to find this attitude towards single mums a bit annoying?

[GreenTowel]

I've recently become a single mum to an infant, so very little lovely baby. I left his father due to some pretty heavy emotional abuse that I was brainwashed into believing is normal.

I didn't notice it so much before, but recently I've been finding comments about singlemumdom a bit saddening.

• 'I did really well for myself considering I was raised in a single mum household' (from a colleague)
• 'I was disadvantaged because my mum was a single mum' (master chef contestant)

Etc etc. I have plenty more examples.

My son is not disadvantaged, not are the kids of many single mums I know. Are there statistics to back this up? I'm sure there might be, but it's sad to think this is the attitude many people have.

Anyone else find this?

[GreenTowel]

Do you place any responsibility on the woman to be more discerning about who she chooses to procreate with? Not excusing feckless men at all but responsibility does extend to both parties.

I had no idea my ex would become jealous and abusive during my pregnancy, and worse when baby was born. It's not always the case that women just choose to have babies with abusive men. This just stigmatises single mums (especially those in abusive relationships) even further. I've been a victim of coercive control, it's not so simple that you just walk away.

[justjuggling]

I’ve been a single parent for nearly 6. My DC haven’t seen their Dad for 5 years but I have a good job, earn decent money and am very lucky to have the support of my family who live nearby. Both my DC are doing well at school, have lots of friends, take part in various extra curricular activities etc.

Having said all that, I worry they are disadvantaged, I think, sadly, they probably are. Essentially, they’re missing an extra person who should be there to live them and help raise them. I’m always busy, tired and probably don’t pay them the attention they deserve. There is considerably less money coming into the house than there would have been if their Dad hadn’t left and they now live in a much smaller house, have cheap & cheerful holidays etc. And, if I’m really honest, I worry about the long term impact on their emotional well being and future relationships from their father walking out. I try very hard to compensate: amazing birthday parties, attend (or send my parents!) to every school event, make cakes for bake sales, lots of friends round to play, etc etc but they are disadvantaged because they have only one parent.

I’m a damn good one though and one good one is far better than if the other being around/present is detrimental to them!

[abcriskringle]

I was brought up by a single mum living on benefits on a council estate. I remember reading statistics as a teen which suggested I was therefore more likely to end up homeless / unemployed / pregnant in my teens! Nothing could have been further from the truth. My mother was (is) wonderful, I had a happy and secure childhood, did very well at school and am now 31 with my own home, a career, a toddler and a husband! There was no disadvantage to me that I can see.

[Frenchmontana]

What is big is societal attitude, much as we see here, that blames single mothers for all societies ills. We have a very long way to go with that one.

As a single mother I disagree. The comments the op quoted sound like they were quoted to be supportive.

Most people I know are appalled how little help single parents get. They judge the system, for letting the kids down. Notbthe single parent themseleves.

I am sure some people do blame single parents. But its nots my experience at all

[CanILeavenowplease]

Massive longitudinal studies have shown that generally speaking, children of single mothers are disadvantaged

It is marginal disadvantage when outcomes for children who grew up in two parent households are considered. Something like 80% of children of single parents grow up OK compared with 85% of children of together parents. Issues such as maternal level of education and poverty indicators have a bigger impact on outcomes than the single parent household. Of course, single parent household are more likely to live in poverty and a certain number of single parents will have had children young before finishing their education, but all things considered, the difference is really not that big.

What is big is societal attitude, much as we see here, that blames single mothers for all societies ills. We have a very long way to go with that one.

[Valanice1989]

OP, it's not a slight on you. They simply mean that at a POPULATION level, children in single-parent households are likelier to live in poverty. It's got nothing to do with you as an individual.

I think it's important, at this early stage of parenthood, to learn not to be defensive about this sort of thing. For example, I have a friend whose parents' divorce made her desperately unhappy, but whenever she tried to discuss it they would get angry. They would snap that happily divorced parents are better than unhappily married ones. They refused to listen to her side of things, so she just learned to bottle her feelings up. When your baby is older, they may talk about feeling upset that their friends' dads are involved in their lives and theirs isn't. If they do, you need to be prepared to listen and accept that instead of getting defensive. It's good that you're already acknowledging these feelings now.

[dangermouseisace]

Massive longitudinal studies have shown that generally speaking, children of single mothers are disadvantaged. I was doing a postgrad course and it was hard to hear, as I am a single mum. As pp’s have said, poverty is often a factor and also poor mental health, which are linked and often both apply to single mothers. On the brighter side, children of single mothers who spent more time in education seem to fare better. These are all generalisations though. A proportion of children of single mothers will have witnessed or been subject to abuse, but the outcomes would be far worse if the mother stayed in that relationship.

We can only do the best we can!

[FermatsTheorem]

From upthread: Being the child of a single parent (note I said "parent" and not "mother") is the single biggest indicator of child poverty.

But to this stat we need to add the one which points out that once you correct for the effects of poverty the outcomes of children from single parent homes are the same as those for children from two parent homes.

It's not the single parent which screws children over, it's the poverty.

(Single mum myself...)

[NaturalBornWoman]

Mrskeats On here it often seems like the only objective is to be holding the baby, irrespective of all other considerations. It's sad.

[FineWordsForAPorcupine]

Saying that the children of single parents are disadvantaged isn't trying to make the parent feel guilty - it's acknowledging a truth which (hopefully) means that more support and assistance can be directed to kids that need it.

So if we as a society choose to pretend that every child is raised by two parents then in fact we make it even harder for single parents, by refusing to acknowledge the reality of their situation - they might need priority in wraparound care, more flexibility from employers, a dentist that accepts NHS appointments at evenings and weekends, etc.

Saying that it is harder to raise a child with one parent than two isn't dissing single mothers - it's recognising that yes, it is harder. So maybe we should be aware of that and make accommodation.

[Mrskeats]

Yes of course I do natural. Some of the examples on here are shocking. How many threads are there about the husband being abusive then the next minute we find out the op is pregnant again.
Everyone needs to take responsibility but it’s the women who are left holding the baby usually.

[NaturalBornWoman]

the stigma should be on the feckless men who don't support their kids and not the women trying hard to raise their kids.

Do you place any responsibility on the woman to be more discerning about who she chooses to procreate with? Not excusing feckless men at all but responsibility does extend to both parties.

[Mrskeats]

Some women on here be a lot better off on their own than with the horrible men they had kids with. Reference the threads on cheating, never being around, the abusive etc. It is lazy stereotyping and the stigma should be on the feckless men who don't support their kids and not the women trying hard to raise their kids.

[twattymctwatterson]

Lazaria who should they point it out to? The parent who stuck around and raised them? Resident parents who are doing their best? I'm the child of a single mother, although I know she struggled financially for a time I don't feel I was disadvantaged and indeed I have a degree and a professional job.

I don't actually understand what the benefit of trying to make someone feel guilty is when they're in a situation not of their own making.

[Frenchmontana]

middleeasternpromise that's interesting as it goes back a point made by several pps. It's not just down oncoming from a one adult household. The wider family is often involved.

However, I dont many single parents being subsidised, apart from helping with childcare, so that doesnt help the poverty issue. Especially where nrp arent paying.

[middleeasternpromise]

The power of a negative stereotype in action

It might be worth those claiming 'its a fact' and 'statistics prove' to read a little wider and remember research is highly subjective

//www.sheffield.ac.uk/news/nr/single-parent-families-crook-fellowship-gingerbread-1.823016

[LazariaMoon]

confused WHY should it be pointed out?

Sometimes it's the children of single parents themselves who point it out, shouldn't they?

[LazariaMoon]

*children

[LazariaMoon]

Statistically, parents of single parents are more disadvantaged.

[NiteFlights]

You have done a great thing for your baby by getting out of an abusive relationship, and you and your son will both be better off with you as a single parent.

I think that’s what you should focus on. Yes, you’re a single parent and that’s going to be one ‘label’ that can be put on you, but so what? You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone.

[BlackeyedGruesome]

there is a stigma, there is disadvantage, but that is not a judgment on the single parent doing the job, just that they are doing up to two peoples job themselves. (even 50/50 will be trickier if there is a lot of organisation involved and having to negotiate who pays for what or who organises hair cuts etc.

[nos123]

*mums

[nos123]

*by single mum line I meant people raised by single mums not single mum’s themselves

[nos123]

I was raised by a single mum and so were all of my childhood friends. I’d never think to call mysel disadvantaged. To me it was normal.

I find it quite nauseating when people use the ‘single mum’ line to evoke pitty. People love to be considered hard done by these days.

[Notcontent]

Well, there is definitely a stigma attached to being a lone parent. I found this very difficult when dd was a baby - even though it was my exH who left, I felt like in the eyes of society I had become some sort of feckless leper.