to find this attitude towards single mums a bit annoying?

[GreenTowel]

I've recently become a single mum to an infant, so very little lovely baby. I left his father due to some pretty heavy emotional abuse that I was brainwashed into believing is normal.

I didn't notice it so much before, but recently I've been finding comments about singlemumdom a bit saddening.

• 'I did really well for myself considering I was raised in a single mum household' (from a colleague)
• 'I was disadvantaged because my mum was a single mum' (master chef contestant)

Etc etc. I have plenty more examples.

My son is not disadvantaged, not are the kids of many single mums I know. Are there statistics to back this up? I'm sure there might be, but it's sad to think this is the attitude many people have.

Anyone else find this?

[swirlette]

OP, what you've done already for your baby is amazing. I was raised by a single mum, as were some of my best friends. I know it was incredibly hard for all of them (they all had little or no involvement from the fathers - my own sadly had died but there were a variety of circumstances between us all), but I can 100% say that we all had great childhoods and are happy, successful adults who know we can do pretty much anything because we saw our mums do it (whether they chose to or not).

I really think it depends on the circumstances and the people involved - my friends and I may not prove the statistics but there's every chance your baby will end up as happy as we all are.

[Frenchmontana]

So if assuming one has been solely raised by one person we can see the potential disadvantages: money, lack of a second parental figure etc.

Except a lot of the time the 2nd parental figure is useless and doesn't pay.

Ds being out of the house for 24 hours a week doesn't really save me anything significant.

Ds has come back today to tell me his dad says he doesnt move schools. He is loving schools so he doesnt have to get up at 6am, wont need after school club and we have a better standard of living and more money. It currently takes me at least an hour to do the school run and get to work. The new school is opposite.

But exh who doesnt have anything to do with him during the week has said he will stop me moving him if he needs to. Ds has had a melt down when I have explained the paperwork is done.

And yet exh still gets his access to him, though less than the court awarded.

Exh is also self employed. So zero cms.

Honestly, I think ds would be better off without him. But that's not my decision to make.

[Notcontent]

Well, there is definitely a stigma attached to being a lone parent. I found this very difficult when dd was a baby - even though it was my exH who left, I felt like in the eyes of society I had become some sort of feckless leper.

[nos123]

I was raised by a single mum and so were all of my childhood friends. I’d never think to call mysel disadvantaged. To me it was normal.

I find it quite nauseating when people use the ‘single mum’ line to evoke pitty. People love to be considered hard done by these days.

[nos123]

*by single mum line I meant people raised by single mums not single mum’s themselves

[nos123]

*mums

[BlackeyedGruesome]

there is a stigma, there is disadvantage, but that is not a judgment on the single parent doing the job, just that they are doing up to two peoples job themselves. (even 50/50 will be trickier if there is a lot of organisation involved and having to negotiate who pays for what or who organises hair cuts etc.

[NiteFlights]

You have done a great thing for your baby by getting out of an abusive relationship, and you and your son will both be better off with you as a single parent.

I think that’s what you should focus on. Yes, you’re a single parent and that’s going to be one ‘label’ that can be put on you, but so what? You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone.

[LazariaMoon]

Statistically, parents of single parents are more disadvantaged.

[LazariaMoon]

*children

[LazariaMoon]

confused WHY should it be pointed out?

Sometimes it's the children of single parents themselves who point it out, shouldn't they?

[middleeasternpromise]

The power of a negative stereotype in action

It might be worth those claiming 'its a fact' and 'statistics prove' to read a little wider and remember research is highly subjective

//www.sheffield.ac.uk/news/nr/single-parent-families-crook-fellowship-gingerbread-1.823016

[Frenchmontana]

middleeasternpromise that's interesting as it goes back a point made by several pps. It's not just down oncoming from a one adult household. The wider family is often involved.

However, I dont many single parents being subsidised, apart from helping with childcare, so that doesnt help the poverty issue. Especially where nrp arent paying.

[twattymctwatterson]

Lazaria who should they point it out to? The parent who stuck around and raised them? Resident parents who are doing their best? I'm the child of a single mother, although I know she struggled financially for a time I don't feel I was disadvantaged and indeed I have a degree and a professional job.

I don't actually understand what the benefit of trying to make someone feel guilty is when they're in a situation not of their own making.

[Mrskeats]

Some women on here be a lot better off on their own than with the horrible men they had kids with. Reference the threads on cheating, never being around, the abusive etc. It is lazy stereotyping and the stigma should be on the feckless men who don't support their kids and not the women trying hard to raise their kids.

[NaturalBornWoman]

the stigma should be on the feckless men who don't support their kids and not the women trying hard to raise their kids.

Do you place any responsibility on the woman to be more discerning about who she chooses to procreate with? Not excusing feckless men at all but responsibility does extend to both parties.

[Mrskeats]

Yes of course I do natural. Some of the examples on here are shocking. How many threads are there about the husband being abusive then the next minute we find out the op is pregnant again.
Everyone needs to take responsibility but it’s the women who are left holding the baby usually.

[FineWordsForAPorcupine]

Saying that the children of single parents are disadvantaged isn't trying to make the parent feel guilty - it's acknowledging a truth which (hopefully) means that more support and assistance can be directed to kids that need it.

So if we as a society choose to pretend that every child is raised by two parents then in fact we make it even harder for single parents, by refusing to acknowledge the reality of their situation - they might need priority in wraparound care, more flexibility from employers, a dentist that accepts NHS appointments at evenings and weekends, etc.

Saying that it is harder to raise a child with one parent than two isn't dissing single mothers - it's recognising that yes, it is harder. So maybe we should be aware of that and make accommodation.

[NaturalBornWoman]

Mrskeats On here it often seems like the only objective is to be holding the baby, irrespective of all other considerations. It's sad.

[FermatsTheorem]

From upthread: Being the child of a single parent (note I said "parent" and not "mother") is the single biggest indicator of child poverty.

But to this stat we need to add the one which points out that once you correct for the effects of poverty the outcomes of children from single parent homes are the same as those for children from two parent homes.

It's not the single parent which screws children over, it's the poverty.

(Single mum myself...)

[dangermouseisace]

Massive longitudinal studies have shown that generally speaking, children of single mothers are disadvantaged. I was doing a postgrad course and it was hard to hear, as I am a single mum. As pp’s have said, poverty is often a factor and also poor mental health, which are linked and often both apply to single mothers. On the brighter side, children of single mothers who spent more time in education seem to fare better. These are all generalisations though. A proportion of children of single mothers will have witnessed or been subject to abuse, but the outcomes would be far worse if the mother stayed in that relationship.

We can only do the best we can!

[Valanice1989]

OP, it's not a slight on you. They simply mean that at a POPULATION level, children in single-parent households are likelier to live in poverty. It's got nothing to do with you as an individual.

I think it's important, at this early stage of parenthood, to learn not to be defensive about this sort of thing. For example, I have a friend whose parents' divorce made her desperately unhappy, but whenever she tried to discuss it they would get angry. They would snap that happily divorced parents are better than unhappily married ones. They refused to listen to her side of things, so she just learned to bottle her feelings up. When your baby is older, they may talk about feeling upset that their friends' dads are involved in their lives and theirs isn't. If they do, you need to be prepared to listen and accept that instead of getting defensive. It's good that you're already acknowledging these feelings now.

[CanILeavenowplease]

Massive longitudinal studies have shown that generally speaking, children of single mothers are disadvantaged

It is marginal disadvantage when outcomes for children who grew up in two parent households are considered. Something like 80% of children of single parents grow up OK compared with 85% of children of together parents. Issues such as maternal level of education and poverty indicators have a bigger impact on outcomes than the single parent household. Of course, single parent household are more likely to live in poverty and a certain number of single parents will have had children young before finishing their education, but all things considered, the difference is really not that big.

What is big is societal attitude, much as we see here, that blames single mothers for all societies ills. We have a very long way to go with that one.

[Frenchmontana]

What is big is societal attitude, much as we see here, that blames single mothers for all societies ills. We have a very long way to go with that one.

As a single mother I disagree. The comments the op quoted sound like they were quoted to be supportive.

Most people I know are appalled how little help single parents get. They judge the system, for letting the kids down. Notbthe single parent themseleves.

I am sure some people do blame single parents. But its nots my experience at all

[abcriskringle]

I was brought up by a single mum living on benefits on a council estate. I remember reading statistics as a teen which suggested I was therefore more likely to end up homeless / unemployed / pregnant in my teens! Nothing could have been further from the truth. My mother was (is) wonderful, I had a happy and secure childhood, did very well at school and am now 31 with my own home, a career, a toddler and a husband! There was no disadvantage to me that I can see.