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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to want my x-DH not to bring his girlfriend (the woman he was sha**ing whilst I was pregnant with dd) to my ds' sports day?

91 replies

peachypie · 10/07/2007 22:50

I really would like a few opinions about this. My first feelings are absolute anger and if she comes anywhere near I wont be responsible for my actions. (im normally not a agresssive person)

Thanks

OP posts:

Elasticwoman · 10/07/2007 23:23

Even if she didn't know he was married when the affair started, what kind of woman carries on with it when she finds out there is not only a wife but also a child involved?

Twinklemegan · 10/07/2007 23:24

OK, she would be insensitive to attend in that case. But are they a permanent item now? If so, sadly you'll have to get used to it for your DS's sake, as she will be a part of his life with his father. I do feel for you though.

GreebosWhiskers · 10/07/2007 23:27

Deffo YANBU but speaking from experience there's not much you can do about it

Just make sure you look good & act completely unfazed - that'll piss her off no end .

Original poster

peachypie · 10/07/2007 23:28

lol I hope so. That really would be making the best out of a bad situation.

The thing is as well poor DS always looks a bit unsure and worried when we are in the close proximity ie: if she is ever in the car when they are being picked up/ dropped off. I dont want him worring or feeling anxious on his sports day bless him. ( I have never given him any reason to feel this way, dont call her or talk about her in a negative way, he must just pick up vibes or something)

OP posts:

handlemecarefully · 10/07/2007 23:31

I kind of get Twinklemegan's point that she will be part of peachy's child's life...

but Sports Day is a bit of a public exposed event full of other (perhaps well meaning?) rubber necking school mums.

Perhaps that wouldn't bother Peachy at all and her primary concern is that her ds is not uncomfortable - but it would bother me in Peachy's shoes!

(Did that make sense?)

Original poster

peachypie · 10/07/2007 23:35

Twinklemegan - Yes they are living together now so I guess its permanant.

I will have to get used to it i know but its just makes me feel ill.

OP posts:

VeronicaMars · 10/07/2007 23:36

I can understand that it is important for your lo's daddy to be there but there is really no need for her to be there. If it was me I would find it very hard to just smile sweetly and accept it. I would be biting my tougue not to say 'I will shove that egg AND spoon up your arse if you so much as look in my direction' Oops a touch of pms there, sorry.

Twinklemegan · 10/07/2007 23:36

I hope you can find happiness again yourself Peachypie.

Surfermum · 10/07/2007 23:37

I'm quite sure I would feel the same peachypie. They are being totally insensitive.

Original poster

peachypie · 10/07/2007 23:43

Im glad its not just me being unreasonable, i do doubt myself sometimes.

Thanks Twinklemegan, I am working on it.

Veronicamars, thats so funny and i am going to remember it on the day so that i stay relaxed, smiley and confident.

OP posts:

alicet · 11/07/2007 12:25

peachypie you are not being unreasonable to feel like this.

But you are being unreasonable if you do let rip at her if she comes as this would make it very difficult for your ds. (not suggesting you will.....)

Unfortunately the 'right thing' to do in this situation if your ex-dh doesn't listen to your requests to come alone is to be polite and gracious to her in order to make things easier for your ds and dd. They are the important ones in this afterall. Not sure how you will manage this (not sure I could if I was in your situation) but your children do not deserve to suffer because their dh couldn't keep his pants on. Just rubbish for you that you have to be the reasonable one when its him who has done the dirty on you.

Just one thing though (and I will probably be shouted down for this I know) but to me although its not a nice thing to sh*g someone elses husband its actually him that was doing wrong not her (assuming she was single and not a friend of yours which is a different matter). If she was single and didn't know you then it was not her responsibility for him to stay faithfull and although I hate to say it if he had so little respect for the vows you had both made together if it hadn't been her it would have been someone else eventually. Maybe trying to see it like this will help you to deal with this situation? Just like to add that I have not (knowingly) been the other woman so I'm not saying this to defend myself or anything!!!!

Will be thinking of you and hope it goes OK whatever happens.

Nbg · 11/07/2007 12:29

Maybe stand and think that given a couple of years, he'll most likely be shagging someone else while hes still with her.

I'd pity her really.

LittleBellatrixLeBoot · 11/07/2007 12:45

If she comes, jsut make sure all the other mothers know who she is and what she has done.

You won't need to have a go at her, they'll make her feel incredibly unwelcome.

I agree with surfermum, there is simply no way I'd turn up to an event like this even if the situation wasn't as bad as this. it is an intolerable intrusion. An intelligent woman recognises this and stays away.

Original poster

peachypie · 11/07/2007 12:45

Alicet - thanks yes your right I know it wasnt just her fault (she was engaged to someone else at the time of the said affair) and it was up to him to say no, but even after we tried to make it work together, she wouldnt leave him alone even broke up with her fiance for him, she knew very well that we had a 2 year old son and i was pregnant. It bugs me that she just didnt give a damn about me or my kids and the affect it would have on us,Ds still gets upset about daddy not living with us and why did daddy leave, but now she wants to be there at sports day!!!

Yes if it wasnt her it would have been someone else no doubt.

He has tried to come back several times but hasnt been able to cut the ties with her so i wasnt having any of it.

I wouldnt make a scene in front of my kids they are the most important things in my life and i would hurt them by doing this. It would have untold effects on them im sure, so i will stand there and take it, smile and think that what Nbq has said. He will probably do it to her too in a few years anyway.
Fingers crossed eh!

OP posts:

Original poster

peachypie · 11/07/2007 12:58

See most of us feel the same way, so why does she want to come?
Is it because she doent have children of her own and doesnt understand?
She just doesnt care?
She wants to annoy me?
Shes a clever lass, a legal executive, so its not through lack of brains.

My sister is going bonkers about it, I think its her reaction i need to worry about, bless her. She went through it to with me and hates her and him more than I do.

OP posts:

suezee · 11/07/2007 13:05

peachy i just think its bad fookin manners for her wanting to turn up at ds sports day.....is nothing sacred?????? she pissed all over ur marriage at a great height and now she wants u to feel uncomfortabl at ur own ds day.SHOOT TO KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MadMumsy · 11/07/2007 13:11

He is being very unreasonable but what about your dd - does she get along with her and would she like her to be there? It is her day after all. I do know how you feel though.

NKF · 11/07/2007 13:13

I can't believe that she would want to come or him to bring her. People's behaviour never fails to amaze me. I have no suggestions for you but much sympathy.

edam · 11/07/2007 13:18

If you are friends with lots of the other mums, I like LittleBella's suggestion. Then you can be gracious but she will feel frozen out, hopefully.

God, hope she doesn't want to sit near you!

mylittlestar · 11/07/2007 13:19

I love Heated's suggestion (Tue 10-Jul-07 23:22:50) and if you can do that it would be great.

I know if it were me I just couldn't cope with having her there because there is no reason for her to go other than to publically display her relationship! I think you hit the nail on the head that she will not want your ex-p to be alone with you. She will NOT be there for the dc's sake, and thats for sure.

For that reason alone I'd be firm and say to your ex, after everything they've done and everything they have put you through, can they please respect your wishes and let you enjoy your child's sports day without constant reminders of it all. Say you want him there, alone, and that's the least they can bloody agree to!

alicet · 11/07/2007 13:21

Good luck peachypie. Really don't envy you this awful situation. Good on you not to take him back too when he wanted to have his cake and eat it.

Will be thinking of you and crossing fingers that she says home!

hotcrumpets · 11/07/2007 13:31

If it wasn't for the children being around I would tell you to get on the public address system and let everyone in a mile radius know that the woman who was shagging your husband whist married is standing just over there and could everyone please turn round and stare at them for a few minutes (let them feel the shame)

that should stop her turning up at any more public events for a while

Original poster

peachypie · 11/07/2007 13:48

Thanks everyone. Love your suggestion hotcrumpets, maybe i could still do that but get the kids some ear defenders

No nothing is sacred, every which way I turn she is there, flicking her locks and pouting.

I have always been grown up about the situation and tried to do whats right ie not sought revenge and now it seems like she thinks its all long and forgotten about and every thing is hunky dory, she couldnt be further from the truth. Think i will have to put a leash on my sister for the day, esp this week with PMT

OP posts:

suezee · 11/07/2007 13:52

let ur sister lure her to the toilets then biff her in lol, she'll be even poutier with a fat lip

lizziemun · 11/07/2007 14:06

Have you seen that add for that new programme on UKGOLD i think called "Christine" were she sticks a name label on herself saying daughters mum and on her ex husbands new girlfriend it says "visitor" you could try this or would this be childish .

And as to your statement earlier about her not understanding because she doesn't have children it probaly true she has no clue as to how you feel.

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