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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to bail on my boyfriend's mum's birthday

43 replies

Eeysgirl · 24/03/2019 21:30

So a bit of background. I'm 30. My boyfriend and I have been together since November 2017 but things are a bit complicated as I'm still waiting for my ex to agree to a divorce. I'm also waiting for an operation this year. My boyfriend knows that I really desperately want a baby but because of the operation and the divorce he doesn't think it's the right time yet, although he says he 100% wants us to have kids. In the past year three of my close friends have given birth, as has a colleague and now two more good friends are pregnant. He decided to tell me in a phone call as I was driving, and was staying away for work that his brother's girlfriend is pregnant. I didn't even know they wanted kids. She's always been presented to me as really career focused. I've never met her or his brother (I'm really shy and nervous about meeting them) but have met his parents quite a few times. It is his mum's birthday in May and I'd said I'd go to her birthday treat which is dinner at a steakhouse (I don't eat meat) and a theatre show. I wasn't especially looking forward to it, as it's not things I like and I was anxious about meeting the rest of his family, but I knew he'd want me to go. Now I've found out about their pregnancy I just really don't want to go at all. I just feel so upset and worried that it will never be me. I don't want to put a downer on things but I just don't feel like I could play happy if I went. I just want to bury my head in the sand. He's saying I'm selfish and should put my feelings aside for his mum's birthday. It's not like I'm saying he shouldn't go, he deffo should, just it's really not something I want to do or feel comfortable going to. Aibu?

OP posts:
Nnnnnineteen · 24/03/2019 21:34

Sorry yes I think you are. I get the wanting a baby bit but you've only been together just over a year and you aren't yet divorced. Sort out the current stuff then focus on the next set of goals.

kingfisherblue33 · 24/03/2019 21:35

You’ve only been together 18 months. You’re only 30. It’s not like you’ve been ttc for years and are having problems. You’re not even divorced yet! No wonder your p wants to slow down.

You sound selfish and self-obsessed. If you’ve never met your p’s brither’s girlfriend, how on earth would you know if they were ttc or not? It’s not a race or a competition.

You should go to your p’s mum’s bday. Check the steakhouse has veggie dishes. It’s her bday - she gets to choose where to go! Suck it up and perhaps grow up.

CantWaitForSpring1 · 24/03/2019 21:38

Honestly? Yes, YAB a bit U . You aren’t even divorced yet so I’m not surprised your BF doesn’t want to rush into having a baby, no matter how much he loves you. If this were the other way around MN would be advising the woman to wait until the BF was completely free to commit fully to the new relationship. Also, you’re only 30 - there is so much time yet to have a baby of your own. Don’t upset his mum over this - it isn’t her fault. You’ll just have to act the way you do around your pregnant friends for the evening. You can do it!

GoldenHour · 24/03/2019 21:38

I'm sorry but YABU. You've not even been together 2 years and are married to someone else and getting unreasonably jealous of other pregnant women to the point you need to avoid certain social situations? That is beyond irrational. Your relationship doesn't sound ready for a baby, you should be investing this time in getting to know your boyfriend and his family, you haven't even met his brother yet and you're jealous of his gf?! I know emotions aren't rational, but you need to give your head a wobble or you will lose this guy before you can even talk about babies.

As for the anxiety, that is something you can try to tackle- therapy? Are you just using pregnancy jealousy as a scape goat for your anxiety over the event?

ErickBroch · 24/03/2019 21:42

Sorry but YABU. You need to put this aside and go.

Mrskeats · 24/03/2019 21:42

You are being ridiculous

Littleraindrop15 · 24/03/2019 21:43

I think you are being unreasonable.. You haven't even met his family yet, been divorced and only been together a short time along with a pending operation. To not go because someone is pregnant when you don't even know them is a bit Hmm... I think you need to sort your self out before you start family planning

Ginger1982 · 24/03/2019 21:50

YABVU. You've been together less than 18 months, haven't met most of his family, are still married to someone else and are only 30?? Come on 🙄

Sn0tnose · 24/03/2019 21:50

I think you are being a bit unreasonable really.

He's clearly trying to include you in his family which, if things go the way you want them to, will also be your child's family. Unless they are horrible, why wouldn't you want to try and build a relationship with them? A meal & a show might not be your cup of tea, but it is obviously his mum's and as it's her birthday, she gets to choose. Most places can cater for vegetarians.

I can understand why you wouldn't want to be surrounding yourself with more pregnant people at the moment but if you need an operation, is this seriously the right time to be conceiving? You're thirty. Six months delay is not going to make much of a difference.

When does your boyfriend envisage having kids? If he's thinking about waiting another five or ten years, you might have to reassess your relationship.

motherofdxughters · 24/03/2019 21:50

You are being unreasonable. You're 30, not 45. It's quite a new relationship and however much you want children, now is not the right time. Wallowing in your own sadness over your own circumstances when you could meet the family you intend to be a part of and celebrate someone else's happiness is utterly selfish and borderline toxic.

Expressedways · 24/03/2019 21:51

Sorry if this sounds blunt but if you want this relationship to last the point where you might begin to start TTC then you should go to his Mum’s birthday and make an effort with his family.

You would be massively unreasonable to avoid it because his brother’s girlfriend is pregnant when you’re not even trying yet (and notwithstanding the fact that you’re not even divorced yet). Is everything otherwise ok as this doesn’t seem rational?

Purpleartichoke · 24/03/2019 21:53

You aren’t suffering from infertility, you are simply at a time in your life where you are not ready to have a child. There is a big difference.

Get your divorced finalized. Get to know your boyfriends family and make sure you still want to procreate with him. Get married. Somewhere in there, get your health in order. Then you can have a baby.

saraclara · 24/03/2019 22:02

So you're not going to meet his family until you're pregnant then? Because if the girlfriend is pregnant now, not going to the birthday meal is only going to put things off until the next time. When (hopefully) she'll STILL be pregnant...and then she'll have the baby.

If you were much older or having problems conceiving I'd have a bit more sympathy, but you're being totally unfair to your boyfriend in this. He loves you, he wants you to be part of his family. Just get on with it and go. It's not all about you.

SandyY2K · 24/03/2019 22:11

My boyfriend knows that I really desperately want a baby but because of the operation and the divorce he doesn't think it's the right time yet

Do you think it's the right time?

I think he's being sensible. Your Ex is not signing the papers... he can refuse to and you'd have to wait a total of 5 years from when you separated, if you're in the UK... and there was no adultery or unreasonable behaviour.

Any child born to a married woman, is assumed to be her husband's. I can see why he doesn't think now is the right time.... what I can't understand, is why you think now is the right time.

TapasForTwo · 24/03/2019 22:12

Sorry, but I agree with everyone else. You aren't at the right stage of your relationship to TTC. You are still married to someone else, and you are only 30. You need to be patient and let things happen in their own time.

You might like to read this thread about how children change your life (and not always for the better)

Smelborp · 24/03/2019 22:14

I think YABU too, for all the reasons every one has said. Your P thinks you’re being selfish about this and so there’s a risk you could endanger your relationship which really would set the children plan back.

You have a partner, he wants kids in the future, calm down and enjoy now.

Scarydinosaurs · 24/03/2019 22:20

YA totally U. What is upsetting you exactly? How can you expect your relationship to move on if you don’t attend events like this with your boyfriend?

I would be so unimpressed if I was your boyfriend.

adulthumanwolf · 24/03/2019 22:24

18 months? You hardly know the bugger.

BackforGood · 24/03/2019 22:33

Yes YABU.

It isn't even like you have been TTC and it not happening, which I could see would be difficult, but even then you can't avoid anyone else who is pregnant or who has a baby.

Purpleartichoke · 24/03/2019 22:47

Op. I feel for you. I divorced my first husband at 30. The legal case drug on for two very long years because he was being ridiculous. There weren

Purpleartichoke · 24/03/2019 22:49

Weren’t even any assets in dispute. He just wanted to argue about the standard legal wording that had been used in countless divorces before ours

By the time I was free to marry my now husband, I needed 3 surgeries to get my uterus in a state that I could carry a pregnancy. Waiting sucked. But I’m very happy I had dd when we were ready and everything was lined up legally.

Leeds2 · 24/03/2019 22:51

I think you would be very unreasonable to bail out on this event. Your boyfriend's family are looking forward to meeting you.

Still18atheart · 24/03/2019 22:52

Sorry but yabu, for the reason pp have said! This is one of those posts where I wonder if writing it down made you realise this .
Sometimes because all these are all floating around in your mind you can’t see the wood for the trees but writing it down makes it clearer.

Peakypolly · 24/03/2019 22:57

because of the operation and the divorce he doesn't think it's the right time yet
Hurbloodyrah! Someone with their head screwed on.

Singlenotsingle · 24/03/2019 23:01

It really is all about you, isn't it, OP? You need to slowly down and take it step by step. You're only 30. Go along to your bf's mother's little birthday meal. Eat something veggie. Smile! Be pleased for her and the brother's pregnant gf. Smile and be pleasant. This could be your family one day.
AND GET THE DIVORCE FINALIZED, a ND marry the new bf before going ahead with a PG.