessing their attainment at various stages during their education and I can’t see what else would do this as efficiently as exams?

Ah this sounds really tough op.

Like you, if my dd hated school I wouldn’t hesitate to pull her out, but it’s so difficult when they seem to like it when they get there, but just hate the drop off. I have no idea what to suggest, but I really do sympathise.

I’d do HE in a heartbeat if I thought it was the best thing for our family. There’s a lot a don’t like about the education system and a few friends and relatives are / were teachers. They can be very critical of our education system and one of them said if she had her children now (she’s 70) she would home educate.

Langrish

I doubt anybody would suggest to do away with exams entirely. I’m certainly not. As for ‘changing the entire system’, well systems are altered and changed with time in response to our changing world. A good system should at least. If most schools were doing an effective job, and had the support and funds needed to do that, we would not have this problem- did you read the links inc the one with concerns from teachers? It’s teacher’s that are leading this conversation. It isn’t just ‘some’ struggling, it’s significant. Rather than have students struggling through life, I think we owe it to them to provide a system that adapts to their needs and changes if significant damage is witnessed. I can’t really understand why anyone would argue change is needed in light of what teachers and experts in mental health are saying.

I teach the students emerging from the school system at university level and we are seeing an apocalyptic increase in mental health problems, exam melt downs and a massive decrease in any sign that students want to learn for the sake of learning anymore.

I wouldn't want my child exposed to such a toxic environment, especially for girls, who can expect to be harassed and subjected to misogynistic language day in day out. Which is why we home educate.

I also agree with jessica that you have to change and update a system that is shown to be causing harm.

Its worth bearing in mind that the school system people are defending is so bad at meeting the requirements of individual children that the average outcome actually depends on what month your child was born in.

That's not a mostly okay system that happens to not cope well with a tiny minority of outliers, that's a system that can't cope with the astonishing information that just turn 5 yos aren't as developed on average as nearly 6 yos. Rocket science it ain't!

I feel for you OP

My oldest just could not get on with school, age 5-10, he struggled academically and socially, was on 3 different IEPs and tesed for dyslexia.

Youngest had to be peeled off me and some days I would hear him cry long after I dropped him off(hovering by the school gates, feeling like a crap mum)

With the youngest, I was lucky that in y1 the teacher took charge and said this can't continue. We agreed a very structured/managed drop off every day, and that sorted it.

My oldest just was not ready for school until he was about 10, then he suddenly clicked and caught up (academically and socially) with the rest of his year group Just like that.

Both are bog standard teens now at the local comp

Can you ask the teachers for serious help with a managed drop-off?

Jessica: No I haven’t read them yet, but I will, thanks.
I suppose it’s entirely subjective and personal. we’ve been lucky, ours have done pretty well in the system as it stands so my views are obviously coloured by that. The only issues we’ve ever had (over 23 years in the system) have been around so called “reforms”, the latest being our son as a guinea pig in the new IGCSE marking scheme, which half of the school staff still don’t seem to quite understand! So I suppose I’m wary of “reforms” based on that.
Our daughter, adult now, struggled with anxiety and was helped with CBT but none of us believe that was anything to do with School. Maybe because she was academically able, it actually seemed to gave her a positive focus and structure.
Anyway, I do appreciate that everyone’s circumstance is different and some others really struggle and I don’t know what the answer is for the OP in Her distressing situation. But people suggesting homeschooling seems too drastic to me.

Funny they do sound alike!

Other things to try: any kind of ritual or other thing she can focus on/do to get her through the transition. Maybe you can talk about it together and come up with something? We use a "hug button" but my DD is younger so your DD may not fancy that. I know some autistic kids go into the class room and help the teacher set up first thing, so they aren't just milling about/in the mellee of other kids screeching and racing around. Or she might like some of the grounding techniques if she finds panic rising at that time of day (e.g. www.urmc.rochester.edu/behavioral-health-partners/bhp-blog/april-2018/5-4-3-2-1-coping-technique-for-anxiety.aspx)

It does sound like assessments could be a good idea, but there is lots you can do before then - especially if the school are supportive (e.g. to thinking more about the sensory environment: sounds, lights - e.g. does DD sit looking into glare - predictability, having a quiet space to "get away" if needed, social supports - e.g. lunchtime clubs that are less overwhelming like a coding club, puzzle club, writing club, something like that) but even if they're not hopefully there are things you can work on with your DD as a team to make the transition easier.

Two out of three of my DC have gone through long phases of this. As I said previously, one has been diagnosed and we've asked for a referral for the other for ASD (not because of the school drop-off issue).

Various things have helped at different times.

A TA who made it her job every day to welcome DS and have a job for him to do at the start of the day.

A transitional object for DS to get interested in when he was upset (in his case, a pair of binoculars)

Getting up earlier and giving more warning about when we were going to leave for school.

A visual schedule of the morning, from getting up to starting class.

Talking through what happens at school each morning and discovering that DS had difficulty with the first lesson. I then talked to the teacher and we arranged an accommodation for him.

Being firm and consistent that this is happening - not sticking around longer than necessary.

At one point I had to give up volunteering in an adjacent classroom because it unsettled DS.

Introducing melatonin in the evenings to support sleep has had the additional benefit of reducing anxiety and stress, making the transition easier.

As you may deduce, no single solution has been a final answer, because with ASD, transitions are always tricky, so every time there is a new source of stress, old problems re-emerge.

We've been very lucky with a brilliantly supportive school and SENCO, who have never needed a diagnosis to put in place the support our DC need, but it is very worthwhile getting that diagnosis.

Until then, trust your instincts. There's no harm in parenting them as though they do have ASD - it just means being a bit more careful to make sure their anxieties are acknowledged, which is good parenting anyway.

Feel free to PM me if you want - I come from a whole family of schoolphobes, so I'm very sympathetic to this whole side of SEN issues.