Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU checking 11 yo DD's mobile phone?

71 replies

livinglavidavillanelle · 23/03/2019 21:02

Casually asked what she was doing on her phone in her room with the door shut. She was being evasive and weird so I asked to see her phone.
What followed was a tug of war/pushing/shoving (her, not me) and I eventually took her phone away and made sure she knew it would be for the forseeable future.
I've checked it, there's nothing particularly bad on there that I can see on Insta/Whatsapp/snapchat.

Am I massively invading her privacy? She's quite a young naive 11 yo. I'm prepared to be flamed here, but I'm so conflicted about respecting her privacy vs keeping her safe.

OP posts:

Dragongirl10 · 23/03/2019 22:10

Op you have not over reacted, my DD is almost 13 and has had a phone for just over a year as she travells to school by train.

It was made very clear that the phone belongs to me and will be checked freely at any time, until she is old enough to pay the bill.

It does not go into her room at night, but plugs in in the kitchen with ours and stays there, she is not allowed snapchat or the web browser.
She can text/call/whatsapp her friends and has just got instagram which l check daily.

If she dared to challenge me on checking it then l would remove it and give her a pay as you go Nokia.

The dangers are far, far to great to allow a 12 yr old to dictate.

IceRebel · 23/03/2019 22:14

If not then the WiFi is being switched off now and I'm taking the battery charger

Turning the Wifi off affects the whole house, and wouldn't stop them using the apps if they had data. A charger could easily be borrowed at school. Also it doesn't solve the issue of them refusing you access to their phone.

and as you have proved you are not mature enough you will not be having a smart phone until

But they still have the phone?

MegBusset · 23/03/2019 22:20

The WiFi password can be changed - you don't give them the new one! Presumably the OP pays for the contract and can cancel it the next working day. Plus I don't know any 11yo that takes a phone charger to school with them

Not many 11yos are that interested in a phone with no charge or Internet signal! If they are clinging to it that hard then OK, you lose out on TV time / meeting friends / staying up late or whatever until you realise who is in charge in the house. But if it got to that point the family dynamic would be seriously problematic.

gingerbiscuits · 23/03/2019 22:34

I regularly check my almost 12yr old's phone! However, I wouldn't have had a stand-off like that about it - I'd have done it surreptitiously, later in the day. It's tricky to get the balance right between trusting them & not invading their privacy etc. though. You live & learn- none of us are perfect parents!!

LazariaMoon · 23/03/2019 22:37

How do people know that what they see on the phone is what their child has actually been doing though? You can delete specific web searches and history from phones, as well as not only deleting entire convos but also solely deleting one reply from a convo and leaving the rest to see?

LazariaMoon · 23/03/2019 22:39

Plus I don't know any 11yo that takes a phone charger to school with them confused

She could just ask her friend to bring one in?

LazariaMoon · 23/03/2019 22:40

until she is old enough to pay the bill.

You're gonna check her phone freely until she's 18!?!?

BitOfFun · 23/03/2019 22:40

Samind, I think all that video would teach me as a 12 year old would be to be terrified that my parents were stalking me online!

Original poster

livinglavidavillanelle · 23/03/2019 22:43

Ginger I have an older teen with a phone, and I know from experience that it is ridiculously easy for them to delete what they do not want you to see. For a time DS employed 'private browsing' until I knocked that straight into touch.
I thought I was tech savvy, and I thought she understood the boundaries.
I was wrong.

OP posts:

Samind · 23/03/2019 23:03

@bitoffun 😂😂😂 mines were never that tech savvy. All these years later, still not 😂😂 but point to these type videos is that children are soooooo impressionable and sometimes go along with things and they don't really understand the importance of foresight and the dangers they could place themselves in.

Samind · 23/03/2019 23:03

@living. They can hide pictures too if it's a Samsung phone, I used to be able to hide photos from gallery

howhowhow · 23/03/2019 23:07

Totally off topic but all the people that leave their phones downstairs at night aren't you worried there might be a fire? We were specifically told by the fire brigade to take a mobile to bed as the land line could be affected by fire.

I have a 10 year old. I check her phone and she knows she has to let me. She complains sometimes. I've said no to instagram but she has what's app. She's still very young so they mostly send emojis to each other. Op I would have physically removed the phone too. It's all well and good saying you would tell them you are going to cancel the contract but I would not want them to have the opportunity to delete something they don't want me to see.

BitOfFun · 23/03/2019 23:07

That's so true, Samind. Even as an adult, I've done some pretty stupid shit!

spinn · 23/03/2019 23:07

Op, if your daughter wanted to check your phone, would you let her? Your answer here may well link to her reaction if she sees phone check as checking up .

You did the right thing checking her phone. You don't say if this is a regular thing you do.

My ds is the same age and we have an open phone policy in the house where anyone can check or use anyone's phones. I've found it really helpful for making phone checks a normal thing and less of a battle point because he knows he can do mine too. Might be a path to consider to help avoid flare ups in the future

Comefromaway · 23/03/2019 23:12

Whilst that seems all very open and democratic spin that would not be at all appropriate in our house especially as dh is a teacher at dds school and I used to work in an educational environment too. We are adults and there are many many reasons why a child cannot have free access to their parents phone.

Samind · 23/03/2019 23:15

@bitoffun 😂😂 me too! Think it's all a very embarrassing learning curve. Remember this online game I used to play and the amount of strangers I spoke to at 12 and going mad to get using the internet. Was crazy. Can't even remember what it was called but you had an avatar and could meet people at "discos" etc and invite people back to your "apartment" you'd created etc was totally inappropriate thinking back on it.

OfficeSlave · 23/03/2019 23:18

Her reaction was likely due to addiction to it! Its not healthy for kids this young to be stuck to a phone. They have a LIFETIME of it ahead of them, as many of us know!

These apps are also massive head fucks for their developing brains and intrusive into their lives. They get home and there is no break from the relentless competing, bullying, and other horrific stuff. Even just chatting innocently to mates, they are addicted and its endless. Even back in the day when kids woukd ring each other up straight after school, a phone call had to end and you'd go about the rest of your evening, disconnected and FREE. their little brains never get a break because it is so accessible.

Why so many parents allow instagram, snapchat, really any of it is beyond me. Think how overwhelming we as adults can find phones and social media. Think about yourself as a hormone ridden pre teen! Take it away, get your daughter back and save her mind from the insecurity, addiction and as they get a bit older, the drama!

Sunonthepatio · 24/03/2019 10:01

Spinn that is a great idea.
I think now it has happened you do have to confiscate.

PleaseJustSayNo · 24/03/2019 12:29

I love the idea that some people just think everyone can just call up and cancel the contract on a whim lol.

You need to take into account the 30-day notice period us the cost of an early termination. Unless the contract is almost up or has gone out of commitment, you're looking at usually 100s of pounds.

Surely you'd be better just applying a complete bar on all services, that way they can't actually use the phone at all, especially when coupled with a WiFi password change.

hettie · 24/03/2019 12:37

Ds knew the deal with having a phone would be checking on a regular basis. He's just turned 12 and I'll be doing that until he's much older and wiser. In addition he has qustodio on it and its family locked down (no social media and a daily time limit). I dispair at those parents who hand unfettered access to a smart phone to an 11 year old

MegBusset · 24/03/2019 18:22

Google Family Link also a really useful app - you can set time limits, apps have to be approved, and you can lock the phone at scheduled times or whenever you need to.

Flip

1 2 3