So worried about DD, what can I do to help her? And AIBU to think school is wrong?

[OldhamAndCheese]

She's 16 and in Year 11. She has never been in the "popular" group at school, but she's always coped perfectly fine. She was very alone at the start of Year 7 as we had moved house just at the beginning away from all her of her friends, but by the time she was halfway through Year 7 her and a few of the other "oddballs" (hate calling them that but the group used to describe themselves as such things with pride!) had formed a group. There were about 7 of them and they were really solid. Beginning of Year 10 she even got a BF who was part of their group. Things were great for a few months, she was always out with friends and had a great social life etc. But halfway through Year 10 a friend in the group decided she liked DD's boyfriend and made the rest of the year hell for DD. This girl was a lot more gobby than DD and did all sorts to try and split them up, telling BF she'd seen DD with another boy and the like. Thankfully her BF was an absolutely lovely lad and told this girl where to go. This however resulted in the couple being ostracised from the rest of the group as the other girl managed to get them all on side.

It was a shame but DD didn't seem too phased. Her and her BF stuck together. I tried to encourage her to make other friends so that she wasn't relying on BF too much, saying that she needed other people to spend time with if BF finished with her. She kicked off at me for suggesting that, being 15 she was of the opinion that her and her BF were unbreakable. At the end of Year 10 the BF's mum decided to move in with her long term partner who lived on the other side of our city (very big city, so it was still 35 miles away). DD was understandably devastated, as was her BF at the time. They agreed still to be in a relationship and spend weekends with each other. Planning more days in the week once Year 11 was out of the way. So off he went. DD didn't see anybody except him over the Summer hols. Started Year 11 absolutley miserable with no friends and was starting to get very depressed.

Then in January she confided in me that BF had been getting distant. She told me she'd say she had missed him and he'd only respond "Aw :(". Also he had somehow managed to get into the popular group at his new school and suddenly had a very active social life and less time for her. There were plenty of girls he was hanging around with. 1 week after we spoke about it he text her saying "I don't think this relationship is sustainable anymore. The distance is too awkward." DD begged him to stay with her but he unfollowed her on everything. The next day she saw he'd changed his relationship status to say he was now with a girl he'd be hanging around with. DD was in absolute bits, and ended up taking an overdose.

She spent 2 weeks in hospital and then a further 6 weeks out of school on mental health grounds as she had been threatening to hang herself among other things. Her ex BF is aware of this and has made no effort to get in contact. She has only very recently gone back and has been the talk of the school. Rumours going around that she is pregnant, a drug addict etc. Jealous ex friend has been having a field day with it all and has been giving DD hell day to day. Today has been the last straw. She's come home bloody distraught because she had spent lunchtime in the toilet to avoid people and some girl made up a rumour that she was in there for the hour performing an abortion on herself ffs. We were asked to go into the school at 6pm later on today for a meeting expecting it to be about this. Nope, they brought us in to tell us they would not be letting DD sit her GCSE'S as she has missed too much and they think she should be focusing on her mental health.

DD been in bits all evening. She keeps seeing pictures of her BF and his new GF on social media (told her to stop stalking him but she does it anyway), she's being harassed and threatened by peers, she just in the past couple of days found out her absolute arse of a father who doesn't bother with her has had a new baby with someone she knows nothing about (not getting in to that, a whole other thread!), and now she's been told she can't do her GCSE'S which means she won't be able to get onto the college course she's been so looking forward to. The thought of going to college and meeting new people had been saving her. I tried to tell school that I believe taking her GCSE's will benefit her and DD tried to tell them as well, but they wouldn't have it.

I am dreading the rest of Year 11. I don't know if I should send her back to school or not. What's the point? If the bastards aren't going to let her take her exams then why should she go? If she had friends who she wanted to go in and see then it would be different but she doesn't. And now I'm also left not knowing what to do with her once Year 11 finishes. She really does need to go to college. She wants to go. Is it possible for her to start in September as would everybody else her age despite having no GCSE's? Or does she have to get them first? I don't want her to have to start college a year late and I certainly can't afford for her to be doing GCSE'S privately!

And exams aside, it's also meant to be a really exciting time over the next few months for people her age. She should be excited about getting GCSE results with friends...the end of Year 11 prom...the endless fun and exciting plans that Year 11 like to make for the holidays once they've finished school...looking forward to college...considering part time jobs...all the other Year 11's I know are going to music festivals with friends in the Summer to celebrate GCSE's ending...all of this has been ripped away from DD and we are left facing months of isolation, loneliness, worry about her future, uncertainty, and she has to watch everybody else have fun while she's dealing with it. It's breaking my heart. I have £1500 tucked away in inheritance I got after a relative died which I planned to give DD when she turned 18. However I'm considering booking us a mother/daughter trip to New York for a week with the money. I'll probably plan it around the time prom would be. She's always wanted to go to New York and I just want to give her something to look forward to. Should I, or is it impulsive?

The school has failed her. Absolutely outrageous.

Her ex BF is aware of this and has made no effort to get in contact

I'm sorry but I think the 15 year old boy has little to no blame in this situation. Yes he broke up with her and moved on to another girl(he could have possibly been cheating) but he is 15 ffs and he was totally entitled to block her on social media if he wanted to. It is not his fault that your daughter is suicidal. That is a huge pressure and blame to put on a 15 year old. And he is also not required to contact your DD after what happened.

Speak to the College. Arrange a meeting. Depending in what she's wanting to do she can do functional skills in maths and English alongside her course. She'd go in at a lower level (Depending on which course it is e.g.. btec hairdressing you always start at level 1, for sport btec your grades determine the level). We had lots of kids miss their grades and do catch up. There is also an apprenticeship option and the employer will often take them with out maths and English and they study them on alongside the apprenticeship. This might be worth considering especially if the bullys will be going to the same college.

What I'm trying to say is GCSEs aren't the be all and end all. Neither is school. Get her out. Go to New York and work on building her resilience.

I ask this kindly, is your dd ready and able for these exams? I ask because it could be a slight blessing in disguise to take them further down the line if she is not prepared for them. If she is then give them merry hell.

THIS ^

It may be that your DD would be better taking her exams later in the year when they do the re-sits (I'm sure it is possible for students to take their "first" exams like this - I think I can remember some youngsters doing this in my DD's year).

I agree with others that she needs to be out of this horribly toxic environment. If you possibly can, take the bullying issue up with the school - this is persecution! The cruelty you describe is unbelievable! Threaten to go to the newspapers if necessary - the school won't want this sort of publicity. I know it won't make your DD popular, but it will raise awareness of what is happening in the school.

My own DD is a very quiet girl, and suffered ostracisation and some bullying, but nothing on this scale - it is horrific!

If she takes her exams a few months later, she will not only not be in the same room as a large number of her tormentors, but it will give her a bit more time to prepare for them. if you can have work sent home for her, and she doesn't even need to go into the school, the freedom from persecution may give her the space she needs to study and get herself up to speed.

My heart aches for your DD, and for you - the cruelty she is being subjected to is unimaginable and the school is letting her down appallingly!

If you think your DD could cope with school for the rest of the year then I would ask for another meeting to try and persuade them to enter her for GCSEs. Go in armed with all her reports from, say, Y9 showing the progress she was making. I would also raise the bullying she has been subjected to and demand to know what the school is doing to tackle it: if they are concerned about her mental health they should be taking strong action since the bullying is a significant factor in her mental health problems.
I am not sure a trip to New York would help. Perhaps instead focus on nice things you can do together in evenings and at weekends: swimming, a walk, shopping for something for her, afternoon tea. If there is any chance of persuading her to join in something where she might make friends that would also be worth trying if she can cope with it.
Presumably the GP is involved, has any counselling been arranged, it might help.
You sound like a lovely sensible mother and you are her best asset, if nothing else try and focus on rebuilding her self esteem and resilience.
It may also be worth contacting the college to see what the options would be if she does not do GCSEs, there may be courses she could do that would lead on to the one she wants.

RightOcciput I'm glad you posted and I can totally see your point from the GP perspective.

I based the suggestion on my own experience working in a secondary school. In our area GPs seem to write all kinds of notes at the drop of a hat. I won't give an example of the most outlandish one here as it would be very outing and probably no-one would believe me!

I would have thought that the OP would be able to get copies of some kind of documentation relating to her DDs recent problems though, in order to support any attempts she makes to manage the situation moving forward.

I'm guessing op that they are not letting her take them as they are sure she will fail and struggle to complete them. I am unsure if there is any point in taking them if she will simply fail as she will feel even more shit.

Is there another way round this, for example start at another school a year behind? So reset the clock so to speak and in new territory?

Some LAs have special provision for students with health problems - if she could transfer to one she should still be able to take some GCSEs. The one I know of in had a more gentle supportive environment than a typical secondary school.

The boyfriend is probably better off not contacting her incase it gets her hopes up?

Whilst your post is focused on her exams, please remember that not everyone gets to A levels and university by the same route at the same time. There is clearly a balance between her engaging with exams (which if she can, and does well, will probably help her self-esteem), and looking after her mental health. I may have missed it, but what support is there for her mental health? I really hope she's getting the support she deserves, and if (as I know is the case often) she;s not getting enough support, maybe that;s where the money you have available could go? A lovely holiday is a great idea, but giving her the tools to cope with the crap she's going through might benefit her in the longer term.

My heart goes out to her and to you: I know what its like to watch a child in distress, and I remember how hopeless and helpless I felt when I was in the middle of it. And I agree with what's said above, it seems school is not looking at HER best interests-from what you say, they haven't done so for a while.

Depending on the college she should be able to start in September and do a course alongside GCSEs English and Maths retakes... it may mean a 3 year college stint instead of 2 which plenty do.

Can you contact the college principal and explain the situation? I work in a sixth form and we have had year 11s start early instead of completing year 11 for various reasons. Our principal really does bend over backwards to accommodate young people going through tough times.

I also have to say that it is a huge amount of pressure to put on to a young boy in year 11 to deal with.. he isn't responsible for her mental health issues and is entitled to move on with his life.

Oh - your poor DD. Year 11 can be shit. All my friends deserted me during the summer of Year 10 but I was lucky to make a few new friends in Year 11.

I haven't read other responses but I am astounded by the school seemingly washing its hands of your DD. What have they suggested she do? Just disappear from their school..? They're not doing anything to help integrate her back in, to address her mental health and what amounts to harrassment by other pupils or to help her access educational opportunities?

I don't know what your rights are but I would push to allow her to take enough GCSEs to access her 6th form college and contact the college to let them know about her extenuating circumstances.

Have you considered signing your DD up for NCS - National Citizenship Service? That could be an option to make new friends and gain some confidence back. Also, could she do some voluntary work? Again - good for confidence, new acquaintances and preparing for the world of paid work.

The trip to NY sounds great but if it were me I'd use some of that money to pay for counselling for my DD over the summer months. She could easily repeat the pattern of basing her self worth on her future relationships.

What does your DD want to do about returning to school? It sounds like she is very much struggling to cope on a day to day basis so I would establish what she actually wants before going in to demand that she returns.
I understand that you are angry at school but maybe the teachers aren't "bastards" maybe they genuinely see that your DD cant cope. Maybe the stress of completing GCSEs really is beyond her in her current fragile state.
School have asked you to focus on her mental health, so in your situation I would be doing this. What support is she getting? I would hope that professional MH services were involved and if not I would be directing my energy into fighting for provision.
It's not all about school either, it sounds like she has had a pretty rough deal outside of it as well. You talk about her father and new sibling? Can you think of ways to improve that relationship?
If money is short there is no way I would be blowing it on a break to NY. I would use the money to try to improve her self esteem by encouraging her to engage with a new skill like sailing/horse riding or surfing? Something that gets her out into the fresh air and gives her a chance to be the best at something. Maybe you could learn alongside her?

If it was me, I’d keep DD off school now. I’d get work from the school and be supervising her doing it at home, I would then look at getting her into a new school to repeat Year 11 next year. Once she has a place find out the subjects she could do - all of the current options may not be available. In the meantime I’d be making sure she had some counselling and help from the GP.

It depends upon your finances, but if you do have the cash I would look at independent schools (not shitty academies) and see if you can get her a place at a small indie where there is a strong focus upon the pastoral. Indies are much more flexible and can help put children back together after they have had awful experiences at state schools.

OP, I feel for you and you DD. Things must seem very dark at the moment.

Your dd will feel like she is in a neverending hell, I've been there at school, spending lunchtime in the toilet and library :( d

School should be supporting her a lot more, do they have any groups at lunch she could go to? The lack of care in some schools is still appalling.

I think at the very least she needs to sit English and Maths and up to 3 others. I'm not sure what the legal standpoint is on this but I don't think you would have to do it privately. But perhaps doing it in a different environment might take some pressure off dd.

She needs a fresh start, it sounds as though you are a brilliant mum and there for her which she needs, and most of all just stress to her that this WILL pass and she has a long and happy life ahead of her. Good luck.

Are the others in her peer group likely to stay on for school sixth form or going to college too?

If they are also likely going to college you might want to see if you can find a plan which would allow her to repeat/drop down a year group if what she wants is a fresh start. Are kids allowed to repeat Y11?

This is very close to home for me.
The child in question was seriously assaulted in school.
School behaved dreadfully.
Upshot was that parents took child out of school for home ed and added some private tuition and counselling support.
Child was able to pass some GCSEs and then got into a 6th form college with good pastoral care and with a whole new pool of potential friends.
I don't think a trip to NY will solve the issue tbh.
Put the money into giving her the best chance of passing some GCSEs so she can have a new start.
It is heart breaking, but she will get through this with your support.

Short term you could always enroll her in NCS for the summer - something to look forward to and a way for her to make some new friends (it's usually £35 and sign up online).

Could you enter at the local college as a private candidate? I think it's about £70 per GCSE and she could revise at home with YouTube/student room/revision books.

If she's going in for a BTEC speak to the core with her predicted grades - unfortunately colleges focus on bums on seats and want passes therefore more likely to let her in especially if she shows shes motivated by doing work experience (I work in education and have seen it done). Try not to accept level one as that's usually for young people with SEN/severe behaviour issues.

I think it's the rotary club that offer exchange programmes for free - she could go to an European country for the summer.

Is there anything she enjoys and could volunteer? I think raising her self esteem that she's got a future but I'm really feeling for her. Good luck to you both xx

The school is getting a lot of blame but did the OP tell them of the problem?

I would have the break and then redo gcses next year. And yes, withdraw from school. It's not long left to the year. Has she got a prom ticket?

Your poor DD. I wouldn't send her back to school now, there's no point if they won't let her sit GCSEs anyway. I'd find out about her options to do GCSEs at college instead. It may be that she does them a year late but that really isn't the end of the world. There's more than one way to skin a cat. Sounds like some time out right now would be the best thing for her (call it homeschooling) and have a fresh start at college in September. Meanwhile, I would look at getting her some counselling, privately if necessary. Also, some work experience would be good for her, part-time or voluntary maybe.

Most colleges do GCSE's. I would pull her out of school now, find a college that does the GCSE's for the course she wants to do and book her to start in September. I also think the holiday is a good idea, I got money like that at 18 and blew it in a matter of months, I can't even remember what on, a mother/daughter holiday may blow the money but she will always have the great memories of it and it will give her something to look forward to.

What I want to say is that it WILL, eventually, get better. Your DD needs to retain the knowledge that there will be an improvement, at some point. It will not be like this forever.

I would be careful about that. It didn't work out like that for me. I made no friends at college, I've been friendly with people at work but no long term friendships. I have my husband and that's pretty much it.

Apologies if that comes across as a downer, the point is really that always being told that things will get better at some ill defined time in the future doesn't necessarily help.