Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Aibu to bail on my boyfriend's mum's birthday

43 replies

Eeysgirl · 24/03/2019 21:30

So a bit of background. I'm 30. My boyfriend and I have been together since November 2017 but things are a bit complicated as I'm still waiting for my ex to agree to a divorce. I'm also waiting for an operation this year. My boyfriend knows that I really desperately want a baby but because of the operation and the divorce he doesn't think it's the right time yet, although he says he 100% wants us to have kids. In the past year three of my close friends have given birth, as has a colleague and now two more good friends are pregnant. He decided to tell me in a phone call as I was driving, and was staying away for work that his brother's girlfriend is pregnant. I didn't even know they wanted kids. She's always been presented to me as really career focused. I've never met her or his brother (I'm really shy and nervous about meeting them) but have met his parents quite a few times. It is his mum's birthday in May and I'd said I'd go to her birthday treat which is dinner at a steakhouse (I don't eat meat) and a theatre show. I wasn't especially looking forward to it, as it's not things I like and I was anxious about meeting the rest of his family, but I knew he'd want me to go. Now I've found out about their pregnancy I just really don't want to go at all. I just feel so upset and worried that it will never be me. I don't want to put a downer on things but I just don't feel like I could play happy if I went. I just want to bury my head in the sand. He's saying I'm selfish and should put my feelings aside for his mum's birthday. It's not like I'm saying he shouldn't go, he deffo should, just it's really not something I want to do or feel comfortable going to. Aibu?

OP posts:

LovingLola · 24/03/2019 23:02

As if this is real🙄

burritofan · 24/03/2019 23:10

I'm interested why you included the detail about being told on the phone, while driving, while away from work? As if you think news of your SIL's pregnancy should have been given to you more delicately or with more empathy – why? Ditto you not thinking she wanted kids/was career-orientated – unless you're close enough to have those conversations, you can't really know what anyone's plans are.

I understand the "it's never going to be me" feeling, particularly when you're not in a position to have a baby, and the deep-down "why can't other people wait/pause their lives!" feeling – but it is unreasonable and you are only 30! Concentrate on the divorce, the operation, and building a good relationship with your boyfriend, which includes showing up to his mum's birthday as a good sport.

Have you checked the menu online in advance? Even steakhouses will have something vegetarian, even if it's a boring stuffed mushroom or goat's cheese salad, but you can get excited for posh chips (you know, hand cut triple cooked artisan ones) or nice puddings, and a theatre show is an excuse to wear a nice frock or fancy shoes. Plus you're meeting members of your boyfriend's family/being included in MIL's celebrations = he takes the relationship seriously, it's progressing, you're getting closer to what you ultimately want. You'd feel a lot worse if you weren't invited or told about SIL's pregnancy!

saraclara · 24/03/2019 23:11

If you refuse to meet his family over this, he'd be justified in wondering what he was doing in a relationship with you. If he leaves you because of it, you'll have lost a good man, and be putting motherhood off a lot further.

You sound pretty childish and spoilt, to be honest.

MidniteScribbler · 25/03/2019 00:23

You aren't mature enough to have a baby.

Sparklesocks · 25/03/2019 00:31

Yes sorry YABU. This is a nice opportunity to spend time with your partner’s family and get to know them - and learn more about the life of the man you love. You can’t cancel just because his sister is pregnant and you want babies. Chances are you are going to encounter a good few pregnant women you know and you can’t just cancel all social and work events to avoid them.

Also presenting as career minded seems like an odd thing to say, first of all you’ve never even met her so how would you know, and you can be career orientated and still want to pause it start a family.

fargo123 · 25/03/2019 00:40

YABU
Your boyfriend is totally sensible in not wanting to have a baby with someone who is still technically married to someone else.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/03/2019 00:43

You need therapy.

Verynice · 25/03/2019 01:26

You want to avoid a pregnant lady, who you've never met, because, well, you'd like to be pregnant? How do you cope day to day?

AwakeNow · 25/03/2019 01:31

Your boyfriend is correct.

You may have ruined your relationship, with your issues. Most adults could not bother with such neediness.

wowsertrousers · 25/03/2019 02:03

OP, ignore comments like 'you need therapy' and 'you may have ruined your relationship with your issues' - not helpful - but do listen to the overwhelming chorus of YABU, because I think you'll struggle to find (m)any who agree with you on this. I get it, to a degree - but you can't expect everyone around you to stop popping out babies just to avoid upsetting you... Missing your boyfriend's mum's bday to avoid exposure to a pregnant woman is way OTT and incredibly egocentric, and I'm not surprised your boyfriend is annoyed about it, but it's not too late to turn it around - just suck it up.... go along, have a nice evening and try not to make it all about you. Your boyfriend sounds very sensible and as others have said take comfort in the fact that he's trying to include you in this kind of family thing - don't push him away with behaviour that suggests an obsessive need for a baby. While you're waiting for your divorce and your operation, just enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend. You're 30, not menopausal. Plenty of time for babies and all that jazz in due course.

CTRL · 25/03/2019 02:34

YABU

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 25/03/2019 02:39

Your DP sounds like a good one to be honest. Not the point of your AIBU but worth saying.

It is categorically not the time to TTC. But it's a great time to meet the family. Obviously check you can eat something at the restaurant but assuming you can I'd definitely go.

Chocmallows · 25/03/2019 02:45

Meeting your potential in-laws and showing your partner that you can get on with them will help you get to your goal of being together and having children.

You are doing the opposite if you avoid them, he is more likely to walk away as you appear childish and rude.

purplepears · 25/03/2019 03:29

Yes, you are being unreasonable. And mean. And a brat.
Put someone else's feelings first for once. It's a step towards maturity.

Shoxfordian · 25/03/2019 06:15

Yabu and selfish not to go

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/03/2019 06:25

YABU. It’s disappointing that you can’t have what you want now. Putting the surgery and divorce aside, I don’t think you’ve known him long enough. He sounds sensible though.

When I was trying and failing to conceive I expect I looked like I was career focussed, and thankfully that was going well. Only my sister and doctor knew we were TTC. No point announcing an intention I don’t think.

PregnantSea · 25/03/2019 06:27

YABVU. Go to the birthday thing, meet his family, congratulate his SIL. Stop being ridiculous

motherheroic · 25/03/2019 06:47

There will be no relationship soon if you keep going on like this.

Flip

1 2