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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU checking 11 yo DD's mobile phone?

71 replies

livinglavidavillanelle · 23/03/2019 21:02

Casually asked what she was doing on her phone in her room with the door shut. She was being evasive and weird so I asked to see her phone.
What followed was a tug of war/pushing/shoving (her, not me) and I eventually took her phone away and made sure she knew it would be for the forseeable future.
I've checked it, there's nothing particularly bad on there that I can see on Insta/Whatsapp/snapchat.

Am I massively invading her privacy? She's quite a young naive 11 yo. I'm prepared to be flamed here, but I'm so conflicted about respecting her privacy vs keeping her safe.

OP posts:
chickywoo · 23/03/2019 21:05

You were right to look- when it comes to the internet and and access to all kinds of unknown there is no such thing a privacy for an 11 yr old! If you were reading her diary that would be a different matter but you need to know she's safe.

IceRebel · 23/03/2019 21:06

She's 11, you can bet I would be checking the phone and and any resistance would mean confiscation.

Apps like Instagram, Whatsapp and snapchat can be vile and toxic to teenagers, and I really wouldn't be happy about her being on them unsupervised.

Lovingbenidorm · 23/03/2019 21:08

It’s a shame it got physical with you asking to look at her phone.
In the future she’s likely to keep secrets and hide stuff.
Do you think it might be better to work on a mutual trust and an understanding of what’s acceptable and what’s not?
While I agree that we need to be aware of our kids online activity and safety I’m not sure that demanding her phone like that was the best way

AguerosAngel · 23/03/2019 21:11

No YADNBU! DS is 12 and I check his phone every day, He has Insta & Snapchat and the condition of him having the iPhone is that his Dad & I have instant access to it at any time.

ooooohbetty · 23/03/2019 21:12

No. I'd be concerned if you weren't checking her phone.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 23/03/2019 21:13

Well, personally I won’t be giving DD a smart phone at that age and she certainly wouldn’t have Instagram, so if you are going to allow all that I think it must be with the proviso that you will check it regularly.

MissWimpyDimple · 23/03/2019 21:13

Nope. Mine is 12 and I check pretty much daily and although she has Insta, she has a "no faces" rule where she can't post her or anyone else's faces without my permission!

I particularly keep an eye on the school group chats. Some strange stuff goes on on those!

kelper · 23/03/2019 21:14

DS is 11 and we check his phone fairly regularly, I wish the parents of some of his friends would check their children phones though.....

Hersheys · 23/03/2019 21:15

What @Lovingbenidorm said

Comefromaway · 23/03/2019 21:16

The conditions of having a phone under the age of 16 in our family are that I have the right to access everything.

I have had to intervene a few times and both mine have been the victims of bullying or potential inappropriate grooming.

killpop · 23/03/2019 21:17

Of course you should be checking her phone at 11.

Original poster
livinglavidavillanelle · 23/03/2019 21:18

LovingBenidorm she was already keeping secrets and hiding things IMO. Should I really rely on a 'mutual understanding' when my 11 yo DD would rather get physical with me than allow me to see her phone? She's a mild mannered sweet girl ordinarily.

I'm upset it came to that. But thank you to those who agree I should be checking.

OP posts:
Mummyshark2019 · 23/03/2019 21:19

Yanbu. You have to check at that age. God know what they are looking at and reading. It's so important to be aware of what they are being exposed to.

sauvignonblancplz · 23/03/2019 21:19

ooooohbetty
This!
You’re definitely not bu .

Original poster
livinglavidavillanelle · 23/03/2019 21:20

I'm not saying you're wrong about demanding to see her phone LovingBenidorm, it's not my finest hour that's for sure.

OP posts:
Samind · 23/03/2019 21:22

I'd be checking the phone too especially given that reaction. Are you sure there was nothing at all on the phone? Pictures etc? It's quite a big show for nothing being on the phone. Maybe keep her phone at night OP?

TriciaH87 · 23/03/2019 21:22

My son 12 knows if i ask to see his phone tablet etc he hands it over instantly. Else he looses it. I also know all passwords and if they have changed he knows he will loose it. Your protecting her trust is earned.

IceRebel · 23/03/2019 21:24

It's quite a big show for nothing being on the phone.

Exactly, there's no smoke without fire.

BatFace1 · 23/03/2019 21:24

What ARE you doing? Why does your 11 year old have Instagram and snapchat? Asking for trouble

These threads amaze me. She's 11 not 16. If you have to be that parent that allows social media shit years before the age it's allowed then you need to step up and parent her properly and that includes regular phone checks

PleaseJustSayNo · 23/03/2019 21:24

Does she have Snapchat or any other SM? Id probably monitor her phone for the next few days and see what comes in. Did she have chance to delete stuff before you got it?

wishuponarainbow · 23/03/2019 21:25

I regularly check my DDs(11) phone and if I find something that I think is a bit concerning we'll discuss it. Recently I was appalled at some of the language and conversations that were going on in some Snapchat groups she was in. We had a conversation about how she felt reading the language that had been used in some messages, spoke about why she thought some of her classmates were using such language/saying unkind things. As a result she decided to leave a couple of the groups but stayed in some; reassuring me that she would show me if there was anything 'bad' that came in.

DD knows that I will check her search history and monitor content of apps etc. This has always been a condition of her having a phone but as she has got older and shown me that she has been using the technology responsibly etc I have checked less frequently and she knows this.

As much as technology is amazing I do also feel sorry for our children-they are exposed to so much online and I find it's a hard balance teaching them how to deal with everything they can access and are exposed to while ensuring they are comfortable, safe and also developing their independence.

Original poster
livinglavidavillanelle · 23/03/2019 21:27

We always remove her phone at night, it stays downstairs. When she was struggling with me and the phone (oh crap even writing that it sounds awful) she managed to turn it off, but I could see she didn't delete anything. At least I don't think so.

OP posts:
YogaWannabe · 23/03/2019 21:27

Too young imo for social media so I’d definitely be checking but I’d confiscate the phone because she became aggressive with you!

KateMadikane · 23/03/2019 21:29

Do you have a monitoring app installed on it? I use Quostodio which gives me reports on time spent, search terms and limits time and restricts certain types of websites.
I agree you should be regularly checking it and she’s a bit young for Instagram etc.

Purpleartichoke · 23/03/2019 21:30

I’ve made it clear to my 10yo dd that she has no privacy in the internet. The internet certainly doesn’t give you privacy, so why should parents be exempt.

She is allowed to text and FaceTime family only at this age.

I must have all her passwords and she needs permissions for accounts. So far I only allow Pinterest. We monitor her online presence and what she is watching on YouTube. We talk about what she may encounter online frequently and have made it clear that as long as she reports problematic content to us, she will not get in trouble for viewing it long enough to figure out that it was problematic.

The reins will stay tight at least through 13-14 at which point I plan to work towards relaxing the rules as long as she continues to demonstrate she can be trusted.

I’m retaining the right to her passwords until she graduates. I will just use them less often.

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