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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU checking 11 yo DD's mobile phone?

71 replies

livinglavidavillanelle · 23/03/2019 21:02

Casually asked what she was doing on her phone in her room with the door shut. She was being evasive and weird so I asked to see her phone.
What followed was a tug of war/pushing/shoving (her, not me) and I eventually took her phone away and made sure she knew it would be for the forseeable future.
I've checked it, there's nothing particularly bad on there that I can see on Insta/Whatsapp/snapchat.

Am I massively invading her privacy? She's quite a young naive 11 yo. I'm prepared to be flamed here, but I'm so conflicted about respecting her privacy vs keeping her safe.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 23/03/2019 21:30

Why do you let her have Snapchat? Are you able to see what's been going on on there?

Lovingbenidorm · 23/03/2019 21:30

I totally agree about having access to her phone, obviously the dangers are real and at 11yo it would be irresponsible if you didn’t check it.
I just wonder if you might have got a better result with a different approach.
I’m not being judgey here, it must have been a very distressing incident

Ohyesiam · 23/03/2019 21:33

Both mine got phones when they went into year 7, the stipulation was that I could check them out anytime. Can’t imagine letting them roam free on the net with no adult guidance.
I actually haven’t done much checking, but it’s an open dialogue, we talk about the dodgy stuff and how it can cause harm.
Dh works in a secondary school and we hear about the trouble caused by naked selfies, dick pics, threats and bullying etc and how it’s dealt with by the pastoral care team. It’s important to be open.

youarenotkiddingme · 23/03/2019 21:35

My ds is 14 and knows if I want the phone I'll have it. I made it clear from day dot that I pay for it and so it's mine!

Lucky for me he's quite innocent and totally still believes if he does something wrong on it it's me who'll get into trouble me as it's in my name.

IceRebel · 23/03/2019 21:35

I just wonder if you might have got a better result with a different approach.

Genuinely curious, how would you have handled this? If you asked your child for their phone and they refused what's the next step?

YogaWannabe · 23/03/2019 21:37

Checking mean sweet FA when it comes to Snapchat. She could be sending or receiving anything and you’ll never know.

I just can’t believe 11yr olds are allowed to have this app.

adaline · 23/03/2019 21:37

She's 11! Why does she have Snapchat and Instagram in the first place?

Chickenwing · 23/03/2019 21:38

When I was 12 I sent a text to my friend and her dad read it. He told me he had read it when her phone buzzed and I was super shocked as my parents would never have done that. I remember telling my friend her dad had invaded her privacy and being annoyed. (In fairness when I was 12 we could only text and no internet) I think telling her about the dangers and trusting her is better than checking her phone. If you can't trust her, take the phone away.

Samind · 23/03/2019 21:39

It's quite scary how sites can easily become a groomers paradise.

- I watched this on a YouTube tangent and it gave me actual terror something shocking. They're so vulnerable and impressionable at that age.

You're totally justified OP.

oneforthepain · 23/03/2019 21:40

She is a child, of course you should be checking it.

She can have all the privacy she likes in a diary if she wants to keep one, but not in online etc communications.

Even though she will think and protest that she's old enough to understand the risks and moderate herself appropriately, she just isn't.

Original poster
livinglavidavillanelle · 23/03/2019 21:42

LovingBenidorm I think I'm just upset because I thought we already had a mutual understanding about what is acceptable, clearly I was wrong. You're right, getting into a physical tug of war is never the right approach. In that moment I was just so terrified when I saw how desperate she was to keep her phone from me. I don't know. My heads all over the place, it's like she was a different child altogether.

OP posts:
Lovingbenidorm · 23/03/2019 21:45

Ice fair question!
I could be hideously wrong here but it sounded like a confrontational situation.
I would have been horrified to get into a physical situation with my 11yo over something like this.(or, indeed at all)
I think (as pp’s have said) it’s very important to clearly set the ground rules with things like phones/computers etc.
Surely op’s dd ‘pushing and shoving’ is something that needs to be addressed because it really doesn’t bode well for the future regarding safety, discipline, communication and healthy parenting

IceRebel · 23/03/2019 21:47

Lovingbenidorm you haven't answered my question

If you asked your child for their phone and they refused what's the next step?

Lovingbenidorm · 23/03/2019 21:50

living I do get what you’re saying, honestly.
Our kids can turn us inside out.
I’m sorry if I’m coming across as judgmental or superior, really not my intention.
I hope you and your dd can have a chat about how she responded to your request (which wasn’t unreasonable btw)

Rockbird · 23/03/2019 21:53

DD1 has a phone. She doesn't have social media at all and any apps that she has are logged in on my account and I have them on my phone so I can see exactly what she's up to. She knows I'll check.

AuditAngel · 23/03/2019 21:54

I just asked DD1 (11) what would happen if I asked for her phone, she said “you want it?” And started to get up. She knows it is given over or taken away.

Zebedee88 · 23/03/2019 21:56

We made it as a rule that within reason we would check on the oldest child's phone, and that we always had to know her password. She's nearly 11.

oneforthepain · 23/03/2019 21:56

Op, have you looked at the advice here?

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/talking-your-child-staying-safe-online/

There is decent info on how to approach particular worries as well as general advice.

I think it's easy to forget that the Internet safety tip that "people may not be who they say" also means more subtle factors - like, yes, they may be the person they say but that doesn't mean their motivations are what they say. They may not be your friend, they may be grooming you.

It's really dangerous to focus on the idea that as long as the person you're talking to is the age they say and the person they say it's all safe, because you still don't know enough to determine whether you can trust them based purely on verifying that. It shouldn't be "well, they're not a 45 year old man masquerading as a teenager therefore I can trust them".

Teenagers and peers use the Internet to groom, manipulate, bully, abuse... It's not restricted to middle aged men impersonating teenagers.

Anyway, aren't SM terms of service that you have to be at least 13?

Original poster
livinglavidavillanelle · 23/03/2019 21:57

It's okay LovingBenidorm, I understand what you're saying. For what it's worth I was/am horrified that it escalated to that, and you're right it's definitely not healthy parenting. I just didn't see any other choice in that moment.
I will be removing Snapchat and Instagram, and heavily monitoring other apps from now on.

OP posts:
Original poster
livinglavidavillanelle · 23/03/2019 21:59

Samind that was a very difficult watch. Thank you, I will show her and have the discussion again.

OP posts:
Lovingbenidorm · 23/03/2019 21:59

Bloody hell Ice!
At the risk of sounding Mrs Smug, none of my kids have ever refused to give me their devices when asked (aren’t I the perfect mum 😏)
They have always been made very clear indeed that these things are a privilege NOT a right and that I have the power to check or remove said items at any time should I think the privilege is being abused, my child is unsafe or taking the piss.
IF I’d asked for a device and my child refused (particularly at 11yo)
I most certainly would not have engaged in a physical struggle.
My kids are on contracts connected to my account
I would simply cancel

MegBusset · 23/03/2019 22:02

Yanbu - my DC (9 and 12) both have phones but there are ground rules and one of them is that I can check them at any time. They don't have Instagram, Snapchat or Facebook and they aren't allowed to have their phones in their bedrooms at all. They do have WhatsApp as we have a family chat group and they can chat to school friends on there but with the proviso that I will keep an eye on what they are chatting about.

In terms of grappling over the phone - if not handed over straight away then they would not get the phone back for a good while. If needed for contacting then they would find themselves with a brick phone.

IceRebel · 23/03/2019 22:04

Bloody hell Ice!

Confused you yourself said it was a fair question but you hadn't actually answered it.

I'm genuinely curious about how a parent would approach it without taking the phone. Surely cancelling contracts is worse than demanding a phone?

Lovingbenidorm · 23/03/2019 22:07

Gosh you’re relentless Ice!
No, I think demanding the phone is preferable but I also think that cancelling a contract for an iPhone and giving them a brick is preferable to a physical tussle

MegBusset · 23/03/2019 22:09

Ice it would go a bit like this:

Me: Please can I have a quick look on your phone just to check everything is OK with how you're using it?

DC: No.

Me: OK, you need to give me the phone. This is what we agreed when we decided you could have the phone.

DC: No.

Me: I'm going to give you one last chance to do the right thing here. If not then the WiFi is being switched off now and I'm taking the battery charger, and as you have proved you are not mature enough you will not be having a smart phone until

Not that complicated surely?