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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP paying for Ex's holiday

80 replies

twentytimes · 23/03/2019 19:02

DSD lives with us, her mum has her one day a fortnight. She doesn't pay any maintenance and DP gives her money for when she take dsd out, a lot more than is actually spent on the day out. He used to give her money to buy dsd Christmas and birthday presents as well but she still either ended up with crap or nothing so now he goes out and buys presents himself for Ex to give to dsd.

On top of this every few weeks Ex will ask DP for more money and claim she can't afford the rent or something and he will always give it to her, no matter how much she asks for. Ex and her partner both have good enough job's and could afford to live of their own wages, they could also afford to take dsd out one day every two weeks and buy her presents themselves if they wanted to.

I don't mind when he gives money Ex money to be spent on dsd. Although she doesn't know he does this and is always so pleased whenever her Mum buys her anything or takes her out anywhere. And I'm not sure its in her best interests to be tricked into thinking she has a better Mum than she does and imagine she will be upset when she realises she wouldn't even get a birthday present from her mum if her dad buying it.

Ex was going to be taking dsd away for a week in the summer holidays, DP agreed to pay for wherever they wanted to go. DSD has now decided she doesn't want to go anymore , nothing has been booked and DP hasn't given any money yet but he's said he will still pay for Ex and her partner to go away somewhere as its not their fault DSD has changed her mind.

AIBU to be annoyed by this or to say anything to him about it?
I'm not sure why it bothers me because it doesn't mean we have to struggle or go without something, I just don't get why he wants to fund his Ex's lifestyle and holidays.

OP posts:

Order654 · 23/03/2019 20:29

Totally bizarre. I wouldn’t be happy at all.

lifebegins50 · 23/03/2019 20:33

Is there a financial consent order? I suspect he feels he got the better end of the deal, money and daughter. Maybe the settlement to her wasn't generous so he feels this is a small way to pay back.

I don't think its actually that strange if they have a good relationship. You are reasonable not to like it however just not sure if you can/should challenge it if it doesn't affect you.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 23/03/2019 20:35

Utterly bonkers. There's no sane justification for paying for a holiday his dd isn't going on.

I'd show him this thread if I were you...

TriciaH87 · 23/03/2019 20:37

Tell him enough is enough. He is allowing her to have her cake and eat it. She works she can pay her bills if not she should seek support from the appropriate channels. He is single handedley supporting their child. He is not responsible for financing her to take out the child she does not pay for or to buy presents from her. Tell him it stops now as dsd is getting old enough to work these things out. Would not be surprised if dsd had told her mum she wasn't keane to go away but was told to say she wanted too knowing her dad would fork out for it. Tell him the bank is closed. He should seek maintenance but thats his choice financially supporting his ex should be a joint decision and you have had enough. If dsd goes away with her mother sure pay dsds share if he wants but tell her you have and give her spending money. But lying to her is not good as she will find out in time and be hurt by the lies

nrpmum · 23/03/2019 20:39

Its an odd set up - my first thought if your OH has residency 13/14 that there must be massive safeguarding issues, drugs or alcohol

Wow, just wow. How do you deduce that from the op's post? Are you always this judgemental?

OP I would be getting pissed off with the situation too, joint finances or not, and I definitely would be setting time aside to explain how I feel, and why I feel that way

SandyY2K · 23/03/2019 20:42

As you're not married and have separate finances, you don't really have a say in how he spends his money.

It looks like he wants to facilitate a good relationship between mother and daughter.
I can understand why he wants that if his Ex is a flaky sort of person... because it's in his DDs best interest.

The psychological issues a child can develop in adulthood, as the result of an uninterested parent,(especially a mother) is worth preventing if you can.

In case any mentions wht especially the mother...it's because infants normally develop an attachment to their primary care giver, again usually the mother. Your DSD will already be in a very small minority (if not the only one) of people in her friendship group or class, who doesn't see her mum at least 50% of the time.

At least 'getting gifts' from her mum and being taken out by her, probably make her feel at least her mum does some nice things for her.

Your DP is trying to limit the damage of a child thinking her mum can't be arsed.

That said, I can see why it would annoy you, but there must be a
backstory why she doesn't have her child at least 50% of the time and that's the reason your DP covers for her.

Plus the fact that money is not an issue for him.

With the holiday, I don't see why he was ever paying for his Ex's BF, but perhaps he knows they couldn't afford it.

Does DSD enjoy time with her DM?

Cherrysoup · 23/03/2019 20:46

Massive error on his behalf.

Smileymoon · 23/03/2019 20:53

I think he is doing the right thing. He can afford it and it is helping his DD and her mother. What better way could he spend his money?

SparklesandFlowers · 23/03/2019 20:54

If you've got separate finances then I guess he can spend his money how he wants. But it's sad that a) DSD's mum probably wouldn't hang around if she didn't get money and b) your DP thinks DSD should have a mother who is paid to hang around.

I'm assuming there's no talking to him?

YANBU to be annoyed though. It makes you wonder where it'll stop.

SandyY2K · 23/03/2019 20:54

@TriciaH87

Tell him enough is enough.
He is allowing her to have her cake and eat it.
His choice.

He is not responsible for financing her to take out the child she does not pay for or to buy presents from her.

I'm sure he knows he's not responsible...but he probably doesn't want it to be obvious to DD that her DM is poorer and she only gets cheaper gifts from her.

Tell him it stops now as dsd is getting old enough to work these things out.

His DD, his money.

Tell him the bank is closed

It's his money and he can spend it how he likes.

If the OP tries to control him over this, it could be the end of the relationship.

If I wanted to support my Ex by buying gifts to give our DC, with my own hard earned money, I wouldn't appreciate my DP telling me the bank is closed and I had to stop.

I suspect your DP may have had experience of this (split parents and one much less well off), or know someone close who does and the impact it had on them.

I think what he's doing is commendable tbh, because it's all in the interest of his DD and the relationship with her DM.

Jimdandy · 23/03/2019 21:03

Everyone would be going nuts if this was a man.

They’d be a Witch hunt saying he needs to support his child etc.

Stop treating her differently just because she’s female!

Original poster

twentytimes · 23/03/2019 21:08

Just to be clear I'm not at all annoyed by the buying presents and giving money to spend on days outs with dsd. I do wonder if its actually whats best for her and think its sad she doesnt have a mum willing to do these things anyway but I don't in anyway begrudge him spending money on his daughter or her getting nice things.

Its the extra money just to her Mum that bothers me, I can sort of of understand why he does it though and I know I can't just demand he stops because it isn't my money.

OP posts:

TriciaH87 · 23/03/2019 21:18

No it isn't bit in a partnership it should be discussed. Plus if you both have a child together will this continue. I would be asking how long he plans to carry on. Will this stop when dsd is 16 18 or will it carry on even when shes 30 and no longer at home.
@SandyY2K the mother only bought cheap presents because dad was giving her the money and she was pocketing the rest. Thats why he started to buy them and hand her them to give to ops dsd. Would not be surprised if she started selling them and buying cheaper ones. You need to discuss how long he plans on doing this at the very least. But dsd will not thank him for being lied too.

Flowersintheatticconversion · 23/03/2019 22:22

smileymoon are you the mother? What better way to spend the money? Really?
I can completely understand paying for the mother and dsd to go on holiday but to pay for the mother and her partner to go when the dsd isn’t is weird.

Boulshired · 23/03/2019 22:44

My best friend goes out of her way to subsidise her ex in regards of their daughter. She wants her DD to believe she has two loving parents that she is basically paying him to perform at being a doting father. Her family and friends are constantly asking her why but she will not stop as long as she feels her DD is happy even if it is a charade.

jessicawessica · 23/03/2019 23:16

This makes no sense whatsoever.
All I can think is he is either still carrying a torch for her or is being blackmailed in some way!

AliceLiddel · 23/03/2019 23:20

to be honest it sounds to me like hes "paying" to keep the situation as it is. he has DSD and her mum stays in her life every so often. Him paying means this woman sticks around and (on the other side) doesnt want DSD more/full time. Maybe this situation just works for him. If he can afford it and it doesnt affect your life I would put up with it and just let it lie. When shes 18 that's a different matter but for now it keeps things stable and means youre not dealing with an angry 10 year old or a court case.

dreamyflower · 23/03/2019 23:51

Is it guilt? Did he cheat on her and that's why he's not with her now?

SandyY2K · 24/03/2019 00:18

its sad she doesnt have a mum willing to do these things anyway

It is and would be even more sad if she knew her DM couldn't be bothered.

I understand it gets to you, but it will surely come to an end when DD becomes an adult... at least you hope so.

PBobs · 24/03/2019 04:19

It sounds like guilt to me. Did he leave her? Did he fight hard to get custody of his DD? Is it a case of him trying to make himself feel better?

PregnantSea · 24/03/2019 04:38

This is really bizarre. The only reasonable explanation I can think of is that he's still in love with her.

perfectstorm · 24/03/2019 05:14

He needs the bloody Freedom Programme.

Was that the pattern of their relationship - she said jump, and he anxiously asked what sort of height she had in mind?

BitOfFun · 24/03/2019 05:21

Why isn't she paying maintenance?

perfectstorm · 24/03/2019 05:23

Incidentally, I don't think lulling a 10 year old into a false belief that her mother gives a toss is helpful. It's not Santa. It would be better for him to strengthen and fortify her against that reality, so she can deal with it, than kick the can down the road into the hurricane of adolescence.

She has a loving family. Her mum just isn't one of them. She can handle a detached, selfish mother, if she also has the love and support of her primary carers. Imagine the cognitive dissonance of suspecting mum doesn't give a crap, but seeing nice presents, days out, and holidays planned that seem to indicate otherwise.

And the fact she's refusing to go on holiday for a week with them does seem to show that she's already more aware than her father would like. If her mother can't even make a holiday tempting, and her daughter knows it will be all about the mum and step-parent's amusement, why is her father still funding it? Clearly his efforts to foster contact by paying for it have failed, and his daughter is now voting with her feet. If she's showing she doesn't want extended time with her mother, then why pay for a holiday she doesn't want to go on, just to try to facilitate contact she doesn't want?

FraggleRocking · 24/03/2019 05:39

Maybe it’s because DSD will ask why the holiday is completely cancelled if she isn’t going, so Dad has to keep up appearances, or risk the whole system crumbling?

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