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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP paying for Ex's holiday

80 replies

twentytimes · 23/03/2019 19:02

DSD lives with us, her mum has her one day a fortnight. She doesn't pay any maintenance and DP gives her money for when she take dsd out, a lot more than is actually spent on the day out. He used to give her money to buy dsd Christmas and birthday presents as well but she still either ended up with crap or nothing so now he goes out and buys presents himself for Ex to give to dsd.

On top of this every few weeks Ex will ask DP for more money and claim she can't afford the rent or something and he will always give it to her, no matter how much she asks for. Ex and her partner both have good enough job's and could afford to live of their own wages, they could also afford to take dsd out one day every two weeks and buy her presents themselves if they wanted to.

I don't mind when he gives money Ex money to be spent on dsd. Although she doesn't know he does this and is always so pleased whenever her Mum buys her anything or takes her out anywhere. And I'm not sure its in her best interests to be tricked into thinking she has a better Mum than she does and imagine she will be upset when she realises she wouldn't even get a birthday present from her mum if her dad buying it.

Ex was going to be taking dsd away for a week in the summer holidays, DP agreed to pay for wherever they wanted to go. DSD has now decided she doesn't want to go anymore , nothing has been booked and DP hasn't given any money yet but he's said he will still pay for Ex and her partner to go away somewhere as its not their fault DSD has changed her mind.

AIBU to be annoyed by this or to say anything to him about it?
I'm not sure why it bothers me because it doesn't mean we have to struggle or go without something, I just don't get why he wants to fund his Ex's lifestyle and holidays.

OP posts:
Original poster
twentytimes · 23/03/2019 19:32

They'll expect he will still be paying and he's worried she'll be annoyed if he doesnt and find a way to take it out on dsd.

He's also said its not their fault that dsd has changed her mind. It is their fault, theres no reason why she would change her mind about going on holiday with a mum who was nice to and showed an interest in her.

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 23/03/2019 19:35

His ex has it sorted. She gets to play at being a good mum while not supporting her dd one bit and also getting free money from her ex.

catsmother · 23/03/2019 19:37

This seems ludicrous.

Why isn't the ex paying maintenance - she's working yes? I can only imagine the comments if this was a non resident dad not paying. If she's irresponsible with money as it sounds she is, and wouldn't pay voluntarily then your DH needs to contact the CMS. Ultimately this could be taken as a deduction from wages.

It's not right of course but I do understand the present scenario to save SD's feelings.

But everything else. Your DH is being taken massive advantage of and whilst it may be 'affordable' the way I'd put it to him is that he's actually short changing his daughter - albeit I'm sure that's not his intention - because all the 'extra' money going to his ex could be put away for his daughter's future instead, assuming it's not needed to improve her quality of life right now. That could be used to see her through uni, towards a property deposit, whatever ....

Is there a possibility he's effectively 'paying' his ex to remain in her own child's life because he fears her disappearing altogether if he doesn't? I can't think of any other 'logical' explanation.

Finally, I do think that given SD lives almost all the time with you that he shouldn't be making these major and arguably irresponsible financial decisions without agreeing them with you first.

lisamac28 · 23/03/2019 19:41

They must be laughing their socks off at him, what an absolute mug of a man(sorry).

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 23/03/2019 19:42

Is it motivated by guilt over the way they sit up or things that happened in their relationship? Were you the other woman?

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 23/03/2019 19:42

*split up

livinglavidavillanelle · 23/03/2019 19:42

I would definitely have a problem with this. DH is the same towards his sister, and it really pisses me off because we can't afford it.

The issue (for me anyway) is that they are joint finances. And I don't see why you are effectively funding her lifestyle choices. It's nice that he buys stuff for his DD on his ex's behalf, but funding their holiday is just utter madness. What next, a house deposit? I mean really, where does it end?

voddiekeepsmesane · 23/03/2019 19:43

Just fucking weird that's all I have to say really. Why the fuck is he paying for other ADULTS to have a holiday. OMG do some people have no ability to adult and say NO!!!!

Nomorepies · 23/03/2019 19:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Original poster
twentytimes · 23/03/2019 19:45

They'll expect he will still be paying and he's worried if he doesnt, she'll be annoyed and find a way to take it out on dsd. He's also said its not their fault that dsd has changed her mind. It is their fault, theres no reason why she would change her mind about going on holiday with a mum who was nice to and showed an interest in her.

I guess he is paying her to stay in DSD's life, I'm not sure she would stick around long otherwise.

OP posts:
Original poster
twentytimes · 23/03/2019 19:46

We're not married and have seperate finances, have been together 5 years.

OP posts:
Halo84 · 23/03/2019 19:50

How old is dsd?

lifebegins50 · 23/03/2019 19:53

What was the divorce agreement? Does he feel he got a good deal and so think this is appropriate?

It could be he is genuinely tender hearted .I know someone who is very wealthy and supports his Ex in many ways, over & above generous financial agreement., some ways it keeps him linked to the Ex and he has always felt responsible for her.
What are the lifestyles like in both houses? Are we talking 30k vs 150k? I can see if a big disparity on incomes then he doesn't want his daughter to feel sorry for her mum. How old is Dsd?

If this was an old friend rather than Ex, would you feel aggrieved?

livinglavidavillanelle · 23/03/2019 19:53

Okay not joint finances, but why is he paying her to stay in DSD's life? She's not Rent-a-mum.
If she loves her daughter she'll stay, if she doesn't then she can do one. I think it's nice that he's trying to maintain the relationship, but honestly...paying for their holiday is just one step too far, particularly when they can afford it themselves.

Original poster
twentytimes · 23/03/2019 19:56

DSD is 10.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/03/2019 19:57

This is madness. Instead of subsidising her mother, he should be saving for DSD’s future. (Are you about to drip feed that he’s a millionaire?)

AWishForWingsThatWork · 23/03/2019 19:58

I'm actually wondering if your DH's ex wanted to have the girl in the first place. AS in, did DH talk her into continuing on in a surprise pregnancy, and commit to being responsible for all her needs if she didn't terminate. If so, and he can afford it, I'd let him carry on doing what he feels is right by his daughter.

morallowground · 23/03/2019 19:58

It sounds to me like he’s scared of his ex coming forward and saying she wants extra time with your dsd so he’s almost keeping her sweet by ‘bribing’ her in order to keep her on good terms so she feels too guilty to come forward and ask for anything else when he treats her so nicely.
Personally I think it’s coming out of a place of fear on his part as he is obviously happy with having his daughter full time and wants to keep it that way.
I’d maybe ask what his reasoning is for now and take it from there.

Original poster
twentytimes · 23/03/2019 20:03

I don't really know details about ex's finances, I know her and her bf both work fulltime in average jobs so its unlikely they couldn't manage without DP's money but they might not be able to afford the holiday themselves.
DP earns a lot more than she does.

OP posts:
givemesteel · 23/03/2019 20:03

I get that he is worried that this horrible mum will do something horrible to the dsd as she is the one that has stopped the holiday from happening.

Do you know why she doesn't want to go on the holiday? Unlike a child to not want to go on a holiday so there must be a good reason whoch should be found out. What's her step dad like?

I think your partner needs to use his leverage better over his ex. He should say that he's not paying for the holiday for them (madness, apart from anything else think of the precedent it sets) and if she starts being nasty to dsd then all the other handouts stop as well.

It sounds like a very sad situation for the dsd.

1CantPickAName · 23/03/2019 20:09

I understand where he is coming from. It benefits his daughter to have a mum who she believes is a good mum and loves her. I’m sure she would be devastated if she knew the truth about her mum. It sounds like you’ve got a good man who is looking out for his daughter. It is weird that he is still payfir their holiday but if it’s not causing him or you any hardship then I’d not worry about it if I were you.

Halo84 · 23/03/2019 20:11

Based on what you posted, I suspect he is doing this so the ex will be kind to dsd. Based on her age, that’s probably wise. One dsd is older, say 15 or 16, she likely won’t want her mother anymore.

Flowersintheatticconversion · 23/03/2019 20:19

But the dad stays with the op and her dad so it’s not as though he needs to keep her sweet for access

Flowersintheatticconversion · 23/03/2019 20:19

Dsd

Halo84 · 23/03/2019 20:24

I believe he wants the mother to maintain contact.